It is in the act of having to do things you don't want to that you learn something about moving past the self. The ego.
bell hooks
Well! Well! The test is not tomorrow after all . The request was brought to the person of concern after my appointment was already booked and he said "No!" He will repeat an ultrasound sometime in the future and then "he" will decide if a mammogram will be needed! An ultrasound did not even recognize this mass the last time...it picked up a small complicated cyst and that was it! This is so, so bizarre...I know it is a great opportunity to learn but it is just too bizarre. I am dealing with ego where there is no room for ego! And my reserves for tolerance and forgiveness is maxed out! This is crazy! I am pissed!
I step away.
I am back after grounding with breath. On a brighter note...feeling angry, even though I do not want to stay here, feels a heck of a lot better than shame and fear. I didn't want to have to put any work into advocating for my own health but this anger pushes me forward to do so . I am getting all the information I can on the radiology protocol for diagnostic mammography/ ultrasound, on making and receiving a request for diagnostic mammography, on diagnostic criteria for complex vs complicated cysts (even though I know the cyst is only part of this...it is the only thing showing up on ultrasound), on ductal ectasia and ductal hyperplasia ( other benign conditions this thickening could be).
In the meantime, I keep checking to make sure that the mass is still there and that it is real so I don't slip back into the thought stream of thinking I am lying, making things up and seeking tests I don't need. I AM NOT!! My physician and a well renown surgeon at the provincial breast clinic have made this request twice!!! Not me...I just wanted to know what it was. I know for a fact I have not done anything wrong in seeking a diagnosis! I know the issue that is preventing me from getting what I need is mostly due to other egos and not just my ingrained belief. Whew!
I am gathering information not just so I make myself right but so that I can look at this objectively, respecting the guiding opinion of the other. Maybe I will discover that this is more than an egoic decision on his part. Have yet to discover that after all my reading but maybe I will before I am done here. :)
I am less angry, working on tolerance and forgiveness...seeing the person of concern as operating unconsciously as we all do from time to time. Ego and pain body can be very demanding captors in any of us. The need to be right can sometimes get in the way of seeing clearly even in situations like this.
I have to remember that this is a wonderful learning opportunity to get beyond my habitual way of retracting in such situations . I wonder if I am passing?
All is well.
Thursday, December 19, 2019
Belief and Well Being
Wellness is the complete integration of body, mind and spirit-the realization that everything we do, think, feel, and believe has an effect on our state of well-being.
Greg Anderson (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wellness-quotes)
Still Retracting
Man! Sometimes I am amazed at how, despite all my own growing and evolving, I retract back into a pathetic state of shame and fear when I have to advocate for my own health. My health seeking experiences in the past have been traumatic...trauma on top of trauma, wounding on top of wounding. That sounds so dramatic I know ...but that is the truth of my physical and mental world experience. There are scars clinging to me. Shame and Fear are the results of trauma tissue and it is hard to see beyond them when the scars gets poked. Every time I have to access the health care system...it gets poked. I retract back into that trauma experience...instead of expanding forward. Sigh....I have some work to do.
Healing Through Writing
I have tried to heal in many ways from trauma over the years and have come so very far. My healing usually involves writing and I have written books on transcending trauma. And I have written books on my experience seeking health...a series under the title: "Diary of an Interesting Patient" ...that have proven to be very cathartic. I have also begun writing a book and sending out proposals on improving communication in the health care system...on putting the "care" back in health care when relating to patients and each other within a team. (My inspiration for that book has come from years teaching Communications classes to heath care students as well as my own experience witnessing and personally being on the receiving end of this communications process. ) So writing definitely helped pull me so far into expansion. I am so grateful for that.
Warning: Long Personal Story Ahead
And, I warn you, that I am about to use the cathartic medium of writing to work some things out here. So you may or may not choose to read on as I relay a long winded "personal story" :) I do so, so I can get beyond it. I also hope it may help those of you who are among the many who have had similar experiences.
I have come so far
I have been able to expand beyond my perception of trauma through the spiritual work I have been doing over the years. I see how far I have come. It has been so liberating and wonderful ...taking me so far away from my retracted mode. I truly am evolving!
But....there is always a but, isn't there?
The Health Care System as a Trigger for Retraction
I still retract into an earlier stage of development whenever I have to access the health care system. If I have to step up and go beyond just expressing my signs and symptoms to someone, to actually advocating for myself...man... part of me retracts like a hand away from a flame. It is just a habitual reflex to become that little girl again that was never allowed to be sick.
It is not the health care system and especially not the people in it that causes me the "problem" accessing and advocating. It is my mind and an inherit belief system so ingrained inside me that says, "It is wrong for me...not anyone else...just me... to bother busy people with my problems. If I am going to bother anyone it better be for something damn serious and if it isn't serious enough there will be hell to pay!!" I reek of that belief when I deal with physicians especially.
As if I was manifesting expected responses because of my belief there was "hell to pay" over the years. In the later years, it came in the form of shaming. No one else may have been reduced to a shamed and frightened child by the reactions my health seeking received...but because of my past I was. For example, I once had an internal med sit across from me and call me a "liar" because I was telling him my sister's autopsy report said she died of a fatal arrhythmia. I sat thee in front of him as he called me this, more than once during that visit, feeling like a disobedient child. I had to go home and check to be sure that is what the autopsy said because I almost believed he was right. He wasn't.
Another told me I had a problem "seeking tests" I didn't need and wasting valuable health care resources unnecessarily and dangerously. I was having chest pain at the time (as well as joint pain) that would knock me down and heart rates dropping into the 30's and jumping up for no reason above the 200 range...I was so dizzy and tired some days I couldn't get off the couch. I never asked for one test...even though many were performed. All I wanted was to know what to do about it. But I was left to believe I was just making it all up and wasting resources.
During one emergency room visit when I had to take nitro almost a dozen times throughout the day ( it would work when I took it but the pain kept coming back) another internal med slipped a folded piece of paper in my hand as a diagnosis. I "googled" it when I was released home by him...as he instructed me to do. The diagnosis was "Fat Folder Syndrome."
It wasn't until I began to faint around the same time "more believable" family members started having observed issues with their heart rates (including V tach and atrial fib and flutter...fib and flutter showed up on some of my tests more than once but I was told it was just muscle twitching and artifact even though I was pushing the button recording symptoms at the time) and three siblings had infarcts in their 50's that someone said, "Well maybe she is telling the truth." And even then it was a big "maybe". My integrity was constantly being questioned because of the size of my chart.
Twenty-some years after my health seeking began, I was given three fairly minor diagnosis', each from a different specialist, that each by themselves mean nothing but together can explain my symptoms enough to get adequate treatment. But I really had to fight my way through shame and fear and the assumptions of others to get those. There is still enough external question and doubt about me having a "heart problem" that I prefer not to speak of it anymore. It was all too traumatic and exhausting as well as deeply scarring.
Sigh!
If my series, "Diary of an Interesting Patient," ever gets published, please read it. It is not as whiny as all the above makes it seem lol...It is actually more about the learning and the grace all this experience has provided me, taking me farther from ego and closer to God. :)
Of course....I have not healed completely...thus my relaying a long boring sordid history here. Even though it is all in the past and just "story", as true as it may be, I felt I needed to. Why?
Accessing And Advocating Again
Because once again I am needing to advocate for my health and this time I want to do it differently. I want to learn from my mistakes. I need to let go of my past experiences and the triggers that bring me back to retraction once and for all. I can use this experience to find a way to walk through shame and fear into Love for myself, the system and all those in it, and into a wellness I need to believe I deserve! I will not retract again! It just takes too much from my life experience when I do. I want to expand through this. :)
So...
I made a second call to the breast clinic ( and it was hard to get past shame and fear to do so but I did). I spoke to a nurse ( I love nurses! And not just because I used to be one lol). I said: "I am just wondering about this test that got denied ...I still have this thickening and am now having discomfort in the area." I stressed that "it is probably just ductal ectasia" but that I want someone to tell me that. She attempted to clarify by asking if I wanted the mammogram...and for a moment I slipped back to the accusation placed upon me years ago by the internal med who diagnosed me as a test seeker...and I nearly retracted and hung up...but I didn't. I grounded myself in breath and just said "I don't care if the mammogram ever gets done...I just want someone to tell me this is just ductal ectasia." She was very kind and understanding and spoke to the surgeon who is going to make a second request for a diagnostic left breast mammogram based on my reporting a change in sensation.
This is the very same thing my GP wanted done over a month ago. Imagine...going full circle, creating a month of shame and fear for me, and extra headache for an overtaxed system when it was all so unnecessary. Someone else's ego got in the way. Whomever won't be happy when I show up for this test if I am even permitted to. I anticipate that ego will feel the sting of needing to prove it was right and in order to do so someone will have to be wronged. It will likely be me. :) I will prepare myself for that. Sigh!
A Need for Healing
Anyway...it is what it is. There is no problem...just a need for healing. The only healing that I need to focus on...is not in the health care system or the individuals who work in it...but in me. I have to begin changing my own core beliefs around so I know I have a right to use this system...to know I am worthy of medical validation and care.
I, as all of you do, have a right to wellness. That wellness is much more than just having a lump diagnosed as nothing in order to give us peace of mind. It involves expanding beyond shame and fear into the life and the Love that is waiting for us on the other side.
All is well in my world!
Just got a call as I was finishing up this entry...the test is tomorrow afternoon. :) Now I don't know if I am more worried about something showing up or not showing up after all that lol. It will be as it is.
All is well!
Greg Anderson (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wellness-quotes)
Still Retracting
Man! Sometimes I am amazed at how, despite all my own growing and evolving, I retract back into a pathetic state of shame and fear when I have to advocate for my own health. My health seeking experiences in the past have been traumatic...trauma on top of trauma, wounding on top of wounding. That sounds so dramatic I know ...but that is the truth of my physical and mental world experience. There are scars clinging to me. Shame and Fear are the results of trauma tissue and it is hard to see beyond them when the scars gets poked. Every time I have to access the health care system...it gets poked. I retract back into that trauma experience...instead of expanding forward. Sigh....I have some work to do.
Healing Through Writing
I have tried to heal in many ways from trauma over the years and have come so very far. My healing usually involves writing and I have written books on transcending trauma. And I have written books on my experience seeking health...a series under the title: "Diary of an Interesting Patient" ...that have proven to be very cathartic. I have also begun writing a book and sending out proposals on improving communication in the health care system...on putting the "care" back in health care when relating to patients and each other within a team. (My inspiration for that book has come from years teaching Communications classes to heath care students as well as my own experience witnessing and personally being on the receiving end of this communications process. ) So writing definitely helped pull me so far into expansion. I am so grateful for that.
Warning: Long Personal Story Ahead
And, I warn you, that I am about to use the cathartic medium of writing to work some things out here. So you may or may not choose to read on as I relay a long winded "personal story" :) I do so, so I can get beyond it. I also hope it may help those of you who are among the many who have had similar experiences.
I have come so far
I have been able to expand beyond my perception of trauma through the spiritual work I have been doing over the years. I see how far I have come. It has been so liberating and wonderful ...taking me so far away from my retracted mode. I truly am evolving!
But....there is always a but, isn't there?
The Health Care System as a Trigger for Retraction
I still retract into an earlier stage of development whenever I have to access the health care system. If I have to step up and go beyond just expressing my signs and symptoms to someone, to actually advocating for myself...man... part of me retracts like a hand away from a flame. It is just a habitual reflex to become that little girl again that was never allowed to be sick.
It is not the health care system and especially not the people in it that causes me the "problem" accessing and advocating. It is my mind and an inherit belief system so ingrained inside me that says, "It is wrong for me...not anyone else...just me... to bother busy people with my problems. If I am going to bother anyone it better be for something damn serious and if it isn't serious enough there will be hell to pay!!" I reek of that belief when I deal with physicians especially.
As if I was manifesting expected responses because of my belief there was "hell to pay" over the years. In the later years, it came in the form of shaming. No one else may have been reduced to a shamed and frightened child by the reactions my health seeking received...but because of my past I was. For example, I once had an internal med sit across from me and call me a "liar" because I was telling him my sister's autopsy report said she died of a fatal arrhythmia. I sat thee in front of him as he called me this, more than once during that visit, feeling like a disobedient child. I had to go home and check to be sure that is what the autopsy said because I almost believed he was right. He wasn't.
Another told me I had a problem "seeking tests" I didn't need and wasting valuable health care resources unnecessarily and dangerously. I was having chest pain at the time (as well as joint pain) that would knock me down and heart rates dropping into the 30's and jumping up for no reason above the 200 range...I was so dizzy and tired some days I couldn't get off the couch. I never asked for one test...even though many were performed. All I wanted was to know what to do about it. But I was left to believe I was just making it all up and wasting resources.
During one emergency room visit when I had to take nitro almost a dozen times throughout the day ( it would work when I took it but the pain kept coming back) another internal med slipped a folded piece of paper in my hand as a diagnosis. I "googled" it when I was released home by him...as he instructed me to do. The diagnosis was "Fat Folder Syndrome."
It wasn't until I began to faint around the same time "more believable" family members started having observed issues with their heart rates (including V tach and atrial fib and flutter...fib and flutter showed up on some of my tests more than once but I was told it was just muscle twitching and artifact even though I was pushing the button recording symptoms at the time) and three siblings had infarcts in their 50's that someone said, "Well maybe she is telling the truth." And even then it was a big "maybe". My integrity was constantly being questioned because of the size of my chart.
Twenty-some years after my health seeking began, I was given three fairly minor diagnosis', each from a different specialist, that each by themselves mean nothing but together can explain my symptoms enough to get adequate treatment. But I really had to fight my way through shame and fear and the assumptions of others to get those. There is still enough external question and doubt about me having a "heart problem" that I prefer not to speak of it anymore. It was all too traumatic and exhausting as well as deeply scarring.
Sigh!
If my series, "Diary of an Interesting Patient," ever gets published, please read it. It is not as whiny as all the above makes it seem lol...It is actually more about the learning and the grace all this experience has provided me, taking me farther from ego and closer to God. :)
Of course....I have not healed completely...thus my relaying a long boring sordid history here. Even though it is all in the past and just "story", as true as it may be, I felt I needed to. Why?
Accessing And Advocating Again
Because once again I am needing to advocate for my health and this time I want to do it differently. I want to learn from my mistakes. I need to let go of my past experiences and the triggers that bring me back to retraction once and for all. I can use this experience to find a way to walk through shame and fear into Love for myself, the system and all those in it, and into a wellness I need to believe I deserve! I will not retract again! It just takes too much from my life experience when I do. I want to expand through this. :)
So...
I made a second call to the breast clinic ( and it was hard to get past shame and fear to do so but I did). I spoke to a nurse ( I love nurses! And not just because I used to be one lol). I said: "I am just wondering about this test that got denied ...I still have this thickening and am now having discomfort in the area." I stressed that "it is probably just ductal ectasia" but that I want someone to tell me that. She attempted to clarify by asking if I wanted the mammogram...and for a moment I slipped back to the accusation placed upon me years ago by the internal med who diagnosed me as a test seeker...and I nearly retracted and hung up...but I didn't. I grounded myself in breath and just said "I don't care if the mammogram ever gets done...I just want someone to tell me this is just ductal ectasia." She was very kind and understanding and spoke to the surgeon who is going to make a second request for a diagnostic left breast mammogram based on my reporting a change in sensation.
This is the very same thing my GP wanted done over a month ago. Imagine...going full circle, creating a month of shame and fear for me, and extra headache for an overtaxed system when it was all so unnecessary. Someone else's ego got in the way. Whomever won't be happy when I show up for this test if I am even permitted to. I anticipate that ego will feel the sting of needing to prove it was right and in order to do so someone will have to be wronged. It will likely be me. :) I will prepare myself for that. Sigh!
A Need for Healing
Anyway...it is what it is. There is no problem...just a need for healing. The only healing that I need to focus on...is not in the health care system or the individuals who work in it...but in me. I have to begin changing my own core beliefs around so I know I have a right to use this system...to know I am worthy of medical validation and care.
I, as all of you do, have a right to wellness. That wellness is much more than just having a lump diagnosed as nothing in order to give us peace of mind. It involves expanding beyond shame and fear into the life and the Love that is waiting for us on the other side.
All is well in my world!
Just got a call as I was finishing up this entry...the test is tomorrow afternoon. :) Now I don't know if I am more worried about something showing up or not showing up after all that lol. It will be as it is.
All is well!
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Tolerance and Forgiveness
Some people think [tolerance and forgiveness] are signs of weakness and that aggression is a sign of strength. But aggression follows from anger that, deep inside, is rooted in fear. When you have the confidence that you can deal with what ever arises, you don't get angry.
-Dalai Lama ( you know where lol)
Hmmm! I am thinking about tolerance and forgiveness right now. For more than a brief moment I was angry over my situation. I began remembering past experiences that seemed so unfair, remembering injustices and collecting grievances. I even took this grievance collecting beyond my health seeking experiences and into relationships where I remembered things to feel angry about.
Before long that anger gave away to shame ( for bothering anyone with my issues) and fear ( that I would somehow never be believed again). Anger felt a heck of a lot better, let me tell ya, because it did make me feel stronger. Now I see it was all fear based: the anger, the same and the worry.
I am not sure if I can handle this...that is the root of "the problem" my mind is creating. "Little me" feels pretty puny right now and doesn't seem to be able to hold up such a load.
That's just it though, isn't it? The amazing thing about this is ...I also know somehow...that "Little me" doesn't have to hold anything up because what "little me" is, is not who I am and what it is holding up, is not real anyway.
Say what crazy lady?
Who I really am extends beyond my roles, my thinking, this personality with a 56 year old body that has something "abnormal" appearing on it. Who I really am is much more than a mind or a problem...it is some thing ( or no-thing) that can handle anything.
This "problem" is not real either...it is just a bunch of thoughts and story around something that is appearing in the physical world. A mass shows up ( that is likely just ectasia) ...it is what it is...nothing more. What is heavy and problematic is not the reality of its existence, but the wisps of smoke thinking creates about it. Try grabbing a handful of smoke and holding it in your hand. Can you? Of course not, it isn't substantial.
If we knew that what we consider problematic was simply smoke created by our minds, would we not see that there really is no problem in this moment? We could handle anything couldn't we, if that were the case? Having confidence that we can handle anything that arises...will remove any need for fear and therefore anger, wouldn't it?
All is well.
-Dalai Lama ( you know where lol)
Hmmm! I am thinking about tolerance and forgiveness right now. For more than a brief moment I was angry over my situation. I began remembering past experiences that seemed so unfair, remembering injustices and collecting grievances. I even took this grievance collecting beyond my health seeking experiences and into relationships where I remembered things to feel angry about.
Before long that anger gave away to shame ( for bothering anyone with my issues) and fear ( that I would somehow never be believed again). Anger felt a heck of a lot better, let me tell ya, because it did make me feel stronger. Now I see it was all fear based: the anger, the same and the worry.
I am not sure if I can handle this...that is the root of "the problem" my mind is creating. "Little me" feels pretty puny right now and doesn't seem to be able to hold up such a load.
That's just it though, isn't it? The amazing thing about this is ...I also know somehow...that "Little me" doesn't have to hold anything up because what "little me" is, is not who I am and what it is holding up, is not real anyway.
Say what crazy lady?
Who I really am extends beyond my roles, my thinking, this personality with a 56 year old body that has something "abnormal" appearing on it. Who I really am is much more than a mind or a problem...it is some thing ( or no-thing) that can handle anything.
This "problem" is not real either...it is just a bunch of thoughts and story around something that is appearing in the physical world. A mass shows up ( that is likely just ectasia) ...it is what it is...nothing more. What is heavy and problematic is not the reality of its existence, but the wisps of smoke thinking creates about it. Try grabbing a handful of smoke and holding it in your hand. Can you? Of course not, it isn't substantial.
If we knew that what we consider problematic was simply smoke created by our minds, would we not see that there really is no problem in this moment? We could handle anything couldn't we, if that were the case? Having confidence that we can handle anything that arises...will remove any need for fear and therefore anger, wouldn't it?
All is well.
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Shining the light on life circumstance
The closer you come to the foundation of the ego's thought system, the darker and more obscured becomes the way. Yet even the little spark in your mind is enough to lighten it. Bring this light fearlessly with you, and bravely hold it up to the foundation of the ego's thought system.
ACIM; Chapter 11: Intro:3:5-7
Ego ...still around
I have had a lot on my mind the last month or so. I have been able to transcend it more often than not, to disentangle myself from the situation and the thinking that surrounded it a great deal. I am so grateful for the learning that took me to the place where I could do that. For the most part, I am no longer absorbed in the dramas of my life. At the same time I know this evolving is a practice that will take a life time to perfect....if I ever get that far. Ego, even though he is riddled with cracks and holes, is still hanging around. :) I hear him chattering away in the background. What an annoying little dude.
I have yet to be able to shine the light so fully on ego that it hides away, to completely trust Life enough to fall freely into her arms. Have you?
I made a call yesterday...a simple thing to do but one I debated and debated over. I was almost sick to my stomach as I held the phone in my hand. Only because I was ashamed as health seeking tends to make me because of past experiences.
I had not heard any news about that test that I was told would be done "now". A week and a half had passed since it was ordered so I questioned if I should intervene and find out why or let it be. I swallowed my shame and intervened with a "doing". Why?
Truth is , I am still worried about this thing and had been all along.
Rational Mind Says...
Most of me truly believes it is just ductal ectasia which makes perfect sense to my rational mind. Considering my age, my menopausal status, the mastitis, the little cyst...it explains that this thickening, which is quite extensive, is likely just that.
Yet ....
I find myself several times throughout the day drawn to this mass ( it sounds so dramatic to call it a mass lol but it sounds better than thickening). I can feel it now without having to do anything...it doesn't hurt a lot but it definitely wants me to know its there. I also wake up in the middle of the night feeling it ...I reach up to see if it is gone or at least smaller...I find myself sighing out loud when I realize it is still there. I am sometimes filled with worry.
I guess, I want the conclusive diagnosis ..."just ductal ectasia" instead of "probably nothing" or "we will wait a few months and check it then". I know others are focusing on the cyst and not the thickening. That is why we had quite a difference in our size estimations...man this thing is like two inches that I am feeling (assuming it is what my GP felt too) whereas what they are seeing on ultrasound is only 1/2 inch...that is a big difference. This thing, I am feeling, isn't round and its hard. But then again that is what ductal ectasia ( clogged ducts) would feel like. Wouldn't it???
Rational mind says yes...just ductal ectasia.
Ego Mind Says...
Ego says..."Now hold on here! Don't jump to conclusions. Remember your family history...you are a very high risk. Your sister had stage four breast cancer diagnosed before the age 40, aunt died of breast cancer, cousin died of pancreatic. This could be the big "C" ...you better prepare yourself for that. And don't depend on the health care system...you know what you have been through with your heart. You can't wait 20 years for a diagnosis on this! Someone somewhere is probably already considering you "a liar", a " hypochondriac" and your findings as "insignificant" while this thing eats away at you. That is probably why you didn't get the test done. They are never going to take you seriously until you are dead!"
Man...I don't like my dramatic ego :)
Collecting Evidence that proves Ego Right
So I called and sure enough to feed my ego's need for drama and its need to be right....I was told that there was no referral. I was not surprised. I called down to the breast clinic to find out why...I wanted to hear someone say , "Because it is just ductal ectasia" but what I heard was that they were more surprised than I was. Apparently, they sent the requisition and the radiologist here...sent them back ...stating that there was no need to do another mammogram or ultrasound. This after he told me when he seen me during the ultrasound...that I would need the opinion of a surgeon, they might perform a needle biopsy in the cyst though he seen no need for that right then and that he would do another ultrasound in a couple of months.
But suddenly there was no need for further investigation? It felt like the wind was kicked out of me again. "What about this mass???" ego screamed in panic. And then a "I told you so...it is happening all over again."
It is like a self fulfilling prophecy manifests with any health seeking I do. Getting a diagnosis that puts my mind at rest is never going to be easy for me. Not only that...ego tells me I am being judged and shamed for my seeking again and again. I didn't even want to show anyone that lump for fear this would happen again . Ugh!!!!
Shining the light on ego
Deep breaths, yoga and meditation brought me back to a clearer state of mind.
I showed the lump because, just as something told me I had to make that call yesterday, the same thing told me I had to bring that lump to some one's attention. That inspired action came from something bigger and greater than my ego. I did right to listen...to get past my fear and shame...to take part in inspired action. I did no wrong in showing the lump, going for the tests and making that call yesterday. I can slip away from ego's story of this to a certain peace.
So someone is looking into it. It is out of my hands again. It feels so good to just have it out of my hands. It will turn out anyway it is suppose to. I may or may not get this test done. I may or may not get a correct diagnosis any time soon.
Regardless, I will put it all aside until I hear back from someone somewhere. Whether I hear from the voice of a health care provider or the Voice of something much more wise, does not matter. I will wait and I will do what they ask me to do then. I will handle this life circumstance by letting go. I will do nothing until I hear more direction.
All is well
ACIM; Chapter 11: Intro:3:5-7
Ego ...still around
I have had a lot on my mind the last month or so. I have been able to transcend it more often than not, to disentangle myself from the situation and the thinking that surrounded it a great deal. I am so grateful for the learning that took me to the place where I could do that. For the most part, I am no longer absorbed in the dramas of my life. At the same time I know this evolving is a practice that will take a life time to perfect....if I ever get that far. Ego, even though he is riddled with cracks and holes, is still hanging around. :) I hear him chattering away in the background. What an annoying little dude.
I have yet to be able to shine the light so fully on ego that it hides away, to completely trust Life enough to fall freely into her arms. Have you?
I made a call yesterday...a simple thing to do but one I debated and debated over. I was almost sick to my stomach as I held the phone in my hand. Only because I was ashamed as health seeking tends to make me because of past experiences.
I had not heard any news about that test that I was told would be done "now". A week and a half had passed since it was ordered so I questioned if I should intervene and find out why or let it be. I swallowed my shame and intervened with a "doing". Why?
Truth is , I am still worried about this thing and had been all along.
Rational Mind Says...
Most of me truly believes it is just ductal ectasia which makes perfect sense to my rational mind. Considering my age, my menopausal status, the mastitis, the little cyst...it explains that this thickening, which is quite extensive, is likely just that.
Yet ....
I find myself several times throughout the day drawn to this mass ( it sounds so dramatic to call it a mass lol but it sounds better than thickening). I can feel it now without having to do anything...it doesn't hurt a lot but it definitely wants me to know its there. I also wake up in the middle of the night feeling it ...I reach up to see if it is gone or at least smaller...I find myself sighing out loud when I realize it is still there. I am sometimes filled with worry.
I guess, I want the conclusive diagnosis ..."just ductal ectasia" instead of "probably nothing" or "we will wait a few months and check it then". I know others are focusing on the cyst and not the thickening. That is why we had quite a difference in our size estimations...man this thing is like two inches that I am feeling (assuming it is what my GP felt too) whereas what they are seeing on ultrasound is only 1/2 inch...that is a big difference. This thing, I am feeling, isn't round and its hard. But then again that is what ductal ectasia ( clogged ducts) would feel like. Wouldn't it???
Rational mind says yes...just ductal ectasia.
Ego Mind Says...
Ego says..."Now hold on here! Don't jump to conclusions. Remember your family history...you are a very high risk. Your sister had stage four breast cancer diagnosed before the age 40, aunt died of breast cancer, cousin died of pancreatic. This could be the big "C" ...you better prepare yourself for that. And don't depend on the health care system...you know what you have been through with your heart. You can't wait 20 years for a diagnosis on this! Someone somewhere is probably already considering you "a liar", a " hypochondriac" and your findings as "insignificant" while this thing eats away at you. That is probably why you didn't get the test done. They are never going to take you seriously until you are dead!"
Man...I don't like my dramatic ego :)
Collecting Evidence that proves Ego Right
So I called and sure enough to feed my ego's need for drama and its need to be right....I was told that there was no referral. I was not surprised. I called down to the breast clinic to find out why...I wanted to hear someone say , "Because it is just ductal ectasia" but what I heard was that they were more surprised than I was. Apparently, they sent the requisition and the radiologist here...sent them back ...stating that there was no need to do another mammogram or ultrasound. This after he told me when he seen me during the ultrasound...that I would need the opinion of a surgeon, they might perform a needle biopsy in the cyst though he seen no need for that right then and that he would do another ultrasound in a couple of months.
But suddenly there was no need for further investigation? It felt like the wind was kicked out of me again. "What about this mass???" ego screamed in panic. And then a "I told you so...it is happening all over again."
It is like a self fulfilling prophecy manifests with any health seeking I do. Getting a diagnosis that puts my mind at rest is never going to be easy for me. Not only that...ego tells me I am being judged and shamed for my seeking again and again. I didn't even want to show anyone that lump for fear this would happen again . Ugh!!!!
Shining the light on ego
Deep breaths, yoga and meditation brought me back to a clearer state of mind.
I showed the lump because, just as something told me I had to make that call yesterday, the same thing told me I had to bring that lump to some one's attention. That inspired action came from something bigger and greater than my ego. I did right to listen...to get past my fear and shame...to take part in inspired action. I did no wrong in showing the lump, going for the tests and making that call yesterday. I can slip away from ego's story of this to a certain peace.
So someone is looking into it. It is out of my hands again. It feels so good to just have it out of my hands. It will turn out anyway it is suppose to. I may or may not get this test done. I may or may not get a correct diagnosis any time soon.
Regardless, I will put it all aside until I hear back from someone somewhere. Whether I hear from the voice of a health care provider or the Voice of something much more wise, does not matter. I will wait and I will do what they ask me to do then. I will handle this life circumstance by letting go. I will do nothing until I hear more direction.
All is well
Monday, December 16, 2019
Observer Bias
Can the mind even see the mind? We have to answer yes and no. No, because the mind can't be a subject and object at the same time. The mind interferes, whether it wants to or not, whether it knows it or not, in all that it observes, and with all the more reason when it is a question of itself. But the mind cannot see itself completely.
-Dalai Lama (the calendar lol)
Observer Bias
There is a condition in the field of research called Observer Bias. In this condition the observer (the researcher or experimenter) may come into the study with preconceived ideas and assumptions about the outcome...and this expectation may lead to selective observance of data and in turn may interfere with the collection of pure untainted findings. In other words, the observer is not going to see clearly and observe objectively because their mind is in the way. Hmmm!
Now if we are going to use the mind itself to observe and understand the mind, the question arises : Can the mind even see the mind? Can we make the mind both the observer and the observed? Can it be both a subject and an object at the same time?
Why the mind can't observe itself
Dalai Lama says we can and we can't. We can't give the mind both these functions because it is bound to be overcome with observer bias. If I use my mind to understand what is going on in my mind I am going to fill my observation with loads of preconceived ideas, beliefs, assumptions which are also of the mind. My conclusions are not going to be accurate and trust worthy. The mind interferes with all it observes with our thinking and our judgments. It contaminates our research. For that reason the mind can not see the mind clearly.
Why the Mind can
On the other hand the Dalia Lama says we can use the mind to observe itself because it cannot see itself completely. It is often the conceptual mind that we tend to use in our observations in life. The conceptual mind is limited by the senses, conditioning, learning, accumulated knowledge and beliefs. For that reason the conceptual mind can really only see and understand the conceptual mind...everything else is grossly distorted because of its observer bias.
There is, however, another part of our mind, the deeper Mind, that goes beyond conceptual understanding. The deeper Mind has no observer bias when it looks at the whole of itself. It sees clearly without thought, without judgment, with out any preconceived notions. So this deeper Mind can see the conceptual part of itself whereas the conceptual mind often cannot see or understand it. If I am using my conceptual mind to observe mind...I will see little of the truth. If I use the deeper Mind to observe mind, I will see it all.
Get that? I hope so because I couldn't repeat it again without confusing myself.
It is all good.
-Dalai Lama (the calendar lol)
Observer Bias
There is a condition in the field of research called Observer Bias. In this condition the observer (the researcher or experimenter) may come into the study with preconceived ideas and assumptions about the outcome...and this expectation may lead to selective observance of data and in turn may interfere with the collection of pure untainted findings. In other words, the observer is not going to see clearly and observe objectively because their mind is in the way. Hmmm!
Now if we are going to use the mind itself to observe and understand the mind, the question arises : Can the mind even see the mind? Can we make the mind both the observer and the observed? Can it be both a subject and an object at the same time?
Why the mind can't observe itself
Dalai Lama says we can and we can't. We can't give the mind both these functions because it is bound to be overcome with observer bias. If I use my mind to understand what is going on in my mind I am going to fill my observation with loads of preconceived ideas, beliefs, assumptions which are also of the mind. My conclusions are not going to be accurate and trust worthy. The mind interferes with all it observes with our thinking and our judgments. It contaminates our research. For that reason the mind can not see the mind clearly.
Why the Mind can
On the other hand the Dalia Lama says we can use the mind to observe itself because it cannot see itself completely. It is often the conceptual mind that we tend to use in our observations in life. The conceptual mind is limited by the senses, conditioning, learning, accumulated knowledge and beliefs. For that reason the conceptual mind can really only see and understand the conceptual mind...everything else is grossly distorted because of its observer bias.
There is, however, another part of our mind, the deeper Mind, that goes beyond conceptual understanding. The deeper Mind has no observer bias when it looks at the whole of itself. It sees clearly without thought, without judgment, with out any preconceived notions. So this deeper Mind can see the conceptual part of itself whereas the conceptual mind often cannot see or understand it. If I am using my conceptual mind to observe mind...I will see little of the truth. If I use the deeper Mind to observe mind, I will see it all.
Get that? I hope so because I couldn't repeat it again without confusing myself.
It is all good.
Sunday, December 15, 2019
Ego Dressings
Ego Dressings
We are told that we are broken,
and are instructed to look away
as “wound coverings” are applied
so expertly
by Ego’s competent hands.
With what seems like loving patience,
it hides the wounds
that it, itself, has made.
Plaster and gauze
is applied
layer,
by layer,
by layer,
creating a thick
and life absorbing dressing
over who we really are.
It looks neat.
It looks secure.
It looks like it will protect,
our vulnerable flesh from
the dangerous world around us.
So we do not dare to peek at
what lay beneath,
at what we are told
by Ego’s hissing reprimands
is ugly and infected.
Yet the dressing is so tight
and restricting,
limiting our movement ,
preventing the life blood
from turning our
beings pink
with new growth,
making our bodies throb with pain,
while offering no hope of healing.
Something within tells us to
remove each layer…
though it stings to do so .
Something guides us to expose
the hidden flesh
to the air
that longs to caress it.
We gingerly push
Ego’s prying hands aside
and we remove the dressing
bit by bit,
piece by piece
until what lay
beneath can be seen,
until it can breathe,
until we can look down to see
that no wounds were ever there.
“Nothing real can be threatened.
Nothing unreal exists.
Therein lies the peace of God.”
Dale-Lyn 2018
Hmmm! I wrote that over a year ago??? I guess the learning is really sinking in for me bit by bit. I listened to Oprah Winfrey and Eckhart Tolle discuss the ego today on her super Soul Series podcast.
Tolle explains that ego is self identification with the stream of thinking. It is the mind made identity or image of ''who I am" . It is the story of 'me'.
In this poem analogy it is the dressing provider...that which creates an outside image and hides the Self within. Though it at one time played an important function in humanity's survival just as the dressing plays a temporary role in healing, we as a species are outgrowing that function. We have begun to see the dressing as our very flesh. It has therefore become toxic and destructive...allowing infection rather than healing to fester inside....It is time to remove it. And it is time to debride the mental eschar that has grown on the surface of our true selves. If we do not begin removing ego and its trappings, we will not survive...the planet will not survive.
I know that is heavy but I feel compelled to drop it here anyway. The good news is that more and more of us are waking up to this truth and are beginning the removal process. If you are reading this for more than idol curiosity or incredulity ...maybe you have begun the healing process yourself. Maybe you have begun removing ego from your life layer by layer.
All is well
ACIM...introduction
Eckhart Tolle & Oprah Winfrey ( ?) The Best Eckhart Tolle Talk...Power of Now, New Earth. Oprah's Soul Series XM. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvBzsUesQ68
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Removing the layers of unhealthy "me"
It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.
Horace ( https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wounds-quotes)
Are you hiding your wounds?
I have been a fool for many decades hiding my wounds behind heavy layers of super absorbent dressings. I actually avoided the healing process cuz I thought it would hurt! I was right...it does! I removed my dressing and my healing is still taking place. I say "ouch" more times that not.
Debridement
Hmmm! Healing is a multi faceted process where we debride one layer of damaged tissue at a time to get to the pink healthy granulating tissue beneath. I have pulled off many layers already and many layers have been pulled off of me by circumstance, not always gently. :) Still I have done much, much healing over the years . I keep thinking as each top surface is pulled off...okay this has to be the last layer and I am constantly surprised to find that there is still some areas to be removed. I still can only see bits and pieces of the healthy me. It is definitely a process to get to the real me because I have some pretty deep wounds.
Just like the body will do with a deep ulcerating wound, the mind does with our emotional ones. It wants to fill them in and cover them up in a sick attempt to protect us from further pain. Unfortunately the layers it covers it up with are heavy, thick and unhealthy...not allowing the light and air to get to the inner layers. Pink healthy tissue can not flourish under such oppression.
This pink tissue I am looking for is who I really am...it is where all of life's source of nutrients can be found to flow freely. It is a bit painful to get there but once everything is removed that prevents Life's vitalizing energy to flow freely...this healthy, unencumbered, layer of me will be free. I will see it clearly. I will experience it freely.
That debridement takes time and effort, I am afraid. The deeper the wound, the more layers of unhealthy tissue is created in a pseudo attempt to cover up the broken flesh. Unhealthy tissue is often thick and stubborn. :)
Man why am I using nursing analogies when I can no longer call myself a nurse and when wound care was never really my thing when I was a nurse? :) Still it keeps coming to mind whenever I think of my own healing. I wrote a poem about that once. I wonder if I can find it?
What led me on this debridement journey in the first place? What stopped me from putting layer and layer of dressings over the wounds to hide them from myself and others? What led me to begin picking at them layer by layer? What encouraged me to sit back and allow life to do the same.? A dressing would have protected me some from this discomfort...why did I not just let things continue the way they were?
I was ready: Suffering and Faith
I was ready for true healing rather than a cover up approach. Suffering...the pain of an infected wound coupled by the pain of what life was doing to remove the layers, led me to want real healing once and for all. I knew that real healing would not begin if I still covered everything up in fear that life would cause more pain. I had to remove all the surface layers I was hiding under once and for all. Life obligingly helped me to do that too. something very powerful within me told me that I had to expose the wounds and realize that under them and flowing to them was all I ever needed for healing. Hmmm!
What lead me to my own debridement was a certain Faith. I had faith, a faith that led me inward rather than outward. With every tiny bit of pink tissue I exposed, the more the trust grew within me. So I was able to withstand the sting of another layer being pulled off, trusting that it would reveal something healthy and real. Each and every time, a little more presence would emerge. I got glimpses of that Life energy within me. I knew I was healing. I am now committed to that process of healing.
What about you?
Is your real Self covered up by layers of unhealthy tissue? Do you have wounds that need debridement? I am going to encourage you to remove the outer dressing and begin the process. I am not going to tell you it won't sting. it will, but I have a feeling that you are going to feel better and better with each layer of unhealthy you, you take away.
Inspired by:
Eckhart Tolle (2019) It's easy, Keep your vibrations high. (can't find url when I go back?)
Suffering can lead to a motivation to go deeper. I am grateful for it and appreciate every bit of pink tissue I am able to now see because of it.
All is well.
Horace ( https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/wounds-quotes)
Are you hiding your wounds?
I have been a fool for many decades hiding my wounds behind heavy layers of super absorbent dressings. I actually avoided the healing process cuz I thought it would hurt! I was right...it does! I removed my dressing and my healing is still taking place. I say "ouch" more times that not.
Debridement
Hmmm! Healing is a multi faceted process where we debride one layer of damaged tissue at a time to get to the pink healthy granulating tissue beneath. I have pulled off many layers already and many layers have been pulled off of me by circumstance, not always gently. :) Still I have done much, much healing over the years . I keep thinking as each top surface is pulled off...okay this has to be the last layer and I am constantly surprised to find that there is still some areas to be removed. I still can only see bits and pieces of the healthy me. It is definitely a process to get to the real me because I have some pretty deep wounds.
Just like the body will do with a deep ulcerating wound, the mind does with our emotional ones. It wants to fill them in and cover them up in a sick attempt to protect us from further pain. Unfortunately the layers it covers it up with are heavy, thick and unhealthy...not allowing the light and air to get to the inner layers. Pink healthy tissue can not flourish under such oppression.
This pink tissue I am looking for is who I really am...it is where all of life's source of nutrients can be found to flow freely. It is a bit painful to get there but once everything is removed that prevents Life's vitalizing energy to flow freely...this healthy, unencumbered, layer of me will be free. I will see it clearly. I will experience it freely.
That debridement takes time and effort, I am afraid. The deeper the wound, the more layers of unhealthy tissue is created in a pseudo attempt to cover up the broken flesh. Unhealthy tissue is often thick and stubborn. :)
Man why am I using nursing analogies when I can no longer call myself a nurse and when wound care was never really my thing when I was a nurse? :) Still it keeps coming to mind whenever I think of my own healing. I wrote a poem about that once. I wonder if I can find it?
What led me on this debridement journey in the first place? What stopped me from putting layer and layer of dressings over the wounds to hide them from myself and others? What led me to begin picking at them layer by layer? What encouraged me to sit back and allow life to do the same.? A dressing would have protected me some from this discomfort...why did I not just let things continue the way they were?
I was ready: Suffering and Faith
I was ready for true healing rather than a cover up approach. Suffering...the pain of an infected wound coupled by the pain of what life was doing to remove the layers, led me to want real healing once and for all. I knew that real healing would not begin if I still covered everything up in fear that life would cause more pain. I had to remove all the surface layers I was hiding under once and for all. Life obligingly helped me to do that too. something very powerful within me told me that I had to expose the wounds and realize that under them and flowing to them was all I ever needed for healing. Hmmm!
What lead me to my own debridement was a certain Faith. I had faith, a faith that led me inward rather than outward. With every tiny bit of pink tissue I exposed, the more the trust grew within me. So I was able to withstand the sting of another layer being pulled off, trusting that it would reveal something healthy and real. Each and every time, a little more presence would emerge. I got glimpses of that Life energy within me. I knew I was healing. I am now committed to that process of healing.
What about you?
Is your real Self covered up by layers of unhealthy tissue? Do you have wounds that need debridement? I am going to encourage you to remove the outer dressing and begin the process. I am not going to tell you it won't sting. it will, but I have a feeling that you are going to feel better and better with each layer of unhealthy you, you take away.
Inspired by:
Eckhart Tolle (2019) It's easy, Keep your vibrations high. (can't find url when I go back?)
Suffering can lead to a motivation to go deeper. I am grateful for it and appreciate every bit of pink tissue I am able to now see because of it.
All is well.
Friday, December 13, 2019
The Third Way To Truth
Ethics and inner values without religious content [a spiritual practice and teaching] are like water, something we need everyday for health and survival. Ethics and inner values based on a religious context are more like tea. The tea we drink is mostly composed of water, but it also contains some other ingredients-tea leaves, spices, perhaps some sugar or, at least in Tibet, salt-and this makes it more nutritious and sustaining and something we want everyday.
-Dalai Lama (Desktop Calendar, Andrews McMeel, 2018)
We are all going to reach the truth eventually about what is really important and who we really are. That's a given. There are three ways we reach this truth, according to Eckhart Tolle (Omega 2). We can become "enlightened" :
Of course, the first one is the hard way. But most of us will go through life in a bubble of ignorance or denial, thinking we "know" that which we do not know. We will have this idea of who we are which usually entails our body, the personality by which we are known by others, our active minds, the roles we played, the things we did or owned etc etc. When we breathe that last breath, however, all those things are not going to matter a lick are they? We are not going to take them with us are we? The truth is definitely going to shine on us then as we meet head on the Grace of God. We will be enlightened then. :)
Suffering can take us to the Truth:
The second way is also a hard way. We can suffer. We can live in a mental experience that the world is bad and out to get us. We can spend our days in our heads supporting this belief by collecting grievances, complaining, building an argument against the now and in turn against life, we can blame and point fingers and we can suffer such great unrelenting pain as we realize that no matter how hard we try to fix and control things out there we still feel like crap!
We can go through our lives like this until we get to the first way of being enlightened....or.... we can finally crack and break open from the suffering long before our time here is up. Such intense suffering can actually be the door way to the truth without us having to die first. When who we thought we were falls to pieces around us, we can see who we truly are. When the things we sought after are taken away, lost or never found...we can see that they were never important in the sense that they never had the power to bring us to the peace we actually longed for. Suffering can turn us toward the only place healing can be found...the mind, the inner self. Suffering then can be beautiful...a portal to the very thing death takes us to...God.
Teachings can take us to the Truth
The third way is actually the best and easiest way but few of us will take this path to enlightenment until we are faced with death or extreme suffering. There are teachers and teachings all around us speaking of this Grace and where to find it but we too often shut them out. Our ego's do not want us listening to them because they have another agenda. And we, without enlightenment of any kind , cannot see that we are not our egos. We become what they tell us we are, not what God reminds us we are, when we are ready to listen. So all this spiritual stuff may become just a bunch of "woo-woo nonsense" because it doesn't support ego's path for us....which points us 'out there' instead of 'in here'. We cannot learn what is there to learn until we are ready. Too many of us are just not ready. If we do not learn at least some of the basics we will not see a spiritual practice as important to our understanding of life and Self.
By the Grace of God
Luckily, according to Tolle, the Grace of God is going to step in in one way or another to help us learn what we are here to learn. (Omega 2). This little self that keeps us from truly understanding the greater Self has a self destruct mechanism in it. It is going to eventually dissolve in one big Kaboom at the moment of our death or piece by piece throughout our days through what we call suffering from life events.
When cracks in this false self appear, Grace shines through leading us to truth of what is really important. Why? Because we are ready. We need to be ready and willing to learn. We can begin on the path to enlightenment then. What those teachers and teachings are expressing starts to make sense...and not necessarily to the mind...but to the greater Self that runs the show that makes its appearance more and more frequently. We see where they are pointing to and we go inward for further understanding. If we are lucky, suffering will be replaced by the peace of this understanding, long before our time here is up.
Well that is what I get from all this. But it really is not important what I believe...you need to start questioning what you believe and why? Don't you think?
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle (March, 2017) Omega, 2. Namaste Publishing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37b6-C2QUdg
-Dalai Lama (Desktop Calendar, Andrews McMeel, 2018)
We are all going to reach the truth eventually about what is really important and who we really are. That's a given. There are three ways we reach this truth, according to Eckhart Tolle (Omega 2). We can become "enlightened" :
- at the moment of our death
- after enough intense suffering to create a hole in our sense of little self
- and through spiritual teachings and /or practice when we are ready.
Of course, the first one is the hard way. But most of us will go through life in a bubble of ignorance or denial, thinking we "know" that which we do not know. We will have this idea of who we are which usually entails our body, the personality by which we are known by others, our active minds, the roles we played, the things we did or owned etc etc. When we breathe that last breath, however, all those things are not going to matter a lick are they? We are not going to take them with us are we? The truth is definitely going to shine on us then as we meet head on the Grace of God. We will be enlightened then. :)
Suffering can take us to the Truth:
The second way is also a hard way. We can suffer. We can live in a mental experience that the world is bad and out to get us. We can spend our days in our heads supporting this belief by collecting grievances, complaining, building an argument against the now and in turn against life, we can blame and point fingers and we can suffer such great unrelenting pain as we realize that no matter how hard we try to fix and control things out there we still feel like crap!
We can go through our lives like this until we get to the first way of being enlightened....or.... we can finally crack and break open from the suffering long before our time here is up. Such intense suffering can actually be the door way to the truth without us having to die first. When who we thought we were falls to pieces around us, we can see who we truly are. When the things we sought after are taken away, lost or never found...we can see that they were never important in the sense that they never had the power to bring us to the peace we actually longed for. Suffering can turn us toward the only place healing can be found...the mind, the inner self. Suffering then can be beautiful...a portal to the very thing death takes us to...God.
Teachings can take us to the Truth
The third way is actually the best and easiest way but few of us will take this path to enlightenment until we are faced with death or extreme suffering. There are teachers and teachings all around us speaking of this Grace and where to find it but we too often shut them out. Our ego's do not want us listening to them because they have another agenda. And we, without enlightenment of any kind , cannot see that we are not our egos. We become what they tell us we are, not what God reminds us we are, when we are ready to listen. So all this spiritual stuff may become just a bunch of "woo-woo nonsense" because it doesn't support ego's path for us....which points us 'out there' instead of 'in here'. We cannot learn what is there to learn until we are ready. Too many of us are just not ready. If we do not learn at least some of the basics we will not see a spiritual practice as important to our understanding of life and Self.
By the Grace of God
Luckily, according to Tolle, the Grace of God is going to step in in one way or another to help us learn what we are here to learn. (Omega 2). This little self that keeps us from truly understanding the greater Self has a self destruct mechanism in it. It is going to eventually dissolve in one big Kaboom at the moment of our death or piece by piece throughout our days through what we call suffering from life events.
When cracks in this false self appear, Grace shines through leading us to truth of what is really important. Why? Because we are ready. We need to be ready and willing to learn. We can begin on the path to enlightenment then. What those teachers and teachings are expressing starts to make sense...and not necessarily to the mind...but to the greater Self that runs the show that makes its appearance more and more frequently. We see where they are pointing to and we go inward for further understanding. If we are lucky, suffering will be replaced by the peace of this understanding, long before our time here is up.
Well that is what I get from all this. But it really is not important what I believe...you need to start questioning what you believe and why? Don't you think?
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle (March, 2017) Omega, 2. Namaste Publishing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37b6-C2QUdg
Thursday, December 12, 2019
Suffering can be beautiful
Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind.
-Aristotle (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/suffering-quotes)
Suffering appears to be such a big nasty word doesn't it? Pointing to something dramatic and dreadful, something we may never escape. It implies that there is deep, unrelenting pain of one kind or another inflicting our human experience.
Suffering is just a word
It is, however, just a word ...and like all words, it is just pointing to a mental definition of experience and not to the experience itself. Suffering, then, as the Buddhists have taught for centuries, is an inevitable experience for all humans until they realize what causes it and follow the path away from it. It is a mental journey to suffering and a mental journey from suffering.
We All Suffer
Truth is, we all suffer in one degree or another, if we are defining our lives but what our minds are telling us. Life is going to give us what it gives us and regardless if that something appears big and worthy of the term suffering or not, it may lead to a fair degree of mental anguish for you.
One person, for example, may lose their ability to work in a job they love and find themselves suddenly without a regular source of income on which to support their dependents. They may lapse into a mental resistance, "Oh My God! This should not be happening! Life is so unfair! How could they do this to me? Why am I being punished? Oh my God...what will happen in the future? How will I support my children? We are all going to end up homeless. This is the last straw. I can't take anymore."
Another person with the same situation might fall into the mental response of, "Oh that is too bad but it is what it is. I will enjoy this break from work to figure out what I really want from life. This is probably a good thing for all. The kids and I will cut back on "things" and enjoy what is really important until I find another source of income."
Both individuals are faced with the same situation but only one is suffering. Why is that?
In the Mind
The mind loves suffering. It is its thing and if we allow it to it can carry us off, convincing us that it is the life event, the health issue, the loss, the other person that is "inflicting" suffering on us. It will drag us into fears for the future and a drastic need to alter upcoming events. It will also pull us back into the past to ensure we stay stuck. We can quickly get lost in this quest or this "stuckness" but it is only in the mind that we are. The loss of work did not cause the suffering...our mental reaction did. Do you see that?
Even in the one individual mind suffering comes and goes. My initial experience, for example, of being unable to work was at first reacted to with a great deal of mental resistance and fear which led to a great deal of suffering. It was not the giving up of the job I loved, the extreme financial hardship it put me in and the lack of support I perceived I needed that was the problem. It was my reaction to it. I resisted, and struggled against it. I fought it and it exhausted me.
Stop Resisting What Is
When I got to the point of realizing how my struggling against this life situation was impacting my life in a negative way, even though I could not change the outward situation, I began to change my inner one. I stopped resisting and struggling against what Life was giving me. I settled into it and found the blessing in that. I mean I still did some things . I spoke out and took action where I deemed necessary but it was a peaceful calculated action and not one where I was flailing about striking out at anyone I thought was responsible, no longer putting all my energy into blaming and pointing fingers, into attempting to control and fix the situation. I stopped building a victim's story around it...stopped starring in a drama I was constantly creating. I stepped back from what my mind was trying to convince me was going on...and I realized I did not have to follow it into suffering. I started thinking in terms of the second example above.
"I can't take anymore!"= Grace
I began to apply this practice to all avenues of my life. What suffering, all the forms of Dukkha I experienced in my mind over all the decades of my Life, gave me...was an opening to experience what was really important. My life situations took me to the place of "I can't take anymore." and that led me to the Grace that was waiting for me. Grace broke down this heavy little shell of illusion...one that told me that I was this separate little body that was failing and this role I played for years in terms of a job title; one that convinced me I needed so much money and so many things in order to be okay and it took me to the true solutions for all Life's issues...to a spiritual understanding rather than a mental one. My sense of suffering led to a path of true healing. I find myself very, very grateful for all of it now.
I got to the point of my experience where I was ready to hear the wisdom all around me that came in spiritual teachings. That teaching began to make sense and it pointed to even greater learning that existed within me.
There will be more challenges up ahead. There is no doubt about that. That's okay. And I may not always respond to life events with this peaceful reaction. The momentum of the mind, after all , still has a tendency to pull me with it from time to time. I am, however, very aware of that tendency and I can usually gently coax my way back away from its pull. That in itself is an amazing feat! I truly am healing.
Applying This Learning
If you too are sick of suffering, just notice how you are reacting to the life events you encounter. Understand that it is not the life event...and I don't care how big it seems...but how you mentally respond that will determine whether or not you will suffer. Just by noticing, you are stepping away from the mind's pull to suffering. You can then choose a different approach. Choose to own your reaction and change your thinking. Stop resisting what Life gives you, embrace it, learn from it and grow from it. See it as an opening into greater wisdom and the greater you.
Suffering can actually be a blessed opening into the higher Self.
All is well.
-Aristotle (https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/suffering-quotes)
Suffering appears to be such a big nasty word doesn't it? Pointing to something dramatic and dreadful, something we may never escape. It implies that there is deep, unrelenting pain of one kind or another inflicting our human experience.
Suffering is just a word
It is, however, just a word ...and like all words, it is just pointing to a mental definition of experience and not to the experience itself. Suffering, then, as the Buddhists have taught for centuries, is an inevitable experience for all humans until they realize what causes it and follow the path away from it. It is a mental journey to suffering and a mental journey from suffering.
We All Suffer
Truth is, we all suffer in one degree or another, if we are defining our lives but what our minds are telling us. Life is going to give us what it gives us and regardless if that something appears big and worthy of the term suffering or not, it may lead to a fair degree of mental anguish for you.
One person, for example, may lose their ability to work in a job they love and find themselves suddenly without a regular source of income on which to support their dependents. They may lapse into a mental resistance, "Oh My God! This should not be happening! Life is so unfair! How could they do this to me? Why am I being punished? Oh my God...what will happen in the future? How will I support my children? We are all going to end up homeless. This is the last straw. I can't take anymore."
Another person with the same situation might fall into the mental response of, "Oh that is too bad but it is what it is. I will enjoy this break from work to figure out what I really want from life. This is probably a good thing for all. The kids and I will cut back on "things" and enjoy what is really important until I find another source of income."
Both individuals are faced with the same situation but only one is suffering. Why is that?
In the Mind
The mind loves suffering. It is its thing and if we allow it to it can carry us off, convincing us that it is the life event, the health issue, the loss, the other person that is "inflicting" suffering on us. It will drag us into fears for the future and a drastic need to alter upcoming events. It will also pull us back into the past to ensure we stay stuck. We can quickly get lost in this quest or this "stuckness" but it is only in the mind that we are. The loss of work did not cause the suffering...our mental reaction did. Do you see that?
Even in the one individual mind suffering comes and goes. My initial experience, for example, of being unable to work was at first reacted to with a great deal of mental resistance and fear which led to a great deal of suffering. It was not the giving up of the job I loved, the extreme financial hardship it put me in and the lack of support I perceived I needed that was the problem. It was my reaction to it. I resisted, and struggled against it. I fought it and it exhausted me.
Stop Resisting What Is
When I got to the point of realizing how my struggling against this life situation was impacting my life in a negative way, even though I could not change the outward situation, I began to change my inner one. I stopped resisting and struggling against what Life was giving me. I settled into it and found the blessing in that. I mean I still did some things . I spoke out and took action where I deemed necessary but it was a peaceful calculated action and not one where I was flailing about striking out at anyone I thought was responsible, no longer putting all my energy into blaming and pointing fingers, into attempting to control and fix the situation. I stopped building a victim's story around it...stopped starring in a drama I was constantly creating. I stepped back from what my mind was trying to convince me was going on...and I realized I did not have to follow it into suffering. I started thinking in terms of the second example above.
"I can't take anymore!"= Grace
I began to apply this practice to all avenues of my life. What suffering, all the forms of Dukkha I experienced in my mind over all the decades of my Life, gave me...was an opening to experience what was really important. My life situations took me to the place of "I can't take anymore." and that led me to the Grace that was waiting for me. Grace broke down this heavy little shell of illusion...one that told me that I was this separate little body that was failing and this role I played for years in terms of a job title; one that convinced me I needed so much money and so many things in order to be okay and it took me to the true solutions for all Life's issues...to a spiritual understanding rather than a mental one. My sense of suffering led to a path of true healing. I find myself very, very grateful for all of it now.
I got to the point of my experience where I was ready to hear the wisdom all around me that came in spiritual teachings. That teaching began to make sense and it pointed to even greater learning that existed within me.
There will be more challenges up ahead. There is no doubt about that. That's okay. And I may not always respond to life events with this peaceful reaction. The momentum of the mind, after all , still has a tendency to pull me with it from time to time. I am, however, very aware of that tendency and I can usually gently coax my way back away from its pull. That in itself is an amazing feat! I truly am healing.
Applying This Learning
If you too are sick of suffering, just notice how you are reacting to the life events you encounter. Understand that it is not the life event...and I don't care how big it seems...but how you mentally respond that will determine whether or not you will suffer. Just by noticing, you are stepping away from the mind's pull to suffering. You can then choose a different approach. Choose to own your reaction and change your thinking. Stop resisting what Life gives you, embrace it, learn from it and grow from it. See it as an opening into greater wisdom and the greater you.
Suffering can actually be a blessed opening into the higher Self.
All is well.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
The Heaviness of "me"
The human condition is not personal...it is just the human condition.
-Eckhart Tolle
Carrying the Heavy "me"
We all carry around this personal sense of self throughout our lives, don't we? I know I do. And it is heavy and painful to carry it around. It distorts the way we see the world and, as is often my case with it, it makes it seem that others or the world is out to get us with one "thing" after another. We feel that our "happiness" ( a concept created, I believe, by this little "me",) is always being threatened or taken from us by the things around us. So we are always on guard, ready to attack for this idea of happiness and this idea of self.
The Collective Experience of "me"
Sometimes we find reprieve by joining with other little personalized selves to form a collective, a tribe or a nation and we stand together defending against and attacking all the other 'selves' out there that do not ascribe to our ideology. We are constantly making separations with the intention of protecting this "me".
What is this heavy "me"?
What is this heavy "me'' we are protecting?
It is simply a concept, an idea we have, a thought...something that exists only in our minds. It is an illusion and not who we really are. It will definitely not last forever. It may last for a life time but I guarantee that at the moment of our death we will realize just how illusionary it is and how we wasted so much precious life energy carrying it around because we mistakenly thought it was us.
This little personalized sense of self will self destruct at some point. As Eckhart Tolle puts it, There is a self destructive mechanism built into the illusionary self by the grace of God. (Omega 3). It will not last forever but unfortunately many of us are so identified with it , it may take time to dissolve. We just need to allow it to dissolve as it is programed to do. Something greater beneath it is always pushing through. Trust that something. Life knows what it is doing.
Allow it to crack open
Some of us are blessed enough to catch glimpses of just how flimsy this "little me" is before our deaths. We come to see how it is responsible for our suffering and how we really don't need it...in fact we would be better off without it. This realization may come because of a feeling of intense suffering as a result of some tough life challenges. Maybe we will reach a point where we say "This is just too much!" and a crack will appear in this armour of little self we wear. That crack allows grace to slip through and grace is the realization that we are merely caught in an illusion and need not be. Others might say we are "breaking down" or "going crazy" but we will begin to feel a strength with this grace that we never experienced before, a lightening of a load, a freedom from the heaviness. The world will begin to look very differently. We will know that we are not going crazy, we are finally seeing clearly.
(Check out the poem that came to in the October 28th entry)
Beyond "me"
We will begin to see beyond "me" to all. As we open up to Grace, we open to compassion and the ultimate human experience...Love. And not just love for a few select people who share our genes or our homes and neighborhoods...but for all! We see the One family Dalai Lama spoke of in yesterday's entry.
So opening up, having this heavy sense of "me" dissolve around us is not only freeing for us personally, it serves the world. It serves humanity! It is essential.
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle (March 2016) Omega 3 2001-Grace Came in and Presence Emerged. Namaste Publishing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ld2YRg23vkY
-Eckhart Tolle
Carrying the Heavy "me"
We all carry around this personal sense of self throughout our lives, don't we? I know I do. And it is heavy and painful to carry it around. It distorts the way we see the world and, as is often my case with it, it makes it seem that others or the world is out to get us with one "thing" after another. We feel that our "happiness" ( a concept created, I believe, by this little "me",) is always being threatened or taken from us by the things around us. So we are always on guard, ready to attack for this idea of happiness and this idea of self.
The Collective Experience of "me"
Sometimes we find reprieve by joining with other little personalized selves to form a collective, a tribe or a nation and we stand together defending against and attacking all the other 'selves' out there that do not ascribe to our ideology. We are constantly making separations with the intention of protecting this "me".
What is this heavy "me"?
What is this heavy "me'' we are protecting?
It is simply a concept, an idea we have, a thought...something that exists only in our minds. It is an illusion and not who we really are. It will definitely not last forever. It may last for a life time but I guarantee that at the moment of our death we will realize just how illusionary it is and how we wasted so much precious life energy carrying it around because we mistakenly thought it was us.
This little personalized sense of self will self destruct at some point. As Eckhart Tolle puts it, There is a self destructive mechanism built into the illusionary self by the grace of God. (Omega 3). It will not last forever but unfortunately many of us are so identified with it , it may take time to dissolve. We just need to allow it to dissolve as it is programed to do. Something greater beneath it is always pushing through. Trust that something. Life knows what it is doing.
Allow it to crack open
Some of us are blessed enough to catch glimpses of just how flimsy this "little me" is before our deaths. We come to see how it is responsible for our suffering and how we really don't need it...in fact we would be better off without it. This realization may come because of a feeling of intense suffering as a result of some tough life challenges. Maybe we will reach a point where we say "This is just too much!" and a crack will appear in this armour of little self we wear. That crack allows grace to slip through and grace is the realization that we are merely caught in an illusion and need not be. Others might say we are "breaking down" or "going crazy" but we will begin to feel a strength with this grace that we never experienced before, a lightening of a load, a freedom from the heaviness. The world will begin to look very differently. We will know that we are not going crazy, we are finally seeing clearly.
(Check out the poem that came to in the October 28th entry)
Beyond "me"
We will begin to see beyond "me" to all. As we open up to Grace, we open to compassion and the ultimate human experience...Love. And not just love for a few select people who share our genes or our homes and neighborhoods...but for all! We see the One family Dalai Lama spoke of in yesterday's entry.
So opening up, having this heavy sense of "me" dissolve around us is not only freeing for us personally, it serves the world. It serves humanity! It is essential.
All is well.
Eckhart Tolle (March 2016) Omega 3 2001-Grace Came in and Presence Emerged. Namaste Publishing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ld2YRg23vkY
Tuesday, December 10, 2019
Loving Kindness/One Family
You have the opportunity to build a more peaceful century. When you face conflict, you need to resolve it through dialogue and compromise. To do this you need to respect others' rights, views, and humanity, considering them as brothers and sisters. You need to think of humanity as one family.
Dalai Lama ( Desk top Calendar; Andrews McMeel; 2018)
Hmmm! Thinking of Metta kindness today. Yes...even before I came across this quote from yesterday lol. There is that cool synchronicity again at play!
Metta and Loving Kindness
Though the word Metta is a Pali term and this practice is essential to Buddhist belief, it was taught by many great teachers including Christ. In Saint Francis Assissi's famous poem , he prays "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace...where there is hatred let me sow love..." etc etc (https://grow.ourcatholicradio.org/st-francis-prayer?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIs7i059Cr5gIVGMZkCh3KCw78EAAYAiAAEgIkR_D_BwE)
Metta or Loving Kindness is a training practice that can be learned by anyone regardless of religious belief or cultural conditioning. That means one can not excuse themselves by saying, "Well I am just not the warm and mushy type "or "I am not a Buddhist and I don't believe in that stuff."
A Training Practice
Anyone can learn it and not only that...it is imperative that we must learn it if humanity is going to survive. It is a "practice" requiring a willingness and commitment to master it.
It is a training that will require many steps, many trials, many less than successful endeavors and that is okay. We simply start where we are.
Steven Schwartzberg in his Huff post article, The Two Tiers of Loving-Kindness Practice, explains two steps that the practice involves. First of all we must be willing to "try it on". We become willing to experiment with it to see what kind of changes it will make in us and in others. We might begin by practicing this with loving thoughts for those we love during our meditation practice. We open our hearts in this way. We may then practice it in our service to humanity by "giving" ourselves to the ones we love and to those who are easy to love. The old axiom, "charity begins at home" may apply here.
But...again you knew there was going to be a but right?
We cannot leave it here. We do not stop at what A Course in Miracles calls the special relationship. We don't stop at those people who we deem as special and close to us. We need to expand beyond our in groups and apply it to the out group (Tolle, 2013) . We must go beyond those who are easy to love because they somehow enrich our sense of personal and tribal self, those who are easy to love because they agree with our beliefs and opinions, those who make our life experience easier....to all. We expand beyond our narrow version of family to see all of humanity as One family. We practice offering loving-kindness to all unconditionally. Schwartsberg refers to this as the No matter what step. ( 2017 )
Not Always Easy
Of course, this is not an easy thing to master. We are so conditioned in this idea that we are separate and must protect our sense of me, my and mine ( which may include the people who we consider special) at all costs against the "thems" of the world. We spend a great deal of our mental energy both individually and collectively making lines in the sand between us and them. We spend a great deal of our resources making others into enemies in order to maintain this sense of individualized or nationalized self. Eckhart Tolle explains in the video, Conversations on Compassion with Eckhart Tolle (February 2013): The egoic self loves its enemies ; the personal self loves its problems.
It will, therefore, take some devoted training and practice to undo our need for problematic enemies and separation so we can expand our loving kindness to all. Recognizing humanity as one family may be a wonderful place to start.
Hmmm! That is just my thoughts for the day,
All is well.
ACIM
Eckhart Tolle (Feb 2103) Conversations on compassion with Eckhart Tolle. CCare at Stanford. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M00VLswZdyc
Steven Schwartzberg (December, 2017) The Two Tiers of Loving Kindness. Huff Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-two-tiers-of-buddhist_b_9488502
Covenant Network/Catholic Radio. Prayer of Saint Francis https://grow.ourcatholicradio.org/st-francis-prayer?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIs7i059Cr5gIVGMZkCh3KCw78EAAYAiAAEgIkR_D_BwE
Dalai Lama ( Desk top Calendar; Andrews McMeel; 2018)
Hmmm! Thinking of Metta kindness today. Yes...even before I came across this quote from yesterday lol. There is that cool synchronicity again at play!
Metta and Loving Kindness
Though the word Metta is a Pali term and this practice is essential to Buddhist belief, it was taught by many great teachers including Christ. In Saint Francis Assissi's famous poem , he prays "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace...where there is hatred let me sow love..." etc etc (https://grow.ourcatholicradio.org/st-francis-prayer?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIs7i059Cr5gIVGMZkCh3KCw78EAAYAiAAEgIkR_D_BwE)
Metta or Loving Kindness is a training practice that can be learned by anyone regardless of religious belief or cultural conditioning. That means one can not excuse themselves by saying, "Well I am just not the warm and mushy type "or "I am not a Buddhist and I don't believe in that stuff."
A Training Practice
Anyone can learn it and not only that...it is imperative that we must learn it if humanity is going to survive. It is a "practice" requiring a willingness and commitment to master it.
It is a training that will require many steps, many trials, many less than successful endeavors and that is okay. We simply start where we are.
Steven Schwartzberg in his Huff post article, The Two Tiers of Loving-Kindness Practice, explains two steps that the practice involves. First of all we must be willing to "try it on". We become willing to experiment with it to see what kind of changes it will make in us and in others. We might begin by practicing this with loving thoughts for those we love during our meditation practice. We open our hearts in this way. We may then practice it in our service to humanity by "giving" ourselves to the ones we love and to those who are easy to love. The old axiom, "charity begins at home" may apply here.
But...again you knew there was going to be a but right?
We cannot leave it here. We do not stop at what A Course in Miracles calls the special relationship. We don't stop at those people who we deem as special and close to us. We need to expand beyond our in groups and apply it to the out group (Tolle, 2013) . We must go beyond those who are easy to love because they somehow enrich our sense of personal and tribal self, those who are easy to love because they agree with our beliefs and opinions, those who make our life experience easier....to all. We expand beyond our narrow version of family to see all of humanity as One family. We practice offering loving-kindness to all unconditionally. Schwartsberg refers to this as the No matter what step. ( 2017 )
Not Always Easy
Of course, this is not an easy thing to master. We are so conditioned in this idea that we are separate and must protect our sense of me, my and mine ( which may include the people who we consider special) at all costs against the "thems" of the world. We spend a great deal of our mental energy both individually and collectively making lines in the sand between us and them. We spend a great deal of our resources making others into enemies in order to maintain this sense of individualized or nationalized self. Eckhart Tolle explains in the video, Conversations on Compassion with Eckhart Tolle (February 2013): The egoic self loves its enemies ; the personal self loves its problems.
It will, therefore, take some devoted training and practice to undo our need for problematic enemies and separation so we can expand our loving kindness to all. Recognizing humanity as one family may be a wonderful place to start.
Hmmm! That is just my thoughts for the day,
All is well.
ACIM
Eckhart Tolle (Feb 2103) Conversations on compassion with Eckhart Tolle. CCare at Stanford. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M00VLswZdyc
Steven Schwartzberg (December, 2017) The Two Tiers of Loving Kindness. Huff Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-two-tiers-of-buddhist_b_9488502
Covenant Network/Catholic Radio. Prayer of Saint Francis https://grow.ourcatholicradio.org/st-francis-prayer?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIs7i059Cr5gIVGMZkCh3KCw78EAAYAiAAEgIkR_D_BwE
Monday, December 9, 2019
Waiting and Patience
Our patience will achieve more than our force.
-Edmund Burke (https://www.brainyquote.com/lists/topics/top-10-patience-quotes)
Waiting
I am waiting on one more test...one that was going to be ordered to be done "now" and I am really not sure what this surgeon's interpretation of "now" is. Now to me means "same day" but to others it might mean in the next couple of weeks. Sigh! I want closure...I want to put this aside once and for all. I want someone to tell me what this mass is...a mass that is not showing up conclusively on the ultra sound and that I doubt if some even feel. I wasn't worried about it...because my intent all along was to give it 30 days after the infection to see if it was still there. I knew I probably had it assessed too early and that may have led to an exaggeration of it.(Felt larger because of the inflammation). That is why I was going to give it 30 days.
Worried
Once the inflammation began to go it appeared and felt differently but now I sadly know...it is still there. There is something there beyond the tiny cyst the ultrasound is picking up. It might be no more than scar tissue from ductal atresia. That's great...I just want to hear someone say that "It is definitely just scar tissue and nothing to worry about." And I am also getting some discomfort in the area lately that I didn't have before...I want someone to tell me..."It is just menopausal hormonal fluctuations causing the discomfort. All just coincidence. " Great...I would walk away and never think of it again. But I have a hard time pushing this aside now without definite closure. My mind wants and demands closure. I don't find peace with "Probably nothing. " Sigh
Resisting What Is
But again...this is all just resistance to what is. What is...is this presumption that it is probably nothing. What is...is this abnormal mass that may or may not be nothing. What is...is the circumstances that led me to this point of pondering: my family history, my personal history, the infection, my feeling the mass, my GP feeling the mass, the cyst that shows up on ultrasound( which seems to be what others stop at and which by the way I never felt), other differentiated opinion(some concerned, some aren't), what shows up or doesn't show up on examination and testing. So many circumstantial things come into play. This is what is in the foreground of my life.
The Problem is the Mind
Ugh! But the most important factor that brought me here to this point of frustration and worry is my mind...what my mind is doing with this "stuff". It is clinging...trying to analyze, problem solve, fix in the way it is used to doing. It is trying to put puzzle pieces together without all the pieces on the table so it creates a distorted image. It infers and makes assumptions. It is chattering away with , "What if...", "It is all happening again. You will never get a diagnosis..." and, "you got to do something." It almost wants to focus on this so it doesn't have to focus on other somewhat draining things in my life. This "new drama" trumps all the other stressors my mind feels it has to deal with. Wow!
My mind is the issue not the breast or the circumstances. My mind is the problem.
Letting Go for Peace of Mind
I need to let go of this with or without definite validation from others. I had the hardest time doing that with my other health issues and it nearly drove me over the deep end. I won't do that here. I am aware of what is and I am also aware there is a lot I don't know. That is okay. In the physical sense, I have done my part. I went and showed the mass to someone. I went for the tests. I went for the consults. I must let go of the physical part of this to the professionals. This is not history repeating itself anywhere but in my mind. I can wait patiently.
Most importantly, I can let go to a higher power. I can let go to God. This isn't about "me'' anyway. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Whatever is or isn't manifesting in my body is just Life doing Life. I give this up to that which will handle it with ease....that to which it belongs. I trust that Life knows what it is doing and it will do so with or without my consent. I might as well consent. I do not have to do anything else until I am inspired to do something. For now, it is all good.
Wow! I find so much peace in that.
All is well.
-Edmund Burke (https://www.brainyquote.com/lists/topics/top-10-patience-quotes)
Waiting
I am waiting on one more test...one that was going to be ordered to be done "now" and I am really not sure what this surgeon's interpretation of "now" is. Now to me means "same day" but to others it might mean in the next couple of weeks. Sigh! I want closure...I want to put this aside once and for all. I want someone to tell me what this mass is...a mass that is not showing up conclusively on the ultra sound and that I doubt if some even feel. I wasn't worried about it...because my intent all along was to give it 30 days after the infection to see if it was still there. I knew I probably had it assessed too early and that may have led to an exaggeration of it.(Felt larger because of the inflammation). That is why I was going to give it 30 days.
Worried
Once the inflammation began to go it appeared and felt differently but now I sadly know...it is still there. There is something there beyond the tiny cyst the ultrasound is picking up. It might be no more than scar tissue from ductal atresia. That's great...I just want to hear someone say that "It is definitely just scar tissue and nothing to worry about." And I am also getting some discomfort in the area lately that I didn't have before...I want someone to tell me..."It is just menopausal hormonal fluctuations causing the discomfort. All just coincidence. " Great...I would walk away and never think of it again. But I have a hard time pushing this aside now without definite closure. My mind wants and demands closure. I don't find peace with "Probably nothing. " Sigh
Resisting What Is
But again...this is all just resistance to what is. What is...is this presumption that it is probably nothing. What is...is this abnormal mass that may or may not be nothing. What is...is the circumstances that led me to this point of pondering: my family history, my personal history, the infection, my feeling the mass, my GP feeling the mass, the cyst that shows up on ultrasound( which seems to be what others stop at and which by the way I never felt), other differentiated opinion(some concerned, some aren't), what shows up or doesn't show up on examination and testing. So many circumstantial things come into play. This is what is in the foreground of my life.
The Problem is the Mind
Ugh! But the most important factor that brought me here to this point of frustration and worry is my mind...what my mind is doing with this "stuff". It is clinging...trying to analyze, problem solve, fix in the way it is used to doing. It is trying to put puzzle pieces together without all the pieces on the table so it creates a distorted image. It infers and makes assumptions. It is chattering away with , "What if...", "It is all happening again. You will never get a diagnosis..." and, "you got to do something." It almost wants to focus on this so it doesn't have to focus on other somewhat draining things in my life. This "new drama" trumps all the other stressors my mind feels it has to deal with. Wow!
My mind is the issue not the breast or the circumstances. My mind is the problem.
Letting Go for Peace of Mind
I need to let go of this with or without definite validation from others. I had the hardest time doing that with my other health issues and it nearly drove me over the deep end. I won't do that here. I am aware of what is and I am also aware there is a lot I don't know. That is okay. In the physical sense, I have done my part. I went and showed the mass to someone. I went for the tests. I went for the consults. I must let go of the physical part of this to the professionals. This is not history repeating itself anywhere but in my mind. I can wait patiently.
Most importantly, I can let go to a higher power. I can let go to God. This isn't about "me'' anyway. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Whatever is or isn't manifesting in my body is just Life doing Life. I give this up to that which will handle it with ease....that to which it belongs. I trust that Life knows what it is doing and it will do so with or without my consent. I might as well consent. I do not have to do anything else until I am inspired to do something. For now, it is all good.
Wow! I find so much peace in that.
All is well.
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Blocked
There is no rule on how it is to write...Sometimes it comes easily and perfectly. Sometimes it is like drilling rock and then blasting it out with charges.
-Earnest Hemingway ( https://www.suttermedia.net/5-quotes-from-ernest-hemingway-may-help-writers-block/)
Fifteen years ago, around this time I received a call that my sister was gone. Fifteen years have passed. Hmmm!
I have had her story open in My documents for weeks now and I have such a hard time getting to it, for some reason, always finding a reason not to go there. All I have to write is 1000 words a day... I write more than that in my sleep lol...why can I not go to this story and give it 1000 measly words a day? I just get this pit in my stomach when I look at where I am at now...this big ball of blocked energy...a sign that healing is necessary. Hmmm! This story will be my healing and it will require my healing at the same time. What does a person do with that?
I want this story to be very well written for her sake as well as my own. That holds me back too.
Ticker is actually acting up as I think of that...go figure. I will somehow find my way through this rock and then I will blast the story out of me somehow. I know I will feel tremendous relief as a result.
It is all good.
-Earnest Hemingway ( https://www.suttermedia.net/5-quotes-from-ernest-hemingway-may-help-writers-block/)
Fifteen years ago, around this time I received a call that my sister was gone. Fifteen years have passed. Hmmm!
I have had her story open in My documents for weeks now and I have such a hard time getting to it, for some reason, always finding a reason not to go there. All I have to write is 1000 words a day... I write more than that in my sleep lol...why can I not go to this story and give it 1000 measly words a day? I just get this pit in my stomach when I look at where I am at now...this big ball of blocked energy...a sign that healing is necessary. Hmmm! This story will be my healing and it will require my healing at the same time. What does a person do with that?
I want this story to be very well written for her sake as well as my own. That holds me back too.
Ticker is actually acting up as I think of that...go figure. I will somehow find my way through this rock and then I will blast the story out of me somehow. I know I will feel tremendous relief as a result.
It is all good.
Relief
Relief
Remove just one shackle that keeps you chained
to this old way of thinking;
take one brick away from the load
you carry on your back;
pour one drop of truth's elixir between
your parched and blistered lips;
apply cooling ointment to one wound
that oozes and throbs from the captor's whip;
give yourself one moment to sit and rest
your weary bones and hurting feet;
allow yourself just one breath of freedom
from the torment your mind inflicts...
so mercilessly....
....and you will experience Relief.
Relief is not something I or the world can offer you.
It is something you must give yourself....
for you are both the captive
and the captor
in your story of Dukkha.
Be kind...
remove yourself from this suffering....
with one bout of relief at a time.
Set yourself free....
and all will follow.
Dale-Lyn December 2019
All is well!
Saturday, December 7, 2019
Joy
Joy is the reward, really, of seeking to give joy to others.
- You know who ( desk top calendar...Andrew's McMeel, 2018)
- You know who ( desk top calendar...Andrew's McMeel, 2018)
The Art of Mind Training
The training of the mind is an art. If this can be considered as art, one's life is an art.
-Dalai Lama (desktop calendar; Andrews McMeel Publishing; 2018)
There was something very profound that I wanted to write about. It came to me in a dream and once again I said, "Ahhh...not getting up. Too tired. I will remember it when I do get up in the morning." Well I didn't remember it lol.
When am I going to learn to get up when these things come to me? Imagine if Milton didn't get up when "Paradise Lost" came to him...we would be without one of the greatest epic poems of history. :)
Not that I have such an inspiration for classic pieces of literature rumbling through my dreaming mind in the middle of the night lol...but there is something I know I need to be tapping into. Maybe it is nothing more than a jingle for a dog food commercial...but something is telling me I need to get up and write it down. :)
Don't go back to sleep.-Rumi
Anyway...ticker is acting up a bit , possibly related to the "stress" my mind convinced me I should be experiencing due to the recent circumstances. Brady enough to make me nauseated, chesty and weak...but atlas...have been here many, many times before and I will come around. Just glad I am not teaching a yoga class today. I may have given new meaning to downward facing dog. ( I have a tendency to faint when I feel like this). It is all good...it really is.
What was the major point of my inspiration last night? I know it fell along the same lines I have been writing about. You know... all the usual? That so called "happiness" is not found outside, it is found inside. That all there is to live is now. That we are so much more than our bodies, minds, circumstances. That we extend way beyond this idea of "little me" we fight so hard to defend and maintain. Hmm! I guess, it relates to today's quote from the calendar, to the art of training the mind to see and understand these truths.
The last couple of weeks were an amazing learning opportunity for mind training, for creating my own form of epic poetry throughout my day. I am grateful for this Life art.
Hmmm!
All is well.
-Dalai Lama (desktop calendar; Andrews McMeel Publishing; 2018)
There was something very profound that I wanted to write about. It came to me in a dream and once again I said, "Ahhh...not getting up. Too tired. I will remember it when I do get up in the morning." Well I didn't remember it lol.
When am I going to learn to get up when these things come to me? Imagine if Milton didn't get up when "Paradise Lost" came to him...we would be without one of the greatest epic poems of history. :)
Not that I have such an inspiration for classic pieces of literature rumbling through my dreaming mind in the middle of the night lol...but there is something I know I need to be tapping into. Maybe it is nothing more than a jingle for a dog food commercial...but something is telling me I need to get up and write it down. :)
Don't go back to sleep.-Rumi
Anyway...ticker is acting up a bit , possibly related to the "stress" my mind convinced me I should be experiencing due to the recent circumstances. Brady enough to make me nauseated, chesty and weak...but atlas...have been here many, many times before and I will come around. Just glad I am not teaching a yoga class today. I may have given new meaning to downward facing dog. ( I have a tendency to faint when I feel like this). It is all good...it really is.
What was the major point of my inspiration last night? I know it fell along the same lines I have been writing about. You know... all the usual? That so called "happiness" is not found outside, it is found inside. That all there is to live is now. That we are so much more than our bodies, minds, circumstances. That we extend way beyond this idea of "little me" we fight so hard to defend and maintain. Hmm! I guess, it relates to today's quote from the calendar, to the art of training the mind to see and understand these truths.
The last couple of weeks were an amazing learning opportunity for mind training, for creating my own form of epic poetry throughout my day. I am grateful for this Life art.
Hmmm!
All is well.
Friday, December 6, 2019
The Unseen Blessings of the Mind
A man's felicity consists not in the outward and visible blessing of fortune, but in the inward and unseen perfections and riches of the mind.
-Thomas Carlyle
So, so tired this morning. My day turned out much better yesterday than I expected. Well I really wasn't placing expectations on it anyway and because of that lack of attachment to outcome, I walked away relieved but not thrilled or over-joyed. The thing is...it didn't impact me that much other than offering a bit of relief of the worry I carried (though I kept saying I wasn't carrying it lol). I really was ready to accept whatever...wasn't going to be blown away by bad news nor would I be jumping up and down with "good". I was just going to accept! Which, I have come to believe after years of doing things the hard way, is the healthiest way to approach Life.
Well, I did not get the life altering news I thought might have been possible to receive, which definitely provides a great deal of relief from an imminent threat. But (I feel guilty putting a but in there :))...I didn't get the closure either. More tests...I need to go for more darned tests. Ugh!!!! I am one of those people that do not like to be in between things. Either tell me it is something so I can begin processing or tell me it is nothing so I can walk away and put it out of my mind forever.
But atlas...this is what we got and where we are. It really is no big deal! If it were a big deal...that would have been put on the table yesterday. That would have been obvious. So that is a blessing and the relief it brings now is also a blessing.
Though I didn't get ..."It's nothing...put it out of your mind...all done!" ...the outcome of yesterday's appointment could have been much worse.
I am so grateful for the care and attention the professionals ( especially my GP) devoted to this matter. I am even more grateful for the new way I can use this mind of mine with its unseen perfections and riches.
I am blessed.
-Thomas Carlyle
So, so tired this morning. My day turned out much better yesterday than I expected. Well I really wasn't placing expectations on it anyway and because of that lack of attachment to outcome, I walked away relieved but not thrilled or over-joyed. The thing is...it didn't impact me that much other than offering a bit of relief of the worry I carried (though I kept saying I wasn't carrying it lol). I really was ready to accept whatever...wasn't going to be blown away by bad news nor would I be jumping up and down with "good". I was just going to accept! Which, I have come to believe after years of doing things the hard way, is the healthiest way to approach Life.
Well, I did not get the life altering news I thought might have been possible to receive, which definitely provides a great deal of relief from an imminent threat. But (I feel guilty putting a but in there :))...I didn't get the closure either. More tests...I need to go for more darned tests. Ugh!!!! I am one of those people that do not like to be in between things. Either tell me it is something so I can begin processing or tell me it is nothing so I can walk away and put it out of my mind forever.
But atlas...this is what we got and where we are. It really is no big deal! If it were a big deal...that would have been put on the table yesterday. That would have been obvious. So that is a blessing and the relief it brings now is also a blessing.
Though I didn't get ..."It's nothing...put it out of your mind...all done!" ...the outcome of yesterday's appointment could have been much worse.
I am so grateful for the care and attention the professionals ( especially my GP) devoted to this matter. I am even more grateful for the new way I can use this mind of mine with its unseen perfections and riches.
I am blessed.
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
Hope for Happiness??
I always say the purpose of life is to be happy. There are no guarantees about the future, but we live in hope.
-Dalai Lama ( the calendar)
The Problem with the word Happiness
I am always cautious with the word happy. It is just a word doing nothing but pointing a finger at something deeper but the word itself has always seemed too superficial to me for some reason. Happiness seems to be an ego word, representing something conditional and gained by seeking outside the Self. I prefer joy, peace, compassion, love....to happiness. Just me, I guess, and the way the word resonates inside me ( it doesn't lol). Now I do use it, a lot, knowing that others look at it differently.
So anyway...the purpose of life is to be happy ( i.e. joyful, open, alive, peaceful, grateful, enthusiastic, inspired, compassionate and loving). And if we are not feeling it now in this present moment we "hope" that we will reach that "happiness" in some moment up ahead.
The future as we all know can not be predicted, controlled, fixed or guaranteed to go a certain way. As long as we seek happiness in it and depend on everything in the future working out a certain way, the less likely we will actually find this idea of happiness.
But as the Dalai Lama says we live in hope of finding it someday. Hmmm! Hope is another concept that trips me up. (My bad for contradicting the Dalai Lama) .
The Problem with the Concept of Hope
Now it has its merits for sure. I much prefer the feeling of so called hope over the feeling of despair...big time. It is a nice feeling to hope...it pulls us from the depth of defeat and makes one a little taller and more energetic. That's good. There is no doubt about that but hope again takes us away from the present moment to the future where we assume, project, and wait for this thing called happiness. It is still a future projection. The hope we are looking for is usually based on conditional outcomes, depending on something to change in our external environments to make us happy, is it not??
Does that not deny the truth that all we need to be happy is right here , right now regardless of what is going on around us or to us?
See...I have this conditioned notion right now that I need "hope" to get me through tomorrow and the upcoming days and weeks. Most people, if they knew what I had going on, would say, "Be positive! Don't give up hope. Things will work out!" I myself, would probably say that to someone having the same experience.
Yet, things may or may not have the outcome others would deem necessary for happiness. Yes, things may work out positively and that is great. Everything may be just honky dory after tomorrow which will definitely make feeling peace a lot easier, let me tell ya.
But....
At the same time I know, after all my seeking truth, that my peace does not have to be dependent on what happens tomorrow. My waiting for a positive outcome tomorrow is not going to allow peace ( my version of happiness) to flow through me right now. Let me rephrase that...it is not going to connect me to the feeling of peace that is flowing through me right now.
Does that make sense?
Hope is a higher energy frequency than defeat is. (Don't get tripped up by that 'energy' word...you know how tired and listless you feel in defeat and despair...compared to the skip in your jump when you are optimistic and hopeful...right? That's energy!) You want that energy. But it is not "hope' that you need.
Just Don't Close!
You want the opening it provides. You do want that higher energy coursing through you and your Life. You do want to feel grateful, in awe of Life, enthusiastic...what his holiness refers to as "happy". Our purpose is to keep that energy flowing in us and others.
All I am saying is that we just need to tap into that feeling that is already in us, always will be in us...right here, right now!!! We don't wait until things turn out a certain way and hope for the best!!! Regardless of any possible outcome we open up now to this feeling. As long as we are not feeling it (whatever word you choose to use to describe it) ...we are simply closing up to what is there. It has nothing to do with what is going on around us or to us. We simply decide to be open ...which is translated by most people as ...we decide to be happy unconditionally. (Singer, 2007)
Hmmm! I am willing to be happy (i.e. joyful, peaceful, grateful, open, alive, enthusiastic, compassionate, loving etc.) unconditionally regardless of what tomorrow's outcome is. I don't need hope. I just need to stop closing.
All is well.
Michael Singer ( 2007) the untethered soul. Oakland,CA: New Harbinger/NoeticBooks
-Dalai Lama ( the calendar)
The Problem with the word Happiness
I am always cautious with the word happy. It is just a word doing nothing but pointing a finger at something deeper but the word itself has always seemed too superficial to me for some reason. Happiness seems to be an ego word, representing something conditional and gained by seeking outside the Self. I prefer joy, peace, compassion, love....to happiness. Just me, I guess, and the way the word resonates inside me ( it doesn't lol). Now I do use it, a lot, knowing that others look at it differently.
So anyway...the purpose of life is to be happy ( i.e. joyful, open, alive, peaceful, grateful, enthusiastic, inspired, compassionate and loving). And if we are not feeling it now in this present moment we "hope" that we will reach that "happiness" in some moment up ahead.
The future as we all know can not be predicted, controlled, fixed or guaranteed to go a certain way. As long as we seek happiness in it and depend on everything in the future working out a certain way, the less likely we will actually find this idea of happiness.
But as the Dalai Lama says we live in hope of finding it someday. Hmmm! Hope is another concept that trips me up. (My bad for contradicting the Dalai Lama) .
The Problem with the Concept of Hope
Now it has its merits for sure. I much prefer the feeling of so called hope over the feeling of despair...big time. It is a nice feeling to hope...it pulls us from the depth of defeat and makes one a little taller and more energetic. That's good. There is no doubt about that but hope again takes us away from the present moment to the future where we assume, project, and wait for this thing called happiness. It is still a future projection. The hope we are looking for is usually based on conditional outcomes, depending on something to change in our external environments to make us happy, is it not??
Does that not deny the truth that all we need to be happy is right here , right now regardless of what is going on around us or to us?
See...I have this conditioned notion right now that I need "hope" to get me through tomorrow and the upcoming days and weeks. Most people, if they knew what I had going on, would say, "Be positive! Don't give up hope. Things will work out!" I myself, would probably say that to someone having the same experience.
Yet, things may or may not have the outcome others would deem necessary for happiness. Yes, things may work out positively and that is great. Everything may be just honky dory after tomorrow which will definitely make feeling peace a lot easier, let me tell ya.
But....
At the same time I know, after all my seeking truth, that my peace does not have to be dependent on what happens tomorrow. My waiting for a positive outcome tomorrow is not going to allow peace ( my version of happiness) to flow through me right now. Let me rephrase that...it is not going to connect me to the feeling of peace that is flowing through me right now.
Does that make sense?
Hope is a higher energy frequency than defeat is. (Don't get tripped up by that 'energy' word...you know how tired and listless you feel in defeat and despair...compared to the skip in your jump when you are optimistic and hopeful...right? That's energy!) You want that energy. But it is not "hope' that you need.
Just Don't Close!
You want the opening it provides. You do want that higher energy coursing through you and your Life. You do want to feel grateful, in awe of Life, enthusiastic...what his holiness refers to as "happy". Our purpose is to keep that energy flowing in us and others.
All I am saying is that we just need to tap into that feeling that is already in us, always will be in us...right here, right now!!! We don't wait until things turn out a certain way and hope for the best!!! Regardless of any possible outcome we open up now to this feeling. As long as we are not feeling it (whatever word you choose to use to describe it) ...we are simply closing up to what is there. It has nothing to do with what is going on around us or to us. We simply decide to be open ...which is translated by most people as ...we decide to be happy unconditionally. (Singer, 2007)
Hmmm! I am willing to be happy (i.e. joyful, peaceful, grateful, open, alive, enthusiastic, compassionate, loving etc.) unconditionally regardless of what tomorrow's outcome is. I don't need hope. I just need to stop closing.
All is well.
Michael Singer ( 2007) the untethered soul. Oakland,CA: New Harbinger/NoeticBooks
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