Relieving a little Water

 

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by a little water.

Antoine Rivarol

Still crying off and on.  Man! Once the damn is open the water just keeps flowing, eh? I literally feel lighter.  There was sooo much stuffed inside me.  I think what I am releasing is only the stuff that accumulated from December til now...so much 'crisis' in that time frame. ...so much intense emotion.  Because I was called to "act" on so many occassions, I didn't have the opportunity to process through one crisis before there was another one to deal with. So I had to stuff it, push it down, swallow it so I could act  on the next crisis, so I could be there for yet another...telling myself in some unspoken way that I would process and deal later with the undealt-with emotion I kept accumulating as I went from one event to another.   An opportune later just never seemed to come. Some one constantly needed me.

And my being there, my actions, were seldom  appreciated or valued for the most part.  Not that they had to be, that is petty ego stuff...but at least if it were I would be given the validation that what I was doing was at least helping in some way so I would know all my self-draining was at last serving a beneficial purpose.  Infact, what I gave  was even met with a certain amount of resentment from others, contempt.  I assume some of that resentment and contempt came because what I was able to give  was so limited by the number of demands and the number of people who needed me. Those hurting individuals could not understand my effort or my limitations. And then there were those who just felt "entitled" and/or who blamed me, assumed I was out to get them and  who clung to past conflict in order to rationalize why they had the right to not appreciate my efforts or be angry at me.  Very few expressed concern or awareness  about my own human limitation and need.  They expected and demanded to be served. 

So not only did I pick up the suffering of others ( actually feeling it) , I picked up their anger, that resentment, that blame, that expectation, that lack of consideration for me.   It was all so blasted overwhelmning.  I kept stuffing it down and down and down. 

I want to say as I did yesterday when the flood gates first opened, "It is just 'too' much!  It is too much." but it isn't "too much"...it just is.  It is as it is. 

All is well.