There is nothing wrong with being peaceful and centered[ in response to heavy life challenges and loss] as long you are releasing the energy , not suppressing it. ...No matter what events take place in life, it is always better to let go rather than close.
Michael Singer , page 67
I really, really do not want to close my heart. I want to live with a permanently open heart that flows freely with love and joy and enthusiasm for Life. I do.
I have been watching my psyche dance around and see how I have been opening and closing over the last little while. As I observe this dance now I see thatt the ballerina has bowed her head and is still. The curtains have closed!
Watching the Dance
When we watch this dance going on in our minds we are going to see several things happening. (Singer, 2007)
- First we are going to see this tendency we have to defend and protect ourselves. We have tender and wounded flesh within that we want to protect from getting irritated. We have a tendency to close up around it when something we deem as unpleasnat or disturbing comes our way.
- Then we will notice how much work that closing and protecting requires...It is life long work . It is exhausting.
- We can shift our focus from the protecting actions of the mind to the part of the mind that is doing the protecting. We recognize the ego.
- We can decide not to do that anymore and to get rid of that nasty frightened little part of us that feels it needs to attack and defend all the time to protect itself instead. If you don't really want it, then don't protect it.
- We can put our whole being into what is happening here and now...be in the moment.
- Know that we are constantly going to run into disturbances from out there. Just be aware of our reactivity: the subtle energy shifts of disturbance happening inside and stop! Just stop tensing up and resisting and struggling against.
- Let Go...take our attention away from the disturbance. Go back to the center...breathe, focus on body, on the sensations around us.
- Refuse to follow those disturbed energies where they want to take us.
- Release and relax into our center!
Can you recall the last time you had to make a big decision? Watching the somewhat awakened mind make decisions can be a little dizzy making.
Hmmm! I am in a conundrum. A change in my life is definitely required. I am trying to figure out if an internal or external one is required. My gut seems to be screaming at me that it is external change I need to make ...yet I am, for some reason, doubting that internal warning. I am even questioning these strong feelings I get .
I find myself asking these questions:
Am I just reacting egoically to some minor disturbances? Or is this legit heavy stuff that requires a different approach than above?
Is it really intuition and a warning from higher Self prompting me to actively make a change in my life circumstance or is it mind playing tricks with me just to stir up some drama ? (Ego is by far the biggest 'pot-stirrer and trouble maker' out there.)
Am I to follow through on the change gut is telling me to make, listen to these strong "feelings" I have been having or am I to see it all as a form of resistance, the ego's way of protecting and defending this idea of "little me", of running away behind a protective shield?
Will this change I feel like I need to make really help me to open my heart and heal once and for all...or will it actually be a means to close it down farther?
Am I trying to manipulate and change what is happening 'out there' just so my tender parts 'in here' don't get more disturbed than they already are? Or is staying in the circumstances I am in preventing me from releasing samskara and healing these tender parts once and for all so who I really am can shine through?
Is the most important objective of these circumstances Life presented me with ...to learn to accept what is and make peace with it as it is,or is it to realize the value of my own needs and grow and move away from circumstances that keep me stuck...albeit gracefully and gratefully.
Who is "me" that I want to prserve and help grow?
Is my apparent dissatisfaction with my life circumstances right now and my challenge accepting them with grace and joy a result of the unhealthy heaviness of these life circumstances, their negative and unnecssary "impingement" on my heart and mind and my inner Self's attempt to say I can grow beyond them...or is it a sign of a closed heart...a heart that is judging things as good or bad and pushing away to avoid disturbing my insides? If I stop judging will I find enough peace to stay here?
What do I feel I need to protect anyway...really? Is it what my spirit needs in regards to physical form: mind, body, health, property that is being threatened or is it just this version of "little-me" and its puny "me, my, mine" needs that I am attempting to protect? Should I just let them have that?
Am I fooling myself again, even after all my practice, into thinking that anything done "out there" will make it better for me "in here" when I know all disturbance is a result of mind not external world events? And if I know that it is just the mind I need to work on, does that mean I should conscioulsy choose to stay in situations that my gut warns me are unhealthy? Unhealthy for what or whom?
Should I put my needs aside in order to meet the needs of others? Is that what a fully functioning heart plan is all about? If "little me" is something I should get rid of...should I commit Self to a life of unhappiness and unfulfilment in order to spare others from the suffering my decision may cause?
Hmm! I am just perpelexed. Watching this dance going on in my psyche has got my head spinning lol. I am quite confused.
I do not want to make any major decisons from ego guidance. I want it to come from what Singer calls, "The Seat of Consciousness" .
Hmm! Another big question is...am I there yet? Sometimes I think yeah...this is where this decision guidance is coming from and other times I just don't know.
I will figure it out.
All is well!
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