For real change to take place, the body has to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.
Bessel Van der Kolk
36 Hours After Trauma
So just how much am I learning? How much have I progressed?
This traumatic incident we have been through, with its hidden karmic value, was an amazing opportunity to see how much I have grown. I see two things: One, that I can maintain the seat of consciousness in life threatening situations and two, that my egoic reactivity, based on a samskara triggering (one where I seek support from "formal support systems" during or after a crisis) is still very much prevalent and can pull me out of the Seat very quickly. Cool as a cucumber during and immediately after the actual trauma... but a mess as soon as I think about having to deal with the "systems" ( like when I had the chest pain and thought I might have to go in. I was more stressed about that than I was about getting beat up), or when I am actually dealing with the individuals from these systems afterwards.
Reliving the Self Fulfilling Prophecy
Because of past experiences, I operate in a self fulfilling prophecy almost every time I deal with the "systems". I have ingrained in me this core belief that I can not trust theses formal support systems to help 'me' because they have not in the past; that they tend not to believe 'me' or take what I am dealing with seriously. that they are more likely to minimize 'my' complaints and shame 'me' than they are to help 'me'. I understand, at some deep level, I am creating this. I do. I understand that in some way it is karmic in nature and something I can learn and grow from. I do not want to resist it. I would like to open up more to it so I understand it more and eventually let it go.
You mean you were not shook up at all after the incident?
The incident, I believe, came in and went. I can think back on it clearly without too much issue. I am not clinging to the actual incident. I mean I definitely feel some post effects.The last two days I have been waking up at the same time the incident occurred on Saturday morning, checking the door to make sure it was still holding, sneaking downstairs to check on the girls ( doing so very carefully because I do not want to surprise them and send them into a fright. I know their amygdala's are very much on guard.) I guess, I am afraid now of 'what could happen', with just reason. But it is not consuming me.
A Bigger Stressor: Samskara Activation
That incident wasn't my biggest stressor...dealing with the authorities, the next day, is what I cannot let go of. Mentally, I am stuck on that...resisting and reacting. I am regretting that I didn't do enough for others out there, for public safety, for him. Though my focus in the last 36 hours has been narrowed down to my family, I know this reality extends beyond us. If he uses again, others in the community are at risk. He, or whatever that was in him, was trying to kill us that night and it would have if it had the opportunity. There was no rational mind operating in those 15 minutes he was attacking us. So, I am fully aware that no restraining order or momentary lucid moment of "remorse" or a promise to "not do it again" is going to stop him if he becomes psychotic again. Meth psychosis is a very real and serious thing.
Anyway, I question if I should have done more, said more, insisted on more, been more assertive with the systems that we were dealing with? I was just too busy playing the survivor game, trying to get what was needed, doing whatever I could to get a no contact order to protect "my" family, even if it meant pretending to trust that which I did not trust, while my samskaras related to dealing with similar issues in the past were being activated. As a result, I didn't think enough of "others" out there. I didn't think enough of him. My wonderful light of consciousness narrowed its beam from the wide angle it was shining on down to a tiny little speck..."me". It became all about "me" again.
Through the lens of stored impressions
Because I was seeing, once again, through the lens of stored impressions and because I was so damned exhausted from the whole thing, I was mentally reactive, and I stopped seeing the "whole picture clearly". I was no longer behind the mind as I was the night before...I was pulled into the mind. My mind was full of: "Like so many times before they don't believe me. Authorities never believe me when I present in crisis. How do I prove to them that I am telling the truth. Because they don't believe me, my children are at risk. What do I do? My children are at risk because of something they assumed I did or said...something I am...that convinces them not to believe me. Why does this always happen? Well, maybe they are right...maybe it wasn't that bad...and I am just making too much of it again. Maybe they are right...there is just something wrong with me. That is what they are saying, aren't they? That I am too dramatic, too 'crazy'? Just like when I presented with my daughter when she was suicidal...or myself when I was having angina attacks. I am always just making too much of things, in their eyes aren't I? Should I be ashamed of myself? "
It is so bizarre how quickly that shame spiral whirls out of control when I am dealing with doctors, mental health professionals, the police etc. ...That core belief activation and associated thinking is so quick to fill my mind if I am not consciously willing myself to stay in the Seat. It gets in the way of reality, of what is truly enfolding in front of me.
What is real?
What is real is that my family was violently attacked by someone in acute Meth psychosis. This someone was psychotic and a risk to himself and others. The community needs to be protected! He needs help! (I do really want him to get the help he needs.) This psychosis will come back. I have seen it before, lived with it before. I have seen how affected individuals do not have to be using to have an episode. It can be triggered by almost anything including high anxiety levels, cravings, and other substances. It doesn't always go away . Infact, the other individual I know still has the odd bout and has to be treated still with antipsychotics. His started three years ago. And he has only used once in that three year period. I could not get much help for him either when it began. I had to fight and wait for him to get so bad he asked for help himself (with my direction). And when he did get help I could not convince the authorities how at risk my family was. Though he was more paranoid than outwardly aggressive in his presentation, I found homemade weapons under his bed and notes to his Dad that implied that I was the source of his fear and that he had to protect him and his Dad from me. The mental health authorities couldn't understand, even with that, why I wouldn't take him home. They...the members of the mental health system that were making the decisions thought I was being overly dramatic and ridiculous. He was, afterall, "the best patient they had". This has led to a great deal of distrust in the system. It felt like yet another 'assumption' about "me" was made and like the others it would get in the way of truth.
That distrust and that fear that the same type of thing would take place again has been reactivated in me by this incident. It is me that is doing the activating, I know that. The individuals in the systems I am dealing with are just doing their jobs as they do what all of us tend to do, protect their egos. Making assumptions and judgements is a part of that ego protection. We so often need to prove to ourselves and others that we are "right" and the ones that "know" even if it darkens what is real. Though their intentions are often so honorable, they have to be overwhelmed...the systems are so overloaded with "suffering" beings. They are facing this suffering daily with limited time and resources, often attacked by it. That must have an impact on their own ability to see clearly. It would on mine, I know. I empathize. I respect and I appreciate what they do. This is not an attack on anyone in these systems. It is just acknowledging that systems could be improved when ego gets in the way of doing what is best, of seeing what is real.
What is real is that it happened and there is nothing we can do about it. We can do a limited amount to make sure it doesn't happen again which I hope we did. Despite my internal reactivity yesterday dealing with those professionals I dealt with, I did my best to ensure they knew what happened and how serious it was and therefore how much of a threat to the community this individual could be. Then I had to let it go. When I seen or heard that they were more or less seeing him as the victim, diminishing and questioning the validity of our concerns...I became very reactive inside. I resisted. I tried to relax into that resistance and to let it go. It was challenging to do so.
Still Reactive
I am still reactive. Monkey mind is very busy. I am having a hard time relaxing into the system's approach to this and how I am allowing it to affect me internally. I am very aware of those old samskaras arising to the surface with their shame. They are very heavy and annoying but they need to be felt and experienced before they are released. My focus seems to be more on that than it is on the possibility that this might happen again. Is that strange? I do not feel fear. Oh, I know that if he uses again that he could seriously hurt or kill another. He could come back here. Or he could harm himself. He needs help.
My suffering, their suffering, his suffering=our suffering
Sigh! But I have to let go. This all feels like too much, you know? Like I am holding onto and weighed down my so much that isn't mine. Hmm! But that is just it, isn't it? It is all mine and it is all yours. It's everybody's and nobody's at the same time. This suffering is a universal suffering. Something we all share whether we know it or not. I practice yoga because I realize that. I practice yoga because I want my form to be free of suffering, my loved ones forms to be free of suffering, his form to be free of suffering, all of us to be free of suffering. I cannot change the opinions of those that belong to the formal support systems that are there to actively reduce suffering. I cannot fix the system. I can not fix my children. I cannot fix him...but if I heal myself... that will have a ripple effect on everyone. I don't just believe that. I know that, at some deep, deep level. So I go back to yoga.
All is well.
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