Painful experiences of the past are carved on your ego. Peel off all layers of your ego and you will find the spotless, pure and shining soul underneath.
Shunya
Reactive
I spent the last couple of days, when I had time, reflecting on the rising of a somewhat intense reactivity in 'me', that seems to be so triggered by 'working out there'. I am noticing an intense fear related to making mistakes, of displeasing others, of not meeting expectations and the consequences that I assume will follow, emerging in me. I am noticing the core belief by which this is bound arising as well. The core belief says , "If anybody is going to make a mistake/sin/be worthy of punishment, it will be you. You are a mistake waiting to happen. You are a mistake. You need to be punished for what you have already done and you need to stop making more mistakes. Repent! And, for the good of the world and yourself, stay clear of areas/situations where you could make more mistakes." (Duh? That could be absolutely anywhere, right?)
Painful experiences are carved...
Of course, with that core belief is an underlying shame. Shame and fear are very caustic emotions that burn at our insides. It is far from pleasant to have them come up. Though I know exactly where this reaction comes from and I have experienced it in a lesser degree many, many times in my life history, I have never been as acutely aware of it as I am now. It has never been quite to this degree, or at least this obvious.
Why Now?
Why am I reacting so intensely now, when I have been doing so much spiritual work; when I have grown and matured in so many ways?
Purification and the peeling away of ego
I am feeling this so intensely because I am in the process of purification. As I observe myself reacting in this way and reflect upon it, I realize that this poorly stuffed core belief, this habit tendency, these emotional energies I have carried with me most of my life feel so intense now because the layers of protective self I put over them have been taken away. Layer by layer, I (or Life) have been peeling off my ego, my psyche, the self concept that once protected or at least subdued this samskara so it wasn't constantly coming into my conscious awareness.
I find myself now well into the process of pulling off this particular layer that once covered the inner pseudo-reality of 'shamed/shame filled being', and prevented it from being exposed to the outside world (albeit never completely). This layer I am pulling off, I believed, gave the world more of what I thought it wanted. Instead of a "broken, sinful mistake maker and/or mistake" the world would want to punish, I gave them the redeemer part of my ego. I worked hard, all my life, to create an image that would compensate my shameful nature, using all the ego means I knew: outer appearance, people pleasing tendencies, education, false confidence, success, some form of status and something/anything that would be more appealing to others than disgusting. I created what Yogananda called a "masquerading self".
The Masquerading Self
Though this masquerading self is still just another layer over who and what we really are, it did protect "me" from some pain and discomfort. It silenced a lot of the noise that was on the layer beneath it. It hid the rotting mess from others and myself so I could get by. Now that is is just hanging by threads, and I find myself out there working in the world, I wear my samskara layer on the surface. It is red and raw and it hurts like h-e-double hockey sticks. This is why I have done so much, in the past, to defend and protect it, to cling to it. This is why, I realize, I am finding it hard to accept calls and to go 'out there' without it. This is why I am completely wiped for days afterwards when I do go in, even when I have great days, and I usually have good days. The protection is gone.
Without a protective shell
I am like a tortoise who, upon realizing he could have freedom from carrying so much extra and unnecessary weight, finds himself suddenly without a shell, crawling through thorny brush to get to a food source on the other side. I have to crawl through these thorns, that are exactly where and what they are for reasons that do not concern me, to get to what I want on the other side. I am more than willing but man it is hard. Every now and again I need to stop, and even pull back a bit sometimes, so I can catch my breath. I am committed but like the tortoise, I am slow.
Something must be really wrong with you, crazy lady?
Now I realize how pathetic and drastic that core belief and all its emotional energy may sound. I agree, there is something really wrong with "me". Mostly everything that has to do with any "me" is wrong. "Me" stops us from realizing who we are at the core ...it is a layer in the way.
Why would you share it?
I have a very, very strong suspicion that I am not the only one with such a "sick" core belief inside them. with such a samskara haunting them. I never knew my samskara was as nasty as it was because I was too busy compensating for it...too busy creating this masquerading self and coming to believe it was who I was that I never took the time to really look at what was beneath it. What was buried beneath this layer of knotted and tangled repressed and suppressed stuff was why I was creating an image and putting on a show. I never spent much time pondering that. I didn't want to go there. It was all about what I could do to keep this self comfy and people pleasing so I didn't have to deal with the mess. Man, how sick is that?
So what is your story?
My samskara has a story, a reason for being, just as yours do and no matter how different or traumatic these individual stories may seem, they are all just stories. The story too, if we are too attached to it, can form a layer in the way of us experiencing who we really are. I am detaching from my story. I hope you can detach from yours.
So is this it then? This is who you are: this exposed samskara?
No...this is just the beginning of experiencing "Who I am". My samskara layer with all its fear and shame, its nasty and limiting core belief, the 'self' loathing is just another layer covering the core of who I am. It has to come off too. I had to remove the layers on top of it to get this far. The cool thing is that once we are exposed at this level, there is not much this "me" has to do about it. All we need to do is be committed to getting to the core. The thorn bushes will do the rest. Feel and experience what has been repressed and suppressed and is now on the surface; feel and experience what life unfolds in front of us...resist none of it...and keep the eyes on the prize: Freedom.
The Core beneath the superficial
You are at the core, beneath all you have created. You are and have always been watching and observing the layers being built and the layers coming off. So, relax, as Singer suggests and remind yourself often, despite the stories or the layers, "I am always going to be okay!"
All is well.
And when I peel away, I find my superficial layers run deep, and the deep layers are just superficial layers in disguise. And, when I seek depth, all I can find is a gapping hole, a certain hollowness, cleverly painted by my superficial selves to appear important. And, my ego sneers at this feeble attempt at self honesty.
Srividya Srinivasan
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (October 26, 2023) Self Realization Equals God Realization. https://tou.org/talks/
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