Marianne Williamson
So I am still on the kick of special relationships. Not thinking so much about romantic ones but the relations we have with others: coworkers, friends, siblings, neighbors etc. We often use the terms "best", "special", "greatest', "most esteemed", "most valued", "closest" when we are describing some of those relationships we truly value, don't we?
Do you feel special in a relationship like that? I am going to be the bad guy again and burst some more bubbles. I am going to tell you, in the kindest way I can that, you are not special! I know...I know...it stings even to contemplate that possibility that you can not redeem yourself from your sense of incompleteness and brokenness through the perception of being special. It sucks!
Specialness is of the Ego
Any claims at specialness or any proclamations of just how special you are...all come from the ego and we know that anything that comes from the ego isn't real. Ego is "needy" and "self-centered". It tells us we are incomplete, alone, bound to suffer. It also tells us we can redeem ourselves through relationships where we are viewed as special and selected or where we choose, pick and select others that are special. How do we choose?
We apply or past the trust test. I will tell you something about myself that I do not tell many people...it is going to put me in a vulnerable position...if you respond the way I want you to, without judging me or hurting me...and if I feel better because of it...then I will make you special. If I can do the same for you ...than you can put the "special" badge on me.
We tell ourselves if this person passes the test and really likes me...they will give me what I need. They will make me feel better about myself; they will listen and understand me completely; they will forgive me; they will shower me with affection; they will always be there when I need them and they will care about me unconditionally.
They will meet my needs because I deemed them as special or if they proclaimed the same of me...I will meet theirs! We expect mutuality here but like anything based on ego there is no mutuality only the appearance of it. The ego is too self-centered in its neediness to maintain mutuality.
Expectations
There is then...special obligations, regulations and duties, determined by the ego, for the special person to take on to maintain this status. It is adamant that the parties meet these expectations for the relationship to continue in a "healthy" way. Special relationships are not unconditional then...they are very conditional. When we decide someone is going to take on a "special" role in our lives we become demanding in our expectation. Egos version of healthy ... isn't healthy for the spirit.We do not expect the fulfillment of these duties from the other people in our lives whom we do not deem as special, right? We do not expect our acquaintances, the cashier at the grocery store, the bank teller or the co-worker down the hall we only meet in the elevator once a week...to meet these expectations, do we? We are not disappointed or hurt when they really do not seem to give a damn about our health, our problems or anything else in our life...do we?
No... we do not expect anything from them but a little respect and cordiality. We actually seem to be more pleasant and smiley around those people...more consistently content...than we are around our "besties" or our siblings. Why?
Without expectation there is no disappointment. Ego doesn't jump in and start playing mind games with us...it doesn't have time to in these quick, friendly banters and exposures. There is nothing to lose because we know there is nothing to gain. It just is what it is.
But for the person whom we attached "best", "special", ""closest" too ...well we do expect a lot more, don't we? We place the impossible burden of "fixing" us on the other. This is a burden only the superhuman can fulfill and we often feel hurt, stung, devalued, angry, guilty, blaming, defensive etc when we see that the individuals wearing the "special" uniforms we gave them to wear cannot fly.
Seeing Relationships for what they Really Are
In my waking up process, I am looking at all my relationships in a new light, through new eyes. It is amazing what I am seeing and what I am feeling. More and more, I seem to be seeing just how not special I am in the eyes of others lol. It is like a falling from grace that the illusion of specialness allowed me to stand on for a while. It stings like the dickens but I am so grateful for how much the impact is helping me to wake up even further. I am learning enlightening things about others, relationships and most importantly myself. I can step back and see ego in all of it.
Lately people I claimed as special are having a challenging time meeting my needs. My life is too heavy right now! I reek of drama and not the exciting kind...more like the Greek tragedy kind lol. No one really wants to sit through the play and can I blame them? Right now my physical world circumstances are too heavy for social relationships. Until I am able to make peace with them...I cannot except others to want to see or hear about them.
That is why I stepped back from the world a little bit. I closed the curtain and the audience of "specials" who sit before it seem more comfortable with that. They do not have to witness the heroine's struggles. It is not what they signed up for when they decided to do the "special' thing with me way back when . I was supposed to be uncomplicated lol...boys did they get the opposite of that. at the same time as is teh nature humankind, they still expect me to be there for them. When I can't be they get disappointed.
Our expectations of each other are ridiculous. I have come to realize, that everyone I have a relationship with, that falls in the so called "special" realm in my mind, is basing their understanding of me on illusion. Each has painted a specific picture of me that suits them...that meets their particular needs. They do not necessarily see me, understand me or accept the "real' 'me...nor do they want to. I do the same with them.
None of us in the relationships I have are special. We are human beings with big fat egos that do a lot of nasty things including convincing us that we need special relationships to be whole. We expect, we blame, we collect grievances and offenses, we manipulate, we try to get the other person to feel guilty for not keeping up with their end of the deal... making us complete.
We are already whole and complete. Imagine starting a relationship knowing that you and the other person were already whole...that you didn't need them...that you just wanted to enjoy the time you had with them without any expectations...that you alone were responsible for your life and if your friend decided one day to listen...great but it wasn't a prerequisite for time together or for your peace of mind? Wouldn't that be healthier?
What if you were more concerned about being kind and compassionate to everyone than you were about receiving a certain amount of kindness and compassion from a special other...wouldn't life be a lot more the way God intended?
You see...when we include a selected few into the realm of "special' we exclude a greater number of others. Inclusion brings exclusion. Inclusion and exclusion are of the ego...not of God. We are not meant to exclude anyone from our compassion, kindness and affection, are we?
I don't know people...just more food for thought. I hope you hear more than bubbles bursting when you read this. I hope you feel the bit of truth in this. I truly think the world would be a better place if we could get rid of our need for "special" anything. I think our minds would be much more peaceful without the expectations of specialness. What do you think? Just another long rampage from the crazy woman lol ? Maybe so...maybe so...but it makes a lot of sense to me.
All is well in my world.
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