To be outstanding-get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Alrik Koudenburg
Leaving the comfort zone is not something anyone of us "want to" do but it is something we come to realize, at some point, that we need to do. That doesn't make it easy though. Oh no! Even when these comfort zones are stifling, restricting, dark and depressing we resist taking that step out, don't we?
How Do We Get Out of These Ruts?
Someone approached me yesterday with a question. "How do I get out of this rut I am in?" She was in tears. She had recently left her job for a stress leave that turned into an "I can't go back". She hid in the comfort of her room for months, in an attempt to escape from the stress she felt the job and the demands of the 'real world' were causing her. Now her sick note has run out and therefore so has her income. In order to extend her benefits, she needs another sick note. ( And she is deserving of a note. She is sick...sick with shame for being mentally and emotionally unwell). She is overwhelmed with sloth and torpor...or what is known in Hindu traditions as an imbalance of Gunas and a leaning toward the Tamas, "a state of darkness, inertia, inactivity, and materiality". In western terms, it is called depression.
Stuck in Tamas
She says she feels so stuck, so 'overwhelmed' she cannot even make the call to reach out to a health care provider for a note. Even with kind, supportive guidance and direction from others, she seems unable to help herself get out of this mess...to take any steps forward. She has not been able to keep her surroundings intact and liveable, either, because of her condition, and she says that looking at it just adds to her stress and her sense of shame and overwhelm...thus triggering her need to escape what she has created for herself in her comfort zone. Yet, she also says, everything requires too much effort for her to even try. So, instead of getting out physically...she is resorting to getting out mentally by numbing as much as she can with sleep, substances and food. She is hiding from reality in this comfort zone/dungeon she created. It is hard for her to get out so she resists even trying.
Hmm! As I pondered her situation and my limited ability to help, I felt overwhelmed.. (This requires professional intervention!). I did, however, help her to consider and write down a few tiny steps she could take forward, encouraged her to come out for a nice walk in the woods with me, to spend some time around the horses[ horses are magical in their ability to soothe people in need], and I cleaned her room for her. I will make some of the initial calls but, of course, as an adult, she will have to do the rest.)
Easier to Observe It in Another.
Oh man...I can see so clearly, as I watch and listen, what she is doing to herself...what her habit mind is doing and how she is listening and believing it when it is telling her, "I can't handle this! Stay here and hide! " I see her standing there, holding the key for her own prison door and I just want to shout, "Just Use It Already!!!" but all she hears is, "I can't handle this! I can't handle this!! I can't handle this!!"
I know she has to unlock and push the door of resistance open, so she can get out, let go and be free. I know she can do it, even if she doesn't think she can. She is not stuck in her suffering, none of us are, she just thinks she is. I want her free, more than I want myself free. Hmm! But alas...her journey is not mine to control.
We Are All A Little [or alot] Stuck
Besides, it would be hypocritical for me to try. You see, as I look at myself, I see that I too am in a comfort zone of my own making...one I am not fond of, at all. There is an imbalance in my gunas, as well. I am fluctuating between the lazy, stuckness of Tamas and the overconcern about outcomes of Rajas. I need a little Sattva ( the harmony and balance between the two) in my life. I am pretty darn stuck! I need to unlock my own prison door before I can tell someone else to unlock theirs.
I see as Life unfolds, that it is painting these subtle little arrows on the ground before me...pointing the direction out, but so addicted to this awful thing I created, am I, I resist placing my feet down on these arrows. I really do not like this comfort zone I made. I am overwhelmed with stress, barely clean my own space, broke as sh*&, and feeling more than a little unwell at all levels. I go from saying, "Man I got to do whatever I can to get out of this financial, and physical mess in any way I can", as I seek all possible means to outcomes of financial relief only to , when a job presents itself to me, like it did this morning, yelp "Yikes!" I pull back farther into my comfort zone. It is crazy!
Familiar
It is kind of crazy, isn't it, that habit mind will do whatever it can to keep us in the familiar, even if the familiar sucks? lol
Why are we stuck in the familiar? Habit mind desires. That is a given. It has a programmed tendency to want or not want based on our samskaras, our stored emotionally wrapped memory impressions. These comfort zones are built on "This is good. It was good to you in the past. It will keep you safe and comfortable, so let that in!" and "This is bad. It hurt you in the past. It will make you uncomfortable, don't let it in and by no means go out after it!" Sigh. Mind is actually trying to do us a favour with our wanting. It is trying to protect us. Mind means well but we have to eventually see how it is really leading us astray!
Opening and Letting Go
As Michael Singer teaches in the below podcast, Spirituality is not about getting what you want [ in this case-comfort and a place to hide from reality]...it is about letting go. If we want to be free, we need to be willing to step out of comfort to embrace the uncomfortable. We do not have to just open our prison doors, we have to eventually tear down all the walls. We need to stand there open and exposed, relax as Life comes in and then blow through. It doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is...we need to remind ourselves "I can handle this!" If that affirmation is too much of a stretch, as it might be for someone with depression, we can instead say, "I might not be able to handle it right now but there will come a time when I can handle anything. I'm working on it! So watch out."
Being, at least, willing to consider leaving the comfort zone is a positive step forward...leading to the willingness to open, relax and release. It doesn't mean it is always going to be comfortable outside those walls we built, but sometimes comfort is over rated. Discomfort is worth its weight in gold if it takes us forward. It is meant to take us forward. If we can open up to discomfort, we can open up to Life and to the amazing flow of Shakti with in us all.
The next time Life paints arrows in front of you that lead to the way out of your comfort zone...follow them!
All is well! .
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( October 3, 2023) How to Practice being Okay Inside. https://tou.org/talks/
Yoga Basics (n.d.) The Three Gunas. https://www.yogabasics.com/learn/the-3-gunas-of-nature/
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