Relaxing and Calmly Studying the Psyche

So with all our feelings and action-our tears and our smiles, our joys and our griefs, our weeping and our laughter, our curses and our blessings, our praises and our blames-every one of these we may find, if we calmly study our own selves, to have been brought out from within ourselves by so many blows. The result is what we are. 

Vivekananda, Complete works, Location 2537

I have been reading the Complete Works of Vivekananda every night now for over a month and it is still only 5 % read lol.  There is a lot of noted wisdom to get through even though  the book was just recorded notes from his lectures and he only lectured for a short period of time before dying an untimely death (Oh, how can a death be untimely?...It happens when it happens.)  Anyway...it is very interesting and inspiring to read such wisdom. 

In the above quote, he is basically describing the psyche in regards to karma.  He is telling us that any disturbance experienced (positive or negative) is a result of what is being pulled up into our awareness from the inside  Our psyche is a collection of all these emotional energies and suppressed stuff.  It is the psyche, the personal self, the ego, the little me (however you wish to describe it)that is responsible for any disturbance we may experience, not the situation we are facing.  He stresses that we would know that if we could "calmly" (relax) and look within these minds of ours to see the mess they are creating in our lives.

Michael A. Singer, in the below podcast, teaches this as well. He tells us we need to observe our minds to discover that it is the source of all our problems, and not what Life is handing us to experience.  We are here on this planet for the short time we are on it, to experience all it is.  That would be a simple and enjoyable thing to do if our minds did not get in the way. Psyche gets in the way of the true experience.  It creates noisy static we can not hear through  and a dirty lens filter we can barely see through.  So busy is our amazing light of consciousness shining and focusing on psyches noisy mess, it doesn't shine on the Experiencer and the experience, it is here to experience.  Too many of us are stuck in our heads and the stress and fear it creates, and we do not live the full experience of Life.

It is not what is showing up in front of us; it is what the mind does with it. ...that creates most of our disturbance.  We got that, right? If you are feeling overwhelmed and anxious with your job...the employment circumstance you are in is only, at most, 5 % of the problem...95 % of the disturbance comes from  the personal mind, the psyche and what it is saying about it. So if the problem is not out there, either is the solution.  You could quit your job and go elsewhere but it is almost guaranteed that you would become disturbed again. Why? Because you are bringing your disturbed mind with you!

So what is the solution?

The solution is to "calmly study ourselves".  The solution is to look inward to ask, "Why am I so bothered by this?  Why am I anxious and afraid? What do I need to change "in" here?"  This is going to be a challenging set of questions to ask ourselves if we see the outside world as the source of all our frustrations and fears....but ask it we must.  The more we examine the mess in the mind, the more we see it as the source of our disturbance.

Relax! Stay Calm and Carry on! 

Of course, we need to be calm when we do this, to relax.  Singer calls relaxation the highest technique in dealing with suffering.  "Just relax and experience life", however, is not an easy suggestion for most of us to follow when our amygdala's are calling out their warnings and the sympathetic nervous system is screaming "Run or Fight! Do something!!!" We are so programmed and conditioned to listen to these minds and will want nothing more than to "do" something about the situation that we believe is upsetting us. It is then, more than ever, we need to do the opposite of that habitual tendency and relax. 

Not the Mess or the Stress 

Remember you are not the mess or the stress.  You are not the mind with all its dramatic reactions or even the body with its sometimes terrifying  physiological ones.  You are the One in there, here to experience all that Life is.  In order to reconnect to that Experiencer, we need to get beyond the mind.  We get beyond the mind by relaxing away from the stress, tension, fear the mind creates and into what is. 

Relaxation is a practice.

It is not the mess and the busy mind we are going to relax.  No, that will do what it does.  We are going to relax despite the mind.  We going to remember who we are beyond the mind and lean back into that. We start by learning how to relax which many of us do not know how to do.  Most of us don't even know how tense we are.  So we observe mind and body and then we relax into mind and body so we can get beyond mind and body.  There are valuable relaxation learning techniques out there that we can begin practicing in times of lower degree of stress.  Hatha yoga is amazing for that reason.  The more we practice Hatha yoga, the more we relax into the body and mind, as we see beyond it. It helps to prepare us for those times monkey mind takes over leading us into fear and stress reactions. Eventually it will help to decrease the amount of times, mind is able to take us away in this manner.  Meditation and mindfulness is also an amazing tool to help us "calmly study ourselves" and help us to tap into that peaceful center of who we are, helping us to access it easier even in times of great stress. Then there is pranayama or breath awareness, progressive muscle relaxation etc. There are so many  tools out there.  We can experiment until we find one that works best for us. 

Life is not meant to be a day to day struggle with fear and worry.  It is meant to be a fun, joyful and awe-some experience.  The only thing preventing it from being so is our attention on the mind and the world rather than on the Self within.  Let's do as Vivekananda suggests and learn to calmly study our own selves. Let's do the inner work necessary. We can start by  learning to relax at this very moment!

All is well. 

Vivekananda (n.d.) The complete Works of Swami Vivekananda: Volumes 1-9. Kindle Edition 

Michael A. Singer /Sounds True (Sept 13, 2023) Relaxing Behind Your Inner Disturbance. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYGBrG_fDoo&t=120s

Improv Actors on an Amazing Stage

 All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. 

Shakespeare's, As You Like It ( Act II, Scene VII)

We are all just actors in an improv drama.  We wear different costumes, take part in different scenes, meet up with different characters, face different adversities and win different victories...but it is all just a play.  Unlike the  masterpieces Shakespeare created, this play is improv, so we do not know what will happen next. That, if anything, should make this whole thing more exciting.  

Many of us, however, live in fear of  what might show up in the next scene, so, we may choke on our lines, pull back into the shadows and fail to live out our parts fully. We may be still reeling from the last scene and unable to participate fully in this one. Sometimes we are so bored or so fed up with the challenges of the scenes we are in, we do what we can to quickly get through them  in hope that the next scene will offer more. Maybe Prince Charming will arrive on his white horse to save us, or maybe the villain will be destroyed by someone.  When we spend our acting effort hoping and dreaming for something better in the next scene, we do not make the most of the scenes we are in. 

We also, throughout it all,  think, so mistakenly, that the whole play is written and scripted around us when we are only bit actors. It isn't about us at all...we just get to be a part of it. 

The costumes and make up, is overly important to us too.  We care more about creating an appearance than we do about the lines we are given, or the purpose of the part. We may see ourselves at the mercy of the critiques. How we appear to others and how they appear to us becomes of upmost importance.

 Most sadly, when we act out our parts we so often lose ourselves in these characters and forget that we are the actors beneath the costume and makeup, not the roles we are playing. We take it all too seriously and forget to enjoy Life.

If we could always remember that we are the actor, beneath the part, who was given this wonderful opportunity to take part in this amazing play on this incredible stage we call earth...we would simply  watch ourselves perform these roles, going through the pleasant things and the unpleasant things without being attached to any of it. We would enjoy it all, without getting lost in the drama. None of it would be bad and none of it would be good.  It would all just be an  incredible play we get to be a part of. 

Hmmm! That is what came to mind when I listened to the below podcast.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (October 15, 2023) The Art of Handling Life. https://tou.org/talks/

FYI on Exposing Imperfections

 

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage are not always comfortable, but they are never weakness.

Brene Brown

Exposed in All My Imperfections 

Just wanted to let you know I made a deal with someone yesterday regarding my youtube videos...the answering of questions from the jar in a ten minute time frame...that I have been doing for well over a year now.  I have been intending to keep these videos very low key because they are so far from perfect it isn't funny . Well, this individual promised to help me with something I needed help with, if I made all these videos public.  Yikes! I agreed to do so and now I am chewing on my nails.  I keep reminding myself...it doesn't matter how I appear "out there"...it matters only what "I am" "in here". Maybe this exposure will help to scrape the  remains of egoic me away enough so the deeper me in all its truth  can shine through...or maybe it will just embarrass me to no end lol. Whatever will be will be. I will honor my part of the bargain. 

All is well. 

Are you "Okay"?

When a thing can no longer offend, it ceases to exist in the old way...3rd Zen patriarch

When people ask me if I am okay, I will often respond with, "Define okay." 

And they usually look at me as if I have two heads before answering.  Then they might say, "Is Life treating you good?  Are things working out? Are you getting by financially? Are the kids doing okay?  Is he, or your job, or this thing you have or are doing  making you happy?" 

When I say "No," they look at me again in a state of shock and disbelief.  

"Well, I don't understand.  You look good.  You look like you are doing okay." 

And I just nod my head, "I am!"  

I can almost hear the silent words in their heads as they look closer at me with wrinkled brow and hand on chin. What the fork? 

Say what crazy lady? 

"Okay," to most of us refers to a state of being able to avoid what we fear and being able to get what we want from the external world.  So in that way...I am far, far from okay lol. I seem to be having trouble getting what is needed for survival, let alone comfort.  I am facing almost every parenting, financial,  and social fear a person can have. My exterior world seems to be nothing but challenge.  It is as messy as my psyche. Well, that isn't true. Thanks to the challenging events that Life is handing me, my psyche is actually going through a forced clean up.  It is probably less messy now than my external world seems to be.  That is why I am more okay than I ever was, at least inside. 

The Learning

I have learned, you see, that this state of conditional okayness most of us operate with is not going to sustain me or anyone else. I have stopped spending all my energy attempting to run and hide from my fears, attempting to get what I could from the "out there" so I would feel somewhat more comfortable in here. I see, now after so many decades, how that doesn't work. It really doesn't. I don't want "okay" to come to me through escaping fear and  improved life situations. I want to go, instead, to where "okay" is regardless of what I have, who I am with and what I am doing.   So, I focus my attention inward now and put my energy towards a spiritual practice or sadhana. 

Success is Failure

In society's eyes it may seem that I failed on the "okayness" test. I have failed as a successful career person,  I have failed as a financially independent retiree.  I have failed health wise.  I have failed as a parent.  I have failed as a writer.  I have failed as a social being.  And I have, I suppose, according to that criteria for "okayness".  But Singer reminds us that "Success is actually failure!" So, according to him, I have been very successful because of these failures. :)

An Inner State

I have learned through all that has unfolded in front of me, partly due to uncontrollable forces and partly do to my choices, that true success is an inner state of okayness that is not disturbed by what is happening "out there".  True success is in realizing who we  truly are at the deeper level and being able to experience the world- absolutely all of it- from there. It is about living a higher life than conditioned mind tells us we can. Sitting in the Seat of the Soul allows for a higher life, while mind keeps us in a low life state.

\

if you spend your life avoiding your fears and trying to get what you want you are going to live a very low life

Experiencing Life in the Seat of Consciousness

When we can, instead of averting and grasping, simply experience life from the seat of consciousness as the mind does what it does, the heart does what it does and the world does what it does, and be "okay" with all of it, not needing it to be anything but what it is....then we succeeded in the real way.  We have done what we are here to do.  We can then remove this powerful and amazing light of consciousness from the "me" and all its fearful and desiring dramas and place it on what is really important. Our most important purpose here is to let go of the power our minds, hearts and the world have over our consciousness so we can shine it on what is real.  Singer tells us we can connect to ecstasy when we do that.  For now, I would be content with peace. 

Spirituality holds the secret to the mystery of Life and the meaning of Life.

As long as we choose the higher practice for the higher Life, we are  bound to be okay. and maybe even, much more than just okay.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True ( October, 2023) Experiencing Love and Joy Instead of Fear and Desire. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95HnLcWDpHA

Becoming the Experiencer of the Experience, the Knower of the Knowing

 ...We are better off becoming the experiencer of the experience, the knower of the knowing.

Michael A. Singer

I Know Nothing

This vehicle I drive around in, this "me" with its body, mind, socially defined roles and drama, was partially built on an image of a "knower".  I spent a great deal of my lifetime becoming a knower in order to redeem myself from a sense of inadequacy. I spent a lot of time "learning" and earning credits, certificates, diplomas and degrees to prove my "knowing" and my right to be called a "knower." I spent a lot of time teaching on a personal and professional level, enhancing myself in the public eye as a knower. I see now how I prided myself on this "image" (and that is all it ever was...a flimsy image) doing whatever I could to polish it and keep it shining, when in truth I never really knew very much at all about anything. I especially didn't know anything about what was really important. I never really experienced knowing. Wow! I see that now.

Flimsy Image

It wasn't until recently that I began to awaken enough to see how flimsy this image was/is. It wasn't until my image as a knower lost its clout "out there" that I  began to go deeper beyond it, to experience and know in a way I never did before. I then began to ask, "Who is experiencing this?"  "Who is the Experiencer of this experience, the Knower of this knowing?"  That is where I am now on my journey- seeking the Experiencer of the experience, and the Knower of the knowing. 

Why am I here?

I have come to see through my practice that the process of knowing and experiencing this life is not for the "little me",who can do neither, but for  the deeper, wiser "I" within. The "me" is often in the way for most of us, drawing the wonderful power of consciousness to it, so we cannot see anything else but it. Our focus on "me" with all its likes and dislikes, with its primary intention of preventing the samskaras from bothering us again, is like a big wall between conscious awareness and true knowing, between absent mindedly going through the motions of Life, and true experience. This wall hides the Experiencer and the Knower from our conscious awareness.

Truly, Deeply...

To truly know and to truly experience, we need to do so from the deepest parts of Who we are, where the Knower and the Experiencer exist.  In order to do that we need to get our consciousness through the wall of "me". This "me" prevents us from seeing all, from opening fully to the Life experience, and from full knowing. This wall is like a selectively permeable membrane letting only somethings in and some things out. This wall is programmed to resist reality when it is uncomfortable and to pull in reality when it is comfortable. Of course, this greatly limits our experience, limits our ability to truly know as the Experiencer and the Knower. 

I fear this is starting to sound like one of those, How much wood can a woodchuck chuck tongue twisters :)  I am just trying to reinforce that we have to see through the "me" to what is real. When we truly see, we will truly experience and know.

Resistance Stunts Our Growth

This wall of "me" is built on resistance to what is. When we resist any of  what unfolds in front of us, Singer reminds us, we do not experience Life as it is.  If we do not experience Life as it is, we do not grow and evolve like we are here to do. Resistance stunts our growth.

Dealing with Reality as the Knower and the Experiencer

Our growing  is not about what we think should be happening "out there" but what is really happening.  It is not about living in our heads on this superficial plane of existence but about going deeper and truly experiencing Life as it is happening. It is not about the images we create of self,  about impressing others with what we do or say we know, it is about seeing the flimsy unreality of that image and getting to truly know who we are .   It is not about resisting anything because it may be uncomfortable, but opening up to, allowing it in and honoring everything so we can truly know and experience Life as the Knower and the Experiencer of it.

Hmm! Well that is all I have to say. 

All is well!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 12) Spirituality is the Ability to Handle Reality

Remembering the Center

 At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

Lao Tzu 

Went to a wake last night. Though it was so nice to see those I loved, even under such circumstances, I was a bit awkward and overwhelmed. I watched as this person, I and others have spent this lifetime thinking I was, reacted and behaved as it maneuvered this social situation. . 

I see just how flimsy, rusty, banged up and outwardly imperfect this vessel of body and mind is when I am in a crowd of people...(many other vessels of all makes and models). What is left of my personality, this esteem, this collection of learned experiences or psyche, in those situations, is flapping around like loose bumpers and exhaust pipes making all kinds of noise.  I watch as this vessel says and does things with its unconscious need to protect itself from the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts inside. Why is there this insatiable need to protect and defend? Because in its ever changing, unquenchable and vulnerable nature it /"me" is afraid. It knows how close it is to blowing away with the wind. 

This vessel I drive around in, just as yours might have been, has been through a lot even before it came out of the factory.  It had a certain inherited brokenness  to it, simply because of the serial number it was assigned. It was meant to move a certain way with a specially programmed set of strengths and limitations. It was also assigned a particular map of  life situations to drive through that would prove a little more than uncomfortable. So,  over the years it travelled down many paths, some paths beyond its control, and others it made choices to travel on. It was forced over some  rough terrain and  it was graced with some smooth. But all along it was picking up dust and dirt ( karma), getting damaged, reacting to damage and then adding its own form of damage to the world.  It contended with the weather...with the poor driving of other vehicles...with all the bumps, potholes, and obstacles that made travelling so challenging. It collected a lot of dings and scratches and in its attempt to cover those scars up, to prevent further rust damage through exposure,  it hid itself under layers of heavy paint, duck tape, and other DIY repairs. It amateurishly stuffed so much of its reaction to life inside. This messy brokenness, that it stuffed just so it could keep going,  never had a chance to be expressed and released. It built up to the point it was always oozing out of the cracks of a self-created defense. It then got projected it everywhere.

I spent much of my life polishing and fixing up this vessel...thinking it was who I was...trying to get it to look a certain way, behave a certain way so it became  something that  stood out on occasion or at least blended in. The outward appearance and function of this vessel was so important to "me" because I thought it was important to others.  How it looked and performed in front of the determining eyes of others  was everything ...even more important than what experience the "I" within was having. To be honest, so caught up was I on the outer, I wasn't even aware of the "I" within.  

Many of those others I meet up with in crowds knew "me" by my paint jobs and outward repairs, not by the mess. Some  knew "me" only by the mess. Few, if any of them, knew me by the driver. Regardless, all outer layers are falling or peeling off now. I imagine I presently look like an old bomb ready for the scrap yard. I look around at these others in the crowd and see how  shiny and well kept up their exteriors are, while my vessel of mind and body, that I call "me" and others call "you" or  her,"  with all its history, all its memories, its trauma induced thoughts and feelings, its unsuccessful self-repairs, and its unfulfilled social expectations... is a mess.  This mess might be showing more than it ever did.  At least, I, who sits behind the wheel, am more aware of it than I ever was.  I am acutely aware of this messy vehicle  I parade awkwardly in front of others. I feel the mess as it sputters and chokes  and it isn't always pleasant.

 The thing is...I do not want to be ashamed of this mess.  I also do not want to continue redeeming myself by cleaning it up, looking for something out there that will make it run smoother or look shinier. I want to embrace this mess, appreciate it, honor it. I want to stop covering it up and hiding it away.   I want whatever was hidden beneath the self-repair to be exposed.  I want to shout out to the world, "This is me!" Why?  Because I see I am not the makeshift fixer uppers, I am not this mess, nor am I this thing I am driving around in.  I am not this "me," it is just something that I am temporarily in. Oh, this vessel serves a purpose.  It is needed so I can get around but it is not who I am.  It is just something I use and am greatly  responsible for creating. What I, or others, think of it is not really important in the long run.  What is important is the driver behind the wheel of this vehicle and the driver behind the wheel of all the other vehicles I encounter. 

When I look at this "me", this vehicle: this aging body, this psyche, personality, story, with all its hurts, fears, hopes, with all its roles and expectations, and with all its mess chugging along, I see I am getting more and more detached from it.  At the same time I appreciate it and honor it for getting me to where I am now.   I will do my best to look after it, but no more paint jobs and superficial cover ups are necessary. There is no more need for shame or redemption, just truth. I want whatever is oozing below the paint to come up, be exposed, so it can be released once and for all. 

This "me," I see so clearly now, is just a temporary thing I am driving around in.  It doesn't define who I am.  Everything it went through in the past, every role it succeeded at, every role it failed at, everything it looks like or  behaves like now is so unimportant in comparison to the the experience the driver is having behind the wheel in this very moment. I want to reconnect with the driver and feel the experience of living without the focus on this rusty old box of bolts in the way :) 

Man...I feel so much relief when I think like that. When I see this thought and feeling machine, this personality, this outward body appearance, as nothing more than the vehicle I am driving in and when I look back at all the circumstances and life events I encountered over the 60 years I was on this planet as simply the road that enfolded before me, I breathe a big sigh. I don't have to own any of it.  I don't have to "do" anything about it.  I don't have o fix it! It is all just as it is, something to take me from here to there, not something I am.  I recognize there is an "I amness" in every vehicle that drives by me or into me.  I still often slip away from the wheel and see myself as the vehicle, getting all tangled up in the mess of "me" and the mess of "others" ...but more and more I am becoming aware of the driver. There is no mess, no shame, no redemption, and so much peace in this driver's seat

Remembering and reconnecting to that center of being is everything!

All is well. . 

Karma Yoga and My Mission in Life

 

Karma yoga is not about being busy. It is not about being in constant doer mode. It is instead, about being involved in the kind of activity that frees you, about performing the kind of action that leads you to your own higher nature, toward your freedom.

Sadhguru, page 111

I just finished with my review and study of Chapter 6 of Sadhguru's book, Karma: A Yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Own Destiny.  I, ironically, do so at a time I find myself questioning what I should be doing to make a living and what I should be doing to serve, in a way that burns off,  rather than  accumulates, more karma.  I guess I am looking for my mission in Life...my karma yoga.

What woke me up, like a glass of cold water in the face, was this statement: 

People are always looking for their mission in life. What they never realize is that this is a way you build your karma! page 120

Yikes! I want to burn off karma not add more.

It is a little disheartening to think that my seeking to determine what it is I "should" do with the rest of my life, how I "should" best serve others, is actually adding karma to my overfilled karma collector, not helping to empty it. I spend so much time questioning "Am I  wasting my time here in my practice, studying what I study, writing what I write, sharing and speaking...when there is no fruit I can see growing from my actions?  Should I do more "out there" to serve the community while I make an income?"

The Outside Job

 I took on this little side job supplying thinking that it would do just that but when I do it, it takes  me away from this thing that I do here everyday, my sadhana, this committed and involved action that offers no obvious benefits. A day of work outside  tires me out so much I cannot practice yoga for days after. And it leads me back to old ego ways of living I thought I left behind. I get caught up in the busy doing. I move faster.  I talk faster (and that says a lot becasue I talk fast!)I am more anxious and reactive.   

I find myself debating whether or not that is a good thing or a bad thing in terms of karma yoga? 

The "out there" job has  many benefits...many fruit.  It keeps me busy, it keeps me productive in the socially approved way.  It feeds my ego a bit by feeding the self-image in me that is associated with classrooms and education. It gives me a much needed income, as well. I receive much  more positive opinion from others for taking on this role, than I do for taking on the role of a yogi.  Let me tell ya!  Much more! I am also much more likely to receive a thumbs up from society for this than I would get for committing full time to my practice, inside.  And a big part of me still craves a bit of social recognition and redemption for the  fall I took from social graces a few years back when I got ill and decided to leave the workforce, leading to a lack of socially expected productivity. Part of me wants to "make up for that". (Obviously, that part is my ego!) And I like action.  I like activity. So this action bears a lot of obvious fruit. I am not sure, though, if the fruit I am picking is healthy for the deeper part of me. 

Healthy Fruit? 

Karma yoga reminds us that action is never a problem. It is the expectation of the fruit of the action that causes the suffering. If you simply enjoy what you do and work at it wholeheartedly, there is no question  of suffering at all. page 122

What I am doing is not a problem. The reasons why I am doing it might be. I mean I give 100 % when I am there and though I do not love it, I do enjoy it. I approach the work whole bodily...if not wholeheartedly. I think, however, that I may be in it more for the fruit than for the joy of performing this action.

If all those benefits were not there, would we still work with the same intensity and involvement? page 121

No...I probably wouldn't. 

Duty?

I feel this sense of social pressure, of duty to be out there earning an income and doing what is socially expected of me. My ego longs to redeem itself in that way. That is partly the volition behind this action,

....there should be no such thing as duty in the world

Serving? 

Am I serving in a meaningful way? Not really.  When I applied for this role last year, there was an obvious need out there.  That need has diminished greatly. The opportunities are quite limited right now. Even when I take a call, I know there are many others out there who are competing for the same spot I may take and some who are even contesting my being there because they feel that I, and others like me, are taking the work from those who deserve it more. I am not needed. Besides: 

Mere service is not karma yoga. Karma yoga has nothing to do with what type of action you perform, but rather how you do it. page 111

How You Do It

How am I doing it?  I think ego is in charge when I am out there and I am not so happy about that.  It is ego and concern about other opinion that runs the show. I keep trying to come through ego and I often succeed but I keep slipping back into ego ways. I am personally involved when I do not want it to be about "me."

Personally Involved?

When Sadhguru gets asked about what his mission in life is he responds with "Nothing. I am just fooling around,"  meaning that he is not personally involved in or attached to any of his actions.  He is actively and whole heartedly involved in what he does but not to the fruits of his actions. It is not so much what he does, but how he does it. I would love to approach everything I do in life in that way. 

Completely Aware? 

I am not aware enough. I am worried about the awareness part...it is so hard to keep everyone I am standing in front of in my head, to get their names straight, let alone be responsible for them.  My awareness has to spread out and it leaves me uncomfortable. I am unable to maintain the  certain presence and awareness that I am comfortable with. 

Abandoning? 

You are willing to just give up everything that you consider to be yourself page, 118

As far as abandonment...I would love nothing more than to leave "me" behind...to abandon it completely but I don't in this role.  It seems to be a role for "me" rather than a role for abandoning "me". 

Desisting?

I don't love this job and for so long I was telling myself that was a good thing. That this little job may help to scrape the rest of "me" off but when I read the below line  I start to think I should not be doing this?

If you have love for something, you do it; if you have no love, it is simply better to desist from action. 113

Wow!  I don't know. It looks like Life might be taking care of this one for me.  There are less calls now that others are contesting, I haven't a vehicle...need to depend on getting on at school close to where D. is going which is not always possible , and I am not sure if my body can keep up with the pace. Hmm!

Now the action will happen by itself; it will also dissolve and melt away by itself.  You do not have to stop working to be liberated from action; it will happen anyway.

The Inside Job

What about this inside job I have been committed to everyday as part of my practice. Does it classify as karma yoga?

If you perform action joyfully and effortlessly, it is karma yoga.  111

Joyfully and Effortlessly? 

 Today, alone, I spent more time studying, learning, assimilating, and writing on this topic than I would have spent on the outside job.  And I gave it a 100 percent of wholehearted effort.  I was joyfully and  completely immersed.  I am always completely immersed in this learning and the teaching comes as an afterthought. It feels so effortless. 

Serving? 

 I am not sure what type of service I am providing.  "I" think taking part in a practice of waking up is the most important thing we can do as human beings...but not many others may  feel that way.  Not many others notice or value what I am trying to do here.  I just want to share what waking up feels like so others can do the same. I see it as a very important service even if others don't. 

Sacrificing? 

Giving up something for something else is commerce; giving up something for nothing is sacrifice. 126

I am not giving up my time for something else...there is no pay here like there is in the other job.  No money is making its way to me.  And though I am aware of the : no work, no food axiom Sadhguru shares in his book, I want to believe this, what I do here is a karma- freeing sacrifice...one that will help dispel karma, though that is not why I do it. 

Attached to Outcome, to Fruits of Action?

Obviously not.  There is no pay, little to no recognition. There is no obvious fruit emerging from these branches. Yet, I still do it.  It is still the most important part of my day. 

As a yagna your very life process is an offering...when your life becomes a yagna, thousands of people can reap its benefits. page 127

Natural?

Only if there is a natural sense of offering can karma be elevating for the doer page 114

This learning, writing, sharing, teaching seems like the most natural offering I could give to anyone even if there are no external reward for me.  My reward is all intrinsic...following my natural compulsion. 

Aware?

I am completely aware and present asI do this here.  In fact, presence and awareness is what I  m studying and writing about. lol

Abandonment?

My whole practice is a committed intention to leave myself behind so yeah I am abandoning while I am here.

After this reflection I think it is pretty obvious which action is one of  karma yoga, which one frees me and honors my higher nature.  It is not that I have to give the other up.  Like I said Life seems to be taking care of that all by itself. I just need to continue to prioritizing my sadhana and do my best to bring the energy of what I do here into all other actions.

Karma has to be worked out, but engaging with action with great involvement and intensity, without caring a hoot for it, is the most effective way to work your karma out. page 126

All is well.

Sadhguru ( 2021) Karma: A yogi's Guide to Crafting Your Destiny. New York: Harmony Books

The Inner Work of Learning Who Is Driving

....If you can free yourself within, you will be free for the rest of your life. That is worth working for. That is the work of a yogi.

Michael A. Singer

I consider myself a pretty committed yogi, I do.  I am seeking to free myself from within. I often use visualizations and analogies to help me understand what that freedom entails. 

Visualizing the Student Driver

 In my trying to explain the "experience" I have when I visualize myself as the student driver in the vehicle I am practicing in, I lost the "experience" of it.  Weird. Trying to conceptualize that which is beyond conceptual explanation can take us from the "experience" of that which we are attempting to explain, and pull us back into the mind. Can't it? 

Anyway, I opened up to this podcast this morning and it was like "Wow!" It brought me back to the "experience" of being the driver ( Objective Observer, Quiet Watcher, Detached Witness, Soul etc. ). I also noticed that weird serendipity again when Michael Singer spent some time talking about the "Who is aware?" (I just posted a guided meditation on that). Of course, I have been somewhat of a student of his for years now...I am absorbing his teachings and it just might be coming out of me, as mine. But still I think it is cool how much we think alike in the same time frames.  

So back to the Student Driver on the practice course of Life:

What I experience, then, when I see myself as the quiet, forever calm and peaceful driver behind the wheel of this form vehicle (body, mind, energies, names, labels, roles, desires, aversions, reactions, life situations, successes, failures,  karma etc) is a wonderful detachment from this identity of 'little me' living this Life. I am in the process of realizing that I am the driver of this experience, (even though this Being drives on cruise control, with or without my awareness). The "student" part of this comes with the relearning of this Truth. I am in the  process of eliminating the veil that exists between what I think I am, and what I am.  The student graduates when they see they are the driver and not the form they are driving. 

The Veil Between What We Think We Are and What We Are

As a student, advancing in my learning, the veil has thinned out quite a bit. I can now,  for the most part, though I still often slip into blind spots and bad driving habits, observe the paths on this course and see that they are all there for my learning. They are neither bad or good, wrong or right, shouldn't be or should be...they are just what they are and I can learn from all of it.  I am becoming more and more willing to open up to the paths that unfold in front of me and  travel  down them with less and less resistance. I am even, at times, saying "Bring it on!" when I find myself on some dark foreboding road...paths I would have driven 100 miles around before to avoid. As terrified as I still am at times, I am willing to do this course so I can learn.  I want to learn and grow. That goal has become more important to me than listening to my fear.

Just Form

Even more cool, is that I can, from behind the wheel, observe the vehicle I have been given, with all its imperfections and strengths.  I see its neurotic tendencies  and what I, as "little me" have done to this form with my unconscious and unskillful driving. I can see how  the way I have driven in the past over the paths that were laid out before me, has bumped up my fenders, scratched up the paint and has effected my energies. I see the tendencies to want to protect some of these energies and  to avoid experiencing more, that still exist within me. I see how challenging it is many times to simply be in this form, let alone to drive it.  Yet, there is so much less judgement of it. So much less attachment to it.  I no longer see the need to shame it or redeem it.  It has so little importance on my mission. When I can say, "This is just a form...partly what I was given and partly what I created," ...it frees me so much to get through the veil and realize who I am and who I am not.

Not the Vehicle; the One Behind the Wheel

Though I may not yet confidently identify as a mature and skilled driver, I know I am not this form it is driving!  I am the One behind the wheel observing it. This body with all its rust, noisy exhaust system, and cracked windshield,(as hard as it may be to look at or be in sometimes)...is not who I am.  I am the One behind the wheel observing it. This mind ...with all its conflicting and nonstop thinking, its crazy emotions, beliefs, stories and ideas is not who I am either. I am the One behind the wheel watching all this mind stuff. These ever changing and emerging energies that are stuck inside this vehicle from all my past driving experiences ( my karma) is not who I am either. I am the one behind the wheel witnessing these energies emerge.  This course I am driving through, with all its unpredictable nature, its smooth paths and its rough ones, its bumps, potholes and obstacles has so little to do with "me".  I am simply one soul behind one of the 8 billion wheels out there  that gets to observes it all, watch it all, witness it all and experience it all.   

We Are All Learning

What this realization does for me is amazing.  If I can see myself as a student driver, I am less likely to beat myself up for being anxious and afraid or to resist when those energies arise.  I see the fear as a part of the vehicle not the driver...as part of the form, not the formless.  I don't try to stop the fear from emerging, I don't try to fix the path "out there"so I feel better "in here" ...I buckle up, sit behind the wheel and I watch it all go down.  I just watch it.  When I screw up and do something unconsciously, falling away from my mission...I don't get all tangled up in guilt and shame as mind so wants me to do...I look at it as the tendency of this form I am in, a need for more learning and practice, and I detach by slipping behind the wheel once again to witness and observe. When others drive noisily past me or into me, I do not react as I used to.  I see them too as students ...some much more advanced than my form, some much less, but regardless I see them all as students learning just like I am learning.  Even if I cannot see them clearly, I know there are student drivers somewhere inside those vehicles they are driving. I am caring less and less about what those vehicles look like, how they sound, what they do as I remember that within each form is a Soul on a mission to learn and evolve. I care less and less about how my form appears to them, and find comfort in knowing their form may not know I am in here but their driver does.  Every time I do this...look  inwardly and outwardly from behind the wheel, I am progressing as a "student" and becoming more and more the graduate driver of this experience of living. 

I just think that is so cool! Life isn't so scary when I approach living like that.  It isn't so complicated.  It isn't about "me"  so I am no longer feeling pressured to do anything about it.  I can just let it all be as I continue to learn, "I am not this form and all its dramas, I am the one behind the wheel of it."  

And there is nothing but peace in this driver seat.  Nothing that has to be fixed, or controlled here ...nothing that has to be done.  I can just lean back, slip into cruise control, and enjoy the drive.

All is well

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 9, 2023) Your Inner Work. https://tou.org/talks/

Thankful for Being a Student Driver

 I take to the open road, heathy, free, the world before me. 

Walt Whitman

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Today  is a day set aside for the purpose  of giving thanks, in my part of the world. And there is so much to be thankful for.  I used to write lists in the hundreds but I learned, through a course I took to become a "Positive Psychology Practitioner"(still not sure what that even is lol), that it is best to think of no more than three things at a time when we are pondering what we are grateful for. We need to truly reflect upon and savour each thing on our gratitude list. Hmm! And no, I am not going to share my entire trio right now.  I need to think long and hard about what I would prioritize. There is one thing I am grateful for, though, from my list of 100 things and that is this analogy that popped into my head a few days ago that allows me to view Life in a whole new and freeing way. 

The Student Driver Behind the Wheel of Form

If I see myself as the student driver of the noisy vessel or vehicle I am in, the vessel or vehicle  that is making  all the drama, having all the so called problems; the vessel that is always busy doing, thinking, feeling, judging, labelling,grievance collecting, grasping, clinging and pushing away; the vehicle that is either "bothered" or overly infatuated with the physical world; and the vessel that is accumulating all the karma ...rather than the vessel...it is so freeing.  When I do not see myself as  the form that is moving around mindlessly on this planet, rusting and falling apart, making a mess of things, I am not so attached to what happens to this form or the outcomes of this forms' actions, I am not overly concerned with the mess it is making. 

When I see myself as  the one behind the wheel, I detach  from any identification with this thing I am temporarily in. The drama does not seem that important. Sure, I know it is my job to take care of it, to steer it in the right direction, and that if I don't, I may reap what it sows but I also know I am not here as an experienced Nascar driver. I am just a student.  I do not have to expect perfection of myself. My entire Life is a driving  practice. Each road I take is just a part of this learning practice.  I do not need to expect perfection of myself or any of the other 8 billion student drivers out there. . . 

It is all about the learning and settling into the driver's seat as our reality.

This vehicle is just  the form I am in. The form includes the body, of course, the mind and all the mind stuff ( thoughts, feelings, beliefs etc.) , the personality, the roles I play ( job, family and social roles), what I own in the material world etc.  This form is just what I am in. It is what I have been given to use for the learning process. It isn't who I am.  It doesn't matter what make or model it is...doesn't matter what it has in it for an engine.  It doesn't matter what year it is or how it performs on these paths.  It doesn't matter what happens to it. What matters is that I drive the best I can with what I am given  and that I keep improving. 

How many of us actually see ourselves as the one behind the wheel and get to truly experience the feeling of the steering wheel in our spiritual hands?  Not many. Many of us, instead,  believe we are the vessel or vehicle we are in. Somewhere, along the line, most of us forget that we are the driver that is  supposed to be driving. 

Auto Drive

We have shifted our physical, mental and energetic bodies  into auto drive and have fallen asleep behind the wheel.  We allow the vessels and vehicles of form to drive themselves up and down these paths that are unfolding in front of us. These forms, without the awareness of the wise driver within, are driving blindly and without a well centered steering wheel to guide with. They steer us all over the place, into and over things, creating chaos, drama and destruction. Why?  Because we have become so attached to our identity as them, we forgot  we are and were the drivers behind the wheel. We are  not that which we are in and are not here to serve  this vehicle. It is here to serve us.  It shouldn't be driving us around...we should be driving it.  As long as we are unconsciously allowing body, mind, thoughts and feelings  and our reactivity to Life to do the driving...we will not pass many road tests, let me tell ya.  And we will have to keep repeating the practice and the testing again and again and again. 

Life is Just a Practice Course

When I  see this playing field we call Life as just a practice course for student drivers, I feel an easing of guilt, shame and blame. I know mistakes are expected.  What happens out there seems to lose its importance, in anyway except for its learning potential. I don't have to take it all so seriously.  I can even have a little fun with it.   If I do good and get a high score in one area...great.  If I make a lot of mistakes and screw up royally in other areas, even better. I am here for the learning. 

Karma

Sure, mistakes will have consequences.  The instructors Life hires and calls Karma, may flunk us, reprimand us, and even increase the intensity of our practice field but they are not doing that to punish us.  They are doing what they do to help us learn what we are here to learn. We will make mistakes; we will get off course; we will do damage to our vehicles and the vehicles of others.  That is a given. We will  keep  hurting our form and  the form of others until we are able to  master the course. 

I have always had this tremendous fear of hurting others in their forms.  When I think of Life like this, however, I am relieved to know I cannot really hurt others...nor can I be hurt by them.  We can bang up each other's vehicles like two opponents on a demolition derby track, creating all kinds of karma...effects for our causes...but the driver ...who we really are...does not get hurt. It is only the form that gets hurt, disturbed, uncomfortable. The form is so inconsequential, and the driver is beyond harm. 

Sometimes those high impact collisions help us to wake up and remember that we are the ones behind the  wheel. When we realize this, we  can get out of autodrive and drive away, undisturbed by any of it.

The Goal of Practice 

That is this goal of this learning field Life provides, isn't it? : To wake up and  remember who we really are, and then to gently  take control of the wheel again, to drive our Selfs up and over any road we are asked to drive on, without being attached to or disturbed by any of it. Our goal is to get to the point where we experience the ride fully and openly, and are able to enjoy all of it, as Soul not form.

All is well. 

"Who Is Aware?"

 The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.

Lao Tzu

Offering a guided meditation that will hopefully help get you to experience the deeper Self for a few minutes out of your busy day.

All is well

Recognizing the Student Driver Within the Vehicle

 It is not about what you are doing ...it is about why you are doing it.

Michael A. Singer

Once again, it was like Michael A. Singer was reading my mind when I was pondering, "What do I do here...how do I serve ...what changes do I make out there, so it feels better in here?", and he came up with the answer I needed in the below linked podcast,   The answer: It is not about what we do people.  It is about why we are doing it. 

There I was, (like many of you might also be doing) trying to understand Karma and going to my twisted up mind to ask , "Okay what do I "do" with this life so that I am not accumulating more of this "awful" karma, so that I am serving in the way I am supposed to, and so I can fulfill God's Will for me?" And, with breath held, I was waiting for an answer. 

The Mind Can't Answer that Question

Duh?  What was I doing? Mind cannot give me an answer. First, it is broken and neurotic, not to mention, responsible for getting me into this mess in the first place. Whatever advice it gives me, cannot be trusted to serve my higher Self.  And second, it is only in the way. The mind is what stands between you and God. We can't go to this mind,then, for these types of answers. 

So, What Do We Do?

We must remember who we are and why we are here. We are souls and we are here to learn. 

Who We Are and What We Are Here to Do

I find so much peace in remembering that earth is a place where souls come to evolve. I find great comfort in imagining that this student soul within me, (like all the other 8 billion student souls on Earth)  has put itself into  a particular body with its attached genetics and collective unconscious (stored memories from its ancestry);into a particular life situation like the one I was born into with all its possibilities and limitations; into the traits and potentials that lead to a specific personality; and into a karmic  potential that it is responsible for, exactly when it did, for the purpose of learning, growing and evolving. When I see my Self (as soul) driving around in this vechicle of body, mind, personality, and Karma over all the possible paths this earth school provides, seeing all the others around me doing the same...it is like "Wow! Isn't this cool?" 

The Student Driver's Mission

I lose my attachment to vehicle, circumstances and all the drama going on out there when I remember that the driver...the soul inside...is on a mission. Everything else is not that important. 

Though the karmic results we all experience differ from vehicle to vehicle, path to path...everybody is doing the same thing I am doing: just figuring their way around. Sure, the vessels all seem to differ in appearance, strength, character etc. as they  go along their merry, or not so merry, ways bumping into things or running over things, hurting others or  helping others, choosing the apparent "wrong path"  or the apparent "right path", making  mistakes or getting it right, and succeeding or failing ...but the student soul, driving of these vehicles, is the same. It pays no attention to things like failure or success.  It is too busy learning. And each of us, as we drive along, are here to grow and evolve, using what we got, making the most of  the paths we are offered.  We just have to do our best with whatever shows up in front of us, using whatever level of clarity we are at when the lessons or the testing comes our way. Our best is good enough.  We do not need to get A's or make the dean's list...we just need to do our best and learn. We learn best sometimes from our mistakes. 

Mistakes help us to understand what we have to learn...if you did the best that you could ...failure becomes your teacher.

So accept and honor the learning potential in each effort, without the need for a certain outcome, and without the need to defend or shame or blame. 

Don't Try to Fix the Path, Just Take It!

  

Though, the paths and all their offered openings and obstacles may differ for these human forms we inhabit...some so challenging to traverse, others so easy... they all serve a specific learning need for that soul in that vehicle.  We may want the paths (circumstances, life events, other people we encounter  etc.) before us to be a certain way.  We may project a certain expectation on them, but they will never be the way we think they should.  Our wanting and not wanting, our attempting to fix the paths Life throws our way only take us from our learning. We need to accept and honor each path that unfolds before us for all the learning potential it provides. It is never about changing the outside to make our experience here easier. (There is little learning and growing potential in 'easy'.)  It is about realizing that each hard lesson, each challenging path will help us to grow.  That is why we are here! That is why the person next to you is here! 

Don't Get Hung Up on the Vehicle

We must do our best, as well, not to let these vessels get all jammed up with stuff that prevents us from seeing the soul and the valuable learning taking place within us. When we get too identified with being the vessel, we get jammed up with stuff related to our wanting and not wanting. All the experiences we encounter, we must remember, are for the soul inside, not for the vehicle on the outside.  Don't get too hung up on creating appearances for the vehicle.  Remember who is driving. The vehicle and the path are really only tools the Soul uses to grow. Evolving  is an inside game. 

Not About Doing or Not Doing!

The mind, as a part of the vehicle, will tell you to "do". Soul will tell you to "be" . This journey here is a short one.  Don't waste time getting hung up on the doing for the vessel's sake. It is not about doing or not doing...it is about being completely open and doing the best you can with whatever unfolds in front of you. It is about growing through whatever is unfolding in front of you.

Renewed Commitment

So, when things get tough, when the path before me seems jammed with obstacles, I am going to visualize my Self, as Soul, driving around in this vehicle of body, mind, accumulated memory and personality that I am greatly responsible for creating. I am going to remind myself that I am not the vehicle.  I am the one in it.  When I look at others doing their thing, I am going to remind myself: They are not the vehicles I see, they are the souls driving them (even if they do not know they are). When the path that unfolds before me gets tough, as paths are sure to do, I am going to be open and grateful to the learning potential each challenge brings to this soul.  When karmic consequence makes big red Cs Ds and even Fs on my test results, instead of crying out to the world with "Oh Why...why are you picking on me?", as I tend to do. I am going to thank Karma and say, "Great! I have more learning to do, more growing. Bring it on!" 

And when I catch this vehicle reciting its never ending mantra of "Give me! Give me! Give me!", I will remind myself, once again, that I am not the vehicle, but the soul within that is driving. I will tune out the outside noise, and tune into the inside mantra instead, that goes a little like this: 

"I am here to grow...I am here to serve...I am not here to take...I am here to give....Let me grow, let me grow.  I am here to grow." 

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 6, 2023) The Highest Path: Doing Your Best. https://tou.org/talks/

Just Getting it Down

 

Just get it down on paper, and then we will see what to do with it.

Maxwell Perkins

I am not sure what to write about today.  I am feeling a mixture of so many things. 

Anyway, I am getting more and more embarrassed as I read through entries that were recently read by others, and notice the number of typos, spelling and grammatical errors...more typos than anything.  I write so fast when I write here, and the words and thoughts are coming out faster than my fingers can keep up. I am not sure I could slow down if I wanted to. It is a free flow of whatever is inside, that comes out  for cathartic reasons. I do not want to interrupt the flow. I also want this to be a very authentic experience for me and others, like we just ran into each other in the street, you know? That is why I publish the first draft with little to no editing. I probs should spend more time, however,  post processing with Grammarly or something.  I don't know.  I suppose these typos are making me, as a writer,  look less credible to others.  If that is important to anything but my ego, I am not sure. Mind says: clean up the mess on these pages,  and Heart says: as long as the meaning is clear, that is all that matters. I think I will listen to Heart because I don't know if I want or have the energy for any more work! 

What do I want from this: to create an illusion of me as a perfect writer or to simply give some of my learning away? It is the giving away part that is important to me....that leads me here, not the image I create.  Still...I can be more careful, can't I, so it looks a little better to the reader.  Like tidying the house up a bit before company comes over, I don't want my guests to be uncomfortable as they are hit with the mess of my typos etc. I want them to be able to focus on the message and not the mess, you know?  

So, dear readers, I will try to clean up a bit before you come over but please know how much I hate housework lol.  It will never be perfectly neat and tidy, k?.

All is well. 

Hey Mind! You're Fired

 You must be willing to sit comfortably with the anguish of your heart.

Michael A. Singer 

I was up most of the night ...somewhat anxious, with the mind whirling around. It always surprises me when I slip back to that level where I am resisting the  anguish of the heart.  And that is all anxiety is, isn't it? Anxiety is our resisting sitting with the heart when it is uncomfortable.  We go to this mind that we overloaded with our demands and which is now neurotic AF, and ask it to make it all better.   The mind is just doing its job when it is whirling around like mine was last night, with all its what ifs and how are we going to prepare for that or fix that etc. It was just doing the job I asked it to do.  Why would I ask it to do that? So I wouldn't have to deal with the "what is" of reality or an aching heart. It is just an aching heart. It is what is. And even if I wanted it to, the mind can't fix it. 

We need to just let our hearts ache a bit for whatever reason they are aching...to be afraid, angry, sas,  or upset. We then have to say to the mind, "Okay , Mind. Thanks for trying but it is time for you to find employment elsewhere. I have to let this be what it is."  This will not only alleviate mind of any extra burden, it will allow us to fall back into what is really important. We have to be able to sit in whatever state the heart is in. 

When you don't have to tend to your heart you fall back to the Self...into consciousness and being.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Sounds True (October, 2023) Releasing the Burden of Worry (S3, E) 4). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIrdxQMVtRY

My Dharma

 The higher nature in man always seeks for something that transcends itself and yet it is the deepest truth; which claims all its sacrifices, yet makes this sacrifice its own recompense. This is man's dharma, man's religion, and man's self is the vessel.

Rabindranath Tagore

Bots are gone. Numbers are down to a much more realistic amount. It is all good. Sitting here at one pm., after just getting my grandson down for a nap, wondering what to do with this hour or so I have to myself.  Actually, I am still wondering what to do with what is left of my life time. lol (See previous entry).

Sigh!

Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing to fulfill my dharma?

I have been asking that question for so long now.  It is time to just stop, be still, and listen for an answer.  I am not sure in what type of voice the question will be  answered.  Will it be a clear, internal knowing that will come to me in a meditation?  Will it be in a dream? Will it come with a change of circumstances perpetuated by some force outside /inside me ( karma) that I will have no choice but to deal with? I don't know how I will know, I am just trusting that I will know what has to be done, other than this, if anything, when the time for action comes. For now, I can't memorize my lines from some script so I can prepare  enough to ensure I  play out the part perfectly when I am cued to come onto a different  stage, if I am called upon at all.  I will just have to be willing to wing it...without any costumes or make up or practice to hide behind if I am asked to play any role other than this one. Hmm! I am not even sure what kind of role it will be...if any.  Will it be a lead or co-starring role.  Will it be a minor part or maybe just an "extra's" part I will be called to play.  Will it be villain or heroine? Does it really matter?

How will I know I am playing the right part, doing what I am supposed to be doing, burning off this karma in the right way?  Will I suddenly feel the support of a current taking me some place , instead of feeling like I am fighting against it, like I so often do now?  Will things get easier 'out there"? Will it just feel right?  I don't know.

Maybe I am already doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing...even though I feel so "unproductive"in this role, even though it is role I never seen myself playing: "retiree committed to pursuing a sadhana practice while she  struggles to make ends meat and finds the only time she is productively peaceful  is when she is writing, sharing, teaching in some way!"? 

Everyday I have the compulsion...and it is a strong compulsion...to come here.  I spend a good portion of my morning here.  I just follow the pull and put down, create, share whatever is asking to come out and it feels so right in so many ways. Even though what I offer is so imperfect? (I have been noticing the many errors and typos on these pages for example---writing and thinking too fast...not making a thoughtful offering). I haven't a clue if this is fulfilling even a smidgeon of my higher self or my dharma.  I don't know if I am doing what I was meant to be doing, if I am serving in a meaningful way, if I am burning off any karma, or if I am just wasting valuable time. I Don't Know!  

There is no feedback what so ever  The universe is not giving me any signs about whether or not this is a valuable use of my earthly time, if I am doing any "good". I know practically I  need to be out there making money somehow...I am quickly going under in that area of "my life". I  barely make  a cent off of anything I do that seems to be pulling me heart wise: this blog, my poetry, my other writing, my years and years of studying, Yet, this, whatever it is I am "doing" here, is the most important part of my day.  It pulls me to it and I go. I offer what I offer to God only knows who in this very imperfect way I do ( I really need to slow down the writing , thinking process a bit lol). 

It is absolutely crazy but I am going to keep doing it until the Universe tells me otherwise.

All is wise. 

Listening to Your Heart; Hearing Your Dharma

...Listen to your heart, you will know what is good for you. 

Ram Dass

"Why am I here and what am I supposed to be doing with this incarnation", is probably the biggest existential questions out there next to "Who am I?" I know it is something I am always pondering, especially recently.  How do we know what our "dharma" is? 

I can try to answer that question by taking what I learned so far and regurgitating back to you what felt good in my heart. :) Being that I just listened to this talk from Ram Dass today, I will be echoing a lot of what I heard...the parts that made sense that is, those gems of wisdom that resonated within me, as most of it did. 

Who we are not...

I think the first part to answering that question is to attempt to explain  who we are,  or more importantly, who we are not.  We are conditioned to believe, as Dass and others including  A Course in Miracles teaches,  we are these seperate little "packages" of body, mind and personality randomly plopped here or there for a finite number of years. These packages, we come to believe, are things we need to defend and protect at all costs from all the other separate packages out there.  Sometimes we even need to attack.  We defend and attack through our judgment faculties and  interpretations of our perceptions, which  are created based on our memories and stored samskaras.  We spend our lives deciding what is "good, bad, should be", as  we open up enough to pull all the wanted into our experience, clinging to "that stuff"  with all our might.  We also spend our finite time here deciding what is "bad, wrong, and shouldn't be" ...closing down, resisting and doing everything we can to push that stuff away.  Of course, pushing away means stuffing down and that stuff gets stored within us, coloring our perceptions, triggering our reactions to life as it is constantly being pulled back up by life events. We create the psyches, the personality, the "me" we think we are when we do this.

As this package of "me"  we then  assume roles that we believe will enhance this me. We look about at the other packages in their roles and we judge and decide if they are good or bad, right or wrong based on these outward packages and what they are "doing" or "not doing". We mistakenly believe this is who we are and who the other is.  We mistakenly believe our dharma  is to find a life-job for this superficial little entity.

Dass reminds us that the idea we have of  me is not who we are. It is just the outer packaging.  What we see in the other is often not who they are...just the outer packaging.  Our dharma then, is not about what this outer package does or doesn't do.  It is what the being inside is and what it wants this package to do while here, in its service. Hmm!

Look behind the mask and make contact with that being and not demand they be anything but what they are

Get Quiet Enough to Hear

Next , in order to understand our dharma is...what we should or could be doing in the service of  God and the universe while here, we need to get quiet; we need to become still; we need to detach ourselves a bit from the drama "me" is playing in and listen with our whole heart as to what part of the dance we are meant to be taking part in.

 ...follow your natural course but stay quiet enough to hear what that is... 

...when you quiet down you will  hear your dharma...what your part is to play

....there is no single form...the game is to be what you need to be...follow your natural course but stay quiet enough to hear what that is...don't "head trip your way through"

Choose a Practice that Works Best for You

How do we quiet down? Well that, of course, is our personal sadhana, our practice.  The means of quieting down are many. And though the paths are plenty, you have to decide which one feels right for you.  What helps you to quiet down the most?  Maybe you need a sangha, a congregation, a group... or maybe you are like me and quiet down  better in solitude and aloneness? Maybe you quiet down in church or in the woods, with prayer or with some form of activity? Experiment with different philosophies and techniques. I practice yoga, I meditate, I try to surround myself with nature but there is something that instantly touches  me and seems to bring me directly to peace when I listen to Buddhist masters like Thich Nhat Hanh teach. I am still working on quieting down and listening. 

Stay Behind, Do Not Get Lost in the Forefront

Remember to detach a bit from the going ons of the physical world and to stay behind the package with  all its entanglements and compulsions.  It can so easily pull us away from the true Self into the melodramas of the false self if we do not stay aware. We have to play the game but we do it from behind the scene.

The game only gets harmonious when, though we play the game fully, we are sitting behind it, ever present, with no attachment...total involvement with no attachment.

We also have to detach from outcomes

Even if our role is to be a Boddhisattva...to do whatever we can to end suffering, we need to realize that suffering will not end. Suffering serves a purpose. Our dharma, then,  is to do whatever we can to end suffering without being attached to whether or not suffering ends.

All Parts Serve a Purpose.

We need to also detach from our judgements of  these packages of self or other as good or evil.  Someone on the surface, who seems so self or other destructive , playing out some heavy karma and possibly even harming others...is still playing a valuable part.  We need both the bodhisattvas and those who are taking part in the Shiva aspect of God ( destruction, chaos etc) for the dance to continue, 

Dass talks about a renown Buddhist lama who wore the packaging of an alcoholic sex offender  while he taught the dharma.  Dass explains how he would often look into the eyes of this often judged "inappropriate and evil" dharma teacher, past the mask of his behaviours and addiction, to see the being that we all share. That being was pure and had every right to speak the dharma even though his outward form of  personality and body was a mess. It was the form that was playing out his karma and the  Being, behind the form, that was fulfilling Its dharma.

Look at the 'Awful Mess" and Be Awe-filled

When we have achieved enough space between Self and self...when we observe our experiences from behind the scenes, we will see tremendous suffering around us: many unconscious beings being pulled by the compulsions of their forms, poverty, illness, pain, depression, loneliness and death. We need to remember that it is all part of the dance.

Once there is that little space you become in awe of the total exiguitness of the design of it all...become aware of the "awful ( awe-filled) compassion" of it all

It is the art of a warrior to balance the terror of being a man with the wonder of being a man. Don Juan 

Don't Resist the Suffering. Go Into the Market Place and Burn

It isn't you as the being that suffers.  It is just the outer packaging that will burn away in the fire of suffering and we want it to burn away.  We want the Being beneath the mess we made calling the shots, don't we?

Suffering is grace...telling us we have a secret stash of attachment hidden somewhere.

The process is taking the stuff of daily life and giving space to just  how it is and taking that energy and converting it and working with it...working with your desires, working with your loneliness...depression etc

Stay in Tune With the Philosophy of Richness

The philosophy  of riches says...I am what I am and here it is and here we all are being just what we are and  it is enough..and when we will be something else we will be something else....giving space to your being as it is. 

"How do we fulfill our dharma"... in a nutshell?

Listen to your heart, learn who you are, and be it.

All is well

ACIM

Ram Dass/ Be Here an Now Network (March ? 2023) Ram Dass: Hearing Your Dharma, Hearing Your Part-Here and Now Ep220 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLGI0l_GmFU&t=2s

Exiting the Comfort Zone

 To be outstanding-get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Alrik Koudenburg

Leaving the comfort zone is not something anyone of us "want to" do but it is something we come to realize, at some point, that we need to do.  That doesn't make it easy though. Oh no!  Even when these comfort zones are stifling, restricting, dark and depressing we resist taking that step out, don't we?

How Do We Get Out of These Ruts? 

Someone approached me yesterday with a question.  "How do I  get out of this rut I am in?" She was in tears.  She had recently left her job for a stress leave that turned into an "I can't go back".  She hid in the comfort of her room for months, in an attempt to escape from the stress she felt the job and the demands of the 'real world'  were causing her.  Now her sick note has run out and therefore so has her income.  In order to extend her benefits, she needs another sick note.  ( And she is deserving of a note. She is sick...sick with shame for being  mentally and emotionally  unwell). She is overwhelmed with sloth and torpor...or what is known in Hindu traditions as an imbalance  of Gunas and a leaning toward the Tamas, "a state of  darkness, inertia, inactivity, and materiality".  In western terms, it is called depression. 

Stuck in Tamas

She says she feels  so stuck, so 'overwhelmed' she cannot even make the call to reach out to a health care provider for a note. Even with kind, supportive guidance and direction from others, she seems unable to help herself get out of this mess...to take any steps forward. She has not been able to keep her surroundings intact and liveable, either,  because of her condition, and she says that looking at it just adds to her stress and her sense of shame and overwhelm...thus triggering her need to escape what she has created for herself in her comfort zone. Yet, she also says, everything requires too much effort for her to even try. So, instead of getting out physically...she is resorting to getting out mentally by numbing as much as she can with sleep, substances and food. She is hiding from reality in this comfort zone/dungeon she created. It is hard for her to get out so she resists even trying.

Hmm! As I pondered her situation and my limited ability to help, I felt overwhelmed.. (This requires professional intervention!). I did, however,  help her to consider and  write down a few tiny steps she could take forward, encouraged her to come out for a nice walk in the woods with me, to spend some time around the horses[ horses are magical in their ability to soothe people in need], and I cleaned her room for her. I will make some of the initial calls but, of course, as an adult, she will have to do the rest.) 

Easier to Observe It in Another.

Oh man...I can see so clearly, as I watch and listen, what she is doing to herself...what her habit mind is doing and how she is listening and believing it when it is telling her, "I can't handle this! Stay here and hide! " I see her standing there, holding the key for her own prison door and I just want to shout, "Just Use  It Already!!!" but all she hears is, "I can't handle this! I can't handle this!! I can't handle this!!"

 I know she has to unlock and push the door of resistance open, so she can get out,  let go and be free. I know she can do it, even if she doesn't think she can. She is not stuck in her suffering, none of us are, she just thinks she is. I want her free, more than I want myself free.  Hmm! But alas...her journey is not mine to control.

We Are All A Little [or alot] Stuck

Besides, it would be hypocritical for me to try.  You see, as I look at myself, I see that I too am in a comfort zone of my own making...one I am not fond of, at all. There is an imbalance in my gunas, as well.  I am fluctuating between the lazy, stuckness of Tamas and the overconcern about outcomes of Rajas. I need a little Sattva ( the harmony and balance between the two) in my life. I am pretty darn stuck! I need to unlock my own prison door before I can tell someone else to unlock theirs.

I see as Life unfolds, that it is painting these  subtle little arrows  on the ground before me...pointing the direction out, but so addicted to this awful thing I created, am I, I resist placing my feet down on these arrows.  I really do not like this comfort zone I made.  I am overwhelmed with stress, barely clean my own space, broke as sh*&, and feeling  more than a little unwell at all levels.  I go from saying,  "Man I got to do whatever I can to get out of this financial, and physical mess in any way I can", as I  seek all  possible means to outcomes of financial relief  only to , when a job presents itself to me, like it did  this morning, yelp "Yikes!"  I  pull back farther into my comfort zone. It is crazy!

Familiar

It is kind of crazy, isn't it, that habit mind will do whatever it can to keep us in the familiar, even if the familiar sucks? lol 

Why are we stuck in the familiar?  Habit mind desires.  That is a given. It has a programmed tendency to want or not want based on our samskaras, our stored emotionally wrapped memory impressions.  These comfort zones are built on "This is good. It was good to you in the past.  It will keep you safe and comfortable, so let that in!" and "This is bad. It hurt you in the past.  It will make you uncomfortable, don't let it in and by no means go out after it!" Sigh. Mind is actually trying to do us a favour with our wanting.  It is trying to protect us. Mind means well but we have to eventually see how it is really leading us astray! 

Opening and Letting Go

As Michael Singer teaches in the below podcast, Spirituality is not about getting what you want [ in this case-comfort and a place to hide from reality]...it is about letting go. If we want to be free, we need to be willing to step out of comfort to embrace the uncomfortable. We do not have to just open our prison doors, we have to eventually tear down all the walls.  We need to stand there open and exposed, relax as Life comes in and then blow through.  It doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is...we need to remind ourselves "I can handle this!" If that affirmation is too much of a stretch, as it might be for someone with depression,  we can instead say, "I might not be able to  handle it right now but there will come a time when I can handle anything.  I'm working on it! So watch out."

Being, at least, willing to consider leaving the comfort zone is a positive step forward...leading to the willingness to open, relax and release. It doesn't mean it is always going to be comfortable outside those walls we built, but sometimes comfort is over rated. Discomfort is worth its weight in gold if it takes us forward. It is meant to take us forward.  If we can open up to discomfort, we can open up to Life and to the amazing flow of Shakti with in us all.

The next time Life paints arrows in front of you that lead to the way out of your comfort zone...follow them!

All is well! . 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 3, 2023) How to Practice being Okay Inside. https://tou.org/talks/

Yoga Basics (n.d.) The Three Gunas. https://www.yogabasics.com/learn/the-3-gunas-of-nature/

Suffering and the Peace Beyond It

Letting Go,

Hearing the bell,

I am able to let go of all afflictions.

My heart is calm,

my sorrows ended.

I am no longer bound to anything.

I learn to listen to my suffering,

and the suffering of the other person.

When understanding is born in me,

compassion is also born.

Thich Nhat Hanh, page 126

I was led to this Gatha today,  in around about  but very synchronistic way. Somehow the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh was meant to touch me (and I use "me" loosely). His teaching came up in an indirect way through an Eckhart Tolle video and  directly through  an audio book that ended up on my screen. It came to my awareness upon the reading of post entries read by others yesterday that I was reviewing this morning. And it came to me through his book that I have not seen for months but that is now, serendipitously, beside me at this table. 

Upon hearing and seeing his words, like some bell opening my senses,  I was automatically soothed of the inflictions and sorrows that were agitating this body and mind I call  "me" since the early hours of the morning, keeping me awake. I awoke with this incredible sense of helplessness in my ability to ease or stop the suffering of others and myself. I was questioning if I should continue to find ways to "escape" these inflictions or if I should just let go and fall completely into them. I was telling myself, "Just get up and do whatever is placed in front of you to do, regardless of the suffering in you and around you, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, as a person, feel." 

It was sound and wise advice but I doubted if I was evolved enough to do that. My mind was still looking for ways to escape and I was following it.

These words from Hanh came to me in the arms of grace, you might say.  I needed to hear how this journey  is not about escaping suffering but about using compassion and understanding to transmute it.  We create compost with our emotions ...all emotions...even the difficult ones...and this compost grows flowers. Without suffering, we would not have the compost of understanding, and without understanding, we would not grow flowers of compassion and peace. Hmm!

As it turns out, one of the little things I was blaming as being a cause of my agitation was taken from "me" without any interventions, and something else that I was deeming as a possible "escape place" should I need it, suddenly became available. Go figure.

Paraphrased and relatable gems of wisdom from Eckhart Tolle:

Take one step at a time...make each step of the journey more important than the destination

the most important spiritual practice is to bring together the stillness and the doing

every challenge is an opportunity to intensify your practice

Renounce your thinking, your need to know for the peace that passes all understanding

And from Thich Nhat Hanh's Audio Book:

• All emotion is organic and deserving of our understanding and compassion
• The Kingdom of God/ Pureland exists but it is not a place without suffering...
• We must get deeply in touch with suffering in order to be healed, in order to be free
• There is no path to the cessation of suffering without suffering
• Hell is a place where there is no understanding and no compassion. With compassion, Hell ceases to be Hell
• Our practice consists of generating understanding and compassion and using them to transform hell into peace
• Kingdom of God is in your heart and in every cell of your body...

 

Our practice is not about escaping or ending suffering.  It is about finding that peace that exists beyond it. It is not about conceptually knowing but about letting go and trusting that the more we nurture what is inside and outside of us with awareness, non violence and nonduality, every challenging emotional experience we encounter will lead to the growth of amazing things...compassion and peace being just a few of them.  

All is well.

Thich Nhat Hanh ( 2011) Peace is Every Breath. New York: Harper One

Thich Nhat Hanh/ Tranquil AF ( ) You are Here. Audio Book ..https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMpj0ayG0Mc

Eckart Tolle (September, 2023) How Can I Balance Stillness and Awareness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXrQ-C-QBJg

Release, Don't Protect!

 

"Do I protect or release? Is this worth protecting?"

Michael A. Singer

Those are  the ultimate questions to ask ourselves when we suddenly  feel our samskaras being triggered by external world events, like for example, some criticism we may be hearing from others.  Before we react...we need to settle into that pause between the stimulus ( the remark ..."You are so weird! or ...so mean!" or whatever) and the response: the  usual conditioned reaction  tendency of "How dare you!  I am not mean...you are!"   In that pause that so often goes unnoticed, making it seem we slip into our conditioned reactions instantaneously...a lot is going on. As wanna-be- yogis we need to explore that pause.

Say what crazy lady?

Well, as soon as the remark hits you, do what I have often told my nursing students to do before responding to a crisis: Stop and pursue the 3 B's: Take a step Back (distance yourself from what is happening just enough so you can observe it carefully and objectively), Breathe (so you can calm down  enough to activate that wiser part of yourself), and Begin again ( once you are at least a little more relaxed and ready to practice non reactivity). 

Use the skill of observation  to extend the pause as you observe what is going on inside you after the remark lands on one of your tender spots. (And you know that is what is happening, right? It isn't so much what was said or done but what was triggered inside: a tender, unresolved wounding that you stuffed and that was festering inside you possibly for all your life keeping your mind  busy protecting it...that bothered you. The problem is that you have a mess inside and it is constantly getting poked by Life!)

After a remark or unfavorable life event, you more than likely  want to protect "me" with all its tender spots. That desire to defend and protect is where most of our reactive tendencies come from but instead of sliding right into that reaction...extend the pause from stimuli to response. In that pause, observe the mess inside you unravelling because of the trigger.

Observe how the body is tensing up: maybe you are feeling a rush of heat to your face; maybe there is a knot in your gut, some tension in the lower back, jaw or shoulders; maybe the iliopsoas is contracting making you curl forward in an instinctive desire to protect your vital organs; maybe you are trembling and your fingers are curling up into little fists; maybe your heart is racing or you are finding it hard to breathe. Observe what the body is doing as the  fight or flight response gets activated.  

Observe what thoughts are going on in your head...(before they become words that come from your mouth). The more you practice this, the reactive thoughts will give way to what is beneath them...some deep seated core belief about  your worthiness possibly. Memories that led to that original core belief, that original wounding may surface. 

Observe the feelings as they emerge.  So much energy coming to the surface ...anger? hurt? Observe the mind wanting you to do what you have always done: push back, run, hide again from these feelings.  Notice the desire to want to push it all back down.  

Don't! 

Just step mentally back a bit farther, breathe again if you have to...relax as much as you can.  Observe what is going on inside from that slight mental distance you created and with the clarity you established with breath.  Just allow it all to come up, all to happen as you simply watch it as if watching some play you paid to see. Take the "personal"  out of it because it whatever happens "out there" really isn't personal! Stay objective! Then, when you feel yourself as the objective Observer and not the actor in the play, watching your form be the random recipient of someone else's unconscious triggering ...respond with inspired action, instead of that conditioned reactivity.  

Maybe you will feel inspired to  assertively express how you feel; maybe you will be inspired to simply  smile and walk away; or possibly  you will be inspired do nothing until the other person walks away. All the while you are letting all that so wants to come up to come up and you release it all. It is not about the other person and what they did or didn't do. It isn't about what Life is doing...it is all about the mess inside of you.  You need that stuff out of you.  So allow these outer world triggers to bring it all up and out. 

When you do this you are making the conscious choice to release rather than defend because what you are defending and protecting is not worth defending and protecting.  This  "me" you are so conditioned to protect, is really nothing but an idea. Let it go.  Let it all go.

All is well in my world. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 1, 2023) Ceasing to Protect Yourself from Life. https://tou.org/talks/