Albert Einstein
I know...I know...I have always spit on the words limitation and disability. I thought they were concepts in our vocabulary that would diminish our potential as human beings at both the personal and interpersonal level. I thought if we used these words in our daily conversations we would manifest scarcity and a lack of ability in our lives.
I think I was wrong.
Einstein and a very wise woman I met yesterday helped me to see that. I now see that resisting and denying completely this idea of physical world restriction keeps us pushing against a wall that does not exist. This constant stress of fighting and pushing against something is more likely to do damage and therefore to create more limitation in our physical worlds than admitting to being limited ever could.
On the other hand...admitting to our limitations and accepting things as they are right now and right here can help to open a door to the possible. We can only go beyond our limits when that wall of resistance falls away or a door is opened through it.
Acceptance is the answer...not denial.
I have physical world limitations. There I said it. Right now I have a house that will never be cleaned the way I want it; and a bank account that is not going to allow a Porsche in my drive way anytime soon (not that I want one lol...just an example). I am limited in what I can do for my children. I am limited in what I can offer my employer. I am limited in my ability to get complete three articles a week for publication like I had promised to do. :) I revamped my goal to 2 short articles or one longer one per week! My bad!...
Most importantly I am limited by my body because of illness ( however you wish to define illness).
For example: My cut off point for my angina symptoms was always about a seven on a scale from one-ten. "Okay", I would tell myself. "I will stop if it gets to seven and take nitro if it doesn't go away with rest. If the nitro takes it away, I will get back up and keep pushing." I will not completely stop unless I hit the nine. So in a sense, I felt I only deserved to stop doing if I hit the nine. It was a break on 7 and a rest on 9. I am talking about angina here!
I did not respect my body. I abused it. Why? Because I didn't want to admit it was limited especially when certain others outside myself were telling me it wasn't. These others never truly looked at me or listened to my story. They never truly read my chart or tried to put the pieces together. These others never walked around in this body or experienced any of its pain. Any cries from it that could be captured were rationalized away by too many different opinions. Any cries from me were by some, explained, as being "lies" or cries for attention. Those I was sent to ... didn't really care enough about me to discover the truth.
Not that they ever had to care. I know that. They don't owe me. They are very, very busy and have to prioritize the immediately life threatening. There are a lot of sicker people in the world. And man...in my own attempt to deny the severity of my experience...I have a tendency to downplay. Part of me even wanted to believe they were right about me.
I am not so angry anymore because I realize that their opinion really was never the true problem. I was the problem. It was my own approach to limitation and disability that was the problem. I was , in my foolishness, pushing myself to pain and exhaustion. I was going to keep pushing, possibly to death, until I heard them (those with the fancy medical specialities and who really do not need to care as long as I am not at the point of dying in front of them) say, "Stop! It is okay to stop! It is okay to respect what your body needs. "
Up until yesterday, I have never heard that from any professional but my GP and a few kind souls attending in ER.
When I heard it yesterday, it sunk in. I could see what I was doing. My ego and my dependence on validation from other ego was driving my body into the ground. I was letting it!
The only Person Responsible for your Health is You!
You see the only person in this whole wide world that is responsible for my health... is me. The person responsible for your health ...is you. You are going to have people from all avenues of health care make positive and negative opinions about you if you seek help and health. You have no control of other opinion. You will be told all kinds of things...Some of it will be all "ego" based and some of it will be "truth". Some of it useful, some of it not. Some of it will feed you and some of it will starve you. Some of it will direct you wisely and some of it will get you lost.
But your body...your very wise body will tell you what you truly need to hear. Listen!
If you stop straining to hear the voices of ego (others and your own) and listen to your body instead...it will guide you in the direction that is best for you. Stop pushing it and hurting it and just listen to the wisdom it has to share. Respect it! If it tells you to stop...stop! If it asks you to exercise it more...do so! If it asks for water...hydrate it. If it requests fuel that is packed with nutrients...give it that. If it demands sleep...let it sleep. Respect you body so it can continue to drive you place to place on this wonderful human journey.
You will not hear it, however, until you tune in to it. It may require time and practice to direct your mindful awareness towards your body. It is a practice you must start now!
Though spirit and who you really are beneath your body and ego are unlimited....the things of the physical world do have physical limitations and expiration dates. Your body will not last forever. Take care of it while you can! Honor it! Respect it! Love it! Do not let your ego drive it to the ground as my ego was doing to mine.
Make Four Your Nine
"Make four your nine," was some other wisdom I gained from yesterday's experience. To me level four symptoms were something I normalized. They were something I would push past. They were something I would do my best to ignore so I could appease my ego and get things done. Level four symptoms did not merit a slowing down in my book because they were a long way from nine.
Yet ...level four symptoms are not normal. People do not walk around short of breath with a pressure or squeezing in their chest or neck that creeps up the scale. People don't walk around lightheaded or foggy brained. People do not loose their vision out of the blue. People do not spend their days exhausted. People don't feel like they are about to faint or faint all over the place. People do not normally have to take nitro up to 12 times a week just so they can get by!
The heart is crying out from a level three on the scale upward, "I cannot, for whatever reason, get that 02 to the parts of the body that need it. Man! I am trying so hard but I still can't get it there!" It is not normal for the heart to have to cry out like this.
If I am not bent over with pain...not waking up from a face plant on the floor...not so tired I can't get out of bed...if my heart rate is above 48 and my systolic BP is above 80...I ignore my heart's cries for attention. I make it normal for me.
When symptoms creep up past five on the scale and that attractive belching starts, signalling that the symptoms are getting worse...I do not stop.
When they hit a six and the pain starts to go between my scapula...I tell myself..."It will go away, it will go away...ignore it!" Even though I am starting to feel a little anxious as I suddenly recall, as if for the first time, how bad it can get...I keep going.
When I begin to feel like I am going to go down and/or if the BP bottoms out and the pulse begins to slide into the low 40's, high 30's.....I sit down
When the pain itself gets so bad I just can't do what I am doing. I pop a squat and a rest for a bit. If the pain goes away in a few minutes, I get up and go back to what I was doing. If it doesn't, I reach for the nitro.
I take the nitro, wait ten minutes (I want to give it the extra five to be sure I really need to take it)..if it is still at a 7 range, after I do take it, I take another shot...wait another ten...and hope and pray that it goes away so I do not have to take the third dose and thus do the ER thing.
This was all normal as long as it was "doable". I thought if I could keep doing then I should have nothing to complain about. Ego is all about doing. Those who I sought assistance from are all about my ability "to do." Quality of life was never a priority.
"Can you do that without croaking? Good...keep going. You are fine. There is no reason for you to stop!" (lol) I know that sounds harsh but basically that was the way it was at times. I own the fact that I allowed that thinking to permeate my being and guide me in my doing. That's all mine!
And if you allow other similar opinion to guide you in your health seeking...it's all yours. You will be responsible for driving your body into the ground? Do you want to own that?
Make four your new nine, as I was encouraged to do. If your symptoms (whatever they may be that diminish the quality of your life experience) hit that four on the scale slow down, stop if you must and ask your body what it really needs. Are you pushing it past its comfortable limits for no other reason than to appease your ego or the ego's of others?
Listen to your body! It will tell you but to hear it you need to be willing to listen.
Going Beyond the Limits
Once we accept the limits of our "physical" world, including the limits of our bodies we can go beyond them. We can begin to detach our focus from outside things where limit exists and go inward where nothing limited exists. When we do that we soar past our physical world connection and wake up to the knowing that there is so much more!
Yes I believe we have this potential as human beings to go beyond the obvious. People heal themselves from illness all the time. (That is a topic, however, for another time :)).
Right now...the key step to take on our journey beyond our limitations , is in accepting that, at least for now...they exist. Respect them, as you would any unwanted guest, until you find a way to politely get them to leave.
It is all good!
Note: these pics are not mine. I took them from clipboard and I do not know how to reference them lol
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