The self-righteous scream judgments against others to hide the noise of skeletons dancing in their own closets.
-John Mark Green
Can you hear a lot of rattling of bones behind me?
Self- righteous
Man! I came off as so self -righteous yesterday, didn't I? As if I was the one that saved the day. Not!
I did nothing but report what I was hearing to whom I thought were the people who should know and I kept trying to convince someone to take the appropriate steps. His trust in his Dad was what saved him. In the long run...he did get the help he needed. He did and that is what is important.
Crisis from the Ultimate Refuge
During the crisis, Self was doing the directing, not my ego, thank God. It was more of a, " This is what is happening and what do we do next? " With every obstacle we encountered...I allowed my higher Self to take the reins, to make the decisions, to do the talking. There was absolutely no room for ego in those moments and therefore there was no resistance to the moment. I was operating from the refuge of intense awareness.
The resistance came after the crisis was over and my entry yesterday may reflect that.
It is so easy to point fingers, isn't it? Self-righteousness, blaming and judging is just one of many ways we seek "false refuge", according to Tara Brach. I was pointing a finger so I could escape from what I was feeling.
I didn't like the way I was feeling yesterday.
Confusion, Guilt and The Gut Feeling
I mean I was so relieved that this gut feeling I had over the last few months was validated. There was indeed a valid reason for my unease around him...though I had no idea at the time that he was having these thoughts about me. Though I tried to explain the reason for this unease through what was obviously happening in my external environment...the feeling was so intense it wouldn't go away! I beat myself up for that...for being suspicious "without reason" and yes fearful when there was no outright signs that I should be. It was such an uncomfortable three months for me ...I over reacted about everything.
I reported before how I was picking up this heavy and dark feeling or energy. I had no idea it was his. His paranoia about me prevented him from confiding in me or his Dad about his fears that I ( and others)was a threat to his life. He believed he was caught in a real dilemna...he needed to be near his Dad to feel safe...but there I was wanting him dead, in his mind. He was terrified, angry and resentful of me obviously and when I confronted him with what seemed to be passive -aggressive behaviours he would politely apologize, explain and withdraw further.
And that would confuse me even more, "What's wrong with me for feeling this way then?"
Now I know that my gut was very, very active picking up something very real that my mind didn't. I like being "right" lol. But then as soon as I revel in the proof of my powerful gut instinct, I immediately feel guilt because my sense of validation came with the realization of just how sick someone was. How could I revel in that?
Pointing a Finger at self
So yesterday I was feeling this guilt, on top of this genuine concern for him. I was also feeling angry at myself for not picking up these signs of psychosis earlier. "I know better. I should have been able to pick those up so he didn't have to suffer for three months...so I wouldn't have done the "tough love" thing of sending him down there."
Man...how did I think the delusions he had when he first came down after his last bad high in October...miracoulsously went away when the drug did? When he said he felt better...I should have looked into a little farther. I kept rationalizing: "Well, they sent him home an hour after he was admitted back then so they must have thought it was nothing of concern...and he was acutely paranoid then. He just had a severe, prolonged reaction to the last dose. He is all better now."
At the same time there was some obvious paranoia but I chucked that up to being because of the excessive amount of marijauna he was doing as part of this "harm reduction". I did not see the psychosis. I kept saying, "This isn't right!' but I couldn't put my finger on it. Man...I missed it when it was right under my nose!
And yes there was some mild PTSD there...that was F*&^%#$% stressful! Trying to talk someone down in that state ...by text...not fun! Discovering that you , yourself were at risk for three months ...a bit scary too. His sick mind would have done what it had to to defend itself against me. I know that now. He had the resources to do harm and he truly believed I was a threat to his very life. Oh man! How does a person miss that?
Forgetting and False Refuge
So not liking the way I felt when all this came to light...I sought refuge in my self righteousness, of pointng out a broken sysem. It was simply a way of escaping my moment of intense feeling.
So in a moment of intense feeling yesterday I forgot presence and my center...and I went tramping after ego again. I decided my moment was not something I wanted to be in so I escaped into external focus on what went wrong in that experience and what is wrong with this system. Don't get me wrong...I truly beleive the mental health system needs some serious improvements. Focusing on what is broken, however, does not lead to better access. Only focusing on solution does that. All the individuals we dealt with regarding this issue...regardless of how they may have come off...are doing what they are doing because they want to help. Even if they slip away sometimes and forget what they are there for...that intrinsic goodness is still there. We are friends-may they be happy! Tapping into that is part of the solution.
And seeking false refuge in ego ways does not lead to peace of mind. I did not feel better for very long after I wrote that.
Real Refuge...Remembering
I felt better when I was able to center myself again, slip into the moment...recognize what I was feeling and experiencing...allow it...investigate it farther and nurture myself regardless. I needed to forgive myself ...not point fingers at others...for my feelings. After I sat in stillness, focused inward and went through RAIN I felt what I wanted to feel...peace. I remembered the healing beauty of presence.
It is all good. Thanks Tara Brach.
All is well in my world.
Tar Brach ( January 8, 2021) The Three Refuges-Getway to Awakening.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7me06krhVNg
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