A spiritual void is a, often uncomfortable, stage in a spiritual journey characterized by feelings of emptiness, lack of purpose, and disconnection from a higher power. It represents a "spiritual cacoon" phase following a dark night of the soul where old identities were dissolved but new ones haven't yet emerged. It is not a permanent state, but a necessary, albiet difficult period of rest and inner reorganization.
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Since I moved to this spot almost six weeks ago...I did not "do" much in terms of "social productivity"and purpose. I didn't make a cent to offset the cost of the transition. Nor, did I embrace the solitude for deeper spiritual connection. Sigh!
The idea was that this would be much more affordable in the long run...but we are not in the long part of the run yet. We are just getting out of the blocks. It wasn't such a graceful start for this human I call "me". She has already tripped over her own feet, nose-planted into the track, and is now having hard time getting back up. "Awkward!" :) I spent a lot and haven't worked to earn an income to repay what was spent...only because the opportunities have not arrived for a shift I could take or get to. (And to be honest...I avoid because I hate being on call...a thing from my days as a casual nurse that still haunts me...I prefer a predictable routine when it comes to work.) I applied for work on-line...flunked an assessment I thought would come so naturally to me...even if I were to get the job after that...they can no longer get a hold of me because I have lost my phone. (I bought out my phone a while back with the intention of reducing my phone bill. Life has a great sense of humour, doesn't it lol?) Anyway...a lot of debt and little money coming in. (I am sure others can relate to that one :)) So, I have a bit of a "cringe" feeling when I look at my bank account , especially when I have loved ones calling me to say, "Could you lend me this until I get paid?" I seem to be their only option for the things that are "needed." Isn't that ironic considering the state of my financial affairs? Like really. I also feel the need to find the money somehow and in someway, even if it means going into much greater debt, to get a loved one into a program that she feels might may save her life...or at the very least, save me, in the sense of my being able to say, "I did everything a parent could possibly do. The rest is up to you." So...I can at least make peace with any possible outcome. Sigh!
This move was not only meant as a finacial salvation or a means to assist those I left behind to become more socially, financially, and emotionally independent of this "me" (which is not working very well for some...let me tell ya), but also for this me to gain a little "peace and space" to focus on the healing I have to do. Hmm! Not so successful in that area either lol. I have been called down to assist with the "consequence of my leaving" or pulled into that dramatic consequence via phone many times a day since I closed those doors behind me. Think of that line from the Godfather, "They keep pulling me back in!!" . Sigh! Pretty heavy. I have not, as of yet, had as much peace as I assumed I would find here. I do find it out there when I am walking (when I don't hear robins singing lol), when I do my Tai Chi and yoga practice, and when I meditate. But...I have not been meditating enough ...for one reason or another. Sigh! I may not be able to control much but I can control how many times I sit to meditate and how long I stay there. Sigh! (How many sighs was that?)
Writing? Other than what I write here, haven't done much of that either. I sat down at my desk yesterday in the small office we created and pulled out a novel I was working on...and it was like, "What do I do with this? What do I do with anything I wrote? Just let them sit on my book shelf collecting dust?" I was stuck!
Why am I so forking stuck?
Could it be that I am in what some would call the "spiritual void", a place where I feel "stuck" but I am not really stuck? I did very recently go through a "dark night of the soul" where I really had a good look at my ego identities and began the process of getting beyond them. I observe the way things are working out now: no calls for work, failing an assessment, losing my phone, the distance between here and there so I cannot "respond" as quickly as others would like; no money to the point of soon not being able to lend 20 dollars to a suffering other; not having a car; this feeling of isoation and "boredom." Maybe... all are exactly as they should be so that I do what needs to be done...focus on this human and heal? Sigh.(must go back and count all the sighs I put down here lol) . Maybe? It would be nice to attribute some higher meaning to this thing I am experiencing. I would like to think of it as a temporary cacoon that I will emerge beautifully from...instead of a rut that is sucking me in.
All is well
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