Something Wrong?

 

Always trust your first gut instincts. If you genuinely feel in your heart and soul that something is wrong, it usually is.

Unknown?

Hmmm!  There Life is again, in front of that classrom in my mind, scribbling notes on the white board...like me she has terrible penmanship.  I can't quite make out what she is teaching...but I am going to trust in her wisdom and her concern for me. 

I may not understand all of it but I can make out the major point Life is making:  I need to surrender to what is and step back from a situation that was very unhealthy for me and the people around me.  My desire to "help",  though based on genuine concern and compassion, was not healthy.  It was not wanted and possibly not needed. It drained the h#$$ out of me but it did so little good in the long run for others...possibly putting me at greater risk.  Unfortunately, stepping back from this will also mean I have to step back from my relationship, at least for a while. 

I tried to help someone I truly care about both with their addiction and their psychosis. I seen a problem and I seen a solution that few were going towards. I knew it wasn't going to be easy...by no means... but I could see recovery happening if the "whole picture" was evaluated.  No one wanted to know what I knew, to see what I seen  or to hear what I had to say. And I didn't know how much to push...or if it even was my place to push or to make others see. Even when "safety" was an obvious issue...I would attempt to share, to make others hear...but they just couldn't or wouldn't...and I was reminded again and again of my place. The person I wanted to help saw what I was doing as interference and was angry and suspicious of me as a result, almost to the point of being vengeful possibly.  

At the same time it was assumed I should put away my needs, put aside what I knew and take this person in....to "help" in the way that was easier for others...even if it was definitely  not helping in the long run ...least of all me. They did not see the whole picture...they refused to see or hear how sick this individual really was, even when I stated over and over again I have evidence to back up this deep internal knowing I got going on! 

So I made a decision, when he was released today,  to step back and walk away regardless of the consequences.  I walked away from my desire to "help" ...I walked away from this person...and possibly away from others as aresult of walking away from him.  I wish him well...I truly do.  I wish all around him well too.  I just cannot do it anymore. I'm done with this. 

Others may want me to feel shame and guilt here for abandoning someone in need...but I don't and I won't.  I have done more than most, sacrificed more than most to "help" someone who did not want the help I offered.  Now I say, "No more".   It is wrong!

I do not have a good feeling about what the "outcome" of this will be.  I have dark and painful knot in my gut when I think about it.  This will not be good! But I can't make people hear that if they don't want to.  

I tried.  I tried hard.  It is now beyond me. I let go.

All is well.