The fruit at the top is best, they say, but more difficult to get to. The fruit at the bottom is easy to reach, they say, but there is so much you can never pick it all.
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I spend a great deal of time and energy examining my own mind, my own mental and personal development through my practice. Sometimes it absolutely amazes me how much I have grown into staying seated in the center of consciousness, and other times I am shocked at how easy it is to fall back away from it. Regardless, observing self and Self as I learn and practice is an amazing thing in itself.
Mastering the High Hanging Fruit
I am really getting somewhere with this practice and was put to the test to prove that on Friday night/ Saturday morning.
My family was violently attacked by someone suddenly overwhelmed by an unconscious and uncontrollable meth psychosis....at 3 am. When I say my family...I mean my entire family that lives here. This was not, as authorities want to believe , a domestic violence case aimed for one person. It wasn't aimed for anybody really and at the same time everybody. The person was completely psychotic. This was the closest thing to a demonic possession I have ever witnessed. (And I don't believe in such things.) There were moments we could still see the person we knew in there, asking for help even, and the next second he would be completely overwhelmed by this dark and violent force that wanted nothing more than to hurt us. Even the physical appearance of the person would change from the calm person pleading for help to this "monster" ( for lack of better words) with dark eyes and growling presence that was out to attack whatever it could reach. He had the strength of ten men. We all got a beating in some way or another. My daughter more than all. All of us, though bruised, are very, very lucky to be alive. I am not exaggerating when I say that.
This would be a high hanging fruit right? Throughout the whole , I think it was 15 minutes, of the attack before the police arrived I was unbelievably calm. I was so aware of what was happening around me, despite all the screaming and the chaos. I mean, my body was in flight or fight as it needed to be ( one of the few times in life we need to be) ...even heard myself screaming once or twice...but my mind was calm, remarkably calm and clear. At one point I was pushed into a corner, my daughter on top of me, and as I was trying to shield her body under mine to receive the blows I heard myself saying, "Oh...so this is what it is like to go through something like this. I may die here...and this is what it will be like." There was no reactivity...no fear. There was no bloody fear. There was just this awareness of everything going on around me....the experiencing of the experience as the experiencer. I was in the seat of consciousness! I was still acting, doing what needed to be done to protect myself and others around me. My body moved here and there. For the most part my voice was so calm. I did scream every now and again when myself or others were getting hurt but it was like the scream belonged to the body, not the mind. The mind stayed calm. And I had nothing but compassion for the individual under that psychotic shadow, I wanted to help him and tried but soon discovered that I couldn't. I would have done anything to protect my family, don't get me wrong, but I felt so much compassion for him I knew there was a being just like me beneath that darkness. There were five of us and only one of him but we could not fend him off or stop him from attacking. It was only when he got outside to literally howl at the moon ( and it was ironically a full moon) that we are able to protect ourselves with the door between us...until he broke it down that is. He had the strength of ten men! When the police came to take this person away I was still in that very calm state of mind. I tried using that calmness to keep others calm but everyone was obviously upset. That calm lasted throughout the remainder of the night/morning. I was so amazed by this observation in myself. Wanted to tell everyone, "I had awakened!" lol
Well my mind might have been awakened but my body wasn't. I within an hour of the police leaving had a terrible angina attack from the fight or flight reaction as well as all the running around and fighting off I had to do. Was the worse one I had in a awhile. The first dose of nitro wouldn't work ...the second dose wouldn't work but I was mentally and physically resisting taking the third dose becasue I did not want to go into the ER...to put that on top of all the other stressors the early morning was providing. So I held on and I hoped and I prayed until finally the pain went away.
Wow! I survived that too and I stayed pretty calm, if not as calm as I was earlier. I was able to fall back to sleep for an hour or two. I really felt I was mastering my practice.
The Low Hanging Fruit
That is until about noon the next morning when we get a call...well let me correct that...my daughter gets a call from mental health ( she puts me on speaker with her for most of her calls because she is hard of hearing) asking if she was ready to receive this person back into our home. (He does not even live here). Of course we shouted no in unison and tried to explain why but were reminded how "remorseful" he was and how he would not likely do it again. I do want what is best for this person I do. He needs lots of loving support, psychiatric help, help with his addiction etc but there is no way on God's green earth am I going to allow my family to go through that again. We were told he was being released regardless and that he would be told he was no longer welcome here. It was then that I felt the reactivity starting. Released? We do not even have a front door anymore to hide behind. If he uses again, he will likely be back. What about other out there should he use again? Do they not see what is going on?
So we went back to the authorities again to do what had to be done to ensure our protection. Even then we were questioned if we really wanted to do this. My reactivity was increasing. I felt my anger and resistance in the form of disbelief arising, "This cant be happening" my mind was saying. I insisted but felt that reactivity in my throat. I was falling from my seat and into the story of what happened and was happening now when we were just trying to protect ourselves and what could happen in the future. I was also physically exhausted from the angina attack and from the drama of the night before. I found myself irritable...slipping more and more.
Getting the door fixed proved to be more frustrating than expected. But we felt an "urgent" need to get it fixed. My daughters were suffering and I didn't know how to help them. My house was a mess from everything and I didn't have the energy to do anything. I was worried about him and what he might be experiencing now and whether or not he would get the help he needed. We had to write up our bloody statements. We had issues getting them printed off. I kept thinking...okay if we just get this part of getting the statements done everything will feel better. We could move on. I was projecting into the future to get out of this moment. I was sore from where I got banged up too. I hated looking at the bruises on other bodies. I began beating myself up for allowing him to stay here as much as he was staying here. Felt it was my fault. I was scared. What if he came back? How would I protect the people in my household? The mind was far from calm! I found myself out of the seat of consciousness and focusing more on what little me was experiencing. Yeah I slipped.
So I handled the high hanging fruit beautifully , testament to the growth that is occurring with a committed practice. ...but I am also reminded how easily we can slip. I didn't handle the low hanging fruit very well. Hmm! All in the learning. All in the learning!!
All is well (It really is)
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