Learning On the Other Side of the Gate

 

Exclusion is never the way forward on our shared path to freedom and justice.

 

Desmond Tutu



Gate Keeping

Gate keepers are necessary players in healthy team dynamics.  They help to welcome and filter information (and individuals) that enter a group.  I know this because I teach Communications and I can see the gatekeeping taking place all around me, in the groups I assign, when I do.  I also work within a team. I used to participate in this particular role from time to time when I was working at a fuller capacity.

As gatekeepers we want to ensure that team enhancing and goal assisting information enters and flows through the group and that the unhealthy stuff (including members who are potentially threatening or useless) stay out.

"Gatekeepers, a term originated by Lewin (1947), are persons who either facilitate or impede information flow between people.  Gatekeepers are therefore at the nexus of exchange among individuals interpersonally, in groups, or within and across organizations." (Burke, n.d.)

Gate keepers are also responsible for ,"helping to keep the communication channels open: facilitating the participation of others..." (Porteus, n.d.)

When it is you that gets the Keep-Out signal

This is an important and team enhancing role, right?  We all take part in it from time to time whether it be in a work team, a community team, or a family team.   We pass on information, warmth, support, welcome, encouragement to participate and invitation to make the team work.  We filter out or put a big "Keep Out" sign on the gate when we want to keep stuff ( including certain people) out that may reduce the effectiveness of the team or the desired quality of its dynamics. We all take turns, then, including some at the expense of excluding others for the sake of the team. As long as we are tucked nicely and securely within the gates, we seldom think of the effect of such inclusion and exclusion.

Inclusion, we tend to take for granted and expect it when we have been a part of a team for a while.  We expect people to pass on information to us, to include us in group functions whether they be social or professional.  We expect that we will "always" be seen as a vital and important part. ..that others will seek out our presence and provide us with the necessary information that makes us feel part of the team. We develop a sense of lazy entitlement the longer we have been in a group.

Truth is things change...we change, circumstances change, life changes, teams change, roles change,  professional expectations change.  We may find ourselves, as I did,  caught up in that change and suddenly outside the gate. We may no longer be seen as vital members worthy of information, warmth and support.  We may find ourselves unintentionally and even intentionally excluded from the group by those elected or self elected as gatekeepers. We may no longer be wanted.  We may no longer be needed.  The gate may be closed and a sign may be placed on it for our benefit.  "Keep Out."

The expressed or not expressed rationale for our exclusion may be because we are threatening to some members, we are not effective enough in our roles, we are toxic, we are draining the group resources with our neediness or we are just too heavy because of the life- baggage attached to us.  Our presence somehow impinges on the personal and interpersonal needs of the group!  Does it really matter why?

It will sting.  It will feel a little  like grabbing barbwire as you reach out to discover your sudden lack of team importance.  You may feel angry, resentful, self-pity ( my ego likes self pity :)), hurt, rejected and down right miserable.  What you are feeling  is your ego, as big and inflamed as a swollen hemorrhoid on your psyche.  It stings like hell! 

My ego has incurred such a sting. I have been looking at the gate from the outside and feeling pretty darn sorry for myself.

The Learning

  

There is learning in this. Sure it stings like the dickens but know that it is just your ego that is stinging.  Your ego, which was attached to something it never owned in the first place, is reeling from a perceived loss of identity.   The trick is to get beyond the ego inflammation to the wonderful opportunity for growth that exists beneath it. Recognizing these truths may help:

• You are not your ego!
• See the experience though the eyes of who you really are beneath the ego and it takes on a whole new light
• You are not "special" and you will never be.  Special is just a word played with by the ego
• No one owes you anything including information, warmth, support or welcome.  This is not something you are entitled to though you certainly are worthy of it.
•  You can choose peace or you can choose to react to the circumstance with ego defense which really is just another form of attack
• Think of those you excluded in the past ( and we all have at some point excluded someone when we took on gatekeeping) and empathise.  The same sting you feel now is what you inflicted on another.  We can take this awareness into future groups.
• This is just a set of trivial external circumstances that bruise the ego a bit.  You can certainly survive this.
• There may be a legitimate reason why the group wants you on the outside.  What are you responsible and accountable for?...Find that, own that, learn from that and grow from that.
•  Often exclusion is purely team strategy...nothing personal.  So don't take it personally.
•  Know that your pain comes from over attachment to something that really does not define you.   Learn to detach.
• Forgive the gatekeepers though there really is no reason to because they are likely unaware of how it is making you feel.
• Know that other opinion belongs to the other.  You do not have to own it.  Because you may not be considered valuable in this team does not mean you are not valuable.
• What does the experience show you?  Is it time for you to walk away from the gate? Make a spiritual decision.  Do  not base that decision to leave ( or to demand back in :)) on the ego of those within the team that no longer seems to have a place for you within its gates.  Most importantly don't make it based on the inflammation of your own ego.  Remember this advice from a nurse: With proper care all inflammation resides eventually. You will not see clearly until it does.  Make your decision then.   

 I am grateful every time my ego gets triggered and I can step back and watch what is happening through the eyes of the detached observer.  I grow more and more into the person I want to be with every ego burn. The clarity I am gaining when I look out at others, relationships, life...is amazing!!! I learn so much about myself and the  world that I cannot help but walk away ( once the stinging stops lol which it has) smiling in gratitude. It is all good.  It is all so very good.


Please note:  This entry is not referring to the exclusion that comes from cultural, religious, gender or racial  bigotry.  That goes beyond the gate keeping I refer to here. 

All is well in my world.


Burke, W. Warner (n.d.) gatekeepers. Blackwell Reference Online. Retrieved from http://www.blackwellreference.com/public/tocnode?id=g9780631233176_chunk_g978063123536111_ss2-3

Porteus, A. (n.d.) Roles people play in Groups. Retrieved from https://web.stanford.edu/group/resed/resed/staffresources/RM/training/grouproles.html