My Dharma

 The higher nature in man always seeks for something that transcends itself and yet it is the deepest truth; which claims all its sacrifices, yet makes this sacrifice its own recompense. This is man's dharma, man's religion, and man's self is the vessel.

Rabindranath Tagore

Bots are gone. Numbers are down to a much more realistic amount. It is all good. Sitting here at one pm., after just getting my grandson down for a nap, wondering what to do with this hour or so I have to myself.  Actually, I am still wondering what to do with what is left of my life time. lol (See previous entry).

Sigh!

Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing to fulfill my dharma?

I have been asking that question for so long now.  It is time to just stop, be still, and listen for an answer.  I am not sure in what type of voice the question will be  answered.  Will it be a clear, internal knowing that will come to me in a meditation?  Will it be in a dream? Will it come with a change of circumstances perpetuated by some force outside /inside me ( karma) that I will have no choice but to deal with? I don't know how I will know, I am just trusting that I will know what has to be done, other than this, if anything, when the time for action comes. For now, I can't memorize my lines from some script so I can prepare  enough to ensure I  play out the part perfectly when I am cued to come onto a different  stage, if I am called upon at all.  I will just have to be willing to wing it...without any costumes or make up or practice to hide behind if I am asked to play any role other than this one. Hmm! I am not even sure what kind of role it will be...if any.  Will it be a lead or co-starring role.  Will it be a minor part or maybe just an "extra's" part I will be called to play.  Will it be villain or heroine? Does it really matter?

How will I know I am playing the right part, doing what I am supposed to be doing, burning off this karma in the right way?  Will I suddenly feel the support of a current taking me some place , instead of feeling like I am fighting against it, like I so often do now?  Will things get easier 'out there"? Will it just feel right?  I don't know.

Maybe I am already doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing...even though I feel so "unproductive"in this role, even though it is role I never seen myself playing: "retiree committed to pursuing a sadhana practice while she  struggles to make ends meat and finds the only time she is productively peaceful  is when she is writing, sharing, teaching in some way!"? 

Everyday I have the compulsion...and it is a strong compulsion...to come here.  I spend a good portion of my morning here.  I just follow the pull and put down, create, share whatever is asking to come out and it feels so right in so many ways. Even though what I offer is so imperfect? (I have been noticing the many errors and typos on these pages for example---writing and thinking too fast...not making a thoughtful offering). I haven't a clue if this is fulfilling even a smidgeon of my higher self or my dharma.  I don't know if I am doing what I was meant to be doing, if I am serving in a meaningful way, if I am burning off any karma, or if I am just wasting valuable time. I Don't Know!  

There is no feedback what so ever  The universe is not giving me any signs about whether or not this is a valuable use of my earthly time, if I am doing any "good". I know practically I  need to be out there making money somehow...I am quickly going under in that area of "my life". I  barely make  a cent off of anything I do that seems to be pulling me heart wise: this blog, my poetry, my other writing, my years and years of studying, Yet, this, whatever it is I am "doing" here, is the most important part of my day.  It pulls me to it and I go. I offer what I offer to God only knows who in this very imperfect way I do ( I really need to slow down the writing , thinking process a bit lol). 

It is absolutely crazy but I am going to keep doing it until the Universe tells me otherwise.

All is wise.