Conceiving and Believing

 Whatever the mind  can conceive and beleive, it can achieve.

Napoleon Hill

It is after three in the morning. I awoke with the intense need to cry...and I did. The tears actually started last evening. I broke....I cracked...I bawled. I began, without planning on it, to release the flood gate of emotion that was damned inside of me...my emotion, the emotion I absorbed from others around me ( my children's mostly), then the world's. 

Conceiving Suffering

I was holding on to all this emotion...so much stuffed  suffering in this imperfect, broken shell I still call "me". In this very flawed form I can only "do" so much to help relieve it, to make it better for others . I was reminded last evening that I haven't done enough,that  I can never "do" enough and the results if I don't do more  may be be drastic. 

I don't know what to do that will help.  I don't know who to go to. My own experiences accessing a very broken system  have scarred me deeply and I am allowing those scars, that fear and that doubt to get in the way of accessing it for others. I beat myself up for that only to realize...I cannot access it for anyone else anyway.  I cannot fix this for anyone...yet I feel the intense pain of guilt and shame for not trying harder.  

And I am not trying hard enough...I know that.  I am just so burnt out from carrying my own trauma and the trauma of others. I am so tired. I have been seeking moments, shut off from the rest of the world with all its suffering to preserve myself, to rejuvenate and to replenish so that I could altruisticly  be there more fully...and selfishly so I could experience some peace in my life....but Life wouldn't let me have much of  those moments either.  It would constantly interupt me with "Someone needs you."  And I would go...or at least try to offer my presence and my support...a bit of my hard earned wisdom if it was called for....only to get  called away here and then there and then back here...Everyone seemed to need me at once and I just couldn't spread my mind and my body thin enough to be there for everybody...and for each person that did get me... what they got from me, in regards to what they needed and expected,  was just too thin. 

Beleiving Suffering is My Destiny

Eventually this body and mind I call "mine" gets so frustrated with life for asking me to give so much while not giving me the opportunity to replenish between all the crisis'...I stop seeing the goodness in it and start to expect these challenges to keep coming my way.  Then I feel like "Oh my goodness, I am somehow creating this suffering for others because all I expect is suffering."If my mind creates my experience...and my mind conceives and believes suffering...and my deepest suffering now comes from watching others suffer and not being able to help...then this is what life gives me."  Does it really work that way? 

How do I stop it?

 All I can think to do now is pray.  I ask for help from that which cannot be seen with the human eye.

I need your help in this prayer, too. ..if you would be so kind. I believe I need your good intentions, your positive thoughts, your prayers sent in my direction.  I need outside forces to break through this cloud of negativity that binds those loved ones of mine and the people around me in this karmic wheel of suffering.  

Pray Please

Pray for me (that sounds so selfish); pray for my loved ones, and pray for all those who are suffering from anxiety, depresssion, psychosis and addiction; pray for healthy reform and recovery of this system so there is better and more timely access and help provided; pray for all those souls within the system who are trying their best to help with the limited support resources and time they have; pray for the light of hope to weave its way through all of this...growing and glowing so we all can see that suffering is only a small part of this human experience, not all of it, that the 10,000 joys are available to all of us if we would only conceive of them and believe in them ; pray that the human mind can know its own power so that it conceives and believes in light...in its amazing potenial to create a life of peace and happiness, instead of constantly enduring one of suffering. .. And pray that we see our God-given power to  make Life something very much worth holding on to!

Amen

Thank you!

All is well in my world.