Inspired by Tears

 

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.

Kahil Gibran

Hmmm!  I am not sure what to write about but as soon as I opened up to this blank page I felt all those old emotions knocking gently on the inside of the windows of the soul...could feel a collection of tears up against the back of my eyes.  Just like that.  

Grief? Sadness? It isn't an urgent demand for release, that I am feeling, more like a peaceful request for a trickle..non demanding, easy, gentle.  

Hmmm! I am worried about my sister and others  and I am worried about myself...well this "little me" version of self and how this "me' is going to keep coping with these external demands of my life.  

Worried?  That doesn't even sound right...whatever I am feeling is probably more of a letting go of worry.  It is like a surrendering to what is...yeah.  That is what it is. It isn't worry.  It is a surrendering of my need to fix all, control all, be heard and validated....things I have clung so tightly to for so long.  I am not my circumstances.  I am not my past. Though there is a certain sadness, there is a freedom to this trickle ...a sense of healing and relief.

I still have so much "Trauma" stuck inside me...in knots...and with each of these surrenders, these minature releases, those knots start to unravel. It is bitter sweet. 

My sister's situation not only brought up my concern for her but it brought up memories of  our history together. A lot of different unprocessed trauma started to unravel in me.

A need for healing is inspiring me to go back to the books I have written.  To finish my novel based on my other sister's story.  To go back to "Diary of an Interesting Patient" and revamp it so I can send it out again. These books were written to help me heal.  So powerful was this inspired need for healing of my health seeking wounds that I wrote "Diary..."  in under four months. It just poured out of me, or through me...whatever this strange process involves. 

My sister's story is the biggest challenge ...it brings me right back and I have been avoiding going to it.  I have 60,000 words...would like another 20-30 and a completed first draft with a  well rounded story by February first.  I will commit to that.  I have someone in the industry who offered to read it .  I might take him up on that.

Hmmm!  All is well in my world.