Stop Clinging to Your Walls

 If you want permanent peace, permanent joy, and permenant happiness, you have to get through to the otherside of the inner turmoil...You just decide once and for all, to take the  journey by constantly letting go.

Michael Singer, page 136

Hmmm! Chapter 14 of the untethered  soul, really packs a punch.  It further expands on the the idea that we as humans tend to build false refuges around ourselves to make our inner lives as bearable and as pain free as possible. Singer explains again how we suffer when we put so much of our enegy into trying to hold these fortresses together. 

It also expands on the idea that the  only way to truly free ourselves to  experience the full lives we are meant to experience is by walking through the  very pain and discomfort we built the refuge to protect ourselves from. We do that by letting go of the structures, walls, mental schematas, and personas we created to hide behind. 

He explains these concepts a little more by describing  two other concepts: clinging and what many of us would call the  ego ( though he does not use that term).

Clinging

Clinging, he tells us, is the grabbing onto and the holding onto selected  thoughts (which would include memory and conditioned beliefs),  emotions and certain energies as they pass by and through us, in an attempt to build a stable mental structure we can live with and hide behind. Because Life is so unpredictable with its comings and goings, and our "unstructured minds" are even more unpredictable and stormy...we have a tendency as humans to cling to certain versions of reality that will help make sense of everything that is in us or outside of us, that will put a certain order , security, predictability into the way we see the world.  We select the thoughts, feelings and energies that help us to do that and resist or push away the ones that don't.  The ones we hold onto become the bricks that build the walls of the structures,  that define who we are, that create a sense of self.  We build the structure  and then we  will cling to it with all our might as long as we think it is protecting us and helping us make sense of Life. Professionals may call it the building of a mental schemata.  Singer calls it the  creation of "an island of apparent solidity".

Clinging builds the bricks and mortar with which we build a concept of self. In the midst of vast inner space, using nothing but the vapour of thoughts, you created a structure of apparent solidity to rest upon. 

Ego? 

Let's look a little more into this structure we built ( the mental schemata) .  Singer refers to it in many ways: the fortress, the island of apparent solidity, the model of who you are, the focus of a very narrowed consciousness, the false self and a facade. He sees it as an extension of and a very narrowed and limited use of consciousness.  He  does not call it ego.

I have learned over the years to look at it as a seperate entity in a sense just so I could better understand it and disidentify with it. I, and many others, would refer to it as 'ego'. Again terminology means absolutely nothing in the long run. 

What we need to recognize, regardless of what we call it, is that we have built something 'unreal' to protect us from the 'real' .  We cling to an "unreal" mental structure and hide behind it  in a fruitless attempt to avoid fear and pain.  Fear and pain are forever knocking holes in our walls. We are therefore in an endless struggle to hold them up.  We  turn discomfort into suffering. This becomes the focus of our attention.

In the Background

This structure is in the forefront of our lives and we are so focused on it and the drama of holding it together that we forget all about  what is in the background of our lives: the true Self, Awareness, a more expanded consciousness. We are not what we created in front of us...we are that which is in the background, never changing, always watching and never disturbed. 

In order to end suffering we must stop clinging...let go of those things we were holding onto and  fall back into that witnessing spaciousness that scares the blank out of us because it doesn't make sense to our egos/ the structures we built. None of it is solid anyway! 

In order to remember who we truly are, we have to face the inner turmoil, the mess inside, and the fear of falling back into nothing. We also need to   face Life as it is in the  moment, let go and let it pass right through us. Painful...but necessary for our puriifcation. 

We need to stop clinging to what isn't real; stop trying to protect that which keeps us imprisoned and stop running from any disturbance created by what is. 

Instead, you will actually permit the things that disturb your model to act as dynamite to break it up and free you. 

Let the walls crumble! 

We do that by putting our hands down ( no more clinging, no more trying to hold up) .  We do that by no longer asking, "What do I do about this?" when dsiturbance starts putting holes in our walls.  Instead we ask..."Who am I that notices this?" 

You are not that which is being disturbed or the disturbance... You are that  which watches the disturbance.  You are awareness and Awareness transcends what it is aware of. It is as seperate as lightis  from what it shines upon. page 136 

Fall behind and relax in what is!

Your only way out is the witness.  Just keep letting go by being aware that you are aware. 136

All is well. 

Enduring a Zap for Freedom

 A spiritual being feels as though they are always against that edge [the walls/fence of the comfort zone], and they are constantly being pushed through it.

Michael Singer, pg 124

Wild Lexie!

I once had a dog  named Lexie.  Lexie was a wild dog in the sense that she was so full of Life her energy seemed uncontainable. She just wanted to be everywhere doing everything at once.  She would run in all directions, literally chasing the wind.  The boundaries of our yard meant absolutely nothing to her.  The entire world, to her,  was her home. 

Fencing In With Fear

As a pet owner in a neighborhood where the neighbours were more than vocal about dogs being tied and restrained in their yards...I was in a conundrum.  I, of course, also wanted to protect her from her tendency to just shoot across the road after whatever caught her fancy.  I had already lost one dog to  a moving vehichle. I didn't want to lose another.  So I had to find a way to keep her in the yard.

My brother gave me an electric fence which created an invisible barrier around my property.  I would put a collar on her and whenever she got close to the barrier she would get an uncomfortable zap.  Positioned a short distsance from the barrier were little white flags that acted as visual cues and reminders that she was getting close to the zap. The purpose of the fence was to train the dog by creating  enough fear  of discomfort in  her that she would choose to stay within the confines of the boundary.  

Dogs would learn, it was proposed, to fear the zap and thus avoid going outside the fence.  The fear, and the desire to avoid pain would, it was believed, even prevent the dog from going past the white flags ...that is...even close to the barriers.  The fear of discomfort became the training tool, keeping the dog in a limited geopgraphical space...making them comfortable physically and psychologically only within a certain area and making them fear what was beyond it.

Sound like a comfort zone to you? 

We, as humans,  are almost trained in the same way, are we not?  After a few loses and painful conflicts we become afraid of traffic and neighbours.  So  we build these invisible walls around ourselves. We create a small, safe and limited space to live ( at least in our minds). We limit where we can go for the sake of protection and safety.  Fear motivates us to avoid getting too close to the edges of our comfort zones.  

We have been zapped when we were close before...it wasn't pleasant...we do not want to get zapped again.  So we learn to pay close attention to where the white flags are and we don't go past those.  The white flags in our psyches are those inner feelings of beginning disturbance...anxiety, discomfort, a bit of unease, the fear of fear.  They are usually enough to prevent us from getting close to the actual fence.  

If for some reason we walk past these flags in our minds the feelings increase until we butt up against the edge and feel the intense zap of Life .  We may panic and retreat back.  We learn  then to not only avoid the painful zap of Life outside our invisible walls, but the feelings that tell us we are getting close to those walls. Our worlds get smaller and smaller.

We stop thinking that we caged ourselves in and do whatever we can to make this place "homey". We stop caring about what is out there beyond our comfort zone.  Fear keeps us away from that.  We create a nice comfortable world within the barriers and tell ourselves this is where we want to be, safe and comfy inside. 

The Electric Fence Did Not Work for Lexie

Hmm!  The electric fence did not work for Lexie.  She knew somehow that her home was far bigger and more spacious than the little yard we limited her to.  She knew somehow that the world was an amazing place to run in and explore. She knew  that she did not have to stay imprisoned by her fear. She gradually learned through testing  that though it was uncomfortable, the zap she got ,would not kill her. 

I watched her over the weeks we had her fenced in as she pushed past her need for comfort and gradually nudged her way past the white flags. I watched her as she worked her way closer and closer to the edge. I watched her as I clenched my teeth every time she got a zap and there were many, many zaps.  I also watched as she continued to keep going close to that edge and how the distance she retreated  back after each zap became shorter and shorter  until one day she leaned  right into the edge. She just stood there while she got zapped, enduring it, almost as if she was relaxing into it,  before walking right through to the other side.  

On the other side of her other imposed comfort/safety zone...there ws no more zapping, no more imprisonment, no more limitation.  she found herself in this amazing, infinte space  where she could run and play without limitation.  She was free.  And she freed herself the moment that she decided she wanted to get beyond the barrier.

Wanting to Go Beyond

We can do as Lexie did and decide that we want what is beyond this limited version of reality  we created in our psyches. We can get beyond all that mental effort  we have to put into keeping this place comfortable.  We can get past our fear by walking right smack dab into it.  Instead of retreating back when we get those uncomfortable feelings that tell us we are getting close to the edge of our comfort zone, we can do as Lexie did, and keep going.  Then when the comfort turns to a full out "zap" we will know we are at the edge.  We can do the opposite of what we trained ourselves to do when we feel pain...we can relax and lean into the wall.  We will then fall right through! 

A bit of discomfort, a  momentary zap, is something we can all endure if it allows us to get past our own limitations, isn't it?  Lexie knew that something amazing existed beyond her comfort zone, that the whole world was her home and she was a dog. Isn't it about time that we, as the so-called intelligent species... realized that too? 

All is well in my world. 

Readers

 Readers are not sheep, and not every pen tempts them.

Vladimir Nabokov

Well dear readers or dear bots whatever you are, I see your numbers are dwindling again.  Sometimes the stat  peeks are as high as a 100 perday (well that is high for me lol) and now today you are down to 7. And it's all okay! It is a reminder like the stocks I invest in (with my whopping big  retirement fund...sarcasm)  of how all things in life are always waxing and waning...you go up and down, you come and go, you flow in, you flow out and it is all good as it is. 

If my writing  energy were to be dependent on the readership stats, or on your opinion of me...then that would be a problem.  But it is not.  Whatever is pulling me here is bigger than you ( no offense) and it is bigger than me.  So obediently I come and I do what I am asked to do. How many readers I get is secondary to my mission.  Heck I am not even quite sure what that is yet! 

Thank you though for reading.  I do appreciate it.  

And if it just a bunch of R2D2's randomly tapping in that give me the occassional spikes ...I am okay with that too...because it is what it is and what is...is. 

All is well!

Let the Walls Come Down

 If you see a wall and it is protecting you from unending darkness, you will not want to go there. But if you see a wall that is blocking the light, you will want to go there in order to remove the wall. 

Michael Singer, page 116

Dark Walled In Spaces

I have been thinking about my kitchen

I bought the house I live in now because it was close to the house I left when I got divorced.  I wanted to avoid upsetting my children's lives as much as possible.  I wanted them to have the sense that I was physically close when they were at their Dad's and that he was close when they were with me.  I wanted them to go to the same school, ride the same bus, have the same friends and neighbours around them that they had when we were all together.  I wanted as much "same" as possible for them in order to reduce, in some small way, the pain of adjustment.  So I, despite how it made the neighours talk ,  bought a house that was literally only three houses away from their Dad's for that reason only.

When I first seen the house  I was not impressed at all by the kitchen.  Under different circumstances it would have been enough to make me turn around and walk away.  I had more important reasons, however,  for choosing that house.  So I bought it. 

I swallowed hard when we moved in  and did my best to ignore the dark entrapped feeling I got walking into the house through that room.  There were very little windows and no light.  The cupboards were dark and the walls seemed so oppressive.  I could tell that the previous owners, designed it  as such as a way to hide away from the world outside. For them it was "comfortable and cozy". The walls, I suppose,  protected them from the "darkness" outside. For me it was just claustophobic and dark inside!

I  hated that room.  It felt like the walls were embracing the darkness and for some reason I would almost get depressed being in the kitchen. I tried to diminsh that  darkness over the years by adding lighting, and  painting the walls a sunny  yellow.  Still it was just dark.  

I then started trying to think like the builders did ...and appreciate the  fact that it did hide me away from the rest of the world.  No one "out there" could see me or my mess when I was in the kitchen and I could not see them.  There was a certain protective quality to it.  

Still the kitchen left me feeling dark and heavy.  I felt stuck and trapped not only in that room but in my life! 

Wanting Light Over Protection

One day  I looked at the main wall in the kitchen and realized it served no protective purpose what so ever.  It was not even a support wall! Infact,  all it was doing was blocking the light from the room with the big picture window behind it from entering. 

Wanting light, I knew what I had to do.  So I, with help from a carpenter, hammered and crowbarred our way through that wall, creating  a large opening in it for a pass-through counter. The room immediately  opened up, the light came in and it was heaven!  I felt  a spacious airiness and a freedom  I had not felt in a while.  

The Walls We Build In the Mind

Hmm! When we see that the walls we build around ourselves for protection  are only hurting us in the long run...by blocking light and  entrapping  us in darkness...would it not make sense to  take them down or at least open them up? 

We build these walls around our tender parts, like the previous owners of this house did, to create a safe  environment , a comfort  zone  we can hide from the world in.  Yet in our seeking protection and safety because of fear over what 'out there' may  cause discomfort 'in here'... we close off from the amazing light that Life has to offer all of us. We entrap ourselves in darkness and tell ourselves it is safe,  "cozy and comfortable" when it is merely oppresive and dark. 

We do not need to live with oppressive and dark.  We can live in light and spaciousness. We do that by first recognizing that the walls we build around ourselves are blocking light more than  they are protecting and supporting us.  

Then we walk toward those walls, even if it scares the *&^% out of us to do so. We can pick up a hammer, a mallet or whatever we have and begin making holes in that flimsy dry wall our minds provide.  We actively open up the wall and embrace the light on the other side.  

But we do not need to do the demolitition ourselves. All we have to do is to stand there and give  Life permission to be the carpenter.  Let it tear the wall down  for us.

You can get out simply by letting everyday life take down the walls you hold around yourself.  You simply don't participate in supporting, maintaining, and defending your fortress.  

The light is always there we just cannot see it through the walls. We can let the walls come down!

All is well. 

Micahel Singer ( 2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger/Noetic Books

Hey Mind...You're Fired!

 One of the essential requirements for true spiritual growth and deep personal transformation is coming to peace with pain.

Michael Singer, pg 99

We have given our minds a totally overwhelming job to perform and we don't even realize it.  We go from blaming the outside world for making it tough for us, to blaming the mind.  Yet can we really blame this amazing tool we have been given for doing what we asked it to do?  It is here to serve us and serving us it what it is doing.

Huh?

The Impossible Job Assignment: "Stop me From Experiencing Pain!" 

Somewhere along the line we decided that pain was a bad thing and something to be avoided.  So we gave our minds this big mission to assist us in the avoidance of it.  We told it to go out into the world and make it as safe and comfortable as possible, to clear the path so nothing scratches us or disturbs our comfort. We asked it to manipulate the world and other people so that it or they do not hurt us. 

So the mind now genertaed by the fuel of fear...works nonstop trying to figure things out...trying to figure out how to make us someone that everyone loves, trying to figure out how to make that person there more loving and accepting of us and this person over here kinder and easier on us, tring to figure out how to protect us from all the stuff that is happening around us like the weather, trying to figure out how to stop things from coming in and disturbing us and what to do about them when they inevitably do??

 Our mind, then, has to work nonstop to figure out how to get the world to behavee enough so we feel safe in it! And when we do have pain inside it works even harder to protect us from having to deal with that. 

So it works and works and works to serve us on this job it has been  given by  us.  It fails sometimes...it lets things in that disturbs us.  It doesn't stop the world from acting up or Life from changing. Hmm! And we blame it?

Our minds are not to blame .  We are.

You are the one who is trying to use the analytical mind to protect you from the natural unfolding of life. pg 95

The mind is just doing the job we told it to do. It is doing what we asked it to do...help us run from feeling pain.

How is that working for you?

I know it isn't working for me.  Life just keeps doing what it does...dumping painful experiences in front of me. As hard as my mind works it just cannot stop me from feeling pain all the time.  And it shouldn't.  In order to grow and expand, to make room in our hearts for what is really important...we have to stop running from pain! We don't keep expecting Life to stop doing what it is doing...nor do we keep expecting the mind to succeed in its impossible mission. 

We can instead turn to our lovely, useful minds that are here to serve us and say, "Hey Mind...You're fired!" 

Of course...in this enforced lay off...we are not expecting the mind to shut down, and leave the boardroom forever.  We just fire it from the ridiculous job we have given it, one it was not trained for! 

And not becasue it failed us...it did teh best it could. We just  realize that is a job that could  never be filled by anyone or anything because it is a job that does not serve in the long run.

You do not need to avoid pain...you need to make peace with pain...to notice it, accept it, make peace with it and release it. Only then will you succeed at what is really important...living your life wholly and with deeper purpose.

All is well in my world.

Michael Singer (2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger/Noetic Books

Grateful

 Everything will be okay as soon as you are okay with everything. And that is the only time everything will be okay.

Michael Singer

I am very, very grateful to Michael Singer for writing this book I am reading for the third time, the untethered soul. I am grateful for those "slush pile diggers"(or whoever they were)  from New Harbinger and Noetic Books that picked up the manuscript and decided to pass it up the chain for publication. I am grateful for whatever that was that inspired Singer to write it and the publishers  to take  the risk. I am grateful for whatever that was that made me pick it up the first, second and third time and realize , "Maybe there is something in here that will help me learn or relearn what I need to learn to go farther on this journey." I am grateful to whatever it is that leads me here everyday to share with you what I learn and relearn from his words.  I am so grateful for the whole process.

Hmmm! 

All is well.

Don't Cut Off a Limb To Get Away From Disturbance

 

Once you learn that it's okay to feel inner disturbances, and that they can no longer disturb your seat of consciousness, you will be free.

Micheal Singer 

Easy to Get Disturbed

Side note:  I am really sick of my lazy fingers not keeping up with my mind leading me to make silly typos...like  these 'e' before 'i' mistakes I am making all the time in words like 'expereince'...see did it again...experience...lol and I often do the opposite for words like receive and perceive. I also struggle with 'because'...creating some strange word jumble with it. 'The' is an annoying problem too...I tend to type 'teh'...and then because I do not have spell check on this, I  have to go back afterwards and correct all my 'teh' typos.  Do you know how many times a person uses 'the' in a 500 + word entry?  A lot. Just thought I would pass that on...as we continue to speak of how the outer world disturbs our inner lol

Speaking of disturbances, are you sick of me talking about this dilemna I am experiencing brought on by this push to make a change? 

Well I am starting to believe Life, the teacher, lined up the lessons beautifully for all of us.  There is definitely a lesson here that I am meant to learn and that I am meant to share.

Caught in Rubble?

All this stuff ( life circumstance and challenge) piled  up outside me...like rubble from a wreckage.  I find myself thinking that I am disturbed because some of this rubble has landed on my left leg entrapping me in it. At the same time I hear a faint voice underneath the wreckage saying, "Help!  Help!" 

That voice  makes me feel more uncomfortable than the leg does. I don't want to deal with it.  So  I reach for the  saw to cut off my limb,  just so I can get away.  Then before I get my trembling hand around the handle of the saw,  something deep within spurs me to read untethered soul again.

Reminder of the Truth

I am reminded, once again,  of this wise truth within me...It is like: 

"Aha!I am finding myself "stuck" now  so I can release whatever that is under the rubble trying to get my attention. Cutting my limb off to avoid the discomfort of some buried crap is a ridiculous idea.  It is only going to cause more pain and disability.  It is not going to free me. "

"If I really want to be free of this so called suffering once and for all...I need to pick away at the rubble while I am here so that my leg, as well as the  trapped energy/emotion/trauma...whatever...can be released. Sawing my darn leg off, running ( hopping) away, and trying to change what is happening 'out there' is not going to save me from discomfort  for long. In fact, it will only compound the problem. I will be hopping around  in  intense pain, bleeding all over the place...and that voice will still be there getting louder and louder annoying me until I set it free. Life will keep piling up the circumstances until I release what needs to be released whether I am standing on one or two legs."

The problem will be back the moment the external situation [the change or in the case of this example...the cutting off of the leg to run from the voice in the rubble]fails to protect you from what is inside. page 84

Running Away Into Change Could Compound the Problem

I know that is a pretty drastic way of looking at it but that is what we do, isn't it, to run from  painful feelings that are being stimulated by some outside disturbance? We put all our energy into "doing" things to control or change  our outside experience just so we do not have to deal with the pain we stuffed.  We manipulate  things to prevent us from having to deal with the inner cries should they make so much as a whimper in their attempt to be heard. We blame Life for our being stuck in our suffering.  We blame the rubble  of circumstance and we do whatever we can so that we can run from it or numb from it, rather than embrace it as a learning opportunity. We are even willing to  cut off parts of who we are so we do not have to deal with these inner problems.

Hmmm! I felt "stuck" in the  circumstances Life had recently handed me.  I had this intense need to get away from it all or at least part of it...not so much because these circumstances were weighing heavily on me as they were in the here and now but because  they were somehow activating some unhealed crap buried inside me that I didn't want to deal with. 

They were touching my stuff and I didn't want my stuff touched.

I felt  I had to stop my stuff from getting touched in the way it was getting touched.  I was debating over the need to make some drastic life changes that I knew  there would be no going back from. Making these changes in my external life seemed like the thing to do. This decision would be deemed logical and supported by many others. It represents the way our society tends to think today. 

Yet...the wise part of me knew ...as reminded by Singer... that this change would require alot of effort, a lot of pain and alot of suffering for others...all so "my stuff " would not get touched.  I was willing to take such drastic measures in a fruitless attempt  to protect some inner crap, I didn't want in me in the first place.  I would have compounded the so called 'problem', the  suffering tenfold...just like sawing off a leg...when all I had to to do...was allow this stuff to come to the surface, and watch it  be released.  So simple...all I had to to do was let go of the stuff inside me so there was nothing there for others or Life to touch or to bother. 

The More Sensible Solution

Wouldn't doing  that be the less painful and more sustainable  option, making more sense in the long run? 

If we feel like we have to "do" something, manipulate the  world and make changes every time someone or something touches our  stuff(the inner blockages we don't want to deal with) ...man we are  not going to have a great Life are we? Our whole life will center around protecting ourselves from the stuff we stored inside by blaming Life and others for causing our suffering, running away, numbing, cutting off pieces of who we are etc. 

And it doesn't work to do this...that stuff doesn't go away ...it just gets buried, denied, pushed down and hidden. 

The solution then for dealing with suffering  is not  to make such a drastic change .  Don't cut off your limb. Cut off that piece of you that prevents you from allowing the energies of life to flow through.  

How do we do that? 

Just Watch

1) Get back up into that seat of awareness and watch Life doing what Life does...watch as it breathes in experiences and as it breathes out.  Notice that Life is just behaving and unfolding naturally. Come to see that Life is not the problem.

2) Then watch that trouble- making, problem-creating part of you in action in response to what Life does..  I call this part the ego.  Watch as it sends you off into the external world to fix everything out there so you do not have to deal with the stuff inside that it tells you is "bad" or "unpleasant". Watch it and know that  as long as you are watching it, you are not it.  You have detached. Notice how ridiculous its solutions for your so called problems are. 

3) Then watch as the feelings you have been avoiding come to the surface, watch as they trigger more thoughts that want to drag you away.  Don't go!  Stay in the seat of watching and as long as you are watching these thoughts and feelings  will not consume you.  It probably won't be pleasant...there will likley be pain if these things were buried with pain...but when you realize these feelings and thoughts are not you...you are the one watching them...they lose their power over you. Like all form, they come, they spin around a bit before you and then they go. 

3) Look at the Life situations that have taken you to this point as teachers, pointing you  to the root of the problem and the true solution...release and letting go. 

So We don't Make Changes in Our External Worlds? 

I am not saying we do not make changes in our lives. We can make all kinds of small changes that  help to take pieces of rubble away...which I am in the process of doing now.  There is no cutting away involved in these small changes I am making. :)  

As far as the bigger changes go...I still may have to make some of those in the future...but only after I release and let go of that inside part of me I was folishly trying to protect. Then and only then can  I  look out at the world, from the clear state of consciousness, to determine what type of chnage may need to be made.  

The real and most effective changes we make are internal not external.  Go inward first and deal with that mess you have hiding away.  Then decide if outer world change is really  required to bring more peace into your expression of Life and therefore in the world. 

Even if it is, it probably will not require the cutting off of a limb.

Hmmm!  Something to think about.

Allis well. 

Michael Singer (2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger/Noetic Books

The Haze of Disturbance

 ... let all your blockages and disturbances  become the fuel for the journey.  That which is holding you down can become a powerful force that raises you up.  You just have to be willing to take the ascent. 

Michael Singer, page 79

It is probably hard to believe  what Singer is saying in the above quote. We might not  agree that the disturbances we sometimes  feel can be fuel  that lifts us higher when it seems  like the challenges are just bringing us down.  Many of us are conditioned to  believe that   we have to run from disturbing things  or "do" something to make it all better. 

I keep writing here about my dilemna ( one I am no closer to understanding let alone solving  btw).  I "perceive" disturbance in my outer world and I am questioning if I  need to make some major life changes  in response to this ongoing 'situation'.

Most 'normal-minded' people, including professionals, would look at my situation and say, "Definitely.  Make some changes to your external situation.  You are suffering because  of what is happening in the world around you , so go there for the solutions and the changes.  Do something and do it quick!"  

I myself often go to that place of thinking the same thing.  Even my strong gut instinct occassionally points to certain things 'out there' as the source of my disturbance.

Yet, though I know this focus on the external world as the source of our happiness or suffering is 'normal'...a deeper part of me knows normal does not equate to truth. A deeper, more wise part of me knows that all disturbance has  an internal cause and therefore the solution will never be found in any change I may make 'out there'.  It will only come with cleaning up my insides. 

It is the inside that is a mess not the outside.  The so called disturbance is coming from the inside. Life events  have little to do with it. So housecleaning should begin inside. 

Most of us, however,  are looking out at the world  through this internal mess without even  seeing it   and that is like looking through some really dirty lens and seeing the world around us through the haze of disturbance. The world looks like it is a mess. The world looks disturbing. But it isn't, our view is.

Life Doesn't Change Its Nature, Perception Does

Life is not punishing us when challenging situations of varying degrees show up in front of us.  It doesn't set out to hurt or destroy.  It is just Life coming and going, arising and dissolving through different forms.  Sure Life is in a constant state of change.  That is the nature of Life.  That nature, however, has not changed just because we percieve difficulty. It is not like sometimes Life is still and frozen in time...where nothing moves, nothing dies, nothing comes in, keeping us safe and protected...and other times all these things suddenly start to happen and move about threatening us.  This is always happening...Life is always moving, changing, bringing things in and taking them out.  That is the nature of Life. 

It is just sometimes we 'perceive' it as beautiful and sometimes we percieve it as 'ugly'.  Sometimes we 'like it' and sometimes we don't.  Sometimes it gives us the  warm fuzzies ...other times we 'perceive' it  to be dark and depressing. Life has not changed its nature.  We just changed our perception of it.  We changed the way we look out at the world.

The Seat of Clarity 

When we are able to step back away from ego with all its silly and unrealistic expectations, when we refuse to get lost in drama or what is happening out there and maintain instead our seat of awareness in higher consciousness....where we can witness Life doing what Life does around us and through us without getting lost in it ...when our insides are clean and the energy of outer  things just flow through without getting jammed up...we look out at the world through a very clear lens.  There is no judgement of "this is good", "this is bad", 'this is pleasant', "this is unpleasant", "this is disturbing", "this isn't". Life just is.  It is beautiful, amazing, full of mystery and awe.  There is no ego interference, therefore there is no fear.  Without fear there are no problems and therefore no need to fix or make changes. We operate from a very high vibration...Love, joy, enthusiasm can flow into us, through us and from us. It is a state we want to be in.  It is an inner state that determines how we see the world. 

When we fall from this seat of witnessing...things change. We see differently.  We experience Life differently on the inside. We struggle against it, believing we need to manipulate it somehow. 

Through the Haze of Disturbance

How do we fall?

Well the whole thing starts with fear...and fear is just another thing that comes into our experience.  If we do not accept, let in,  release and let go of fear like we are meant to do with all these things that come into our experiences,  fear  gets stored inside. Then becasue fear does not like fear...we will spend the rest of our lives trying to keep fear inside and hide from it so we do not have to feel it. This blocks our energy.

How do we hide from fear?

By doing whatever we can to control and manipulate the world out there, to make it safe and easy so it doesn't 'trigger' our fear.  We begin to define how Life should be out there in order to avoid anything disturbing fear in here. That is where "This is good" "This is desirable" and "This is bad" "This is undesirable" comes from. We then spend a great deal of enegry seeking, and clinging to the good and desirable,  and pushing away, resisting, struggling against the bad and undesirable. We are actually struggling with Life just so we can avoid feeling fear. 

You are either trying to figure out how to keep things from happening , or you're trying to figure out what to do because they did happen. You are fighting with creation.... pg 73

How is that working for you?

Have you stopped fear? Or are things out there constantly stimulating your fear no matter what you do to try to control it? Are you noticing that the more you try to supress fear, keep it under wraps inside you, to stop the world from bothering you...the more you get bothered? 

Life meant to challenge us to release fear

Life is going to constantly hand us situations that disturb us and therefore stimulate fear because it wants us to release all these blockages.  Life is meant to flow through us so we expand and go upward, not so that we shrivel up in fear. We need to have open hearts to do that...so we need to remove the blockages fear creates.

So things are going to happen.  Some life situations will be easy, some challenging. We are not meant to run from the challenging ones, in order to keep fear hidden  in its place within us.  We are meant to "allow and embrace" the challenges so fear is triggered and comes to the surface and from there we release it and let it go! 

If we allow these situations to distract us, and take us to a place where we neeed to run from them or "do" something about them just so we do not fear...we will fall from our peaceful state of awareness.  We will fall down into that lower energy vibration.  We will get all caught up and tangled up in disturbace and not see that...that is not who we are.  We will forget that we are the witness, not the disturbance.  

When we look out at the world all tangled up in this inner mess we created...the world looks pretty bleak. 

...as you look out through your disturbed energy, everything is distorted by the haze of disturbance.  Things that looked beautiful now look ugly.  Things you liked, now look dark and depressing.  But nothing has really changed.  It's just that you are working at life from the seat of disturbance.

This is sufferng. This is being held down by disturbance.It is not the situation that is the problem for us...it is the way it somehow stimulates our fear.  But what seems like a problem is actually an opportunity for growth. 

It doesn't have to be this way.  We can instead free ourselves from this and get back up into the seat of higher consciousness. We can have an open heart that sees the beauty and majesty of the world.

All we have to do is be willing to confront fear and allow it to come through us, so it can be released from us. This disturbance ...if embraced rather than resisted...can take us back up to higher awareness and a higher vibration. 

Are you willing to climb?

All is well.

Michael Singer (2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger/Noetic Books

Watching the Dance of the Psyche

 There is nothing wrong with being peaceful and centered[ in response to heavy life challenges and loss] as long you are releasing the energy , not suppressing it. ...No matter what events take place in life, it is always better to let go rather than close.

Michael Singer , page 67

I really, really do not want to close my heart.  I want to live with a permanently open heart that flows freely with love and joy and enthusiasm for Life.  I do.  

I have been watching my psyche dance around  and see how I have been opening and closing over the last little while.  As I observe this dance now I see thatt the ballerina has bowed her head and is still.  The curtains have closed!

Watching the Dance

When we watch this dance going on in our minds we are going to see several things happening. (Singer, 2007)

• First we are  going to see this tendency we have to defend and protect ourselves.  We have tender and wounded  flesh within that we want to protect from getting irritated. We have a tendency to close up around it when something we deem as unpleasnat or disturbing comes our way. 
• Then we will notice how much work that closing and protecting requires...It is life long work .  It is exhausting.
• We can shift our focus from the protecting actions of the mind to the part of the mind that is doing the protecting. We recognize the ego.
• We can decide not to do that anymore and to get rid of that nasty frightened  little part of us   that feels it needs to attack and defend all the time to protect itself instead.  If you don't really want it, then don't protect it. 
• We can put our whole being into what is happening here and now...be in the moment.
• Know that we are constantly going to run into disturbances from out there.  Just be aware of our reactivity: the subtle energy shifts of disturbance happening inside  and stop!  Just stop tensing up and resisting and struggling against.
• Let Go...take our attention away from the disturbance.  Go back to the center...breathe, focus on body, on the sensations around us.
• Refuse to follow those disturbed energies where they want to take us.
• Release and relax into our center!

Making a decision

Can you recall the last time you had to make a big decision?  Watching the somewhat awakened mind make decisions can be a little dizzy making. 

Hmmm! I am in a conundrum. A change in my life  is definitely required.  I am trying to figure out if an internal or external one  is required.  My gut seems to be screaming at me that it is external change I need to make  ...yet I am, for some reason, doubting that internal warning. I am even questioning these strong feelings I get .  

I find myself asking these questions: 

Am I just reacting egoically to some minor disturbances?  Or is this legit heavy stuff that requires a different approach than above? 

Is it really intuition and a warning from higher Self  prompting me to actively make a change in my life circumstance or is it mind playing tricks with me just to stir up some drama ?   (Ego is by far the biggest 'pot-stirrer and trouble maker' out there.)

Am I to follow through on the change gut is telling me to make, listen to these strong "feelings" I have been having or am I to see it all as a form of  resistance, the ego's way of protecting and defending this idea of "little me", of running away behind  a protective shield?

Will this change I feel like I need to make really help me to open my heart and heal once and for all...or will it actually be a means to close it down farther? 

Am I trying to manipulate and change what is happening 'out there' just so my tender parts 'in here'  don't get more disturbed than they already are?  Or is staying in the circumstances I am in  preventing me from releasing samskara and healing these tender parts once and for all so who I really am can shine through? 

Is the most important objective  of  these circumstances Life presented me with  ...to learn to accept what is and make peace with it as it is,or is it to realize the  value of my own needs and grow and move away from circumstances that keep me stuck...albeit gracefully and gratefully. 

Who is "me" that  I want to prserve and help grow?

Is my apparent dissatisfaction with my life circumstances right now and my challenge accepting them with grace and joy  a result of the unhealthy heaviness of these life circumstances, their negative and unnecssary "impingement" on my heart and mind and my inner Self's attempt to say I can grow beyond them...or is it a sign of a closed heart...a heart that is judging things as good or bad and  pushing away to avoid disturbing my insides? If I stop judging will I find enough peace to stay here? 

What do I feel I need to protect anyway...really?  Is it what my spirit needs in regards to physical form: mind, body, health, property that is being threatened or is it just this version of "little-me" and its puny "me, my, mine" needs that I am attempting to protect? Should I just let them have that? 

Am I fooling myself  again, even after all my practice, into thinking that anything done "out there" will make it better for me "in here" when I know all disturbance is a result of mind not external world events?  And if I know that it is just the mind I need to work on, does that mean I should conscioulsy choose to stay in situations that my gut warns me are unhealthy?  Unhealthy for what or whom?

Should I put my needs aside in order to meet the needs of others? Is that what a fully functioning heart plan is all about?  If "little me" is something I should get rid of...should I commit Self to a life of unhappiness and unfulfilment in order to spare others from the suffering my decision may cause? 

Hmm!  I am just perpelexed. Watching this dance going on in my psyche has got my head spinning lol.  I am quite confused. 

I do not want to make any major decisons from ego guidance.  I want it to come from what Singer calls, "The Seat of Consciousness" .

Hmm!  Another big question is...am I there yet? Sometimes I think yeah...this is where this decision guidance  is coming from and other times I just don't know.

I will figure it out.

All is well! 

Open Heart Surgery

 

Do you want to try to change the world so it doesn't disturb your Samskaras, or are you willing to go through this process of purification? 

Michael Singer

Hmm! This is a big question for me.  I have been writing and talking about how I so desperately need to make a change in my external world as if that will solve all my problems.  Not? 

Whatever is happening in my external world is simply triggering some inner world stuff.  It is activating some Samskaras which are blockages, according to Michael Singer ( page 53) , an impression from the past. It's an unfinished energy pattern that ends up ruining your life.

I have some old knots in me, some unhealed emotions stuck inside me...like plaque around the cusps of my spiritual mitral  valve creating an unhealthy opening and closing in reaction to what Life throws my way. 

Our  perceptions are meant to sense what is going on in the now... take the "energy" of things outside us in ..so we can experience them and then this energy is meant to pass through us so we can be there fully in the next moment. Life energy from  experience is just suppose to flow through us.  

The heart is like a big beautiful center for that to happen.  Most energy just passes through as it is meant to. Unfortunately, mind sometimes steps in and says "Oh No!  That cannot go through!  Too painful. " So we resist this particulat event.  

Or it says "Wow!  That is wonderful!  Hang on to this one. This is what you want all the tme.  Look for more of this and whatever you do do not let this go!"  So we cling to certain emotional energy.  

This energy of a resisted or clung to experience  gets stored in our heart like vegatation from a staph infection...affecting how the valve works and therefore affecting how the energy of Life is passed through us. It affects  the way we process Life.  This is a Samskara...a blockage of energy in our hearts .

The only way to fix it  is...not by controlling all the events out there...making sure we have positive circumstance to stimulate the positive energies we have stuck...or to push away, avoid and resist the negative circumstance so it doesn't trigger our negative stuck energy.

Healing means fixing the valve...removing the plaque and vegetation the samskaras leave behind.   We need a type of open heart surgery...but not the kind that replaces a valve...the kind that releases the valve.  We get that  through accepting all that is...relaxing and releasing into our pain.  

Sure it will hurt for a bit If it was stored with pain, it will release with pain. but when we allow the energy from these trapped emotions to be released we heal in the ultimate of ways and we get what Singer refers to as "a permanently open heart" ....which is the ultimate state of being alive.

Hmmm!

Something to think about!

All is well!

Micheal Singer (2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger/Noetic Books 

More on Story Telling

 

You are never going to kill story telling because it's built into the human plan. We come with it.

Margaret Atwood

Hmmm!  I am about to write a list of events down that "I" was a part of   ...or more accurately, witnessed, in the last little while with the soul purpose of relaying them to one selected individual who handles these types of things on a regular basis.  

Now part of me instinctively goes back to wanting to spruce these details up with melodramatic flair...to selectively pick the goriest or most sensational details out of the pile of stuff that has landed over this little clump of flesh I call "me".  I might actually follow my story teller's compulsion and write it out like  a great drama with "poor little me"  starring in it, but then I will do what I did with February 12th's entry...strip it down to the simple facts. 

Yes, telling story is a way to release trauma and pain. It does serve a purpose. And as Atwood  quotes above, it is a natural part of being human. 

Removing story, however,  is probably even  more therapeutic in the long run. Removing "me, my, and mine" brings us away from this idea we are seperate characters in this play and helps us to understand the impersonal nature of suffering. Removing a lot of the unnecessary narration and detail...as perceived by ego...gives the story a different texture. Stepping away from the "star role" in the drama and becoming the witnessing audience instead also puts a totally different perspective on things. 

Story telling, as natural as it is for us,  can take us away from actually experiencing Life as it is...keeping us locked in the drama the mind creates , caught up in the "words" rather than allowing us to 'be" in this moment, right here and right now. It can close us up. 

The absence of the need for story or the  process of removing story  keeps the heart open rather than closed...allowing all the circumstances, energy and feelings of life to just flow through us instead of getting jammed up through rsistance in details that knot up our insides. We have the space, then, to be compassionate and kind rather than closed up and suspicious.  We don't have the need to push things away, or pull things closer to us and cling to them.  We don't have the compulsive tendency  to attempt to  manipulate and fix our outer expereinces so Life is more bearable. We don't get lost in the idea of past and future and we settle into our now. We just love Life as it is instead of fearing it.

That is what I want...to be open, compassionate, kind, loving, joyful and enthusiastic about Life.  Why can't I tell a story about that?

All is well in my world. 

Telling Our Stories

 

We tell ourselves stories in order to live.

Joan Didion

Hmmm!  Still thinking about the desire to tell story.  This is what I came up with in my pondering.

We tell story and by that I mean we  relay the details of our experience in a selectively descriptive way in order to:

• personalize what is happening to us and around us so the egoic mind can make sense of it.  The ego is very narcisstic isn't it?  And it likes to analyse and  make sense of external events.  It does that by insisting there be a "me, my or mine" attached somehow.  So it personalizes everything.  Somehow the pyschosis or suffering of another is created to be something thas has to do with 'little me'.  (I mean in this case it did...because I was the supicious target and because it is happening in my houseold) but any detail we add to the story we tell others has to be "me" focused.  So we take things that have nothing to do with us personally...things maybe we have no business making our own...and we make them about us through story.  And I am not talking about a story of  empathy, compassion and metta kindness here. I mean...using  other experiences to create a melodramatic victim status. 
• to project away from true suffering and real emotions we would rather deny.  The better the drama we create, the better the story.  The better the story, the more in the head we focus.  The more in the head we are the less we have to focus on real feelings and experiences in the here and now.  I was feeling a mixture of things yesterday..."overwhelm" being one of these things. There was also fear, worry, concern, frustration, hoplelessness, resentment, guilt and shame.  It was uncomfortable to feel this way and my protective mind said, "Yucky!  Don't go there.  Story telling is much more fun." So Iwas really tempted  to create story around this experience.  
• release emotions.  Reflecting on our experiences and how they make us feel is a very healthy thing to do. For that reason writing and telling our story can have therapeutic effect.  It will allow us to understand how "we feel" and help us to release trapped or residual emotion  that accumulates in our dealing with the circumstances of our lives.  The thing is, we don't need an audience to release emotions...just writing the story in a letter or telling one trusted person would suffice.  Many of us, however, tend to go beyond telling one trusted person.  We want an audience taht will react. We do not write a letter to have it stuffed away in a drawer or burnt.  We seek an audience that will feed our egos and keep us from releasing these emotions. We really don't, then, tell the story just so we can release emotion...we do it so we can control emotion.  
• get  a reaction and validation.  We share our stories so that we are validated.  "Man this is is what is happening.  Don't you think it is alot tohave to deal with?  Don't you think I have a lot on my plate too?  Don't you believe you would find all this challenging if it were happening to you?"  We want the fact that we are finding it difficult to cope validated as normal, don't we?  Yet...too often we take it a step farther. We want  people to not only validate our challenge but to  oohh and awe over the magnitude of "problems" and "challenges"  we have in our lives.  To tell us that we are strong or that we are undeserving of such challenge.  We want, I guess, some "special" status reward for our suffering....that will come with such  reactions from others.  

Well that is what I came up with so far in my thinking about the need to tell story.  It really is quite interesting.

All is well in my world. 

The Drive To Tell One's Story

 

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.

Mary Angelou

Note: I caught the typos on this post that I hurried to write before getting back to things...and it was quite amazing...just how many there were.  Will edit some. (I really have to start getting affect and effect right, don't I? Effect is a noun, affect is a verb ( well unless you use the psychiatric term for someone's facial  expression and outward appearance...I think that is why I get screwed up so much...well we'll blame it on that lol) 

The Need to Tell Our story to Others

I write and as someone who writes I have a compulsion to tell story. I hav a compulsion to tell my own story.  I am testament, I suppose, to the fact that truth can sometimes be stranger than fiction. I have quite a story.

The point is whenever I find myself "overwhelmed" or bombarded by the experiences of Life...I have this drive to go and tell someone what  I am experiencing....more specifically to describe the  external circumstances that  have come my way.  I want to relay all the gory details...well the ones I select to enhance the version of story I wish to tell, one where I come off a certain way.  It is more than a coping mechanism for me.  I want others to know just how "bad" it was or is for "me".  

Hmmm!  Somehow when I tell the story...when I get lost in the drama and the details (again selective) I seem to make the suffering more bearable...or at least I am getting some form of external reward for it.  I am hoping to get what is equivalent to an Oscar I suppose , for my little egoic and lost starlet to redeem herself with. 

So last evening...I felt overwhelmed.  Watching someone struggle with a psychotic episode can be overwhelming, especially when there are so many other things going on. Feeling helpless...I found myself collecting story details.  I then expanded the story beyond this circumstance to all the tough experiences I have been a part of lately. 

Then I wanted so desperately to share them with someone...to get some type of reaction, maybe?  An "OMG...I can't believe you ( yes it becomes about "me" not the people I am witnessing) have to go through that.  You are a true victim...a true hero...worthy of praise and adoration." 

The story and drama, ego tells me,  will take me away from fear, vulnerability, inadequacy or at least make it all worth while.

Who I am beyond this bloody ego... let's use 'I' was luckily the part of me that was dealing with the crisis from that quiet, calm and wise space. The whole time it /'I'was also watching my ego react to this intensely stressful situation.  I watched as it felt helpless, frightened, concerned; while it added this circumstance  to a list of a thousand other plot twisters. I watched as it personalized every deal, somehow making it about "me".  I watched as it wrote the story in the head and then looked for a reader or an audience to share it with.  I watched as I sat here for over an hour yesterday  writing all the deatils of 'my' life that would play 'me' as the heroic victim while the situation went on behind me; I watched as I faught the temptation to go visit someone and spill it all out; I watched as I texted people I have not spoken to in a couple of weeks and slipped the fact that "my"  life is in turmoil into a casual conversation somewhat sublimally yet obviously with the main intention as to say, "Man have I got another story to tell." 

No one took the  bite...thank goodness...because the higher part of me...did not want to get lost in story. It just wants peace for all.  It just wanted to stay open, loving, compassionate, calm and peaceful. 

It recognized ego and the pattern...saw what ego  was doing and thankfully Life intervened by not allowing any fish to bite.  So I did not "get to " tell more than a slither of detail to anyone.  I did not publish yesterday's rant.  And I am now considering this need to tell story very carefully.

Is this drive  to tell one's story healthy or unhealthy? Is it release or entrappment? Does it offer spiritual healing or does it just make the ego fester and grow over spirit? What does it give and what does it take away from our waking up experience?

Hmmm! I don't quite know. What do you think? 

All is well. 

Waking Up Instantly? Or Slowly?

 You develop an instant global consciousness, a people orientation, an intense dissatisfaction with the state of the world,and a compulsion to do something about it. 

Edgar Mitchell, Apolla 14 Astronaut

As I reread the untethered soul by Michael Singer (highly recommended btw) I am thinking about awakening to the realization of who we really are.  I guess, I have a narcissitic focus and am really thinking of how this waking up is happening in this little clump of flesh I call "me". 

Instantaneous Awakening? Samadhi 

Some people wake up instantaneously.  A Course in Miracles refers to is a Holy Instant and teaches that this profound  transcendence in our understanding of things can happen in a moment.  

This Course is not beyond immediate learning,  unless you believe that what  God Wills takes time. And this means only that you would rather delay the recognition that His will is so. The holy instant is this instant and every instant...Delay it not. 

ACIM-T-Chapter 15:IV:1

Through Suffering and Awe

It happened in a moment for Eckhart Tolle and for astronaut, Edgar Mitchell on his way back from the moon.  For one (Tolle) it was in a moment that emerged through a field of intense suffering and for the other ( Mitchell) it was a moment that emerged from a field of immense awe.  

Through Meditation, Prayer and Sacred Rituals

It can also happen through an intense meditaton practice. It happened for Buddha in an instant...but only after years of walking in the woods alone, starving himself, meditating for hours in search of it.   Then  one day when he was meditating under a tree, doing what he was doing for years...the inner scenario changed...and in came Mara and a bunch of temptations he was able to put aside for the peace he longed for. And boom...he woke up from that meditation a Buddha.

 It happens to Yogis too.  Patanjali wrote about that "Samadhi" that can be attained through meditation and yoga practice. It happened for many Christian saints when they prayed, as well. Shamans also report experiencing it during their rituals

Through Death and NDE's

It also happens, it seems, the moment people die.  Some people come back from that experience to talk about it...like Dr. Eben Alexander III or Anita Moorjani.  The message they tend to bring back is that "You do not have to wait until you die to see clearly what Life is really all about". 

A Certain Death Required

But I am starting to believe it takes a certain death to acheive this realizaton.  Maybe not necessarily our own physical death but  it requires the loss that comes from the death of some type of form, be it physical or psychological. Maybe we will lose someone or something we love that we identified with and find with the absence of that form an emptiness that we cannot make sense of.  Maybe it will come with the loss of our health (physical or mental), the loss of our freedom ( Nelson Mandella) or the loss of some belief system we once trusted heavily in.  It definitely comes with the loss of old limited ways of seeing. These are all cracks or openings for a Great Truth...a Great Mystery to shine through.

Hmm! In his video, Beyond Form: Allowing Loss, Eckhart Tolle puts it this way, 

Every form obscures God and every death of form allows God to shine through.

Shining Through

When Edgar Mitchell was rotating in his craft, suspended in space looking down at the earth ...a form died.  That form was the very limited perspective he had about the universe, a perspective  he lived with while on earth. With that form gone...and in a state of complete awe...God, higher consciousness, Complete awareness, shone through.  His old ideology was nolonger obscuring it and he seen and experienced the interconnectedness of all things. He had a "samadhi", a "Holy instant", a sudden awakening, a divine epiphany. Instead of seeing the Universe through an egoic mind...he saw it while settled in the "Seat of Consciousness".  He saw it clearly.

I am Slow Waker-Upper.  What about you?

My awakening is not really coming in an instantaneous way lol but it is coming.  Thanks to a certain amount of suffering and a lot of questioning of that suffering, I sought spiritual knowledge.  I studied at a deeper level than I ever had before, a level that went beyond science, psychology and what I was conditioned to believe. 

From there I reached a mini-realization...the starting point for samadhi,  that allowed me to see that the mind was the problem, not Life.  From there I had a willingness to go inside and work with the mind.

 So that is what I have been doing...trying to observe, and befriend, and release my Self from the prison of  a very untamed mind.  I am heading toward Samadi which will be attained when I am firmly seated  on the Seat of Consciousness ( Singer, 2007) and am able to see through the form that comes and goes around me, be it my thoughts, feelings, or circumstances etc. 

Will I attain it in this  life time?

I don't know.  Maybe not...but I am getting glimpses of peace and understanding that is definitely changing this life experience I, as "little me", am experiencing  and which, I believe,  has the potential of changing the life experiences of  others should I share what I am learning. 

I have more of a global consciousness than I ever had, seeing the need for unity rather than division.  What about you?

I have more of a people orientation being that I recognize and have more compassion for the suffering of others than I ever had.  I am sure you do too?

I am deeply dissatisfied with the state of this world...how we treat each other, other beings and the planet. You?

So I continue to learn, to grow, to change as I continue to share and teach from my limited understanding about the possibility of samadhi or at least living in a higher state of consciousness.  

Why?  

I don't know.  I just feel compelled to do so. So I do.

All is well. 

ACIM Text, Chapter 15

Kasia Bosne ( December, 2014) An Interview with Dr. Eben Alexander . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCRwuJoQAZg

Michael Singer (2007) the untethered soul. Oakland: New Harbinger Publications/Noetic Books

Eckhart Tolle (March 2021) Beyond Form: Allowing Loss. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojq1AAMvZvg

CBC Quirks.Going into Space is a Life Changing Experience. https://www.facebook.com/CBCQuirks/videos/1272457726177844

TEDxTalks (November, 2013) Dying to Be Me: Anita Moorjani at TEDx Bay Area https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhcJNJbRJ6U

Attempting to Control Life with the Mind

You recreate the world within your mind because you can control your mind where as you can't control the world.  That is why you mentally talk about it. If you can't get the world the way you like it, you internally verbalize it, judge it, complain about it, and then decide what to do about it. This makes you feel more empowered. ...you feel better.  In the thought world there is always something you can do to control the experience.

Michael A. Singer, the untethered soul, page 12

Hmmm!  Now that is something to think about lol.

How much do you narrate your life so you do not have to "live" your life?  How much time do you spend in your head rather than in your body or moment? What world are you in right now?  The thought world? Or the real world? 

Well yesterday's post shows that I am not near as evolved as I would like to be. I am obviously still very much in the thought world, narrating my life so I am not actually living it.  

I looked around the real world recently  and realized I didn't particularly like the way it was. So I internally (and externally) verbalized it, judged it, complained about it and then went on a mission to decide what to do about it. 

Why did I do this?  

Reality is just too real for most of us, so we temper it with the mind.

-Singer, Page 13

Because it gave me back some of the  power I felt life circumstance was taking away.  Thinking the way I did and writing it all out here made me feel better.  I actually had this false sense that I was regaining control of something I was never meant to control...Life! 

Outwardly Sharing the Mind's Voice

My writing is and always has been an expression of the world I created in my mind, not necessarily what is real. Yesterday, I took the  circumstances I was witnessing  and selected and chose which ones best suited the theme of my present schemanta(Negative), matching them up with judgement and interpretation to similiar thoughts and memories from my so called past and  similiar expectations and projected visions I had for the future. I then created this narrative, this story that I spilled out here on this page. 

All along, it was just a story...just a voice chirping away in an attempt to make "me" ( whoever this "me" is)  feel better, to trick me into feeling like I had some control over Life and that there was something I could "do" to make it all better.  

Hmmm! Meanwhile Life was being Life, doing what Life does. Circumstances were just flowing through and past as all things of form are meant to do. "I" ...who I really am...am not these things nor am I the narrator/the voice that gives play by plays to myself or others about these things.

I am the witness! I am the one that silently witnesses Life and the mind that intreprets it. 

When will I finally get that and give up my need to narrate?  

(Well that would be a tricky thing for a writer to do lol.  I would offer nothing but blank pages if I stopped narrating.  So maybe it is a good thing I am merely in the beginning stages of awakening, so I still have something to offer here.) 

Rereading the untethered soul.

All is well! 

Come to know the one who watches the voice, and you will come to know one of the great mysteries of creation.

Singer, page 13

Michael A. Singer ( 2007) the untethered soul. New Hrabinger/ Noetic Books

Giving the "mine" away

 The meaning of life is to find your gift.  The purpose of life is to give it away. 

Pablo Picasso

"This isn't "my"  house. Heck this isn't "my" life.  It is just a house this form I call "me" pays a monthly mortgage for and lives in, and Life  just happens to  be expressing itself through this form, as it expresses itself thorugh all the forms around me.  There is no owndership...nor is there anything personal going on."

That is the mantra I keep reciting to myself as I deal with the present circumstances that I seem to be so egoically reacting to. I am not being very gentle or compassionate with this "little me" as I watch myself reacting, creating story and thought around why I am feeling so unhappy and unfulfilled with where this form is at right now. I am even watching myself collecting greivances. 

It isn't "mine".  

None of this that I am trying to protect is "mine." Yet I seem to be going around with a super sized label maker, mentally putting my name on the things around me, the things I do and on me...because people seem to forget that the "me" I think I am is even here. The ego is not liking the fact that "my" rights , "my" needs, "my" efforts, "my" time and "my" space are not being appreciated, respected or considered in the way it thinks it should be . 

I keep hearing Picasso's words in my head, "Give it away." 

Give it All Away

Heck these lives we call our own are not our own. They are meant to be given away, aren't they, for the greater good? 

The Life that makes us and flows through us, is all about giving. Even if it was mine, I am to give it away, right? We are to give away our special gifts...whatever we are here to do .  We are to give away our possessions, our love, our time.

So why am I drawing back behind imagined borders, trying to protect my title to this house,  the rights of this persona , and this body from the thoughts, deeds  and energy  of others? Why am I defending  and attacking for that which isn't important in the long run?

What is important and worthy of protection anyway?

It was easy, when we were egoic to defend and attack for that which we thought ws important. Protecting the idea of "little me" was all important and  anything that stepped on the  toes of it was worthy of our attack.  Right?

Things change as we begin to evolve.  The whole idea of "me, my and mine" loses its significance. So we may become confused as to what we should actually protect and what we should let go of.  The following are worthy of consideration:

What we are here to do?

Giving our special gifts or the fruits of our callings away  is why we are here. What I am here to do is important. And as crazy as it sounds to even me, writing and teaching  is what I am here to do.  I am more than  okay with giving that away....if anyone will take it that is. :)

Ownership of Material Things? Independence? 

Is maintaining ownership of or order in this house important?  Oh to ego it is...ego has been really slapped around over the last decade or so and has lost a lot of the things that redeemed it.  Being able to maintain independence in paying this mortgage on my own, and  keeping the house in "my" name was one of the last ego things I clung to.  I was clinging to that in fear of what I would become without it. 

Healing Space and the Right to Avoid Excessive Draining?

I also tell myself that I need a space to heal, nourish, nurture and replenish that which will allow me to give, and serve in. I need a place where I am  "fed", where I am not always giving and doing...if I can't be given to in this space...it is important that I least prevent myself from being drained farther. If I don't maintain  a comfortable and healng place to call mine ...will I still be able to do what I am here to do? So I cling to a corner that seems to be getting smaller and smaller and less and less "mine". Ego is getting more and more diminished which I know in the long run will be a good thing but for now it is sucking the energy out of me!! It seems to be hurting more tahn my ego. 

The Body

My body is important to protect.  Yes. But becasue I feel like I am being drained of precious energy in my attempt to meet the needs of others, especially when that effort is not actually helpful in the long run ( enabling) , appreciated, or respected, and I am not given the space or time to replenish myself...my body is getting sick. I know from my dream that I have time to reverse this.  Yet does that mean reclaiming this idea of what is "mine", when it it is just that ...an idea? I don't know.

Peace of Mind

That is the most important thing in my life and I feel it is very worthy of my protection. Maintaining peace of mind often involves, not only the internal soothing but external soothing as well. It may mean removing Self from negative and unhealthy energy drainers.  It means facing truth instead of denying and supressing painful truths and behaviours that may have hurt or has the potential to hurt others in the future.  (That is becoming the new norm here and in my exhaustion I am somehow allowing  it  so I can get through my days. Yet the truths are constantly whispering to me, interfering with my peace. ) Peace of mind  means...staying compassionate.  I am not as compassionate as I want to be...with others or myself.  In an attempt to prevent more draining, I  am sharp and prickly, rather than kind and peaceful. Yuck!

Human Rights

I mean, I was always big on preserving human rights and equality for all. Unfortunately, I am not so big on including myself in that mix. I have a tendency to deny my own needs and rights in giving to others.  I set an example for the people around me to do the same. When I notice others impinging on my rights, taking advantage,  taking and breaking  "my" things, dismissing my requests, treating me like a housemaid etc   I tell myself ..." well there is no "me, my or mine" anyway, is there? This is just an ego thing."  I step back and swallow my desire to be assertive. I end up surrounding myself with more and more of the  same circumstances again and again. I own that! 

Sigh.

I am going to figure this all out. 

 I share it as an example of what we individuals who are waking up  may ponder when we consider the need for change.  Not as easy as it used to be , is it,  when all we had to do was look out for number one?

All is well! 

Honoring Your Reality Right Now

 

The first step to change...is honoring your reality right now. 

Dan Millman

While on the topic of accepting the now and at the same time mentally preparing myself  for some necessary change, I came across an Eckhart Tolle video today entitled, Accepting the Present Moment, not the Life Situation. 

So though I know the circumstances of "my"  life seem overwhelmning at times, there is still a succession of precious moments within them that I can focus on.  

And I am learning that though we are best off to revel in the 'isness' of Life and  allow it to express itself through everything we encounter, that does not mean that we are not supposed to take action to change our situations for the better.  

In fact, the two go together.  We accept the now for what it is, witnessing Life expressing itself through any form we are offered.  And by being present and aware we gain the clarity and the wisdom to take the steps necessary to improve our life situation.

Notice, accept, allow and even honor embrace what is first.   Then change.

We cannot make healthy change when we are in a state of denial, or resistance.  We must first accept the reality of our here and now....then we either watch as Life changes for the better before our eyes or listen as we are guided towards the healthiest steps to take  for change. 

Hmmm!

All is well.

Eckhart tolle (May, 2019) Accepting the Present Moment, Not the Life Situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9y6G8PvGFY

Needing Something to Look Forward To?

 I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward.

Charlotte Bronte

Do you need something to look forward to? 

Is having something to look forward to essential for making your life a happy one?  One that is worth living? Are you one of the many who ascribe to the idea that "hope is everything"?

The Beauty of Hope

I do love the feeling of hope.  I love the way it picks me up and gives my life a little meaning. I like the way it puts a spring in my step and gives me a gentle nudge forward. Hope and having something to look forward to has provided much needed light in some of the darkest spaces of my life.  It kept me going.

 I also  absolutely hate the way I feel when there seems to be an absence of hope...when  something I was hoping for or looking forward to doesn't materialize. I hate how dark it all gets when there doesn't seem to be anything "positive" or powerful enough to focus on up there in the distance, something I can move toward that will take my mind at least, if not my physical entity,  out of these holes Life seems to so unceremoniously dump me in from time to time.

I, for the longest time, was  convinced that hope was essential in creating happiness and meaning in this human experience.

Hope: A Conditioned Response

I know I am not alone in thinking this way, am I?  Philosphers, poets, as well as spiritual and political  leaders have for centuries used hope and our dependence on it to move humanity forward, haven't they? Aren't we taught that it is all about going forward.  What has been conditioned in us, is this message, "Now sucks! Don't think about it. Deny it! Repress and suppress it!  It is not important. Escape it by turning your mind to something up in the distance.  The future is all important, all that matters really.  This moment doesn't matter unless it can take you up there. Just use this awful or insignificant  now as a stepping stone only ...step on it, crawl over it, pretend it doesn't exist...as you make your way to that distant light up ahead. Always have a light up ahead to move toward. Focus on that. " 

Hmmm! This mentality works I suppose in keeping people moving forward toward their goals.  It keeps up productivity and movement, activity and alike. 

But.... 

Hope: A Destroyer of the Acceptance of  Now? 

What does hope and a reliance on looking forward to something do to our understanding of the "now"?   If my happiness is dependent on having something to look forward to up there in the future ( a time, I will remind you that never comes) am I truely happy, and at peace?  Am I truly living if I am experiencing life only in my mind? How do we then respond to the moment we are in, the timeless, furureless presence? Are we using hope as a drug to numb from , so we do not have to truly "experience" and "feel" Life right here and now? 

When we get to a certain understanding that life is now...not up there in the "idea" of a  future, that the future is just a mental concept created by an ego that is never satisfied....will hope still have the same effect on our life expereience? Will we still need "something to look forward to" or will we find a certain peace in having "nothing to look forward to"?

Hmm!  I ponder this as I realize my future, according to ego, looks pretty blah! At first, I was like OMG...I have nothing to look forward to...there must be something terribly wrong with me."

Peace in Not Having Something to Look Forward To.

Then I gently reminded myself : My life isn't up there in some proverbial future.  It is here and now.  I don't have to numb from this moment, no matter how challenging it may be, by filling my mind with an injection of hope...I just have to be  here and now, breathe here and now, experience what my body is feeling here and now, notice, allow and learn from the emotions that are here and now as I express them, release them without judging them. I don't need something to look forward to.  I need to live in the only time I can truly live...here and now.

Wow!

That was a bit of a revelation. 

Maybe we should do as Charlotte Bronte did...look into the moment, the presence, the essence of now which she referred to as looking upward to the source of faith...  rather than spend all our time looking forward to something.

All is well.

Change Required?

 

I cannot say whether things will get better if we change; what I can say is they must change if they are to get better.

George C. Litchenberg

Man.  I know I need to make a major change in my life.  I have been knowing I had to do this for a while.  This dream I had recently about what was going down in my body and the warning I had that if I don't make changes soon it could become something more serious...was more than a little reminder to make a change. My symptoms are a reminder everyday.  My body is a loud communicator! 

I kind of know what type of change I need to make but I really do not know...or at least...I refuse to accept fully what this change will entail. I just know I gotta make one.

How do we know we need to make a change in our lives?

I have realized there is several things that I experience that precedes any change making necessity in my own life experience:

• I find myself dissatisfied with doing the same old thing over and over again.  It seems that I am stuck in a cycle of mundane activity. It becomes even painful to do the things I do in my "routine".
• Energy levels are low.  I become tired and easily fatigued physically.  Emotionally, I am less happy.
• I get sick.  That is a big one for me.  My body cries out , "Don't keep doing this to me." 
• Negative circumstances, just keep bombarding me.  It is like I am a cow in the wrong pasture and Life is constantly zapping me with some Celestial cattle prod in order to get me moving out of that pasture. 
• I care about the material things around me less and put less energy into looking after them.  Whereas I might be all up on everyone to not eat in the living room when I am settled, for example, ...I just give up on nagging, realizing how insignificant it all is when a need for change is pending. 
•  I notice and have less tolerance for others' less than considerate behaviours but at the same time I do absolutely nothing to try to change them.  I don't even express my feelings about them anymore.
• I am irritable and not nice to be around.
• I have an intense need to run away, to leave everyone and everything in my present experience behind
• I am withdrawn and self protective. I don't want to be around people.
• I need time alone to think, write and meditate.
• I hungrily seek nature...even if it is only to stand out in the sun or to open a window so as to feel the breeze and listen to bird song.  
• I need to pray, meditate, reflect a whole lot more.
• I become selfish and even narcisstic.
• I become less dependent on others
• And the big one...I no longer look forward to the future....with more of the same in it

Of course, these are also all the signs and symptoms of depression, aren't they? Yet...I know from past experience ...that all it takes for me to get beyond these things is a change.

There is an old saying, "A change is as good as a rest." I truly beleive that.

The question is, now as I am evolving ever so slowly: "What type of change is called for?  An internal one or an external one?"

Sometimes I need an internal change to match or deal with the external circumstances of my life.  And sometimes I need an external change, to deal with or match the internal condition of my life.

What I figure I need when I answer that question this time  is an external change to match what is happening inside me. For some reason the  energy of my present environment  and circumstances is not matching my inner  compulsion for peace and harmony. I am choosing, accepting, allowing, and unsuccessfully closing my eyes to things in my outer world that are negatively affecting me and that I have the power to change. 

Hmm!

I need to serioulsy think about what type of changes I need to make..

What about you?  Do you see a need for change in your life?  And if so...is it an internal or external change you need to make?

Something worth considering.

All is well in my life.

Writing About Pain

 

Took yesterday's post down.

Why?

It came off complainy.  I was focusing on pain,  the less than positive that was happening to my body and in my life. It all seemed like a very narcissitic adventure.

So I took it down.  

But as I was writing about why I took it down, this came to me. 

Pain 

It wakes me up;

it knocks me down;

it causes me to curl up in a ball.

I step away;

I slap away;

I slip away into "me"

It steeps,

it bubbles up

until  it boils over, 

scalding 

and inflaming "my" tender flesh

into a vibrant shade of red.

 

If only  I could remember

that all I have to do

is not panic

and reach over with one trembling limb,

to lift the cover the mind provides 

up and away,

just so  pain,

in gasps of steam, 

can escape

while humanity patiently 

watches the boiling sensation

be reduced to a simmer.

I can manage a simmer. 

We can all manage a simmer.

Dale-Lyn, March, 2021

And then I felt compelled to put yesterday's post back up. 

Isn't it okay to express how we all can  overcome the suffering pain brings about when we allow story, resistance and impatience ito escape from the  experience, even if it is an "I" explanation?  I also  wanted to express how pain is a human experience rather than an individual one...even when it seems so personal.  Expressing pain, allowing it to be released helps to reduce the pain of human  Life to a simmer.

I often write in "I" but I do want to take that "I" and expand it into a greater Self. 

As far as the dreams I can have go...don't get hung up on that.  I don't understand them.  I just , at this point, trust them. And I haven't a clue why.  Call it woo-woo if you want to.  It is all good. 

All is well.