Waking Up in a Busy World: 10,000 Joys; 10,000 Sorrows

Loving-kindness and compassion are boundless.

Thich Knat Hanh

Pouring!

I am not sure what is like for you, but when it rains in my busy world...it pours. If the stressors and the suffering I was witnessing and soaking up were not enough...yesterday ...what seemed to be left of my heart broke in two when my daughter lost her baby, a baby she was so excited about bringing into this world. And the saddest thing was...I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming.

Knowing

I kept having these intense feelings whenever she talked about the future or when she went out to purchase something like the crib, or she talked about what life would be like ...I found myself with that knot in my gut and I would say, "Just wait. It is early yet." Even after seeing the ultrasound videos with the healthy heart beat...the knot wouldn't go away.

And on Saturday, she came for a visit. She looked pale as she showed off her baby bump. She then sat across from me and she was talking about how upset she was that she had to put away her plans for a gender reveal party because of COVID. And that knot just got so strong in me. I said to her, "Let's not think of that yet. It is so early. Maybe you should not buy anything else or plan too much. Let's just see what nature has in store." She laughed it off.

On the way out she mentioned she had a bit of cramps...and I knew. When I got the call at 530 in the morning yesterday, I knew before I even said hello. She told me she was still having cramps. I told her to go into the hospital. She began to bleed on the way there. They did an ultrasound and baby was fine. Still I knew. I knew. They admitted her with the assurance that everything would more than likely be fine. But I knew. And at 8 PM she lost the baby.

I couldn't go to her...just like we couldn't go to L. in the middle of his psychosis becasue of COVID (and distance). All I could do is call and text for 15 hours. It was a heart breaking experience. I just felt her hope, her pain, her fear and I didn't know what to do to help her with it. So I sat where I was with my phone open and I grieved for 15 hours. I knew.

Grief: Being There

And when we got the news I wiped away my tears so I could be there for others. As much as I could be for others....that is.

I slept maybe 9 hours since the conference on Thursday...not more than a couple of hours a night. So my ability to relay story is a bit off...forgive me.

She is doing okay...remarkably. I am encouraging her to allow herself some time to grieve. I hope she does. I find myself, for what it is worth, grieving too.

Enough with the sorrows: Where are the 10,000 joys?

I am also looking back at what seems to be the 10,000 sorrows my family has been expereincing lately and wondering when the 10,000 joys are going to come our way.

Hmmm! They are already here, intermixed with the sorrows...coming and going....like waves against a shore.

Some of those 10,000 joys include:

my daughter's experience, even if it went so quickly, of having a life inside her
being able to witness the miracle of new life via ultrasound
how that brought her around to a different state of being for 14 weeks...joy, purpose and life just poured through her...it was beautiful to see
her partnership with the father ...how he stood by her, loving and grieving, supporting (they made an exception for him and let him in). It is a joy for me to see she has that in her life.
this precious baby...brought joy as well as sorrow
Love in all its forms...joy!
my children...when I see how they respond and connect to each other in good times and in bad...my heart fills with joy
there is so much laughter in this world even when we have to strain to hear it. I stuck my head out the door several times yesterday and listened for the laughter of chickadees. It brought me joy
being able to slip away from all the demands of the physical world to that peaceful center for a few minutes a day, even amist the chaos...joy
Lovely golden light coming through the window as I sat in meditation today...joy!
getting a call that meant that we would be getting help with a living situation for L. which meant maybe my relationship with his dad might not have to end....joy!
a walk in the woods on a crisp winter's day while the dogs run beside me...joy!
having a kind, respectful conversation with L. on the phone....being able to care and support without having to give up all that is important in my growing...joy!
awareness that inside me, inside all of us is this intuition...if we tap into it...that tells us things we may or may not want to hear but that is gentle and kind...there for the good of all...joy!
Seeing the love a father has for his child...even when he slips up...his willingness to pick himself up and go back to that committment ...joy!
seeing the people I love learn, and grow up through the challenges they encounter
being able to be there for the people I love...joy
recognizing that there is a bottomless well of compassion within us...even if mind tells us we are empty...joy!
this breath I take right now...joy!