"What can and is the human part of me to do until I completely realize Self? And what do I leave to the higher dimension where I simply am? Please show me. "
Hmmm! I am a little worn out from the stress of the last few days and the stress of the last few months. Though, I am somewhat ashamed to admit this(ego is still hanging around), it has taken its toll on me physically as well as mentally and emotionally.
The place where the "Gut instinct" resides, the so called "second-brain" of the body has spent the last 12 hours purging itself of accumulated toxins, most of which I believe were mental and emotional. Man was I sick and am now physically drained.
It was so funny...I could almost feel and envision this "dark, heavy" negativity leaving my body with every trip to the bathroom. I felt the pain of it coming and going like waves or contractions and I just rode the waves sensing that something was going to be cleansed of this or born of this. It was the weirdest thing. I was so physically ill but grateful for it at the same time.
Of course there could be a "rational" or "scientific" explanation for it but I have no desire to seek one. I just know after each trip...I felt lighter. ( Of course I am dizzy, brady, dehydrated and my electrolytes are probs completely out of wack...which could explain the way I feel lol.) Still...something happened to the stress I had been storing in my gut. The desperate need my body was experiencing to get me to hear the deeper wisdom it was trying to relay to me over the last three months...what I just couldn't seem to "get" ...left me. I feel cleansed.
It all started when I awoke in the middle of the night and I was thinking about all the suffering around me...I ws so acutely aware of the suffering of others and my own...and how powerless I felt, not sure of what "I" in this clump of flesh was supposed to do about it. So I prayed and I asked the above question...(I wrote a few months back about my take on the serenity prayer...and this line comes from my intrepretation of the last line. " ...and the wisdom to know the difference." ).
I wanted that wisdom.... to be able to get past the "story" I have been telling myself and others about this expereince, get past ego...to reclaim my center in the midst of this upset so I could see, think and act clearly. As soon as the words were uttered, the pain started and I knew it was going to be a sleepless night. For the first three trips...I was still stuck in mind...by the fith or sixth trip... I could feel the release...and by the 11th...the veil between me and Self was gone. I was a new person. I hadn't the energy to think or do...just to be. I found my center
Someone just called from down there where he was before being admitted to the hospital. And she was kind and supportive in her inquiry of how he was doing. She let me ramble...one last time :) and with that went the rest of my resistance, my distrust for the system, my fear of an unfavorable outcome. I gave it up to God. I felt releif.
And I am making this a me day, a "recovery" day. I am not doing anything except write here and a load of dishes. I am still in my PJ's. This physically drained feeling was exactly what I needed to "still" me so I could get back to the calm, peaceful center of home.
I will let the answer to the above question come, when it is ready, from there.
All is well.
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