Happy Father's Day to all fathers!!! 

May you love and teach your children well...all children well!  

I am looking at a picture of my own father now as I write this.  I miss his physical presence, his words of wisdom and his laughter in my life but he is still around me always...of that I am sure. I remember what he taught me both through his achievements and his so called "imperfections and mistakes".  I am so grateful for his presence in my life...all of it.

Anyway, feeling heavy myself in this parenting role, lately...a bit overwhelmed once again by  the suffering of others. When I feel this suffering within me I seek to recognize it...and name it briefly without getting too hung up on labels or concepts.  Then I seek to accept it and allow it into my conscious experience.  It is tricky to lean into suffeirng when the knee-jerk reaction is to pull away, as many of us are conditioned to do....but I am training myself to lean. Then I investigate further ...just so I can better understand the nature of their suffeirng and  how it is absorbed in me.  I try to look a little bit more each time into the nature of suffeirng itself. These are the first three steps of the Buddhist way as explained by Tara Brach's R.A.I.N. I am getting better at these steps.

What I need to work on doing better...is nurturing myself  when I experience suffering in whatever form it comes in. I imagine that is the step that is most challenging for all of us to master.  I will nurture others but fail to nurture myself.  I tend to blame myself, instead, for other people's suffering and my lack of ability to "fix" it. That does absolutely no good to improving the situation for me or anyone else.  I think it is necessary to find compassion not only with the other or the world that is suffering but with ourselves. 

Hmmm! I wish that for all fathers.  That they  are able to recognize, accept , investigate the suffering in their children .  ...all children in this global village and that they are able to nurture all...even themselves through suffering. 

Hmmm!

All is well in my world. 

Just This

 Just This!

There is no past,

no future.

Just This.

There is no place out there

or up ahead any better or

any worse.

Just this. 

There is no relationship

that will fill you

or break you.

Just This. 

There is no problem

or solution not yet 

thought of.

Just this.

 

There is no perfect action

or thing to do

that will make your life everything 

you think it should be.

Just this.

 

There is just this moment

as you breathe in

and just this moment

as you breathe out.

This is your Life.

Just this. 

Dale-Lyn , June, 2021 

 

Beyond Normal but Nutty

 "Enlightenment" is simply seeing things as they are.

Adyashanti

Enlightenment, according to Adyashanti, is just a big and often misunderstood term or concept for seeing things as they are.  

Most of us do not see clearly.  Most of us...which would make it the "norm" ...see things as if we are wearing blurry lens.  Those lens are our conditioning and beliefs.  When we truly believe some idea or concept and look out at the world through that type of perceptual field...the world is distorted. And we make our choices and what not based on this distorted way of percieving. Most of us do this, especially if we were taught and conditioned in similiar ways... establishing the same belief systems. Therefore :  It is normal but nutty. 

When we realize just how "nutty" this is we seek to shift our perception, to see in a way that is less nutty, to remove the much too trendy glasses ( our conditioning and beliefs that no longer serve) so we see the world  differently. We begin to see it for what it is...and we see that what the mind was creating and telling us was it...was just an illusion that can truly only exist in our minds.  Putting down the lens of conditioned belief not only changes our vision,  it clears our mind of story and illusion. This is enlightenment.

We do not come into a piece of information we didn't have before when we become enlightened...we actually remove information that was in the way of us seeing clearly ( our dependence on these blurred lens ...our mind and our conditioned way of percieving) . We realize that information, conceptual knowledge etc that we have habitually used to improve our understanding of things... can actually get in the way of us seeing clearly and understanding truth. 

Awareness... that which we unknowingly seek...requires no understanding.  It just is. We are not going to get anything "out" of this process of awakening because it is not something you can grasp or understand conceptually.  It is beyond all that.

Awareness, the one thing required for every thing to be, is not a thing.

Awareness is the background on which everything tangible  in our world emerges, yet, It Itself, is intangible.  We can not touch it or know it...we can only sense it...feel it...experience it. This is our reality...what we are seeking when we say we want to wake up.  

What we are really seeking, then, is no-thing...emptiness, space...what the Buddhists refer to as Shunyata. 

I like how Adyashanti explains our seeking of this.  It is like going to the finest restaurant,  ordering the best thing on the menu and getting an empty plate. How many normal but nutty people would want to do that? Yet this is what we do when we seek to be enlightened...we are ordering the best thing we could ever experience in Life...and at the same time the only thing on that menu that is real....and it is nothing  Wow!  A bit mind blowing, eh? 

What we are also ordering is our Self...for we are the very thing we are ordering. We are no-body, no-thing.  We don't have or get awareness...we are awareness. And when we live as awareness...experiencing the timelessness, the peace, and the joy of being in the present moment, the only time we can be in when we are truly seeing clearly...we are the very thing we are seeking.

When we are enlightened/awake we can still do and function in this world of things but we do so as awareness. It really doesn't matter what we do as long as we are doing it as awareness....as long as we are doing it with awarness of this no-thing and no-body from which all doing emerges. 

Love this:

If you are somebody picking up garbage in the park you will be miserable, but if you are a nobody picking up garbage in the park there will be beauty in the movement. Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm!  Do you still want to become enlightened?  Do you wnat to become a no-body and a no-thing? Or are you more content being normal but nutty? 

Anyway, all is well! 

Adyashanti/Nondual Videos (June, 2021   ) Shift of Perception (2008) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njWDak9_5gY

Eckhart Tolle/Nondual Videos (May 2021) No Desire to Do Anything/Happy as I am (2004)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPvYo49NNWM

Unconditional and Need-less Happiness

 Does fulfilling your needs make you any happier than not fulfilling your needs?

Ram Dass

Wow!  That is quite a question, eh? Most of us would be inclined to answer quickly with, "Of course it does.  Why else would I be seeking to fulfill them?"

But let's look at that a little deeper. 

When you get all the things you are seeking, when you have your belly full and a good's night sleep, when you have enough money in your accounts and are able to pay the bills without worry, when you get the car you wanted or move into the neighborhood you felt you "needed" to be in, when the kids are behaving and living just the way you "needed" them to....are you any happier?  Sure you may be feeling pretty pleased with life and yourself when all these things fall into place but are you any happier? How long do you stay pleased with yourself before you discover there is something else you need "out there" to make your life fulfilled? So are you really happier when your needs get met...or just temporarily and very conditionally responding to what is in front of you? 

Look into this question and answer honestly. Is our so called happiness dependent on the good coming in and the bad staying out of our conscious experience? So when my needs are not fulfilled, do I feel I have a "right" not to be happy?

Let's get something straight: We all have a right to feel whatever we feel... be it happiness or unhappiness. Are you more concerned with what you have a right to feel or what you could feel? 

As long as you are only focused on getting little me's needs met...the less truely happy you will be.  True happiness, is an inside game.  It is not dependent on what is happening out there or what you as a personality and clump of flesh are going through...it is all about how unconditionally open you are to what life offers. 

Sure having it easy for a while as we travel through one of those rare valleys offered by life circumstance...is nice! It feels good to look around and realize that everything is going smoothly, that at the moment you are experiencing little to no challenge getting your needs fulfilled. This is not necessarily true happiness, though,  but a watered down conditional version of joy.  

The question is: Are you going to feel this way when the circumstances change and the valley turns into a series of complicated mountains to climb, when getting your needs met seems next to impossible...when challenge once again unfolds in front of you? When we can experience joy and peace regardless if we are able to check all the boxes on our need to do or have list or not, when we can feel fulfilled even  in the midst of hardship, challenge and difficulty...that is true happiness.  Getting our needs met has little to nothing to do with it. 

No level of pleasure from any material possession compares to the feeling of unconditional happiness.

Edmond Mbiaka

Hmmm! something to think about.

Mid-Air Flight of Golden Wine

 That all I know of Life and myself, is that we are  just a mid-air flight of golden wine between His  pitcher and His Cup.

Hafiz

Hmmm! I am thinking about a lot of things these days...feeling, more than thinking I suppose... about the nature of Life and the suffering of others in this world. I have had a lot of people share with me in the last few days ...their anxieties, worries, fears, sadness and pain. I was very open to it at the time...so wanting to be there but I think it has all clung to me just a bit.  I am by no means regretting or resenting that some of it has stuck...this is, I believe, what happens when we are just beginning the opening up  process to compassion...it is a little messy maybe, at first. It is however, the reason why we are all here.  

I mean I am releasing some of the energy that has been coming my way too...with tears, just a light trickle,  that seems to come when I am listening or thinking or witnessing Life ,with all its sorrows and joys, play before my eyes and ears.   I am feeling more and more 'connected' to everythhing for some reason too. 

It was amazing this morning as I sat out  on the bench in my yard watching the life around me: hummingbirds flying back and forth from the feeder, the trees dancing and singing in the breeze, robin song all around me, a little field mouse running across my yard ( fortunately my cats...who will not keep their bell collars on...were in the house) and then there was 'my' crows. 

I believe crows to be amazingly intelligent birds and I have befriended a pair in the past ( they mate for life) but have lost touch with them over the years.  But a new pair have come to my awareness and I began the adventure of befriending them.  They see me sitting outside now and one will fly over head making its noises and perch somewhere  where he ( not sure of the sex)  can see me and I can see him.  I will go get some food and spread it on the ground while he watches....and he will stay where he is watching me to make sure it is safe.  Then he will call out to his mate who will fly over into a neighboring tree to scout for him as he lands to get food and they will take turns like that....getting closer and closer to me as they trust me more.  (We have some complications in our relationship that make this trust building a little more challenging...three dogs who like to chase crows). My last pair were a lot closer to me physically at this point but I am patient.  There is no doubt, that they recognize my bodily form and are attempting in some primitive way to communicate with me that they want food. The last pair I had befriended would literally follow me on my walks up the hill.  They would fly from one tree to the other  behind me, cawing away. It was really quite amazing.  I don't know what happened but I believe "I" (not them) zoned out of our erlationship because I was too busy "thinking" of other things.

Anyway watching "my" crows ( I am fully aware they are not mine lol) and the world before me this morning led to one of those tear trickles.  It was very nice to feel so human and so connected at the same time. 

We miss out so much on these little connections in Life when we are lost in our busy thinking and doing and that is sad.  All of it is so amazing, really....Life...with all its music, its beauty, its different beings and relationships,  its joys and its sorrows.  When we get lost in this idea that it is all about "me" ...we miss so much. 

It is not all about us.  

We are just wine being poured from the Master's Pitcher into the Master's Cup.  We are the mid air flight of Life expressing itself but  man, it can be a beautiful flight if we could  just open our eyes, ears and hearts to all that is. 

All is well.

Time to Wake Up?

 Do you really need time to wake up spiritually? You need time until you realize you don't need time anymore.

Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm!  I listened to Eckhart Tolle this morning as I sat here with my tea and I was hit with little gems of wisdom that I scrawled down on paper.  Of course, I had to maneuver around my cat who loves to lie down on the paper I am writing on or right in front of my screen when I am typing. Do you think she is trying to tell me something lol? 

This one came from a question in the video below about manifesting awakening. Tolle answers the questioner with something like this, may be paraphrased: Don't regard awakening as a state to be acheived...don't attempt to manifest this awakened version of self. He went on to say that seeking or striving to arrive at this fully awakened state we might call enlightenment can become an obstacle to our waking up.  Why?  Because we do not go anywhere or attain anything by spiritual awakening. It is just a realizaton of that which is already here.

I know I am constantly saying, "I am not there yet", as if I am travelling down some linear path from the unawakened state to the awakened state that exists somewhere up there in the future. Tolle reminds us that "future" is merely a thought form.  So when we strive and seek some future goal of becoming awakened, we are pursuing a "thought form"...and this 'eyes ahead and forward' movement will prevent us from seeing and discovering what is already here and now.  The truth we think we are moving toward, this essence, this relaity of who we are, is already here.  It is simply a matter of realizing it.   We are, for that reason,   encouraged to stop seeking, stop striving and stop "doing" for the sake of trying to attain or achieve something we already have...heck... that we already are. 

Can not achieve being through doing. 

We need to realize that there is nothing to achieve or gain here.  Who we are in our essence is already complete, already One with Source, already awakened. We really do not need to "do" anything but see what we are. Yet, many of us still see it as a journey don't we. Maybe this type of conceptualization  will help us to deal with it better.  Maybe we could look at it as  a journey without time and a journey without distance.And it is not a solo journey. It is not about anything this "little clump of flesh" can do because....

The presence in you knows Itself

Remind yourself of this when you you catch yourself saying things like ,"I am not there yet.  I am getting there. Someday I will be awakened". 

It is like asking the Universe, that we are simply a part of, as if we are childen driving along some highway to some fun destination... "Are we there yet?" 

You know what the Universe will answer right? "Yes dear...open your eyes.  You have always been here.  We didn't have to go anywhere."

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle/Sounds True (2020) Conscious Manifestation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjX4IplPQuw

Creations of Value

 Not to be attached to something is to be aware of its absolute value.

Suzuki, page 50

I listened to an Eckhart Tolle video today, see below, about how to tell the difference between knowing  if what we are doing is guided by ego or the higher Self. That brought me to the Buddhist teachings on "detachment" and that brought me to the book I just finished reading, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.

What I am learning is that what we do is valuable as long as it is "inspired" by something Greater than ego motive. It is valuable as long as we experience 'harmony" in the process.  

As we awaken into a harmonious relationship with Life, Tolle tells us , we go through three stages.  We begin to accept Life as it is (higher Self/ big 'I') instead of resisting (ego, little 'I'). Then we begin to not only accept but enjoy rather than resent. From there we progress to enthusiasm where we are able to create or give birth to something new. If we create from this type of  enthusiasm than what we create will be valuable. 

We can also tell if ego is interfering and misguiding us on our way to creating enthusiastically by how we respond to obstacles, achievements and outcomes. If we fall into negativity when we hit the unavoidable obstacles that are sure to come in any creative process, than ego is likely still in charge. If we react with only a short lived sense of satisfaction from our achievements ...again it is ego taking us away from what is valuable. Finally, if we are more focused on getting to some outcome than the process itself ( seeking  the material or exchange value of the creation), it is ego.  

Something to think about. 

And when we repeat, "I create, I create, I create," soon we forget who is actually the "I" which creates the various things; we soon forget about God. This is the danger of human culture. Actually to create with the "big I" is to give; we cannot create and own what we create for oursleves since everything was created by God...But because we do forget who is doing the creating and the reason for the creation, we become attached to the material or exchange value. 

Suzuki, page 50

All is well

Shunryu Suzuki (2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. 50th Anniversary Edition. Shambhala/Kindle

Eckhart Tolle ( June, 2021) Does Excitement Come From the Ego? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgGXwM_DYGI

Satisfactory Ending

 Just by recognizing the nature of story...by looking at it ...we are getting out of it... The fiction of 'little me' can only sustain itself if it remains an unconscious movement. 

Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm! We, as the proverbial "little me" are always telling ourselves stories about who or what we are in this drama of life and it is usually not a very pleasant story. This need for the unsatisfactory story leads to a need for a happy ending, a dependence on outcome and a stepping over, pushing aside or a dismissing of the present moment to get somewhere up there where the great satisfactory ending is supposed to be. We are so attached to this momentum of getting somewhere up there in this busy world and  we are also more  attached to outcome  than we are to process.

If someone tells us that our future is being taken from us...we panick because we realize that we won't reach the ending that we were so looking forwrad to.  The thing is there really is no story anywhere but in our minds.  There is just the beginning of Life, the climax of Life, the lows of Life, the highs of Life and the ending of Life all occurring right now in this here, in this now. ...the only time and place it can occur. There is no happy ending to make all this twisted plot we travelled through worthwhile... up there.  There is just this! 

So?

So we shouldn't hold our breath and wait for the satisfactory moment to come...We shouldn't deny, push away, avoid or stuff what is happening right here, right  now in hope that our satisfaction is something up there we need to get to.  

Be conscious of your story and your dependence on it.  Be conscious of this "little me" entity that seems to be starring in the drama we create in our minds. Be conscious of your tendency to step over what is right here and now...and instead...look deeply into what is right here and now.  Allow it, embrace it, make peace with it and let it go. Just as the beginning or your story is here and now, so is the ending. 

Put down the fiction novel you are so intent on starring in and breathe right here and right now.  This is your life! 

All is well.

Detached Creation

 Life needs to be a dance between creating and not getting lost in our creations.

Eckhart Tolle (somewhat paraphrased)

I am back to my sister's story...another 2000 words...going to reduce the time frame even if it strays from reality in order to create a flow in the plot sequence. I will see how that goes...no judgement, expectation or a need to control or know what will happen tomorrow. 

I am realizing, through reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind that it is not the effort that I am putting into this that counts but the meaning beneath the effort.  It isn't about getting published or having her story out there for others to read.  It is about being with her again, walking beside her again, laughing with her again and putting into words in some meager way her experience of life.  Maybe it is about showing her the empathy and respect I might not have shown her enough of  while she was alive. 

Those who are attached  only to the result of  their effort will not have any chance to appreciate it, because the result will never come.  But moment by moment your effort arises from its pure origin, all you do will be good, and you will be satisfied with whatever you do. (page 113)

I am on a life long jorney to understand the human mind ...therefore the human experience. I want to understand it enough to make peace with it. 

We each must find some way to realize our true nature. (page 130)

I use writing as a medium to that. Our inmost nature wants some medium, some way to express and realize itself. (page 129)

I just need to let go and let Life take the  reins of this project.  I am merely an instrument for it to work through. Sigh!  When will I truly get that?  

All is well. 

EckhartTolle (June, 2021) The Key to Conscious Creativity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VXLqLhDDaI

Shunryu Suzuki (2020) Zen Mind, Beginners Mind 50th Anniversary Edition. Shambala/ Kindle

Doubting and Satori

 Underlying great doubt there is great satori. If you doubt fully, you will awaken fully. 

Hakuin Ekaku

Of course we doubt, right?  We doubt the validity of almost everything that  happens to us.  We doubt the intentions of our neighbour, the purity of the water we drink, what we are being told, the rightness of our choices and if we are really, really open and honest...we doubt the stability of our own minds.  

Doubting our minds is the quickest way to satori which is enlightment or a realization of truth. It is doubt that leads us to question and it is questioning that leads us to understanding.

So instead of blindly believing what we have been taught, we should be doubting, questioning and examining this thing called Life. 

Hmm! Something to think about. 

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Socrates

Understanding a Dream

 A dream that is not understood remains  a mere occurence; understood it becomes a living experience.

Carl G. Jung

Dreaming About Bears

I had a dream about bears last night.  I often dream about bears.  In this dream...I was walking home alone , (?) I believe, along a quiet road. As I was looking down at the pavement, to my left from the corner of my eye I could see a brown bear. I looked up, somewhat alarmed, and I seen another, then another, then a black bear or two, some more brown bears, some more black bears. There were so many bears I couldn't count. I was somewhat surprised and alarmed. 

(Now I should say I am not that afraid of bears...I have had conversations with a black bear on more than one night who came to snack on my garbage...I walked out to the step both times and asked him to leave for his own sake  which he kindly  did after looking right at me.  He just calmly turned around and slowly walked away... lol).  

Anyway, I was more surprised and confused, I believe, by the bears in my dream than afraid. A presence beside me told me it was okay...that we needed to walk through them to get to where we were going.  Trusting this wise voice I said "sure" and proceeded to make my way through this field.  Everything was good until one of the brown bears came behind me to sniff me and the bear  started to growl a bit like a dog in warning. I turned around to offer my fist to sniff but it growled more. I looked to the presence ( even though I can never see it in my dreams) for advice.  I was told again by this female voice...that the bear can sense I am in menopause and is now threatened by me.  I was told to stay calm, don't panic and to keep moving slowly  to where we were going. I listened to the voice.  I could see women my age panicking, walking or running  to the side of me and they were having a lot of trouble with these bears. It frightened me but I knew I had to keep going calmly and slowly . So I kept walking. 

I got to the midway point of our destination ...some wooden shelter...and sighed in relief.  I was told everything would be okay from here, that  the bears were now sleeping...and as we walked on there were bears all asleep around me.  We had to maneuver our way around them...or I did, I mean.  I was kind of afraid one would wake up but I just kept going as instructed.I really did not know where I was going. 

I finally ended up on the street I grew up on. I looked up to the house where my late friend lived and the little hill around her house was filled with bear but I was no longer afraid. 

Wow! What does that dream snippet mean, I wonder lol. 

Attempting to Analyze the Dream

I looked it up ...and one site, which was not Jungian, suggested that sleeping bears are a sign to stop speaking so openly in public.  Wow!  That after I put the video up yesterday about my parenting expereince and I expressed my desire to do a TED Talk on it. I removed it for now.

Another site said. When this Bear (Brown)comes to you in dreams, you will be fearless in the face of adversity in your waking hours. https://whatismyspiritanimal.com/animal-dream-symbols-a-m/dreams-about-bears/  Wow!  I could use a little fearlessness lol. 

This same site went onto say that hibernating bears  in a dream could symbolize a transition in someone's life. Dreams about hibernating Bears and their caves symbolize that it is time to stop and pull back into yourself. Seek safety and solid shelter out of the coming storm. A Bear dream might symbolize that it is time to store up for the next season in your life or just time to take care of preparing yourself for what is coming next. Of course the transition of menopause was already mentioned in my dream state but it was a threat to this bear? Maybe I need to store up some energy, become more "selfish" during this transition? Now these bears were not in a cave, they were all over the field they were so hungrily eating from in the first part of the dream. 

I was more interested in Jungain analysis. In one article, an explaination of a PHd dissertation on Jung's Wild woman archetype explains the possibility of seeing bears as scattered peices of ourselves ( in which my dream shows many scattered pieces).  I could be attempting to reconcile many of these scattered pieces into a whole as I transition.  The threatened brown Bear is simply trying to warn me of my need to do this? https://www.pacificapost.com/bears-wild-woman-archetype-individuation

And this 

The bear is a creature of contrasts, as it possesses enormous strength and yet generally thrives on fruit and honey. Because of their habit of hibernation during winter months, bears can stand for ressurection. It was the emblem for the kingdoms of Persia and Russia. For the Celts, it is a symbol of the warrior, and in Christian symbolism we encounter the fable of the she-bear who gives birth to shapeless offspring and must lick them to give them form. Similarly, we are ignorant creatures who find our way only through spiritual knowledge.

In Jungian psychology, the bear represents danger caused by the uncontrollable contents of the unconscious, and with this is often associated as an attribute of the man who is cruel and crude. The word 'berserk' most likely means 'bear-coat' and refers to a Norse warrior who morphs into a furious bear.https://www.google.com/search?q=Jungian+symbols+%26+bear&biw=1920&bih=969&ei=x3e_YNynBbSv5NoPk4C0iAM&oq=Jungian+symbols+%26+bear&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBggAEBYQHjoHCAAQRxCwAzoECAAQQzoCCAA6CAghEBYQHRAeOgUIIRCgAVC9L1iGR2DISmgBcAJ4AIABhQGIAZQIkgEDMC45mAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpesgBCMABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwicp6aLmYjxAhW0F1kFHRMADTEQ4dUDCA4&uact=5

Hmmm!  What did I get from all this dream analysis?  ..  I haven't got a clue lol.  Interesting though to ponder whatever that is that is going in my subconscious.  And I do like bears ...so whatever they mean is cool with me. I will think about it some more. 

All is well!

What I learned the hard way about parenting

Thought I would share this little snippet of a very imperfect speech I recently gave ( to my dog and cat...who btw were not very attentive lol). I have decided I was going to do a TEDtalk...more likley a TEDx talk before I leave this planet.  So I am practicing in an attempt to grease some rusty speaking skills.  And they are rusty as the clip shows. 

I also wanted to discuss this topic which is near and dear to me.  I believe if we want a healthier world we begin with ourselves, then we teach our children how to create that (by children I mean the children of this global village). It all begins with finding serenity within.

Though I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be as a person and as a parent...that all things that Life threw our way were meant to be...looking back I see the one thing I didn't teach my childen was the one thing I wish I did very early on...and that is how to live with serenity. I believe we, as elders in this global village, need to make that a priority lesson in our homes and institutions. Peace is everything and it doesn't come from anything the external world provides or takes away. None of us know what challenges life has in store for us and peace and serenity means being open to all of them! So I want to share what I learned the hard way to anyone who will listen. (As I mentioned...my cat and dog were not too keen on listening...hoping that is not an indication of future prospects lol )

All is well!

Worried About Bees

Learn to leave your mind alone it will quiet itself. 

Alan Watts

Found myself worried about the dwindling bee population in my yard and therefore, I assume, in the world. I am going around the yard counting the bees I see and comparing them to the numbers I have counted in past years. I became a bit obsessed. Then I found myself worrying about worrying lol.

I do realize...worry is not going to do any of us any good.  Appreciating what we have while we have it in this moment is what is important.

No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen.  

Alan Watts

All is well!

Lightworker??

I have been born into a broken world and my purpose is to make sure when I leave it, know that I have left a mark of kindness on it somewhere.

 Nikki Rowe

Note: ++ typos...will need to come back and edit

 I often wonder why, as I appear to be 'waking up', I find myself so "out of the loop".  I have written extensively about that feeling of disconnect that has been building in me for as long as I can remember but especially over the last few years.  I thought the increased intensity of this feeling was due to the sudden and drastic changes in my life circumstances: going from being very active in a job I loved, to having to cut back my hours at work and finally  having to leave my job all together; from having a professional title and recognition to having nothing but my name to sign a form with; from going from a good salary and the things they provide to barely getting by on next to nothing for so many years; from priding myself on my integrity to realizing how assumptions were made that gravely diminished the opinion of my integrity and therefore pretty well making a mess of my life and from being physically fit and active to having to limit almost everything I do etc etc.  I thought that is why I had a hard time "fitting in" and taking part in conversations, why I began to absolutely hate small talk, why  I began to prefer the company of animals and nature to social gatherings. 

I realize now that it had or has little to do with my present situation but some inherent trait within me that I have always stifled. I have always felt "different", like I didn't quite belong in my family, my community, this world maybe. I could never understood why. I deeply care about people and sincerely wanted to help but I just never felt like I fit in.

Someone  recently put the question in my head, "Are you a 'lightworker?'' My first conditioned reaction was, "Of course not!  There is no such thing.  That is just New-Age mumble  jumble." Then somewhere in this awakening journey I came across these videos that put that posibility on the table, at least for consideration...at least enough to possibly explain why I feel the way I do. 

Christina Lopez tells us, in 10 Remarkable Signs You are a Light Worker, that a lightworker is someone who has:

1. an intense desire to serve humanity
2. a highly sensitive nature. Empathic
3. a strong intuitive side (express great intuition even before they know they are intuitive)
4. a life long feeling of being totally out of place, "different"
5.  a certian wisdom that goes beyond their years
6.  the history of people coming  to them for advice
7. a tendency to go deep within. Very introspective and good at doing shadow work even if they are afraid to uncover what hides inside them.
8. a very strong and powerful energy field that children, babies, animals and those who can read or sense auras are attracted to. Because of this powerful energy field they may be manifesting things they do not want in their life if they are not careful
9. a tendency to be forward driven.  An intense need to heal the past so they can move on. Can walk away from past situations, relationships etc pretty easily without looking back or clinging
10. a need to grow.  They have a very powerful inclination to grow, evolve and expand.

Wow!  That sounds like me.  Whether or not  there truly is something called a Lightworker"...that certainly has been my experience so far.

As far as the "disconnect" that happens for "lightworkers", Christian Lopez goes on to say in another video, Signs of Spiritual Awakening and Feeling Disconnected and Lonely, that this disconnect we feel in our families, social groups or the world at large ...

• comes on very quickly because of a sudden shift of energy at the quatum level
• is temporary. In truth we are never actually disconnected...just perceive we are. When our energy shifts we may give up old networks that do not serve us while we are being inputed into new networks that better serve us. 
• is irreversible.  When we spiritually disconnect from places, people, things because they no longer serve our evolution, we cannot reconnect.  Though ego may resist and fight letting go of these familiar patterns of existence, we cannot plug back in to that which we have disconnected from
• happens multiple times in varying degrees through our awakening and through our lives
• is happening for our benefit , in order to take us to a better way of living, a more joyful place for the soul... so it is best we do not resist it too much.  Resistance will slow us down. 

What to do if we notice this disconnection happening in our lives

• Know what it is and that there is a purpose for it
• Be  patient! Know that though the energy change is immediate, the repercussion may be slower, as energy takes time to ripple out enough to change reality
• Learn to  ground self ...get back into body, breath, connection with earth etc through mindfulness and awareness
• Connect to spiritual guidance team, "I give authority for you to intervene".
• Do not fight it!  Ego will resist and if you allow it to progress forward will be slowed.  Try this mantra: "I am just going through a process of disconnect but eventually I will connect to something new.  I will be a whole new person, more joyful, more purposeful, and aligned with higher energy."

Well it is something to at least consider, is it not?

All is well! 

Christina Lopez 10 Remarkable Signs you are a Lightworker. https://christina-lopes.com/live-with-joy-purpose/lightworker/

Christina Lopez (November 2018) Signs of Spiritual Awakening and Feeling Disconnected and Lonely.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDZUbhh0ztU

The Life that Exists Beyond the Life Situation

Don't let life situations obscure or stifle Life which is your sense of aliveness and presence.

Eckhart Tolle

 What happened here? There was a big long spiel???

An Apple Tree Reminder

 My Little Apple Tree

If peace can have a scent, it takes me to your side

where leaf is green and flowers bloom and bees so happily abide.

You stand so like an angel with branches  stretched like wings  toward the sky

and wanting Heaven too, I lean against your steady bark and quietly I sigh.

I am lost in the sweet presence that makes the blossoms escape from your tiny tips

and I close my eyes and feel It as "thank you" slips from my lips.

You teach me what I need to know without useless word or thought;

You show me what I am and you show me what I'm not.

I breathe you in and when I do I breathe in all that I could ever be.

Somehow I find the truth I seek, in you,
my little apple tree. 

-Me...

©Dale-Lyn (Pen) (May 30, 2018)

I thought I would put this up again because I realized I missed shooting and appreciating my little apple trees outside while they were in beautiful bloom.  Sometimes we get so caugt up in our heads we fail to see and appreciate what is right in front of us.  And apple trees in blossom are amazing to smell, see, hear  (all the buzzing within them) and simply experience.  We really do not want to miss such things in life! Sigh!  Luckily photograhpy can help us to remember what we are missing... to some degree at least. 

All is wel!

 

Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.

Ben Franklin

All so good in my world.  I am so grateful for the learning opportunity that has presented itself to me through this little bit of semi-nursing. (By no means am I going beyond the legal and ethical  scope of practice I am presently at lol...felt I needed to say that).  I think it is time to make peace with nursing, to make peace with my past, to make peace with myself and synchronicity has brought me right to the physical location where I can do that.  That really is so amazing. I am not saying I am not a bit afraid of this necessary and potentionally life transforming confrontation...because I am...I still fear making mistakes that may harm others in anyway...facing fear creates fear until we get through it.  The key is to walk through fear, not around it. Every step I take through it will make more space for me to give...and I do want to give. It is all good. Life is very, very good.

All is well in my world

Forget Your perfect Offerings

Ring the bells that still can ring, 

forget your perfect offering 

There is a crack; a crack in everything,

that is how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen from Anthem

Disturbing Thoughts

I was recalling the nursing procedure I did recently that was far from perfect. I failed to offer perfect help. The disturbing thoughts related to that have returned even after the moment of superb reprieve and 'aha' I experienced  when I realized where they came from and what they were.  For a while there, I thought they were gone for good. I felt like I took a major step in my growth and healing. I felt peace.  

Then yesterday they slipped back  in to my thought stream, trying so hard  to disturb and call me away into a 'you are defective and deserving of punishment mode' with : "You did not do that perfectly therefore you are wrong!  You may have made a mistake that could hurt someone and you are not allowed to make mistakes especially if they hurt, bother, or upset other people in any way. Aren't you always doing that?  Why do you bother to even try to help?You are just going to end up hurting.  If you are not perfect in this role, you are bad and you have no business doing it! You deserve  to be chastised, shamed or  punished! "  Pretty pathological and gruesome, eh? 

Return of PTSD

I witnessed these intrusive thoughts coming in one  at a time, slowly at first before multiplying like baby rabbits.  I witnessed the way my jaw got tight and my teeth  clamped together, how my belly felt tight and my chest got heavy as my body began, almost automatically, to curl forward in protective freeze mode.  I witnessed the fear  increase at the thought of possibly hurting someone took over and the shame, I felt in my core...for possibly making a mistake I am not even sure I made but assume I must have made because in this role, don't I always make mistakes?  Wasn't any offering that wasn't perfect a mistake? 

Ego Twins

I watched what my mind wanted to do with these thoughts...in one breath it seemed to be welcoming them as it pushed anything positive I may have done in the past or have the power to do in the future away...the next it was trying to push the bad  away as it desperately went after anything that would be positive or at least diminish the negative. I watched the ego twins battle it out too: shamer ego doing its dirty work chastising and diminishing me and redeemer doing its ego-salvation work to fix, repent, repair and of course to save face. I tried to reach out to people, "Check and see...make sure...watch for...I will come back and fix.etc "Even though I was assured everything was fine...   I awaited for the  the punishment to come to me.

Watching with curiosity and a certain detachment

The whole time I watched what was happening inside me with a certain curiosity. I  knew my reaction  was all so irrational and overly dramatic. I knew so clearly for the first time in my life  "why" I  reacted the way I did, felt the way I felt. I could trace it back and see the whole picture and that was amazing to be able to do that. . Still...the thoughts didn't seem to know that I knew lol. The feelings didn't seem to care...they were going to move around inside me regardless. My knowing and understanding and being able to witness what was happening did not stop the PTSD experience...but...but it didn't overwhem me. It didn't "kill me." 

Throughout it all, I could breathe and watch the breath.  I could bring myself back to the moment.  I could witness and when we witness we are not lost.

Cracked and Broken In Places

I am realizing now that I am cracked and broken in places. Whatever trauma I experienced in my life...all that pain...it has left its mark on me.  I am deeply wounded and deeply scarred...so it would not be realistic or do anyone  any good to have me  "pretend" that there are no wounds and to restrict my offering only to that which is perfect. I cannot give what is perfect for I am broken in places. And as Hemmingway says...the world breaks us all in one way or another. 

Strong at the Broken Places

Acknowledging that will allow us to see that it also makes us stronger because it has left its mark on us. If I didn't break with Life...if  my outer shell did not crack..."I" would cease to be in the sense that I wouldn't be able to see the light that pours  within and comes from within, that is so much more powerful than any onslaught we experience externally. 

Forget your perfect offerings

Suffering can take us inward, to the light we are. Let's not be afraid of that suffering or ashamed of our cracks and breaks.  Let's learn to expose them so the light that comes through, the strength that enemates from them  can be there for all.We may not be perfect, what we have to give may not be perfect and that is okay.   Let our True Self that lies within our cracked and broken shells  be the  gift we really offer. 

All is well!

The world breaks every one and afterwards many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.

Earnest Hemingway from Farewell to Arms

What Would Bale Do (January 2017) Stop Misquoting Leonard Cohen and Ernest Hemmingway. Start Listening and Reading. https://whatwouldbaledo.com/2017/01/12/stop-misquoting-leonard-cohen-and-ernest-hemingway-start-listening-and-reading/

Myopic View of Self

 It is quite alien to western thought to conceive that the external world, which is defined as something that happens to you and your body itself is something that you got caught up with...it is quite alien to our thought to consider all that as you yourself because, you see, we have such a myopic view of what oneself is. 

Alan Watts/True Inspiration (January 2018) Overcoming a Victim Mentality, Lecture by Alan Watts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUcJBe2wU1k

More on Trauma

 The past is never dead, it is not even past.

William Faulkner

I came across this video from Tara Brach today and it beautifully explained what I have expienced over the weekend so perfectly. She spoke to how we may react to a trauma trigger and be taken back to the all too familiar feelings of shame and guilt. 

She explained that trauma is a cutting off or disconnecting from  the Real Self and recovery is a reconnecting. 

In trauma we may expience enough of an assault on our nervous system in the form of intense fight, flight or freeze that , as the shamans say, the soul checks out of the body. We lose our sense of who we really are and get lost in the drama. This is traumatizing. 

We spend the rest of our lives skirting around this very active but hidden self in fear that it will somehow make itself known in a different way.  I also see that which is hidden will surface...eventually..like what my trauma pain is doing. It just needs a trigger.  That reactivation sets off another spiral of fear and shame...we do not want this to be exposed or judged. 

The point is...There is no escaping or getting around it...just  going through it. :) We do gradually with a lot of patience, awareness and self compassion. This compassion is three part: empathy for the suffering, benevolence toward it and a desire to help if we can. 

We learn to create space around it to observe, notice, allow, accept unconditionally and to offer a little loving compassion. The more we take it in the less attachment we have to the past. The less attachment...the less it impacts us. 

Falling asleep for some reason...will be back on this topic. 

Tara Brach ( March 2021) Healing Trauma, the Light shines through the Broken Pieces. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR-DN7JYSLo

All is well 

PTSD and Triggers

 PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of major proportions with massive repercussions.

Susan Pease Banitt

Trauma Triggers and Reactions

I have come so far in life, in terms of healing from past trauma.  I really have but there is still one trigger that sends me spiralling backwards into my unconscious pain in what seems like a sneeze.  That trigger is nursing.  It...and more specifically the imposter syndrome I was never ever able to grow away from in my 30 years of nursing... has this undetermined power, it seems, to drown me in fear and shame. I dream about it at night and in these dreams I am flondering around making mistakes and doing harm.  I still, to this day, ruminate over the mistakes I may have made in nursing school or in those early years, and in order to accomodate the mind's negativity,  I forget or dismiss all the wonderful and brilliant things I was able to do for or give to patients and students  in this role over the years. I focus only on what I did or could do wrong. I will even over-think for hours or days when I leave a situation where "I  acted like a nurse"  in someone else's presence...going over and over again...what I should or should not have said or done, what I could have done better etc. And this pattern of mental over kill happens so fast.  It seems I don't have time to prepare for it...The trigger is pulled...the blast hits...and I am thrown back 45 years into the source of it all where I will stay for much longer than is comfortable. 

I recently went for an involuntary swim in a very familiar and deep pool of inadeqaucy...by agreeing to help out people I care very much about and whom I would love to help. I performed a (normally self-care procedure) I was not completely prepared for ( my responsibility only) and which I would have performed hundreds of times in the past...but not on this particular person with an individual set of conditions and needs. 

Shot!

The all too familiar thought arose as soon as it was finished, "Are you sure you didn't do more harm than good? You are not really a  nurse, you know!"  It was like : What the ...?; where the heck did that come from?" The thought would not go away! My fairly peaceful and serene mind that I had worked so hard at establishing slipped away. I got shot with a trauma bullet out of nowhere it seemed ( though it really was not out of nowhere.) I was instantly filled with ruminating, self depreciating thoughts and feelings of worry and dread.  It happened so fast and it was mentally overwhelming. 

Because I was away from that feeling for so long it felt even more awful in contrast to the peace I have been experiencing since I put my professional role down. I was reminded  how that type of mental noise constantly filled my mind when I was in uniform or lab coat. I realized just how bad it was for me all those years I nursed.  Why I wanted to avoid it, Why I got sick in that role. 

Not the Trigger but the Trauma

Now I know that the cause for my lack of mental peace has little to do with the circumstance or nursing. It is not the nursing role...or the procedure ( well a little bit...I am rusty and I was probably never meant to be a nurse) ...The source of  my "suffering"  goes much deeper and much farther back than yesterday. In fact, ironically, I literally could look out the window of the place I was at and see the place where it all began...a place I lived a life time ago.. It was a double whammy trigger. 

The mental pain followed me around nagging and distracting, keeping me from being able to focus on what was happening in my present moment.  I could not walk away from it. I think it surprised me more than anything. "Wow!  I am suddenly back here, thinking and feeling this way!  I thought I was more evolved than this. I thought I was all over this nonsense." Well, I am obviously not!

Trauma Recovery: A Life long Process

Trauma pain , I am learning, does not go away.  We can learn to spend a great deal of our time in the  present moment despite it as I have learned to do but if something pulls the trigger...chances are you are going to feel the sting of the bullet finding its mark. We will have a PTSD reaction.  My trauma pain is greatly diminished and very, very mangeable these days, true; even this reactivation is manageable but the trauma pain is still there and will be activated whenever Life touches my stuff.  And Life is going to touch my stuff! That is a given. 

Improving!

What I can do differently now, that  I did not have the skill set to do in the  years I actively nursed, is observe my mind and body...observe this particular  pattern of mental behaviour that comes from trauma induced fear and shame.   It is so cool to notice where I am feeling it in the body; notice what types of thoughts are flittering around in my head; notice how these thoughts are preventing me from truly focusing and being in the present moment.  It really is quite amazing to be able to see what is going on.

I can also understand it all better and thus accept this post trauma reaction in me because I do know where it all comes from.  That way I am not only more accepting of it but also of myself. 

I used to beat myself up ...causing suffering on top of suffering for my PTSD and my inability to avoid the extreme reactions I had to triggers. But now that I see it all so clearly ...it makes it easier to deal with.  That doesn't mean I don't feel the anxiety, fear, shame or that my mind is able to ignore all those uncomfortable thoughts that are popping up in my head but I simply notice, feel, allow, accept and understand.  I am much, much more gentle with myelf and accepting of what is.

Point of this big long speil? In managing triggered reactions in PTSD we couild benefit by:

1. accepting the fact that trauma pain and memory will not go away completely and will likely have some impact our lives forever. 
2. facing your triggers and therefoe your pain. Sure be aware of your triggers and maybe limit the expereinces to some degree but do not avoid all triggers all the time.  I am learning that facing this nursing trigger will help me to deal and make my way through my trauma pain.
3. Noticing your reaction to triggers.  When you are suddenly feeling a good dose of shame and fear, ask yourself, "Is this a PTSD thing?" Then watch what your mind is doing, what your emotions are doing, what your body is doing? 
4. Making  a seperation between what you are experiencing and you, as the observer...that way you will not get lost in the reaction.
5.  Not resisting: Don't resist it and don't get yourself all rawled up thinking and saying things like, "This should not be!  This is wrong!" It is what it is...you have had some trauma, it got stuffed inside you somewhere and Life came and poked at it...causing an emotional reaction in you. Might not have been pleasant but it is what it is.  Lean into it ...not away. 
6. Allowing  and embracing these reactions to triggers as learning opportunities.  I am learning to say, "Oh this is just a reaction to a trauma  trigger I am experiencing. Hmmm!  That is interesting...look how it makes me think and feel...hmmm...I wonder what Life wants me to do with this? What about the original source of it...am I to look a little more into that? etc" 
7. being compassionate and patient with self.  Healing from trauma is a life long process and the last thing you need right now is an enemy in your mind. You have had enough of that kind of suffering, haven't you?   Be a friend to yourself, and that means learning to be friendly with trauma and these yucky reactions to triggers.
8. Speaking your trauma to someone else...or at least tell  a trusted someone, "I am feeling anxious or worried or ashamed right now because this thing has triggered some truama pain in me." Just by saying out loud that there is a trauma pain and a trigger  makes it all more real for you and less ominous and lonely making.  Chances are the person will understand.  They may even be able to relate becasue of their own expereince with trauma . 

I wrote a book about this...yes I did...but I cannot cite it because it is yet to be published. :( 

All is well in my world!

 All the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact: they cannot stay quietly in their own chamber.

Blais Pascal, Penses 139

Pretending Away From Now

 The place where you are is the place where you are always pretending you need to be somewhere else.

Alan Watts

Think about that line above for a minute.  .....Okay , now go back and read it and think about it again. :) 

Pretty cool eh? Where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be...infact, there is nowhere else to be. This is it!  Yet, in this place where you are supposed to be your mind is constantly telling you, you need to be somewhere else. 

You need to go back, it says,  and "do" something about whatever happened in the past.  I mean, you know you can not physically go back in time...but you can go mentally back, maybe to erase certain features that memory has painted on your psyche,or supress, repress and keep your hand there holding it down, like a rubber ducky, in a bath tub so it doesn't pop up and scare you. Exhausting!  Maybe your mind is telling you ...you have to rationalizeyour part in the event  in some way to ease the shame and guilt you are feeling or maybe it is telling you to give yourself a good beating for it.  Maybe the mind is pulling you back because it is rationalizing the need for that drink or that unhealthy and unhelpful activity you are about to partake in .  Yeah...you with the mind's guidance  often pretend  that you need to be in the past.

And we definitely pretend we need to be somewhere up there in the future.  That I believe is the true disease of our generation...the using this moment to get somewhere up there.  We are always planning and worrying, conniving and thinking ahead...with this honest and sincere belief that is what we are supposed to do. We drag "to-do" lists behind us that are 20 feet long with plan A, and Plan B...and "what to do if all else fails" written on them. We think that we can somehow control life but as Alan Watts reminds us, we do not know how to interfere with the way the world is.  It just is. 

Even in our spiritual practices ...we seek to get ahead. We say things like, "When I get there to that state of realization or enlightenment, then I will enjoy the moment as it is."  

How ironic is that?  When enjoying, allowing, embracing the moment for what it is is the spiritual practice and the spiritual achievement at the same time. 

Yet, we view this moment we are in , which is the only time there is,  as an inconveneince, especially when it offers things that we judge as "bad, wrong, shouldn't be".  In our resistance of this moment we create or add to our experience of suffering. We are not getting anywhere. 

You do not need more time; you do not need more suffering.  You need time [for realization]only until you realize you do not need more time. Eckhart Tolle

When are we going to get it? Where we are right now is where we are supposed to be because it is the only place to be. What is "happening" right now is supposed to be happening because it is the only place where it can happen. 

Hmm! Something to think about.

All is well! 

Suffering: Supposed to Be

 There is not a grain of dust in the whole universe that isn't where it is supposed to be. 

Alan Watts

Still thinking about suffering in the form of "stress",  what makes it and what helps diminish it.  I came across this video by Alan Watts today and though I only got 30 minutes in before Life called me away...I heard  everything I was feeling and thinking echoed in the words of this very wise man who so effectively took the wisdom from the east and made it contemporary in the west. He had a gift and he used it well.  He had a mission and, I believe he nailed it...even if he was not well accepted by the more traditional institutions of North America and Europe at the time. Anyway, I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to tap into that wisdom so easily now. I am grateful for my own evolution that took beyond my fear based conditioning to where I can be open to this teaching.

Anyway, back to suffering. Watts  mentioned how ego leads us into a futile attempt at resisting pain through establishing a posture of chronic muscle tension...as if by tensing  up the body we can stop the "bad" things from getting in.  It, of course, reminded me of the issue I have with my jaw and teeth. 

He also spoke about resistance and validated my belief that resistance to pain is a very big social "problem' and a cause of so much of our collective suffering  We are taught, at a very young age,   to avoid pain because we are taught it is "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" (have an article coming out with that title). So we resist and struggle against or avoid/numb from anything that is judged or believed to be painful.  When we do this we resist such a big portion of Life because the so called 'negative' aspects of Life are just as much a part of existence as the so called 'positive'.  We not only resist Life but we resist our true Self.

In our dualistic tendencies we tend to view that the life circumstance or 'happening' is one thing and the person it is said to be happening to is another thing.  We are always breaking things down into nouns and verbs...where there is a noun, there must be a verb; where there is an action or something done, there must be a doer; where there is a happening there must be a doing. Watts challenges that notion by saying This happening is not happening to you becasue you are the happening. Happening and doing are one and the same.  So no matter what we do or what we 'don't do' we cannot prevent suffering from 'happening'.  

A wonderful thing, however, takes place within when we learn to accept, allow, and embrace suffering without our judgements and perception.  We open up to Life and all it is.

Hmm. The stress I am experiencing right now...simply is. I truly do want to lean into it rather than tensing up agaisnt it. What helps me is learning that everything that is happening is happening just the way it is meant to. These circumstances are not random punches from the Universe...that I should duck and avoid...they have their purpose and their place.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Uncle Evevy ( Jan, 2021) The Inevitable Ecstasy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzjIKqO5ILI

The Cause of Stress

 

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

William James 

Clenching Up In Stress

I clench my teeth when I am stressed.  I have really been clenching over the last eight months...I mean big time.  So much so that the last dental Xray I had done showed several cracked teeth and being that I can not afford a dental plate, there will more until I deal with my body's instinctive reaction to stress.  I am sooo stressed...to the point my experience with it  is breaking my teeth and making me sick. What I really need, though, is not a  sedative, not a dental plate nor a diagnosis for what is causing the pelvic pain...but an elimination of or at least a reduction in the amount of stress I am living through. Stress is the culprit and the body is just reacting to it. 

The Cause? 

What is really causing my stress? Is the fact that I have all these challenging  external circumstances and events taking place at once the cause of  my stress? Is Life and other people to blame? No! I have learned enough to know that it is not the circumstances that are causing this expereince of "stress" in me but my mind.  There is no problem except in the mind. 

Not the External Circumstances

Sure there has been a lot in the last eight months: having someone with a life threatening addiction come into my home and have to witness (and occassionally be target for) the neurological damage, the psychosis, the tremendous struggle with addiction itself that plays out in front of me; witnessing damaging enabling; the sense that a relationship is falling apart because of it;  having a child who is so, so unwell in other ways(life threateningly)  and not being able to help her;  my son's broken relationship and the unfair way he was treated in regards to his paternal rights by people who were lifelong friends; having him move back in; another daughter losing her baby; the unexpected death of a sister-in -law; my own sister's heart attack in December and her struggle with even bigger things that I am powerless in helping her with; the struggles my youngest has on  a daily basis with her anxiety; having my deeply invested source for potential and much needed income ( yoga studio) be taken away by COVID; the monthly struggle to pay the mortgage so I can keep my finacial independence in this relationship in an attempt to cling to this idea of "my" home; debt and bills I cannot pay; the waiting to find out if I had breast cancer or not; the pelvic issue that keeps me up at night and leads me on yet another "wait" to find out what that is; just having to "health seek" in any way and how that reopens old wounds in me; the new genetic possibility and another potential big decision I might have to make in the future; wanting it all over with but having to wait for my sister to participate when her situation right now makes her ability to do so unpredictable; feeling sick; menopause; a loss of healing space in my own home; and like everyone else on the planet this little clump of flesh is living trough a pandemic as well. 

There has been alot of stressors in eight months and some of them are fairly big...yet these are not the cause of my stress.  My mind is...more specifically...my perception and judgement is.

The Mind's Judgement Induced Perception: The Cause of Stress

Huh? 

I used to teach that stress is a phyiscal and mental reaction to a "percieved" threat. 

• So number one: Stress  is a reaction ...Stress is not the mother bear that stands on the other side of the cub you came across on your hike in the woods. It is how your body and mind react to it that makes stress.  It is not the circumstance but the reaction to it. So though it seems I have had a lot of things thrown at me to deal with in the last eight months, a lot of mother bears to face...I am not cracking my teeth or getting sick because of them.  I am cracking my teeth and getting sick because of what my mind and body are doing in reaction to these things. 
• And my body does what the mind tells it to do.  The mind must first say, "This is a threat! React!" For my problem with clenching...the mind has told the body to stay tense and alert.  "At any time now you are going to have to run, fight or curl up in a little ball.  Be ready!" So my jaws just obliged.  It also tells the immune system, "Okay!  I am  laying you off to conserve energy for fight and flight." The immune system obliges and walks away from its jobs ...and things can change on the cellular level without it doing its job.  
• The subjective experience of stress ...the "feeling" of stress, worry, dread, fear  also comes about because of what the mind is saying and reporting. "Danger!!!" That message comes from what it is perceiving.  It is "perceiving" a threat to its survival, whether that survival be physical, emotional, mental, or financial etc. 
• Perception comes from making a judgement.  And that judgement we see the mind using in response to challenge that leads to stress is, "This is bad, wrong or shouldn't be!"  When I was more or less told I might have cancer...I judged it as 'bad, wrong, shouldn't be', felt fear and then pereceived it as as a threat to my physical survival. When I realize how much pain a loved one is in...I judge this  as 'bad, wrong, shouldn't be' and it becomes  a threat to my emotional and mental survival as a parent. When I realize I cannot make my mortgage payments that is perceived as a threat to my financial survival. These circumsatnces are all a part of Life doing what Life does.
• It is not the possible diagnosis, the suffering of a loved one or the lack of income...it is my reaction to it.The perception is the problem...and the perception of threat comes from the mind's judgement. 

So what do we do then to help eliminate or reduce the stress we are experiencing?  Especially when we have no control over it?

• The serenity prayer comes in handy here: we accept what we cannot change, and change what we can.  Knowing the difference between what we can and cannot change is important.  I loook at my so called "stressors" and say...I can change some. I can't change others. I can change my living situation if I absolutely have to.  I could kick everyone out! I am not going to do that lol but I could. I cannot make them stop using, make them stop enabling but I can change my limit setting and boundaries. I cannot change what is going on in my body right now but I can make changes in lifestyle and treatment so it doesn't get worse. 
• And most importantly, we can change our judgements and perceptions. Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.  (Hamlet) Life is a series of coming and goings, peaks and valleys, joys and sorrows.  It is just the way it is. 
• If it is something we cannot change, we realize number one, that it is not the thing that is the problem but what the mind is doing with it.  Just watch your mind and see how it is dealing with this...what judgements is it making about this thing? 
• If you are percieving a threat, ask yourself , "Is this really a threat to me?" Very few things we react so strongly to are actually threats to our survival.  Many times we over react and perceive a threat when no real threat is there.  We nee dto put things into persepctive and not automatically jump  everytime the mind calls out "Danger!" 
• And if you know it is a threat to you at the physical or psycho social level...ask, "Is it a threat to the "real" me, though ?"  That quetsion helped me so much when my world seemed to fall apart after  I got sick and couldn't work. I lost so much of what I thought was important and it felt like part of me was constantly being threatened.  I realized after a long inward questioning  that the only part of me that was being threatened by the loss of income, title, role, recognition was my ego not who I really am.  Nothing real can be threatened (ACIM).  The only thing being threatened by cracked teeth and disease is my body.  I am not my body.  Well that helps me, anyway. 

So to sum it all up, it isn't the circumstances that cause stress but our reaction to them. Our reactions are created my perceptions which are in turn created by our judgements. Let's go there to determine the cause of stress as well as the solution for it. 

All is well!

Unhappiness Addiction

 Most people are addicted to their suffering.  It is the ego's way to maintain a small, seperate little me that is constantly in conflict with the world.We are scared that without our suffering we won't really know who we are. 

Loner Wolf

Addiction to Unhappiness?

Is it possible to be addicted to unhappiness?  It certainly is, and I believe that most of us are to some degree.  

Eckhart Tolle teaches that it is the pain body (a big clump of stored memory, trauma and pain that was not released the way it could have been from the body because of mental resistance to it that become a hungry little psychic gremlin in most of us)  that likes suffeirng and for many of us the pain body is the dominate force in our relationships with others and with life.  We allow our emotions, without meaning to, to carry us off into the familiar path of "Look at me and how much I am suffering." As I witnessed in myself last evening, it often even goes beyond to the, "Not only look...but feel this suffering with me."  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44

 

I am getting better at recognizing when I am being carried off or have been carried off and I am able  to bring myself back more often than not.  And it is quite cool to be able to witness it happening . 

An Example

I got together with my sister and sister-in-law for a glass of wine  last evening.  It has been the first time I seen either of them in months.  As we were sharing how life was for each of us since we last were together, I caught myself sharing in this way: First I was deflective , not wanting to talk about myself because I didn't want to focus on the negative. When the conversation started to get a little negative, I joined in.   Then I began to share superficial neutral things in terms of emotional stimulation. As we progressed I began to share a little of the "heart ache" and as I did, I found myself 'getting something from it' .  I was getting lost in the idea of me as the victim again, the tragic heroine. I was mentally comparing my stressors with theirs.  Then I wanted to take it farther...I didn't...but I wanted to.  I wanted them to come along on this journey of misery with me.  I wanted them to "ooohh" and "awe" over my challenges.  They did to a degree.  But I wanted and expected more and more. Ego was whsipering in the background, "They are not validating you enough . You are looking for validation and you can not get it.  They  truly don't see or care what it has been like for you.  Add that to your list of woes." Then...I caught myself and what I was doing.  I pulled back and got quiet again.  I realized that this is a very familiar thing I do especially around my sister when I am talking about my life. Her "It is not that bad " response is very familiar too...it is just a practical minded attempt to keep me from getting stuck in a mindset of suffering and also a way to remove herself from the line of "guilt attack" the pain body of one always directs to another. 

Well I seen it all clearly last night and was so grateful that I did. ...before I got too lost in my negativity. It was like saying "no" to another drink. 

Being Aware of Addictive Potential

We are often addicted to our unhappiness.  It has some elusive but very powerful pull to it.  But just like drugs and alcohol...if we are not cautious and participating in moderation...we can get pulled down pretty fast by this addiction.

Just like admitting to having a problem is the first thing an alcoholic has to do in their recovery, recognizing and being aware of our problematic mind patterns is the first thing we have to do.  Recognize the pull negativity and unhappiness has on you and be mindful when you are offered an opportunity to share how it could go.  By all means share and vent to those who care when you need to to...but just be careful of the motivation behind it and how it affects you.  That's all. 

All is well.

Dana Prajna Paramita

 Even though something has no material or relative value to any "small I", it has value in itself.  Not to be attached to something is to be aware of its absolute value. Everything you do should be based on such an awareness, and not on material or self centered ideas of value.  Then whatever you do is true giving, is dana prajna paramita. 

Suzuki (1970) page 50

Hmm! I felt compelled to come here this morning and ask the questions I have been asking for years.  Am I truly giving?   Do I let go and detach from what I offer?  Who is doing the giving anyway...small I" or the "big I" ? 

I truly want to make the rest of my life about giving and I have so little "material" to give anymore.  All I can seem to have left to give is my presence, my learning and my words. Is it enough? 

Dana prajna paramita is true giving  on our crossing over to the  true wisdom of life  and giving is nonattachment.  So what I do here every morning...what is it? Is it dana prajna paramita? 

...to give one line, or even one word of teaching is dana prajna paramita. If given in the spirit of non attachment , the material offering and the teaching offering have the same value. page 49

I honestly do not know if my giving here  is done in the spirit of non attachment but I think it is.  I am not really seeking anything of material value from this, nor am I seeking recognition.  And really...the "small I" I knew would not put herself up on a blog site about such topics for random people to read ...she would be too concerned about what others would say or think.  And I do know, especially with the poetry that comes out here, it isn't 'me' doing the creating. It is much bigger than that. It is the "big I' that brings me here every morning to do what I do, and give what I give.

Actually, to create with the "big I"  is to give; we cannot create and own what we create for ourselves since everything was created by God. page 49

I know "small I" is definitely still around, checking to see if what I wrote was read, or if it sounded "okay".  I do my best to let go of what I write as soon as I write it, without judgement or concern for where it goes from there.  That feels so good when I can do that.  It is getting easier ...but ...I still don't "know" if what I do here has value or if  I have given up all my self centered ideas of value. I don't know.

Hmmm!  But this comforts me:

...to give one line of the teaching may be to make a ferry boat for someone. page 49

I like the idea that I just might be a small part of some Grand Plan for  making a ferry boat for someone to cross over to a better way of being.

All is well!

Shunryi Suzuki ( 2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind 50th Anniversary Edition. Kindle edition

 Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending and hanging on.

Eckhart Tolle 

                                                              Miss my old friend!