The Beauty In Being Humbled

 

A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

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I had an eye -opening experience yesterday, a humbling one, one that put ego in its place, and left me a little "off" as I contemplated it throughout the day and even into the night. It is an experience I am grateful for despite what it did to my poor old ego lol.

I believe I failed something that I assumed would come so easy to me...an assessment I used informally on others in so many different ways over my years as a tutor and in writing a book (by a name that ironically encapsulated the purpose of the testing). The experience yesterday was as humbling as having the pre-read assessment of other books I have written resulting in a "not quite good enough" from someone before I did what I intended to do with them. Hmm!  I recognized ego being deflated as I was tested...knowing when I was getting it and when I wasn't hearing or pronouncing what I was supposed to.  On hindsight I now know what I could have done to make the results better but during the testing that " know-how" somehow escaped me. And I "over thought" the answers instead of allowing my natural language speaking ability to lead the way. I didn't perform well lol. 

Though I knew at the closing that I didn't do as well as I thought I would and felt a sense of "embarrassment" and " failure" as the air hissed its way out of ego's balloon...I also felt so much gratitude for the experience. I recognized that this human had some work to do, not only in regard to phonemic and phonological awareness...but also in putting a way a need to make ego appear greater than it was. It was humbling! I am grateful for that humbling. 

It also gave me the opportunity to experience what it is like to be a struggling reader on the other side of that assessment, be it formal or informal. Though I believe I have always been very empathetic, caring, patient, and encouraging with my struggling readers pointing out their strengths and potential...this added new light to any similar endeavors I might potentially take on in the future ( if I ever do after this testing that is...lol). I recognized, as well, the importance of having the right degree of "know-how" in the person working with each student who is struggling to read...(or in the author of a book purporting to assist others in such matters. So, I need to go back and practice all that I am asking others to practice :)   When it comes down to teaching in any of its forms...it is about the student and not the ego of the teacher/tutor/ strategist/ or author. I want each student to get what they need to succeed...and if I am truly not skilled enough to provide that...so be it. I need to accept that reality and excuse myself from the table so someone who is skilled enough can sit down.  The axiom that fueled my approach in nursing, and later in my approach to teaching became loud in my head..."First...do no harm." Sigh!

So, I sincerely thanked the assesor for the experience and walked away feeling a mixture of things as I processed what happened. It did trigger some old samskaras, of course, but it also showed that I am opening up new neural pathways in response to such perceived failures.  I am seeing the learning, the growing opportunity, and the healing that can come from being humbled. That, I believe, is a beautiful thing.

All is well.

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