You go to work for the same reason an artist paints in the woods in her spare time when no one will ever see the painting..... "I have something in me that wants to express itself and work is the manifestation of that expression." And someday you are going to find out that it doesn’t make any difference what you are doing. It is the expression and the act of doing it that brings about joy, that brings about fulfillment. Work is not a place that you go to get something so you can be fulfilled. Work is a place that you go that in sharing and giving you achieve a state of fulfillment.
Michael A. Singer
I was reminded of the above truth yesterday, many hours after I wrote the entry I did yesterday about "not working." I was wondering what to do with the books I have already written in my questioning , "should I write more?" This ego didn't get the compensation egos expect from "work" ...especially "finished works" that took much effort, struggle, and time. It did not get the right kind of feedback other than , "Maybe you shouldn't give those books to others...they are not quite good enough yet." That one line from one person led me to abandon a project I was so passionate about. I gave up on the books I already wrote in this little series and I gave up the notion of writing the others I intended to write. I also abandoned the books and the teaching I was hoping to offer to newcomers to help them improve their English...to help break down those barriers of connection they may be experiencing in a new country. Not only did I abandon these things I chastised this human I call "me" for having the arrogance and audacity for even writing them...and actually handing out a few copie sto ohers. "Who does she think she is?" I was observing myself go through a very challenging and heavy sense of failure intensified with shame. Nasty! Why? Becasue I wrote some books. Duh!
When I was writing all these books I wrote I was not focusing on the outcome. I was not focusing solely on getting to some proverbial podium...I was like the guy climbing the skyscraper...climbing for the sake of climbing...loving what I was doing...enjoying the process even though it required time and effort...It was, for the most part, effortless action and non-resistance that I offered these projects as well as passion...a great deal of passion. I felt inspired...I felt connected to each moment I was writing these books....time just flew by. I felt a purpose for being here...like I had some worthwhile thing to offer the world. It really wasn't about ego...but ..
Ego did pop in again and again...to wonder about the perks, the path that would generate an income while I did what I loved ( teach). It was not only the writing and the creating part of these projects that motivated me...it was the teaching. Man, I truly just love to teach! Redeemer ego wanted to use these "soul-inspired" projects to redeem this "me" and when "me" got anything but redeemed from these completed works...when there was no "fruits of action" to claim, Shamer ego qickly replaced ego. That one bit of constructive feedback from another just validated Shamer's presence. Sigh! So, I chastised myself for my arrogance, slipped all the books in a box, out of sight, and gave up even talking about them, let alone doing anything with them. I was embarassed. Ego was so prominent, I forgot why I wrote them in the first place. I forgot how I felt when I wrote them.
I also forgot how much I love to teach and how my soul is constantly looking for avenues where I can teach...like for example here or in my vlogg. Shamer will still come in with, "Who am I to teach anyone anything?" followed by a Redeemer that says, "Maybe you will reap rewards for teaching in some way. Imagine getting paid for doing what you love to do? Maybe, teaching in this way will save you? Maybe it will put an end to Shamer once and for all?" Then, just as quickly Shamer will pop back up to say, "Not so quick buddy! Who do you think you are "teaching" anyone anything. You do not have the qualifications. Your writing is far from perfect. ...and look people are telling you it isn't good enough! Shame on you for thinking otherwise!"
When the ego twins are not battling it out, teaching is a truly giving experience for me. I know I was made to be a teacher of some kind. I "open" when I teach. Sure, I need money and it would be nice to be paid for what I love to do...but truth is I just love teaching. And because of that, I am good at it. Its my thing...just as climbing was the thing for the guy on Netflix. I don't need to get to the top, I just need to climb. :)
YYesterday, I sat down at my desk in the office in eye view of the language learning book I had given up on. I felt the cringe in my belly...a sign of some repressed and suppresed thing I was resisting. With this stuck feeling, I visualized Shamer having Redeemer down in a headlock, and I wanted to "do something", anything to escape this feeling of shame induced stuckness. I seen myself resisting the feeling and the moment I was in, looking for something more or "other than." A common but unwholesome trait...for sure...but through it something wanted to be heard. As I looked at the book in front of me, I felt this compulsion to open up the Youtube channel full of tutorials I created to support the learning this book offered. I opened it up and the next thing I knew I was opening up a blank power point presentation creating another tutorial. It felt wonderful!!! I felt so absorbed and lost in the process! I remembered, again, why I wrote the books I wrote - for the joy of it. There was no "me"...just this teacher creating teaching material. I said to myself..."It doesn't matter if anyone other than these 4 subscribers I have on my channel ever hear of me; it doesn't matter if I make another cent in my life teaching...I can still teach. I can teach for the sake of teaching; just like I come here to do what I do here for the sake of something I do not understand." I felt such purpose and passion and joy just doing what some would call " a stupid powerpoint presentation."
In those hours there was no Redeemer or no Shamer...there was no ego at all... and it was so freeing!
"I I have something in me that wants to express itself...and this work is the manifestation of that expressing.
All is well
W
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