An overloaded boat is easily capsized by wind and waves. Lighten your load, and your boat will travel more quickly and safely.
Thich Nhat Hanh
I feel my boat capsizing and I need to lighten my load.
I tried to meditate a few moments ago after a case conference that left me feeling a mixture of intense emotions: frustration, desperation, anger, lost, confused, and very fearful. I was reacting to perceptions that I made about the discussion. Those judgments, perceptions, thoughts included: "I am not being heard", "My fears are not being taken into consideration", "It doesn't matter what I say", "I am being bullied and railroaded in the kindest and subtlest of ways", "I am not articulating well enough," " I wish I was given more time to prepare for this," "I cannot mention some of the things leading to this concern in front of his parole officer...criminal offense", "They really, really don't know what is going on here...how can I tell them," It wouldn't matter anyway...so I will just lie and say I am not concerned about my safety...make it about him instead. Maybe they will hear that. ", "OMG...I am lying!", " I am not the psychiatrist...what do I do know", "I wish I could believe her...I wish that they knew all the things on that list he shared were things I heard a million times before," " I am glad they cannot see me trembling here...my gut instinct about this is so so loud right now"" I can't understand why I am having such an emotional reaction to this.", "I can't do this...why can't I just say...I can't do this!" "Would it matter if I did"..." I wish I thought enough about my self, my life, my peace of mind to say "no"...but it makes me feel so guilty and I want to help...I always want to help...I know that is why I am here...so maybe my life as "little me' is not important. I don't want to get lost in "martyr syndrome" but are we not all here to sacrifice...to do as Gandhi taught and did, "Give our life away". It would be for the "greater good' wouldn't it even if the level and driection of his fear puts me at risk? Maybe I am not at risk or ever was? I do care and I do want to help and support but what was happening here was enabling not helping. I can't go back to that if I truly want to help."
" Why can I not stop trembling. Why does this feel so "wrong" to every cell of my body?" "Why cannot I not speak or think clearly about this...I sound like a stupid egotistical and selfish child...when normally I am so articulate." "They think it is because I don't understand this type of mental illness...but I do. It goes beyond what they are seeing!!! I am so much brighter and more perceptive then I am coming off as I speak here. I can provide much better examples...if only I was given the time before hand to prepare. I may not know him like his Dad does....but I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN THEY DO!" "Listen to me!"
I tried to articulate and express...but I wasn't heard, I was dismissed ( kindly using the right communucation and attempts were even made to salvage my ego when I presume they assumed I was on an ego binge) but I wasn't heard! I just gave up.
Anyway...so feeling all these things inside me I rushed down to my yoga studio after teh call and did some quick vinyasa to bring me back down into my body and then to get this stuff out of my body. There was so much...I tried to meditate afterwards but monkey mind took over. I was even yelling at "Google" when she misunderstood my request for particular guided meditations. She interjected at one point ...out of nowhere...and said, "Mindfulness tip: something to the effect...watch your reactivity " I laughed at that and thanked her for the reminder. lol. Man I had to be told off by Google...for goodness sake. That is how reactive I was. And I thanked a speaker like I was thanking a fellow human being who brought me back to mindfulness.
There was such a ball of confusion inside me I couldn't make sense of anything...to even begin being able to sit with each thing that came up...you know? And I was so mad at myself for not loving myself enough...for not valuing myself enough...for not trusting myself enough to say..."I don't think you have the whole picture. I don't believe two weeks there made it all better...as much as you want to believe it did! He is sedated and numb but not better. This won't be good for him and this won't be good for me!"
I can almost see what it will be like...falling back into old patterns...I know that it will...and selfishly...I don't have the energy to do it again. Infact...feeling the way I feel right now is not going to be of benifit to him or anyone else around me, including me. I believe...and this is what kept coming up during my attempts at meditating...I need to step back and away from this picture somehow. I need to back off and away. I can support and care from a distance until we are both well and strong enough. Hmmm! I can't change the system. I can't change him. I can only chnage myself. I have to start by stopping beating myself up for my concerns, stop with the useless guilt. I know I have done a lot for that person ...a lot more than a lot would do. I truly care and want to help but help does not mean enabling or putting myself at risk safety wise, or health wise. Hmmm! Then I need to decide or allow the appropriate action come to me...in regards to what "my" stepping back means. That is the tough part.
So there is less of a tangle inside me now. I am still reactive for sure...when I think of how the history got to the unit...relayed as if others were the key players in his recovery and we were delaying his progress when we were the ones trying so desperately to get him help, attempting to activate the emergency system and the ones offering others the history to which they did not respond.
Man...that is all ego...what others think of me, what ever story they received as long as it was the information that was necessary to get him there and on the right track with the medication. How I came off to others during that conference...just ego again...my wanting to sound intelligent and on the ball...just ego stuff. Truth is what is important...and that is inside me whether it comes out or not...it is there.
What is also important is the well being of this loved one...and he is a loved one; the well being of all in my household and yeah...the well being of me. My well being is important too...I have to stop pushing my needs aside just becasue others are. (And I don't mean to sound like a victim there...just that we all often operate from our own narrow minded agendas and unconsciously eliminate those factors that may interfere with that agenda. My expressed needs and concerns were some of those factors.)
Man...I was going to say I have a lot of thinking to do...but I am going to rephrase that ...I have a lot of getting still and quiet to do...a lot of sitting with these feelings...and getting beyond them so the inspiration for right action comes to me. I need to lighten my load and that starts in the mind.
All is well!
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