That We Cannot See

 

By that we cannot see

Guided,  protected, and  supported

by that we cannot see

seen, heard, embraced and loved 

by that we cannot see

blessed, provided for, nourished and fed

by that we cannot see

lit, warmed,  and helped to shine 

by that we cannot see

taught, challenged and  made to grow 

by that we cannot see.

-me and the angels :) 

I just did a little experiment and asked the angels to write something through me in a two minute free flow.  This is what came out. So I guess we will talk about angels.

 I, and many others,  use the term angels to describe those beings or entities or  vibrations or  energy forms or guides...whatever you wish to call them... that guide and support us even when we do not see them or  can experience them with our five senses or limited conceptual minds. Is that a little "woo-woo" for you?

You might meet some resistance when I speak of this...your ego mind or so called "science " mind may dismiss this as silly non sense. Many of us still do not beleive there is a reality beyond that which can be perceived by the five senses. That's okay....but I will ask you to take a deep breath and answer this question honestly: Do you sometimes feel something supporting you even when you cannot visualize it or make sense of it? 

I do...and growing up Catholic where communication through prayer with angels was a thing and where we were taught that we all have a "Gaurdian Angel" looking over us...it isn't that strange that I seek that guidance and often find it. I find comfort in the term "angel".  

At the same time, I know it is just a term.  I truly do not know what an "angel" is and I realize that others have different reference points and conceptualizations for this thing I call "angel". 

I guess one way of looking at it...regardless of belief system or cultural reference point... is by seeing it as a energy formation of Love that comes from a higher level of consciousness meant to guide us there. It really isn't some "thing" we can "understand" conceptually. An angel ( or whatever term you use) is someone or something that can be felt when you are ready to open up to that possibility. ...someone or something you can lean on for support and guidance...like a trusted loved one.

Hmmm! I don't know why I believe this but it feels good.

All is well in my world.

Taking a Little Pause

 We will be more successful in all our endeavors if we let go of the habit of running all the time, and take little pauses to relax and recenter ourselves. And we will also have a lot more joy in living.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Finding and maintaining our center is the best thing we can do for others and ourselves. I truly believe that. We all need to relax and settle into our bodies and moment a little more...especially when things seem chaotic.  Would you say? 

I am going to add a video I did up a few months ago for my yoga page students ...a little introduction to meditation ...far, far from an expert...just learning from them and offering what I learn. 

 I have done other videos since then and will add those at a later date. 

Hope it helps!

Please ...whether you use this or not...take a pause.  You have earned it.

All is well!

I haven't credited the beautiful music in the background appropriately because it was playing on spotify on my command "Yoga/meditation musuc".  I am not sure of the source...other that that.  That may get me in trouble. So grateful for it, regardless and my apologies to the creator of that music.

Chaos Buster

 Meditation is power.  Enter chaos from the point of internal stillness, and your stillness becomes a chaos buster.

Marianne Williamson

Not sure what to write about...I feel better than I did yesterday. That is good.  Head is still dizzy so I won't type long. Donèt worry...I have not worn my complaint bracelet for a while lol. 

Anyway, many of us are expereincing chaos right now and it is going to be in our lives until the end of March.  For some reason that comes to mind when I think of what has been happening in my own little life and what is happening with COVID and the Donald Trump situation. We need to keep finding our peaceful centers in the midst of chaos.  We will get through this. Meditaton is a wonderful, wonderful tool to help us in these trying times.

All is well in my world. 

Body Wisdom: A Prayer Answered

 "What can and  is the human part of me to do until I completely realize Self?  And what do I leave to the higher dimension where I simply am? Please show me. "

Hmmm! I am a little worn out from the stress of the last few days and the stress of the last few months.  Though, I am somewhat ashamed to admit this(ego is still hanging around), it has taken its toll on me physically as well as mentally and emotionally.  

The place where the "Gut instinct" resides, the so called "second-brain" of the body has spent the last 12 hours purging itself of accumulated toxins, most of which I believe were mental and emotional. Man was I sick and am now physically drained.  

It was so funny...I could almost feel and envision this "dark, heavy" negativity leaving my body with every trip to the bathroom.  I felt the pain of it coming and going like waves or contractions and I just rode the waves sensing that something was going to be cleansed of this or born of this.  It was the weirdest thing. I was so physically ill but grateful for it at the same time.

  Of course there could be a "rational" or "scientific" explanation for it but I have no desire to seek one.  I just know after each trip...I felt lighter.  ( Of course I am dizzy, brady, dehydrated  and my electrolytes are probs completely out of wack...which could explain the way I feel lol.) Still...something happened to the stress I had been storing in my gut.  The desperate need my body was experiencing to get me to hear  the deeper  wisdom it was trying to relay to me over the last three months...what I just couldn't seem to "get" ...left me. I feel cleansed.

It all started when I awoke in the middle of the night and I was thinking about all the suffering around me...I ws so acutely aware of the suffering of others and my own...and how powerless I felt, not sure of what "I" in this clump of flesh was supposed to do about it.  So I prayed and I asked the above question...(I wrote a few months back about my take on the serenity prayer...and this line comes from my intrepretation of the last line. " ...and the wisdom to know the difference." ).  

I wanted that wisdom.... to be able to get past the "story" I have been telling myself and others about this expereince, get past ego...to reclaim my center in the midst of this upset so I could see, think and act clearly. As soon as the words were uttered,  the pain started and I knew it was going to be a sleepless night. For the first three trips...I was still stuck in mind...by the fith or sixth trip... I could feel the release...and by the 11th...the veil between me and Self was gone. I was a new person. I hadn't the energy to think or do...just to be. I found my center

Someone just called from down there where he was before being admitted to the hospital.  And she was kind and supportive in her inquiry of how he was doing. She let me ramble...one last time :) and with that went the rest of my  resistance, my distrust for the system, my fear of an unfavorable outcome.  I gave it up to God. I felt releif.

And I am making this a me day, a "recovery" day.  I am not doing anything except write here and a load of dishes.  I am still in my PJ's.  This physically drained feeling was exactly what I needed to "still" me so I could get back to  the calm, peaceful center of home.

I will let the answer to the above question come, when it is ready, from there.

All is well. 

The False Refuge of Self-Righteousness

 The self-righteous scream judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets.

-John Mark Green

Can you hear a lot of rattling of bones behind me? 

Self- righteous

Man!  I came off as  so self -righteous yesterday, didn't I? As if I was the one that saved the day.   Not! 

I did nothing but report what I was hearing to whom I thought were the people who should know and I kept trying to convince someone to take the appropriate steps.  His trust in his Dad was what saved him. In the long run...he did get the help he needed.  He did and that is what is important.

Crisis from the Ultimate Refuge

During the crisis, Self was doing the directing, not my ego, thank God. It was more of a, " This is what is happening and what do we do next? " With every obstacle we encountered...I allowed my higher Self to take the reins, to make the decisions, to do the talking.  There was absolutely no room for ego in those moments and therefore there was no resistance to the moment. I was operating from the refuge of intense awareness. 

The resistance came after the crisis was over and my entry yesterday may reflect that. 

It is so easy to point fingers, isn't it?  Self-righteousness, blaming and judging is just one of many ways we seek "false refuge", according to Tara Brach.  I was pointing a finger so I could escape from what I was feeling.   

I didn't like the way I was feeling yesterday.  

Confusion, Guilt and The Gut Feeling

I mean I was so relieved that this gut feeling I had over the last few months  was validated. There was indeed a valid reason for my unease around him...though I had no idea at the time that he was having these thoughts about me. Though I tried to explain the reason for this unease through what was obviously happening in my external environment...the feeling was so intense it wouldn't go away! I beat myself up for that...for being suspicious "without reason"  and yes fearful when there was no outright signs that I should be.  It was such an uncomfortable three months for me ...I over reacted about everything.  

I reported before how I was picking up this heavy and dark feeling or energy. I had no idea it was his. His paranoia about me prevented him from confiding in me or his Dad about his fears that I ( and others)was a threat to his life. He believed he was caught in a real dilemna...he needed to be near  his Dad to feel safe...but there I was wanting him dead, in his mind.  He was terrified, angry and resentful of me obviously and when I confronted him with  what seemed to be passive -aggressive behaviours he would politely apologize, explain and withdraw further. 

And that would confuse me even more, "What's wrong with me for feeling this way then?"  

Now I know that my gut was very, very active picking up something  very real that my mind didn't.  I like being "right" lol. But then as soon as I revel in the proof of my powerful gut instinct,  I immediately feel guilt because my sense of validation came with the realization of just how sick someone was. How could I revel in that?

Pointing a Finger at self  

So yesterday I was feeling this guilt, on top of this genuine  concern for him.  I was also feeling angry at myself for not picking up these signs of psychosis earlier.  "I know better.  I should have been able to pick those up so he didn't have to suffer for three months...so I wouldn't have done the "tough love" thing of sending him down there."  

Man...how did I think the delusions he had when he first came down after his last bad high in October...miracoulsously went away when the drug did?  When he said he felt better...I should have looked into a little farther.  I kept rationalizing: "Well, they sent him home an hour after he was admitted back then so they must have thought it was nothing of concern...and he was acutely paranoid then. He just had a severe, prolonged reaction to the last dose.  He is all better now."

  At the same time there was some  obvious paranoia but I chucked that up to being because of the excessive amount of marijauna he was doing as part of this "harm reduction". I did not see the psychosis.  I kept saying, "This isn't right!' but I couldn't put my finger on it.  Man...I missed it when it was right under my nose! 

And yes there was some mild PTSD there...that  was F*&^%#$% stressful! Trying to talk someone down in that state ...by text...not fun! Discovering that you , yourself were at risk for three months ...a bit scary too. His sick mind would have done what it had to to defend itself against me.  I know that now.  He had the resources to do harm and he truly believed I was a threat to his very life. Oh man!  How does a person miss that?

Forgetting and False Refuge

So not liking the way I felt when all this came to light...I sought refuge in my self righteousness, of pointng out a broken sysem.  It was simply a way of escaping my moment of intense feeling.  

So in a moment of intense feeling yesterday I forgot presence and my center...and I went tramping after ego again. I decided my moment was not something I wanted to be in so I escaped into external focus on what went wrong in that experience  and what is wrong with this system.  Don't get me wrong...I truly beleive the mental health system needs some serious improvements.  Focusing on what is broken, however, does not lead to better access.  Only focusing on solution does that. All the individuals we dealt with regarding this issue...regardless of how they may have come off...are doing what they are doing because they want to help.  Even if they slip away sometimes and forget what they are there for...that intrinsic goodness is still there. We are friends-may they be happy! Tapping into that is part of the solution. 

And seeking false refuge in ego ways does not lead to peace of mind. I did not feel  better for very long after I wrote that.  

Real Refuge...Remembering

I felt better when I was able to center myself again, slip into the moment...recognize what I was feeling and experiencing...allow it...investigate it farther and nurture myself regardless.  I needed to forgive myself ...not point fingers at others...for my feelings. After  I sat in stillness, focused inward and went through RAIN  I felt what I wanted to feel...peace. I remembered the healing beauty of presence.

It is all good.  Thanks Tara Brach. 

All is well in my world. 

Tar Brach ( January 8, 2021) The Three Refuges-Getway to Awakening.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7me06krhVNg

Intuition: Trusting that Gut Feeling

 Cease trying to work everything out with your minds.  It will get you nowhere.  Live by intuition and inspiration and let your whole life be Revelation.

Eileen Caddy ( from Erin Fall Haskell's Awakening)

I have always had a certain amount of intuition about people and things.  My Dad had it and I think he passed it on to me. I never called it intuiton though...I just thought that my over analytical and fearful mind was always trying to protect me from new potetional dangers. So when I entered an unfamiliar situation  or met someone for the first time I automatically and unconsciously would begin to scan for possible threats.  I unintentionally picked up a great deal of information and  put those pieces together very quickly into a picture that made sense to me about the person or place. That is how I explained my reaction to myself and others.  Others quickly agreed that my fear, oversensitivity and negativity was the cause of these feelings. 

Regardless of the explanation, my senses constantly worked overtime and as a result I would feel a certain "knowing" in my body.  My body would somehow tell me if the place was safe and if  the people I was with meant  harm to me or others...If I perecived  a safe  "yes" place...it would relax or get tingly in trust and appreciation for the presence around me. I would find myself smiling and open.  If there was some threat I couldn't yet see or understand I usually felt a tightening in my core, sick or nauseated, a trembling of my limbs, a discomfort and a physical stepping back. I would percieve a heaviness or darkness that I couldn't explain to anyone. I would feel irritable and "off". I instantly knew it "wasn't right"( even though I hate to use right or wrong terminolgy...I don't know how else to say..."It just didn't feel "right!")  What I knew for sure was that I wanted to get out of there or away from that person.  Even if the environment was nice and the people seemed friendly and kind, saying the right things, my gut almost  instantaneously would scream "No! This isn't right!"  

I would of course, doubt myself and question this feeling.  I agreed with the others who would tell me that I was being ridiculous and oversensitive, just anxious and negatively seeking the worse. I always felt so guilty for not trusting certain individuals or for "assuming" a level of unconsciousness in certain individuals without explicable reason. What was wrong with me for judging so without evidence, reacting so?  

So I learned to squish that "feeling" down, to chalk it up to some "defect" in me...a consequenc of  my much too dualistic mind making judgements that were unfair and unrealistic. I began to trust that these perceptions were "off" and stopped trusting myself.  I became confused about what was real and what wasn't. So I did not stay in many of those situations that felt "right" or with the people who I tingled or relaxed around.  I also spent way too much time over the years in situations that were counterproductive to my well being and growth and with people who in their unconscious states cared little about me or who even wanted me to suffer.  

My reactions and this "knowing" may have become somewhat delayed but the feelings , however, did not go away.  Infact they got stronger. 

I began over the last few years , ever so slightly, to listen to them again  depite my doubt. I started recording the gut feelings and experiences. ..I then began to spend physical and mental energy in trying to determine "why" I felt that way. I usually find solid evidence that I had a good reason to feel "off".  Very, very slowly I began to trust those feelings again.  I began to trust my inner wisdom. I don't necessarily act on that wisdom right away but I take the feeling that something does not feel right and I sit with it.  I am aware of it but I don't feel teh need necessarily to do something about it. I give it up to Life.  I may not trust a certain person or circumstance...but I do trust Life and I know that it will guide me to my highest good and the highest good of others.

All is well! 

Asking the Right Questions to Ensure the Right Action

 Each day, I will take time to go into silence and commune with Source. I will ask purposeful questions and hold space for the answers to be heard.  I will be a  listening vessel for the divine.  Then, as I go back into the world, I will ask if I am in alignment with that vision.  I will honor my vision.

Erin Fall Haskell

Hmmm! Do you have clear vision in your head  for where you want to go in Life; what you want to be? 

I still have a hard time with "The Secret"s  idea of "manifesting" but at the same time I truly believe that the first cause of everything we experience is mental. If we are not living the lives we love and feel fulfilled in...then we don't necessarily have to focus all our effort on attempting to change and control our external situation.  We just need to envision something better. 

And we have to realize, before we begin any visualization process,  that a better life is not ego's version of life but Spirit's. It isn't  the creation of   a pampered materialistic  life for ego that will bring true joy and fulfilment for us...but a Life of true purpose, a Life that is motivated by higher consciousness and desire to serve. It is, whether we know it or not at this point, only a Life aligned with Higher Awareness that will fulfill us.

How do we envision and therefore create such a thing?

We can begin by meditating.  We go into stillness, the moment, the body and from there we observe and listen as the awareness. 

Then we ask the following open-ended questions:

• What does Spirit/ God want me to do here  with this life I have been given?
• What unique gift do I in this form, this incarnation, have to share with the world?
• What is it that is coming through me that I am meant to share?
• What is my unique purpose here?
• What is my individual divine expression in this lifetime?
• Who do I need to become to express and give that?
• What gifts, talents, and capacities do I already have that I can use toward my vision?
• How can I serve my vision right now?
• What habits, things can I let go of now that no longer serve my vision?
• What thoughts, perceptions, and circumstances do I need to become more conscious of?
• What still needs to be learned?
• What skills need to be developed or capacities need to be enhanced?
• What people  do I need to surround myself with?

Imagine your self living your vision.  Try to fully experience it:

• What does it feel like?
• What am I doing on a day to day basis?
• Who am I spending time with?
• Where am I living? 
• How am I spending mornings and evenings
• What sounds do I hear, sights do I see, tastes do I taste, textures do I touch or aromas do I smell?

Finally: Be thankful and take 'right' action:

• What am I thankful for that I have in my life right now?
• How will I experience gratitude when my vision is fulfilled so I can feel it now?
• What steps can I take today or in the next thiroty minutes that will help me manifest my vision?

It is reccommended that we do not share this vision with anyone who does not believe that we will attain it.  

We take this sacred contract we make with our Higher Self and we wrap it in positivity, acceptance, and faith.

Hmmm!  I am going to commit to envisioning the Life I am here to live  once again.  What about you? 

All is well.

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening [Day 37]. Kindle Edition 

The Space Between

 Between stimulus and response there is space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. 

Victor Frankl

Reacting?

Hmm! I am still pondering over my reactivity to the the circumstances of "harm reduction' I was living in over the last few months. I was feeling such a tremendous relief yesterday, like a weight was removed from my shoulders. My environment had changed; the circumstances for another have suddenly become positive...signifying a moving forward, there was hope for recovery for all ( addiction is a family disease) and there was suddenly less physical, mental and emotional mess and chaos in my life. 

Now I am still reacting, aren't I? I am reacting to a change in my external circumstance for the better.  The bell rang(the stimuli)  and I drooled (the conditioned response)  because  I  anticipate the reward ( as it repetively happened in the past , I will get fed by something I like or want.) 

Between the Bell and the Drooling

If, in the past,  every time the bell rang I got zapped by that which was judged as "unpleasant" I would retract, contract, activate that good old fight and flight or freeze response wouldn't I?  So it isn't the bell that is offering reward or punsihment and my sense of "suffering" , is it?  The bell is neutral.  Life, in all she offers us, is neutral...no "right" or "wrong", no "good or bad", no pleasant or unplesant"...it just is what it is. 

All stimuli is neutral...yet we have all been conditioned, due to past expereince and conditioning, to react a certain way. It seems the response immediately follows the stimuli...but it doesn't.

The Pause

There is precious  space between what the five senses pick up and how we respond to it.  It is in that space that we make our intrpretations, our judgments, our "choice" to perceive something, judge it as good or bad etc. Whether that stimuli is a life circumstance, a confrontation with another person or something we are experiencing inside our minds or bodies...there is a pause after it.  

We need to reclaim that pause, rest in it, become aware of its power and ability to determine the response which in turn will determine how we live and what kind of people we are. 

One of the stimuli I have been reacting strongly to over the last few months was the sudden change of my living environment to one of "harm reduction" and "regression" or "stuckness" for all...a sense of chaos and mess in the physical, mental and emotional environment as a result. I did not pause or stay in the space long enough to do as Tara Brach suggests we should do, recognize and allow.  Like a knee jerk reflex I went right into reactivity. I had made judgments I wasn't even aware I was making, like "This is bad!  This should not be so! They are wrong!  I don't want this!"  It left me retracting...contracting at the core, retreating into my defenses, seeing myself as seperate and vulnerable...needing to defend and attack for what was "mine" and it left me regressing to an earlier stage of my evolution.  It was literally making me sick until... that is...I took the time to go back into that space: to recognize, allow, investigate how I was truly feeling , and then nurture myself rather than beat myself up for my reaction. (Tara Brach's R.A.I.N.)

So now as I notice other little things related to these circumstances...instead of reacting right away, I find myself settling into the pause.  I take a deep breath and I wait for spacious presence to assist me in gaining some clarity. I recognize what I am feeling and expereincing...I name it and allow it...even if it seems to be the farthest thing from zen it could be. Then I really try to get to know  what I am feeling or unwilling to feel in my body and mind. Finally, I will try to nurture myself through the process, aware that I am inflicted with a disease many of us have" deep doubt about our intrinsic goodness".  When I have done all this I try to see how I feel, I sense the presence, that spaciousness and how it fills me with compassion for all. I respond from there. 

Hmmm! The last three months have offeed me tremendous learning.  I am so, so grateful for that.

All is well. 

Tar Brach (Dec 30, 2020) Healing with the RAIN of Compassion.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-HAbov-Ym8

Balance

 A  non-judging orientation certainly does not mean that you cease knowing how to act or behave responsibly in society, or that anything anybody does is okay.  It simply means that we can act with greater clarity in our own lives, and be more balanced, more effective, and more ethical in our activities, if we know that we are emerged in a a stream of unconscious liking and disliking which screens us from the world and from the basic purity of knowing our own being.

Jon Kabat-Zinn 

Perceiving and Reacting

I am feeling so relieved, so hopeful...such a change from what I was feeling weeks ago.  Why?  I am reacting or responding to a life situation...which means that I not necessarily neutral or staying in the nonreactive center. Still...I am okay with it for now.

Someone I care about has taken another big, bold beautiful step forward into recovery....into his healing. He started rehab today.  

I realized that I have been reacting nonstop to having him here over the last three months because there was no stepping forward.  He was stuck here in some comfortable zone of harm reduction and substitution. And though he had not been using the "big stuff" he was still constantly numbing and far, far from clear minded. That left a big chaotic shadow in my environment and in my mind.  

Everywhere  around me, then,  there was obvious chaos and mess.  I was surrounded by  "stuff"  I didn't want here.  I tried to avoid judgment and attachment  and I kept reciting to myself, "Harm reduction...harm reduction.  Don't judge"  but I found myself constantly reacting to this situation. I couldn't seem to stay neutral in my center.  I was really, really "off".  I perceived that I was being selfish, failing in my my mission to awaken...so I felt great guilt and shame on top of the resentment and blame I was feeling.  

It wasn't until I said good bye today that I realized my motivation to change my environment, to get him into rehab was far from selfish ( don't get me wrong there was definitely  some selfishness there) ...I wanted to see him moving forward...I want what surrounds me to be a space for moving forward...not just for me but for everyone.  What I was truly reacting to  over the last three months...was a perception of "stuckness"and my own "regression and retraction." I did not like it!   I love seeing people move forward into Life.  I love feeling that my environment, my presence  somehow assists with that .  I feel absolutely awful when I feel I or my environment enables myself or others to regress or not go forward! Hmmm! 

So the relief and peace I felt today as I sent him off was so wonderful.  I know I am not completely in my center...staying neutral.  When I react in this way to the situation even if I perceive it as positive I am swinging away from center.  The fact that I see it or anything outside of me as positive, "good", "bad" , "right", "wrong", "something to like", "something to dislike"  means that I am moving away from center.  With the perception, thought or judgment  will come the emotional response/reaction taking me away from the peaceful center. Hmmm!

Find Your Center!

I was reminded three times yesterday by several  different individuals about the need to "find my center". 

I listened to Eckhart Tolle say that, Trevor Hall and then  Lee Harris express that the most important thing for us to do in 2021 is to hold that center. Then later I listened to Jack Kornfield remind us to do the same thing and there was a few sentences  in Jon Kabat-Zinn's book, Wherever you Go there You Are, that I quoted above.

I am going to work very hard at finding my center and doing my best to stay in it.  I hope, simply by doing so, that others will be able to do the same.

All is well!

A Musical Reminder

 When you lost your way, colours start to fade. Take a look within, find your offering. Hold it to the sun. Let your spirit run. Remember. Remember... find your center.  My love is just a reminder.... find your center. 

-Trevor Hall

Excuse the white blocks...I cut and paste some. My bad. 

I was meditating today about what I am wanting in my life and the healing changes  I want to take part in 2021 (not quite sure what they are yet) to a guided meditation on spotify ( mind's still a little monkeyish...so I felt I needed some help) and these two beautiful songs came on that touched every part of me.  Again...I can't help but think that it was synchronicity and serendipity at work.  :0  

Both by Trevor Hall:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwHVS7Q5cOI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=puBXtKPQc38

All is well

 Happy New Year to All!

Here is hoping that all of you have a blessed and peaceful 2021.

And that you are able to make peace with all that went down in 2020, 

so you can let it go in order to move forward.

Best wishes!

A Little Prayer

 

Holy Spirit,

Help me to heal others so that I may heal…to be healed so I can heal others.

Help me to teach so that I can learn…to learn, so that I can teach

Help me to light the way so that I may see…to see, so that I can light the way.

Help me to bring joy so that I may smile and laugh with my brothers [ACIM terminology]…to smile and laugh with my brothers, so I can bring joy.

Help me to give so that I can receive…to receive so that I can give.

Help me to love so that I may be loved…to be loved so I may love.

This is a prayer I have been reciting since first reading ACIM.  It came to me one day when I had my eyes closed and I was pondering over what it is I really want to ask for. I recite it often. 

All is well!

Stress and Dis-ease

 Just as consciousness can cause disease, it can also create good health and well-being.

Erin Fall Haskell

Stress and Disease

Stress is a strange and powerful thing to consider when we look on our life experience and realize we are indeed "stressed".  I often talk about the implicatons stress has on the body.  How I see trapped trauma memory , more so than genetics, as the cause of this "invisible" thing I have going on with my ticker, the cause of the knots in my body that are manifesting as painful "somethings" in areas of concern. 

Stress, I believe, is the greatest causative factor of all disease. Fight, flight and freeze reactions lead to sudden changes in  "chemistry" in the body...the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine that speed up heart rate, cause muscle contraction in preparation for action that seldom comes, increase blood pressure, delay the immune and digestive responses ( because the body just does not have time for them) and demands that adrenal glands exhaust themselves in order to keep up the cortisol production needed at these times.  This response gets turned on when no apparent threat to our physical survival is before us. And ,  most of us in this part of the world,  do not know how to shut this stress system off once it is turned on. We live in states of chronic stress.

The Mind turns on the Stress Response

So what does the turning on and the turning off?  The mind.  

It is the mind and all our thoughts, our judgments, our perceptions and intrepretations...that turn on the stress response. It is the mind that tells us something is dangerous, bad, wrong .  The mind tells us to fight, resist, avoid what Life offers in a moment.  It is the mind that tells us Fear is real and that we must "react" accordingly. This fear response is hard on the body and if fear (in its many forms: frustration, anger, resentment, blame, anxiety, dread, sadness, grief, despair etc) is trapped inside rather than released, as it is in many of us, it reeks havoc on the body.  How we think, then, is the leading cause of disease.

The Mind can turn off the Stress Response

If that is the case, then  only by controlling of that mind  will we be able turn off the stress response.  Controlling the mind is not an active process, as may be imagined as someone gripping with all their might on a large hand brake as they are dragged along with their heels screeching against the earth. Controlling the mind is actually more of an allowing and observing of the mind as the key instigator of our negative experiences.  

Notice the Body in Stress Mode

Just step back away from the experience that you erronously believe to be causing the stress and watch your reaction.  Notice how your body is responding to that stress...the area in the belly...the key intuitive center may feel tight, "off", contracted . You may feel tension in jaw, neck, shoulders .  You may notice you are breathing fast and shallow, your heart is beating fast. You may notice your hands in fists and your upper torso leaning forward. As soon as you notice this...know it is the mind doing it. The body is just responding to its commands. Then take a big slow breath in and out. Release the stress through trembling, activity, walking, yoga, kick boxing if that works for you. Let this stress work its way out of the body before going back to the mind.

Notice the Mind in Stress Mode

Then still yourself and observe what the mind is doing. . Don't resist, struggle or actively try to stop the thinking...just see it as it is ...mind activity.  

Then continue to focus on  breath and connect to the moment you are in, the only time worth investing in. Allow...allow the body to relax, allow the mind to relax.

Do this not as a reaction to stress but as a proactive preventive measure for avoidng the damage stress can have on us.  Things are going to keep happening around you...life will continue to do what life does but instead of reacting in a harmful way to events, and memories...we can learn to respond with a committment to releasing both mental and physical tension from the body. The Stress Response will automatically shut off then. We will be on our way to better health!

All is well! 

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening. Kindle Edition

A Bit of a Grinch!

 And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with out ribbons! It came without tags!"
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store."
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Whoville they say,
That the Grinch's small heart Grew three sizes that day!

Dr. Suess

I am going to be completly transparent as I type on my new key board ( a thoughtful gift from my Step-Son) making oodles of mistakes...because the letters are not spaced the same way my old keyboard was.  I have to look down now to type instead of just letting my fingers go where they naturally would go in keeping up with my thoughts.  Any time I look up...I make mistakes lol. Anyway...I am going to be transparent in regards to how I feel right now!  The way I always feel on boxing day....RELIEVED!  

If I am completely honest...I have to say that I am not a big fan of this holiday, or at least what we have done with it! Sorry Cindy Lou....I am a bit of a Grinch.  I know I am not alone.  I know it is actually a very difficult time for many, many people.  And too often those who find  Christmas  challenging  are shamed for it being so.

Why Is it So Difficult?  

Because of the pressure of expectation, I believe. We have built Christmas up into something it was never meant to be, attached so much varying belief and tradition around it that we got lost in some collective  idea of "it" and suffer under the expectation to perform in order to keep up with this "idea." At least that is the way it is around me. Though I conform to this idea each and every year, it has never felt "right"  to me.

What is expected is pumped into us months before?...

Man it is hard to escape from this version of Christmas  in my part of the world...the signs are everywhere long before this one day of the year is near. These signs direct us into behaving a certain way as we are pulled along with teh herd. We have to be "merry" and happy at this time, even though the season tends to trigger trauma memories or if we suffer from depression.  We "have" to socialize and meet with other people, even though we have anxiety.  We have to gather in groups, even though it may be dangerous (COVID).  We have to connect with family and make nice, even though there may be trauma and dysfunction upon doing so.  We have to buy, buy, buy, buy the "perfect" gifts  for a few special  individuals, even though these individuals have too much and there is so many others not on our "special" lists that have nothing.  We have to cut down God's perfect creations and stuff them in pots in our living rooms and decorate them.  We have to adorn our houses like the "neighbors" do with sparkling lights so our eyes are drawn to them rather than to the brilliant stars in the sky. We have to bake and cook and consume an excess of food and drink, even though many go hungry, even though what we often eat is the flesh of other beings who were treated miserably. We then have to  choke the earth  with the discarded packaging, gift wrap, tissue paper, paper plates and  plastic utensils  that make our clean ups "easier".

 And why do we do all this? 

Because it is Christmas and what is expected of Christmas.  

And what is Christmas? 

Chist -mas...the mass for Christ.  Celebrating Christ and his amazing presence and teaching on this earth is something I am all for...but why do we have a mass, a special celebration,  for Christ on December 25th? ...Because the church told us it was his birthday.  

Well no one really knows when Christ was born...but some day had to be selected didn't it, if Christianity was going to flourish?  So the Julian calender came up with a date in early January and then later when Pope Gregory was competing with Paginism...he decided to use  the time that came around the pagan celebration of Winter Solistice to declare, in a sense, Christianity as the winner. The calender was actually changed, dropping 11 days from the original. 

So like many holidays...Christmas is a "man made" date orginally based on ego, not so much true spiritual motivation.  

I have to ask, would this be what Christ would have wanted...being the ascendent and fully evolved human/spiritual being He was, as He looked down at our celebration of it in His name? 

My heart says "no".

Christ taught Love, peace, joy, forgiveness and the givng of Self.  He did not teach that  someday we were to celebrate the birth of His teachings through the attachment of "things", buying,  or the giving of material gifts.  He did not teach that peace will be  found in crazy lineups at the grocery store or fighting over limited amounts of "objects" at the toy store.  The three wise men ,I am sure, did not shop at Amazon. He did not teach that true giving meant going into massive creditor debt.  He did not teach that gluteny, greed and over consumption would be "okay" on his Birthday. He did not teach that "love" was to be limited to a few "special" human relationships...and that expressing love would come from buying.

I know I sound like the Grinch...I do...and I guess, if I am honest ...I am to some extent like the Grinch. I am not sure if my head is screwed on right and yes, with my bunyans, my shoes are often a bit too tight...that could be the cause of my grichiness lol.  I do know that my heart is only "two sizes too small" when I ignore what my spirit is saying every year and continue to "conform" because of ego .  Even though I give...it doesn't feel like "true giving"...more like " socially pressured obligation". 

Part of me wants to steal Christmas from "Whoville"...I do...but as the Grinch discovered, that is not the answer.  Christmas is a mind set and we cannot fix others until we fix ourselves.  If we want to follow Christ's teachings for true giving, true Love, peace and joy all the year round we have to start by  removing these unwise traditions and beliefs not from others in "Who-ville" but from our minds. Remove ego's version of Christmas, ego's version of everything  and put it on a proverbial sled that will lead  us to higher consciousness:

Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

Then maybe we will see clearly what Christ was truly wanting us to see.

All is well.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Google Docs https://docs.google.com/document/preview?hgd=1&id=10yulrehQodGE7jqCt6AT0W_gclURWfo4q0HryBjTxVw

Money Talk

 Money is just another form of communication in this world, whereas affluence is a way of being; a mind-set that is based on relationships and co-creating. 

Erin Fall Haskell

Hmm! I want to talk about money.  

I know I know...it is not the most comfortable topic to write about.  There are many of us right now who feel somehow overpowered by it (spending a great deal of our mental energy worrying and fretting over a "lack of money")  but it is important, I think, to change the way we look at this "energetic currency" .   Our perceptions of it, derived from our limiting  beliefs, are often  what is holding us back and keeping us from expanding into prosperity.  

What is your relationship right now with money?  Do you feel, like I often do, that  you are struggling just to keep your head above water only to feel that someone or something  is always trying to hold your head down? What beliefs do you have about money? Do you see it as a good thing or a bad thing? Do you see scarcity or abundance when it comes to the amount of money available to all of us in this world? Who gets rich? Who stays poor? Are the rich evil  and the poor martyrs in this world, according to your belief system? Are you not living the life you want to live because of money?  Do you feel that all "your problems" would be solved if only you had more money? 

What if I told you...?

 Your perception of money is based on the reflection of your relationship with your self, your idea of self-worth, and self love. 

Huh?

What if I told you that if you beleive you do not have enough money, you actually believe you are not enough?  If you believe you need money in order to live a fulfilling life, you have given power to money because  you cannot see the power inside of you.  Do you actually believe money is more powerful than you, more powerful than the God that made you? 

The truth is...you are wealthy even if you look at your bank account, like I so often do these days and see red. 

Your  Divine nature is that of true abundance, infinite progression, and ever-lasting co-creation.

You are prosperous and wealthy.  You just don't know it.  You are focusing your attention on what you, at this moment, may be lacking instead of what you have.  These limiting beliefs and this focus are in the way of you experiencing full abundance.

You have to realize another thing too...having money is not wealth.  Living a full life of peace and joy...that is true prosperity.  You could have a billion dollars to your name but if you do not have peace of mind...you are dirt poor! 

We also have to remeber that the Universe doesn't know the difference between giving and receiving.  So if you want to feel rich...give....and it doesn't have to be cash you give  Focus on serving and helping others! That is what will make you rich in all ways. What you put out there with your thoughts, feelings and behaviours will come back to you tenfold.  But the thing is, even if it didn't come back to you...you would still feel so rich simply by giving. 

You do not need physical cash to live a fulfilling life...you just need "Divine cash".  And the bank where that can be withdrawn and deposited is in a loving heart.

All is well.

Erin Fall Haskell (2017) Awakening. Kindle Edition

In The Breath Before Reacting

 

The mind has the ultimate power to create, innovate, and thrive no matter the circumstance. You always have the election to focus on what is wrong or what is right.  You alwayshave the choice to hold onto resentments or forgive, moving onwards and upwards. 

Erin Fall Haskell

Christmas shopping is not going perfectly for me. lol I just got notice that a parcel I ordered for D. weeks ago, his gift, was cancelled.  It was like Yikes!!! Less than five days.

The amazing thing about this though is that I caught myself as soon as I felt the twinge of resistance in my gut upon first encountering the event-_--which was the reading of the email.  The "Oh No!" had already slipped from my lips but I heard it as merely a conditioned reaction and I did not fall into its trap. I just watched what was happening inside me and I did as Haskell suggests we do...take a deep breath between the "stimuli' and the " response to the stimuli".  That breath is what the Toa may refer to as the "breath of vacancy", what Tolle refers to as "presence".  It offers what Michael Singer in the untethered soul would refer to as the stilling of the  pendulum.  

Though we are conditioned to...we do not have to drool with every bell that rings. There is that spacious presence that exists between what Life presents on the outside and what the mind and body does with it.  It is in that space where we want to be. 

So I breathed and I asked myself , "Being that you have a choice here...how would you like to respond to this event?  With resentment, fear and sadness or with peace? "

I chose peace.  That one breath between the stimuli and the response gave me the opportunity to choose something different than ego reactivity. It also gave me the opportunity to change the trajectory of my thinking. If I staid in reactivity, I would have followed my mind  down a dark, panicky hill very fast. I would have felt like crap and in the long run...whether you believe this or not...my outside world would have presented more crap to me.

When I changed the focus from "Oh man another punch from the Universe" to "Oh wow!  Another lesson from the Universe." ...I didn't get resentful, upset...I was grateful.

My reactive thinking could have led to a snow ball effect of looking for memories and instances to prove how the Universe was against me...and I would have been left feeling like a powerless victim but instead, with this awareness and desire to choose differently, I immediately began to look for solutions. And D. might just get this gift for Christmas afterall. If not...he will get a picture of it and he will know it will be coming in shortly after Christmas. 

I know for certain, I am not the only individual out there effected by the complications of shopping on line during a pandemic. 

Beyond our control people...we need to just let it go.

(Excuse the typos from this imperfect being :)) 

All is well!

Surrendering to the Ebb and Flow

 

Surrender to the ebb and flow and honor the parallel coincidences and paradoxes life offers.

My heart is broken right now!  As I mentioned I wrote and did up a little children's book for my grand daughter.  All her Christmas gift was centered around that book.  I was so excited about it.  Though I could have chosen a much more cost effective printing company to print it...I chose a company I have published with before because they gauarantee a 4-5 business day printing time, which would mean that ...even though shipping can be be unpredictable at this time of year...the book was guaranteed to be en route to me in plenty of time for Christmas ...if that is...it got printed in that time frame.  

It was not.  It took  over eight business days/over ten days to print, instead of five  and was not shipped out until Thursday.  Not only that it was sent by courier in a round about way to here, meaning extra stops, extra shipping time.  I created and ordered two other books the day before and they will be here by the 21st....which I originally  calculated this one to arrive at , otherwise I would have chosen a different printer!  My tracking information showed up today for this most precious gift, however, and it will not be here until the 29th!  I literally cried! 

I am trying to do Christmas differently...less focus on gifting and buying and more on giving from the heart.  This was a gift from the heart ...a heart that is now allowing disappointment and resentment to fill it. How Christmassy is that? 

My first response after I resisted and cried out "Oh No!  This can't be!" was one of blame and anger.  I immediately went to the help site offered by this company and told them how disappointed I was.  I told them I would never do buisness with them again. Then I spent a good ten minutes seeking evidence for my perceived injustice.  "Where on the site did they gauarantee this?  In which way are they luring customers in with false or vague promises?  Where is the small print that protects them while they offer what seems like assurances at the expense of the customer? I found all that I was looking for that proved a breech in contract  and I stewed some more.  Out of this precious day I spent about 20 % of it so far stewing in resentment, grief, disappointment  and reactivity to a little life circumstance beyond my control!  20 % of a day is too much to spend on negativity.  Heck 2 % is...isn't it?

Ironically, today I was also reading in Heskell's book about victimhood and judgment. 

What could I  have done instead of jumping into reactivity after seeing the tracking email?

The first thing I could have done was simply take a breath. Breathe in deeply what the universe just presented me...and breathe out resistance or attachment, releasing any judgment I have of that thing or event...neither good or bad,  right or wrong...just is! 

Recognizing the resentment, holding onto it just for a brief second, owning it as something in the mind only,  watching and then putting aside the ego's tendency to prove that someone or something 'out there' is responsible for the negative emotions I am suddenly feeling as a result to negative thoughts about this event are the next courses of action to take.

I can breathe in and out again. 

I can see what is before me...whatever it is as a blessing or a lesson.  This looks like a lesson from the universe that is constantly trying to get me to evolve into higher consciousness and it is such a simple little lesson compared to the others I am getting through right now.  :) Be grateful for it!

This lesson is taking me to the practice of choice.  I can choose what I focus my attention on. 

Do I choose the prison of "victimhood" and "suffering" or do I exercise the power of choice, my ability to free myself from this mental trap? I choose freedom.

Do I choose to stay stuck in negativity here as I spend precious moments proving my right to be upset or do I focus my mind on the positive I want in my life?I want peace!!! My major Life  goal!!! 

Do I choose resentment, blame, attack and vengeance here then or do I choose forgiveness?  Resentment does not bring peace...forgiveness does.  This company and the people who work in it are human and humans make mistakes, are stressed under the pressure of demand this season provides.  I can focus my attention on  the people like me, like you who work there rather than on  the company as a whole. I can chose compassion and empathy for them  over self righteousness and finger pointing. 

Do I choose ego reactivity ( a striking out) or a response from a higher level of spacious consciosness (expressing my disappointment in an honest way without the need to make others hurt or pay)?  I reviewed my note and though I expressed my disappointment and honestly told them I probably would not deal with them again, it was not venegance seeking or hurtful.  Just honest. Somehow response came out of me even though I felt reactive inside.

Do I focus on the problem at hand that seems I have no control over or do I focus on the possible solutions? Can I get it published somewhere else in time? Can I go back and see what it would cost to have that book sent priority and how long it will take? Can I just wait for the book to come in and offer a pic of it in the Christmas gift...added suspense.  

Do I focus and cling to the idea of what I thought this book would bring or do I let the idea go? What I expected the book to bring was just an idea like all expectation.  It was not real.  My life, my peace, my happiness is not in the future ...is not on hold until Christmas morning.  My Life is right here, right now. Hmmm!

Do I continue to focus on what is not seemingly working in my life or do I focus on what I want?  Do I focus on scarcity or abundance?  Positive occurences or negative? Despair or joy? Fear or Love? Hmmm! 

As Erin Fall Haskell asks:

Are you ready to focus on what you want to create in your life and let go of regret, sadness, and past events? 

I am grateful for the delay in this book for it offered  a lesson I think I am passing.  I see myself progressing in this Life 101 course. 

You realize that the only thing that can keep you suffering after an event has occurred is your own mind.

All good! 

Erin Fall Haskell(2017) Awakening. Kindle Edition

 Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there's nothing left to take away.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

SIGH!

 God is an unutterable sigh, planted in the depth of the soul.

Jean Paul

SIGH!!!!

Now that sigh is not a big pathetic "Oh Woe is me" sigh...it is simply a sigh of release.  In the beginning of my yoga classes I always get the students to breathe in deeply and release the day's accumulated  tension with a big sigh. It is very effective in bringing a more relaxed mind and body to the mat ...try it! 

So right now I am sighing as a lot of accumulated tension is released from my body and mind.  My sister is good.  Type 2 infarct, the same my other sister had, little damage done.  She is back in the hospital here and has one more "body" obstacle to get thrugh before her real healing challenge begins. So much relief knowing that she got through the last obstacle .  She is on her way. Sigh!

There is also some relief in knowing that I can't do anything about any of it.  I have no control here of her body, her wellness, her choices.  As she so often puts it, this is hers and she will handle it.  All we need to do is love her where she is  on any step of this journey  she is on. I can do that.  Sigh! 

I have released so much accumulated self pity with my whining here the otherday and that in itself was a sigh. Though I feel bad about complaining (This dang bracelet is moving back and forth like a helicopter propeller!) and thinking/negatively about other people (it is not my intention to hurt anyone)...

I feel more in my body and in my mindright here and now tahn I have in a while.  I therefore feel peace. Sigh!

Please note: I cannot seem to be able to correct my typos on the spot...please excuse. Sigh!

This sigh feels good.  Whenever I can just shed some of this weight...even just a bit that I seem to be carrying on my shoulders I feel thewonderful effect of a good sigh!

God is being released from the hiding place in my soul.

All is well! 

The Antithesis to Empowerment

 People sit around complaining,  ranting, and raving, falling into a pity party of victimhood, as if it solves a problem. It is the antithesis to empowerment.  It is like a virus that takes hold of the psyche, dis-empowering and 'duping' the self into believing it is different, seperate, and alone. 

Erin Fall Heskell

Worried

I am sitting here full of different emotions and feelings, while a mess of thoughts and images run in my head.  My sister was transfered to the Regional Hospital where she will have a cardiac procedure done today...an angioplasty and stenting.  I worry about her because she has so much else going on and though this procedure is done so often and so successfully on many people...she is a high risk because of her history with pulmonary emboli.  Want nothing but good thoughts sent her way...yet my mind won't obey.  Sigh!  

From Snowball to Avalanche

Right now I am having a hard time taking myself away from thinking about my external world circumstances.  I feel like I keep getting pulled back into them. This snowball starts rolling down the hill of mind pulling so many memories from my past up with it until it becomes an avalanche I am smothering under.  Yuck!  This is what one would call being lost in thinking. The mind is something that can wreak havoc when we let it run the show.

Anyway...I am remembering my past with my sister...the struggles, the trauma as well as the laughter and beauty.  I am remembering her pain then and how it accumulated into this big avalanche for her too...how we all spent so many years trying to dig her out of it, feeling worried, terrified, judgmental, angry, resentful  and frustrated until finally most of us were too exhausted to do anything but love her where she was. Maybe that is the best thing we could have done.  I don't know.

Whining and Self Pity

When I am lost in thinking...the whiny little selfish me pops up too to add to the drama.  This whiny little selfish me  reminds me of my own situation...how I not only was not heard in my attempt to say, "There is something going on in my family!"  I was shamed, left without support and resources, lost so much and yet I had to stop seeking validation because I was so afraid it would hurt the others I was trying to protect. I stopped seeking help for the chest pain and other symptoms because I  was so sure it would set the family back if they got caught up in the assumption made about me and because I just couldn't endure the shaming anymore. I gave up.   So right now I have  fifty dollars in my account and I have no idea how I am going to survive...all because people didn't believe me when I said..."I am sick and I think I know what this is." 

Then I feel guilty. Maybe if I didn't stop pushing...maybe the others would not have had to have their heart attacks.  And what about my children? Will they be taken seriously if this shows up in them?  I don't know.

Guilty!

Then I feel so, so guilty about thinking about me in this situation rather than my sister.  I did have a lapse into selfishness  with every family member that had a cardiac issue.  When my sister died of a SCD at 45, and I got through the grief, I thought about me.  I presented first with the chest pain and crazy pulses.  She had the same. I made a connection then...this is familial!  Then when my brother had his issues and had to be emergency cardioverted one day...I thought about me.  It sounded like what I had been complaining about for years previously.  Then when my sister who is a year older than me had her infarct out of the blue, ..I thought about me.  And when the third  sister had her cardiac crisis requiring stenting two years later., I thought about me.  When my oldest brother had his MI, a year after that ...I thought about me...(ironically his MI was happening the very same time I was putting an end to my fight for my  truth , help and financial support....the very same time.  I was being texted with the news but unable to answer my phone because of the meeting I was in that was  required to put an end to my 24 year plea for "Help! Please hear me!" ).  Everytime I thought of me, I recalled the shaming I experienced and I shamed myself further into deep guilt  for including myself into this group who had the validation. A group, I knew, I couldn't be a part of. 

No Power in Victimhood

A million  tiny little violins are playing all over the world right now, aren't they?  My mind is taking me on one long self pity trip into nowhere, isn't it?  I am letting it. Infact, I am almost enjoying this "Self-pity" attack. 

Why do we think that professing our "victimhood" will  give us power?  It doesn't.  It does the opposite. It is the stripper  of power.  My power would never come from my seeking help as a victim to this condition that is so real to me, if not to others, nor will it come from expressing myself as a victim to the unfair opinions and judgments  from others.  

Power: It is what it is and that is that!

My power comes in me letting go of my need for external validation and support, my need to be a victim to others. Struggling against the assumption made about me and its consequences  only stripped me of power and made me smaller and smaller and smaller. Surrendering gave me something so much more important than external treatment for this condition, an income, or a longer life.  It gave me peace of mind and awareness of what is really important. I wouldn't trade that for anything! I really wouldn't.

I can't beat myself up for these lapses into "me" thinking and self pity, either.  There is still some trauma residue inside me that has to work itself out of me.  That will  take time and kind patience on my part.  If I can remove the story around them and just experience those old emotions and the newer feelings as they emerge...they will trickle right out of  my body and my mind. 

And I can then get back to redirecting my focus to sending good thoughts to those who need it the most.

All is well. 

Inspired by Tears

 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Kahil Gibran

Hmmm!  I am not sure what to write about but as soon as I opened up to this blank page I felt all those old emotions knocking gently on the inside of the windows of the soul...could feel a collection of tears up against the back of my eyes.  Just like that.  

Grief? Sadness? It isn't an urgent demand for release, that I am feeling, more like a peaceful request for a trickle..non demanding, easy, gentle.  

Hmmm! I am worried about my sister and others  and I am worried about myself...well this "little me" version of self and how this "me' is going to keep coping with these external demands of my life.  

Worried?  That doesn't even sound right...whatever I am feeling is probably more of a letting go of worry.  It is like a surrendering to what is...yeah.  That is what it is. It isn't worry.  It is a surrendering of my need to fix all, control all, be heard and validated....things I have clung so tightly to for so long.  I am not my circumstances.  I am not my past. Though there is a certain sadness, there is a freedom to this trickle ...a sense of healing and relief.

I still have so much "Trauma" stuck inside me...in knots...and with each of these surrenders, these minature releases, those knots start to unravel. It is bitter sweet. 

My sister's situation not only brought up my concern for her but it brought up memories of  our history together. A lot of different unprocessed trauma started to unravel in me.

A need for healing is inspiring me to go back to the books I have written.  To finish my novel based on my other sister's story.  To go back to "Diary of an Interesting Patient" and revamp it so I can send it out again. These books were written to help me heal.  So powerful was this inspired need for healing of my health seeking wounds that I wrote "Diary..."  in under four months. It just poured out of me, or through me...whatever this strange process involves. 

My sister's story is the biggest challenge ...it brings me right back and I have been avoiding going to it.  I have 60,000 words...would like another 20-30 and a completed first draft with a  well rounded story by February first.  I will commit to that.  I have someone in the industry who offered to read it .  I might take him up on that.

Hmmm!  All is well in my world.  

Sick of Feeling Powerless?

 

The issue with complaining is that when you pretend to be the effect of a circumstance or person, you designate the cause to be out in the world, and become powerless. 

Erin Fall Heskell

I am sick of feeling powerless. 

I got a call for a mammogram a few days ago and it blew me away.  It shook me up for several reasons.  First of all...it brought me back to memories of that powerless state. 

I also could not get it into  my head that it would be almost a year since my last one by the time this appointment comes. I can't get over how fast "time" as we know it passes. 

It also forced me to realize that  I have had this issue for 14 months now.  This time last year I had just seen the surgeon and she ordered a mammogram I just couldn't seem to get.  Was denied twice. Then I finally got an appointment that got quickly cancelled once a particular person  found out and I had to wait over Christmas for "complicated case day".  The only thing making it "complicated", I discovered, was that the women scheduled that day had to be lectured on why mammograms and MRI's should not be ordered because they lead to a whole series of events that cost the department, and the province time, energy and resources.  I actually walked away from that appointment, with obvious concerning changes,  apologizing and feeling bad for being a part of that inconvenience.  That is until I  shook my head and realized the absurdity of it. 

And that is on my mind when I get the call. OMG...I have to go through this again! Is this going to fall on another "complicated case day"? Like really? 

When I was asked about changes...I went blank.  Do I tell her about the only time I palpated in the last ten months and I found that area in the underarm?...I told the surgeon, I don't have to tell her? Do I tell her about the pain? If I do will this complicate this and lead to another run in with this individual? I ended up saying, "It is as it was"...whatever that means lol.

I guess they will see on the mammogram if anything is or isn't there. Hmmm!

I am complaining!

I am switching my bracelet over to the other wrists as I tell myself to refocus on the positive here...There is goodness in all individuals even when they are confused about what is important. I focus on that! There is blessing  in every situation too. I focus on that! 

Even if this ends up falling on another "complicated case day" , it will  still be good for me and other women.  It will be the last one they will ever have there. 

All is well!

Complaining?

 Imagine who we would be if we were complaint free.  If only one percent of the population was complaint free, we would have the courage to love.  I think war would be laughed out of the room.  Just imagine, people would speak kinder to each other.  We would care more about the children. We would love everyone...Black, Jewish, the chinese, the homeless, your neighbor. We would no longer blame anyone.  We would touch each other.  It would be the beginning of paradise.  Nothing can dim the light which shines within.

Maya Angelou

Hmm! I put a bracelet back on my wrist, the  one with the buddhist tassle.  

I kind of put aside my committment to the complaint free challenge a few months ago  and that was obvious with how much I complained, how negative I have been, and how I had summed my life experience up to being "problematic" over the last couple of weeks especially.  I read Day 15 of Heskell's book today and it was entitled "Complaining". Go figure!  It kind of reminded me of how I was living in a complaining, fault finding mind and how disempowering that was.  I also ironically listened to Eckhart Tolle talk about Dealing with anger, resistance and pessism and yep...it was like I received a gentle nudge from the universe this morning.  "You are slipping off the track my dear...get back on".  I am so grateful for that!

So what is the most important step into a Complaint Free World? Being aware of the negativity in our heads and what is coming out of our mouths. Sure I have some challenging situations to deal with...but I was definitely "fault finding" and complaining. And that does absolutely nothing but make Life more challenging than it has to be for me and the people around me. . . I don't want that!

Other steps we can take:

• With compassion, patience and understanding we can look at our selves and others who complain as being sick with a contagious illness of conditioning, expressing a  sense of inadeqaucy, fear, frustration and powerlessness through the complaining. Sure...it isn't healthy and something we definitely want to change but it will require care and time and lots of practice to overcome this ailment.  We need to be easy on ourselves and others as we make this change.
• Begin to change our focus from one of complaining, to one of finding solutions. Instead of feeding the ego's need to complain and do so behind the individual's back, we can open up honest dialogue with the individuals involved.  I did that this week and it was very very healing! Instead of focusing on what Life is doing to you...try focusing on what can be done about it.  Remember that serenity prayer. 
• Change the negative focus on fault, to a focus on gratitude.  If it is another person we are building a case against, we can become the defence attorney rather than the prosecutor...we can build up a case for the person. That doesn't mean we deny the behaviour or the choices that are destructive,  we just seek things to be grateful for in that relationship because gratitude is so much more healthy and wise than resentment and fault finding. Maybe all we will find on honest reflection is something like, "I am grateful that they showed me, through their destructive choices and treatment that it is not wise for me to stay here; I am grateful that they challenge me so I step beyond my ego etc." For every fault there is usually a blessing...in a person or circumstance.  Find the blessing and feel the grace of gratitude replacing the unease of resentment.
• In stead of taking on a 21 day challenge...maybe we can start with a 24 hour.  Get through 24 hours without complaining  and revel in that amazing accomplishment.  Then try another 24 hours.

I have so much to be grateful for:  

• Though it looks like my sister may have infarcted ...she is doing well.  She has someone I trust and  would want as a health care  provider looking after her. She is stable and waiting further diagnostic testing to determine if it is a type 1 ( clot/blockage) or type 2( ischemic event from decreased cardiac output/ spasm etc) 
• I can seperate my situation from hers and find great peace in that. I am no longer subconscioulsy attempting to bring up my past situation so I have more to complain about. I can focus on "her situation" without complicating it with the drama of my own
• I have expressed my rights and needs to others I was complaining about regarding our living situation  in a calm, assertive  way and they appear to be following through.  I see effort and I am so very grateful for that effort.
• Though the relationships and individuals that have seemed to leave me rattled are far from perfect, they have their value, beauty, greatness, worth and I seek to focus on that.
• I am finding peace in this body, this mind right here and now.

All is well.

Erin Fall Heskell (2017 ) Awakening. Kindle Edition

Eckhart Tolle (April 2012) Dealing with Anger, Resistance and Pessism. https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=aqX5IFKYFWk&list=PLFRD1JaRnRK5UxuvUvUrR3IrrAwlCof4l&index=17

Problematic life?

 You do not have a problem except the one that is in your own mind and you put it there.

Mrytle Filmore

I apologize right off for my personal truth letting yesterday. I am so transparent it isn't funny and that is okay for me. I just see things as they are, I tell it like it is etc.  I have no desire to hide, or protect.  I have no secrets.  But.... I sometimes bring others into my truth letting when they may not be ready for such transparency. And I have to catch myself.  I may be okay with vulnerability and exposure (to some degree), they may not be. I see us all as one big human experience popping up in different forms...they may still see themselves as seperate, alone and therefore needing the protection of cover in whatever form it comes in.They may not appreciate me mentioning them as part of my story.   Hmmm! 

I also have a tendency to connect other experiences to my own. My ego saw itself in yesterday's experience...brought me back to some unhealed trauma and some story in my mind that I am still caught in, even if I did so much healing in that area. So I apologize for that as well.

I have been overwhelmned with "problems" in the last couple of weeks...and yesterday's situation just added to an already full plate.  I thought for sure I was going to drop that plate as I wobbled around with it and it was going to smash into a thousand pieces...making a mess that I would have to clean up cuz there seems to be no one willing or able to help "me"around here.  (How's that for melodramatic?).  I am overwhelmened by circumstances and I am succumbing once again to this idea that my life is problematic.  It is only when I am walking in the woods, meditating or knitting or doing yoga these days that I am able to create that necessary space between Self and this "idea" of being caught in a problematic life situation. 

I say to myself over and over these days, "I created this mess!  How on earth then do I decreate it?"

It starts with taking a deep breath, grounding back into my body and getting out of the mind where problems exist. I keep saying as I do in my yoga practice, "In this body, in this here and now." It helps. 

I have to take responsibility for any idea I have a problematic life because it is just that...an idea...an idea I put in my mind. 

I have to keep finding that space and operating from there rather than allowing the mind and its ideas take control of my life. 

"In this body; in this here and now!"

All is well.

 

Story 

Inside  the cover of  your mind lies the  beginning pages  of your story,

filled with "sound and fury", yes, but sometimes filled with  glory.

It is an epic in which  you write about your life as the hero, " little me"

who sets upon the path of righteousness, one fillled with future and history.

Round and round the story spins, getting more and more captivating

as you forever  stumble and redeem yourself in this quest  you are creating.

The evil doers multiple, their actions become more and more commanding

as the victim's cry for help and rescue becomes increasingly  demanding.

Depite the editor's request for  revision, heard somewhere beyond the thought

you cannot drop the word or page count, in this drama you are caught. 

You fill the pages with with "they" and "them" and  what was done  to you;

you justify your suffering as a response to tests you are endlesly  put through;

you draw your sword and hold up your shield in the climax of this plot,

cliging to this suffering, this heroic chivalery  with everything you got.

For what would happen to this hero  if you let the story go? 

Without the pages will "me" disappear along with everything you know?

Could the end of  this drama be the end of  the reality  that you see

or could it be the opening in which your real Self is finally set free?  

©Dale-Lyn December 2020

Thirty minute poem written after listening to the linked video.  Far, far from perfect...I know... and I don't care. I just felt like I needed to plop it here. So, so much going on right now. in "my life" and "my" head..I do not have the time or energy to resist a creative impulse or to work on it.  It gets put down as it comes to me.  I am caught in a story I am not particularly liking right now. 

But still...

All is well. 

Eckhart Tolle (October, 2020 ) Awakening From Self-Talk. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Afn0NLgByo

Responding Positively to Stressors

You can blame others, speak of broken promises, expectations, victim stories, but the reality is nothing can cause stress except the way you think.  To take responsibility and respond in a positive manner no matter what occurs in life is a measure of how Awakened someone is.  That does not mean you keep putting your hand back into a flame that keeps burning you, or stay in any circumstances where negative reactions are inevitable.

Erin Fall Heskell ( Day 9, Awakening)

 I  woke up with a bad dose of resentment flue again. Changes are about to take place in my household that I didn't actively agree upon.  Changes I  have said no to others to because it involves having something I  don't want in this house. I fear it will also disrupt the serenity of the yoga  studio because it will mean constant tresspassing through it...and history tells me that the individuals have  not treated what could be viewed as  "my" space with respect and thoughtfulness to date. 

I want what this new venture will give the person who is taking it on...a purpose, hope, something to do...though it is not the project I would have chosen for anyone in his situation. Can I make peace with this? I wish I was shown the respect I deserve ( how egoic does that sound?) with a sit down discussion before the plans were made but without consulting me...all the equipment was purchased and is on its way.

The four R's that I have written about previously were activated and burning up inside me when I awoke this morning. I was resisting, repulsion collecting, and looking to "run away".  Ready once again to run out the door and leave it all behind... I caught myself and said, 

"Wait a minte.  This was your house, your space first.  Even if it is just a material thing and you are trying to eliminate the "My" and "mine" from your life and to allow and accept what life hands you...you are still in a clump of flesh that has certain rights and needs; you still are operating from a human mind that needs serenity in order to accomplish the task it is meant to be used for. Yes, this stress you are feeling is just a creation of your mind as a reaction to  the situations you are presently dealing with; yes, you need to   accept and allow what life offers you, yes-you need to  lose your attachment to things, consider the needs of others but you also need to consider your own needs and desires,  you also  need to look after your body, your mind and your spiritual evolution and be assertive in doing so. Put away your "righteousness" yes...but do not deny your right to have a better life. You  have a "right" ( if right is the correct word to use here or not)  to create the life you feel will best serve you and your purpose here." 

Sigh!!! And I know I am reacting to this because other big doozies of circumstance have landed on my lap and I am just so tired. Though I want "me" to dissolve, I still need some semblance of peaceful physical space to do it in. Responding in a positive manner includes looking after what is truely important to me...my peace of mind.

All is well!