Sick of Feeling Powerless?

 

The issue with complaining is that when you pretend to be the effect of a circumstance or person, you designate the cause to be out in the world, and become powerless. 

Erin Fall Heskell

I am sick of feeling powerless. 

I got a call for a mammogram a few days ago and it blew me away.  It shook me up for several reasons.  First of all...it brought me back to memories of that powerless state. 

I also could not get it into  my head that it would be almost a year since my last one by the time this appointment comes. I can't get over how fast "time" as we know it passes. 

It also forced me to realize that  I have had this issue for 14 months now.  This time last year I had just seen the surgeon and she ordered a mammogram I just couldn't seem to get.  Was denied twice. Then I finally got an appointment that got quickly cancelled once a particular person  found out and I had to wait over Christmas for "complicated case day".  The only thing making it "complicated", I discovered, was that the women scheduled that day had to be lectured on why mammograms and MRI's should not be ordered because they lead to a whole series of events that cost the department, and the province time, energy and resources.  I actually walked away from that appointment, with obvious concerning changes,  apologizing and feeling bad for being a part of that inconvenience.  That is until I  shook my head and realized the absurdity of it. 

And that is on my mind when I get the call. OMG...I have to go through this again! Is this going to fall on another "complicated case day"? Like really? 

When I was asked about changes...I went blank.  Do I tell her about the only time I palpated in the last ten months and I found that area in the underarm?...I told the surgeon, I don't have to tell her? Do I tell her about the pain? If I do will this complicate this and lead to another run in with this individual? I ended up saying, "It is as it was"...whatever that means lol.

I guess they will see on the mammogram if anything is or isn't there. Hmmm!

I am complaining!

I am switching my bracelet over to the other wrists as I tell myself to refocus on the positive here...There is goodness in all individuals even when they are confused about what is important. I focus on that! There is blessing  in every situation too. I focus on that! 

Even if this ends up falling on another "complicated case day" , it will  still be good for me and other women.  It will be the last one they will ever have there. 

All is well!