Acceptance vs The Giving -Up-On-Wanting Cancer

Accepting the present moment just as it is, is not the same as giving up.  When we give up, we are listening to the voices of doubt. When we accept, we are quieting those voices and listening to the silent whispers of  the spirit.
Dean Jackson (Poet)

I wrote yesterday about getting beyond that feeling of "not having" to healthy wanting.  I guess, I also need to speak a little more on healthy accepting.  There is a difference between accepting what is and giving up on expectation for desire fulfillment...a big difference.

Though we may assume we are in acceptance mode when we don't get frazzled when something, we were so sure was about to show up, doesn't we might actually be on our way to succumbing to the  giving- up -on -wanting cancer.  How do we know if our approach to acceptance is getting sick?

Sick  Acceptance

We will know this defeatist attitude is beginning to grow in us like a malignant tumour, replacing our healthy wanting cells, when we adopt and "Oh well!  That's Life " attitude to every disappointment and unfulfilled desire we encounter.

When our bank accounts  are still in the red after years of practicing "allowing," for example,  and we hear ourselves saying "Oh well!  That's life. I better get used to it." ...we are getting sick

Sure we have not yet  come out and  said the taboo words of manifesting , "I will never get what I want anyway, so why should I even bother wanting. " but that is the thought direction we are heading in. 

The universe responds to that thought vibration by holding back.  Things are not showing up.  Time is passing from days, months, to years and still our desires go unfulfilled.  It will seem that the universe is not answering our request.

When we assume that our requests are being denied, we begin to believe that disappointment, frustration, a lack of,  is permanently etched into our future and there is no escaping our destiny.  The time and space between what we want and where we are takes up all our attention.

The Giving-Up-On-Wanting Cancer

When our attention is there, we are  creating more of what we don't want and more distance, time and space between what we originally asked for and where we are now. It is uncomfortable here in the in between so we step back onto the familiar and somewhat stable ground of not having.  At this point, we are very sick.

We are mentally going beyond accepting what is... to giving up on what could be.  When we find ourselves "sucking it up" more that we are "launching it out there"  ...we are pretty much getting to the more advanced stages. Our dreams are dying...well they are dying in our minds and in our minds only.

Source will not be deterred

Source will still provide no matter how our dreams mutate and decay.  Source will still pick up the energy vibration brought about by contrast and send a rocket of desire out on our behalf. (Abraham) Source will answer us.  Source will look after us always...providing for us constantly.  Source doesn't recognize cancer or illness in any form. 

The giving-up-on wanting cancer, therefore,  will not deter Source but it will deter us from realizing the gifts Source is providing for us.   With this disease we lose the ability to see clearly. We can no longer see how we are loved, protected, provided for and that all we have to do is ask and we will receive. We stop expecting because it is becoming too painful and disappointing.  It is easier to just say "That's Life!  and that is the way my life is going to be!"

We go beyond giving-in to the wisdom of life flow to giving up on the abundance the life flow carries with it for us.  We go beyond accepting to succumbing. We go from soaking up the positivity God offers to being buried under the negativity Ego offers.

This is us backing away from God...not vice versa.  God has not backed away from us! 

When we lose connection to our desire...we lose the awareness of our connection to Source...and  we stop allowing all that is intended for us to come to us.  We will be stuck in a state of not having.  It has to be understood...that we are not accepting here...we are giving up.

Accept, don't succumb

Acceptance of what is, is essential to our growth and expansion as human beings but we need to know the difference between  accepting and succumbing. 

Acceptance says,  "This is the way my life is right now...I may not like it...but I will desire this or that and I will get it so that I don't stay here in this situation I do not desire." 

Acceptance shows the contrast, sends out the desire and is full of faith and hope in the outcome. 

Succumbing is accepting the now for what it is...sure...but it looks at all the lack, all the disappointment, and time between the asking and the receiving of requests as being all there is.  Succumbing says, "It sucks but I guess I have to live like this.  Might as well settle in and make the most of it because it isn't going to get better."

There is no faith in succumbing...no hope...that the next moment will be better...that this moment can have more in it beyond acceptance. There is no more "wanting" or desiring because it seems so hopeless.

There is no moving up the emotional scale in succumbing...where there is in true acceptance. 

True acceptance takes us up the ladder...succumbing to the giving-up-on-wanting cancer will only bring us down farther.

I realize that I have this mental cancer .  One of the reasons why things do not seem  to happen for me as quickly as I would like; why my life is not changing for ways I think are better and more desirable...is because my thinking is sick. 

I need surgery and chemotherapy before I can begin to get better.  I need to cut out the "Oh Well!  That's Life!  I better get used to it!" thoughts that fill my moments and that have been subconsciously  causing so much pressure. I also  need to infuse myself with treatments of hope and faith.

With the right amount of care, the tumours will shrink and healthy new wanting cells will take their place.  :) I am confident of that. 

All is well in my world.

Ten Steps to Healthy Wanting

Be happy with what you have while working for what you want.
Helen Keller

Wanting

What do you wish for? More money or, if you are like me, at least enough to get by lol.  More health? Happiness? A big home? A better job? That promotion? Recognition? A relationship? A healthier relationship? What is it that you want? More importantly, how do you want?

Sometimes we get lost in our wanting. 

Though wanting is necessary for our growth and expansion we need to be very mindful of how we are wanting. 

If we want from a state of lacking and despair...we focus our attention on the empty feeling of not having what we want. This empty feeling of longing desperately enfolds us like a dark cocoon that keeps us from the light desire is meant to offer.

We focus on not having.  We concentrate on what we don't yet have.  We dwell on the absence of , creating more and more distance between the thing of our desire and where we are.  We focus on the seemingly widening time and space  between us and it.   We live the experience of being without.

 We begin to focus on the very opposite of what it is we want. We concentrate on how little we have in our account now; how small our house is now; how far from wellness we seem to be now; how much we hate our present job and how the boss will never promote us over so and so now.  We focus on our loneliness or all the things that are wrong in our relationships now.

When we experience this phenomenon we are lost in wanting.  We are stuck in it. We feel abandoned, victimized, left out, forgotten, unworthy, unappreciated, punished, less than, angry, hungry, desperate, frustrated, hopeless and in despair because we do not have what we want. 

These feelings bring us down the emotional ladder, farther away from the joy we assume the fulfillment of our desire will provide.  Ironically, the more we want from a state of "not having"...the farther away from this fulfillment we seem to be.

Many of us want from this state of "not having."   Do you?  If you are there...how much do you appreciate?  Are you even aware of the things you do have in your life?  The blessings?

Wanting is the thing that allows us to grow and expand as human beings. It sets us apart from all other creatures.  If we did not want we would not receive.  We would not grow.  We would not expand.  We are meant to want for the evolution of our species!!  We just need to be careful how we do it.   So how do we want in the healthiest way?

 

Ten Steps to Healthy Wanting

 

1. Accept where you are right now.  Accept life as it is right now.  Accept this moment, whatever is in it, as being exactly the way it is meant to be right now. Do not resist it.  Do not focus on all the things you do not want in it...see them...yes... but just let them be. Don't spend your energy building cases against what is.  So right now you do not have a lot of money.  Like me, you may be struggling just to get by.  That's okay...it is what it is right now.  Maybe you are in a job you do not like...that's okay, it is what it is right now.  Maybe you do not have a significant person in your life...that's okay...it is what it is right now. You do not have to "like" the way things are but you will get no where until you at least acknowledge and accept things the way they are.  Resistance of what is will keep you stuck!

 

2. Know that contrast starts the fulfillment of your desire.  It is when we have things in our life that we do not want...that we begin to want.  We automatically send out  little rockets of desire, as Abraham calls them, when we recognize these things we would rather not have or the lack of something.  This is the contrast that sets the wheels in motion.  If you are experiencing pain...you automatically send a desire out for pain relief.  If you are experiencing hunger...you automatically send a desire out for food.  When you experience loneliness...you automatically send a desire out for  companionship.  When a bill collector calls...you automatically send a desire out for more money (I have a lot of rockets going in that direction lol). You do not necessarily have to be conscious of these desires when you are conscious of the contrast. So think of it this way:  the more contrast you have in your life (the more lack you perceive, the more pain, suffering etc.) means the more fulfilled desire you will have when you are ready to receive. The amount of "yucky" you are experiencing now is equal  to the amount of "goodies"   waiting for you on the other side of this wanting continuum. 

 

3. Recognize the contrast and then quickly let it go.  This is the hard part. Know what is missing, what you do not yet have but let it go.  So you know your bank account is in the red.  You are aware of that contrast.  Great...now let it go.  Do not focus on it.  Do not put a lot of energy into thinking about it, worrying about it or trying to fix it or control it.  Just let it go trusting in the universal laws to provide the contrast for it.

 

4. Replace that feeling of lack with appreciation of what you have.  This is the time to count your blessings.  Search high and search low for things to be grateful for...and there are plenty.  Some days you may be challenged.  Be grateful on those days for the fact that you are alive, that you can breathe...those are amazing miracles within themselves. Every time you are challenged by a reminder of how little you have, or what you are missing...focus on what you do have.  "I only have ten dollars in my account but I have a house full of love."  You need to feel the appreciation...so keep practicing with the blessing replacements that make you sincerely feel the most appreciation. Keep a long list of blessings that you collect over a period of time that you can refer to on those days when it seems really challenging to find that feeling.

 

5. Be Grateful in general.  Practice feeling gratitude.  It is the one emotion that can bring us up quickly and take us closer to the fulfilment of our desire. Use the ten second "Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You! " reboot throughout the day.  This increases a general feeling of appreciation.  It is a way of tapping into  the feeling of gratitude that comes from simply being alive.

 

 

6. Want from a state of having. Know what you have to be grateful for in terms of your blessings but also know that what you desire, you already have.  Once you recognized your contrast...your desire was fulfilled.  You just don't realize it yet,in terms of your sensual experience, because you created this time space distance between you and it.  Know that it is there waiting for you.  Affirm to yourself, "I asked so I have received."

 

7.  Be grateful for having the things you want. Say a prayer of gratitude for having the things you want.  "Thank you for the money in my account", even though you are in the red. " Thank You for my health," even though you  feel like crap. "Thank you for my new soul mate," even though they have not knocked on the door yet. "Thank you for this new job"  even though you are still parking in the same parking spot you have been parking in for fifteen years.

Practice being grateful as if what you wanted is already here.

 

8. Act as if you have what you want.  You can also act as if you have what you want. If you want money, for example, act as if you have money.  Give some away to the less fortunate...to those who have less than you. One of the greatest lessons my father ever taught us growing up was that, "There is always someone else out there that needs it more than you, so make it a point to give."  That lesson has seen me through some of my darkest perceptions of lack. Give to those who need it more than you. You can also keep  some money...even if you do not spend it...in your wallet...like a 100 dollar bill. Know it is there and you will perceive a full wallet and abundance.  If you want recognition from others...act as if you have it.  Walk around with your chin up and a smile of gratitude on your face for all your adoring fans.   Act as if until you know what is.

 

9. Feel like your desire has been fulfilled right now.  You assume that once you reach your dreams you will feel a certain way...you will be happy, peaceful, confident etc.  You do not have to wait until you get the object of your desire before you feel this way. It is not the thing that you want...it is the feeling that you assume the thing will bring.  You do not need the future or things to bring those feelings to you.  You want the peace and security you assume financial stability will bring?  Find peace and stability in this moment.  You want the love you think a soul mate will bring?   Feel love in this moment. Things do not bring feelings...we bring feelings.  The future is not where our life is...this moment is

 

10.  Make it your priority in life to feel good now.  If we want to live the lives we are meant to live, we need to feel good...love, joy, enthusiasm, bliss.  Those are the feelings that are meant for us.  We also need to recognize that life is right here, right now in this moment...not in the future and it is not dependent on us getting the things we want.  We need to feel "better"now, than "good", and eventually "great" .  Every moment should be an advancement up the emotional ladder from the feelings wrought by "not having" to the ones blessed by having: acceptance, appreciation, peace, joy, love.  It is important to feel good right now, right here.  Not only will we enjoy life so much more if we do that...those darn things we wanted in the first place...  will actually show up a lot faster the happier we are.

 

All is well in my world.





References:

Hicks, Ester & Jerry ( 2004) Ask and It is Given. Hay House.

 



Settle down and relax like a cat.  Everything will be okay, eventually.
Oscar Wilde

I know the trick to getting rid of this back pain is in getting ( or allowing) those muscles to relax.  I could learn a lot from my cats and I will relax.

I saw this pic opportunity and couldn't resist. (f/36, 1/200 sec, ISO-3200).  Shot in Raw and the magic happened in my trial of Light Room 5.  (I am not sure which version to buy if...when lol...I  have money again)

All is well!

Stretching into Gratitude

The single greatest thing you can do to improve your life today would be to start being grateful for what you have right now.
Oprah Winfrey

Another absolutely beautiful day.  Yesterday too was full of sunshine and mild breezes.  I soaked it up as much as I could after work.  I sat outside and marked papers, and went for a walk when D. got home.  As we walked under the beautiful old trees and over the pine needles that lined the trails,  I found myself looking up saying, "Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!" Just that alone filled me with something I have not been feeling enough of lately...something we all can be feeling all the time. Gratitude.  Then D. and I went for ice-cream ( I indulge on the lactose free once in a while...my only source of dairy...Ice cream has been one of my favorite foods despite my lactose intolerance and one of those things you can not help but be totally present while you eat it...rationalization at its best... lol :)).  Yes it was a good day...despite the back that was definitely intent on being heard; despite the post work fatigue...it was a good day and I was very grateful. I am grateful for today as well.

In my book,  Beyond Fear and Shame, There is Love, I write about the Ten Second Reboot. This little exercise can bring us back whenever we are feeling overwhelmed, curled up in submission, heavy with external pressures or just plain old exhausted.  It is literally  a throwing off of the burden, standing tall, reaching as high as you can and saying "Thank You!  Thank You!  Thank You!"  to absolutely everything.  The stretching tricks the body into feeling healthy, vibrant and alive.  It tricks the mind into feeling powerful and unlimited.  It reminds all of us of the powerful energy that runs though our bodies and connects us to all around us. We are connected to the earth below us but we extend beyond physical form, beyond this world we have come to see as our reality. We are not overstretching when we do this...we are not trying to fool  our minds into believing we feel bliss when we don't. We are simply experiencing the feeling of "better" when we do this.  It makes you feel better.  It really does.  It is like making a choice..."I can continue to feel the way I do now...or I can feel better."  When I stretch up I automatically feel better even though my mind and body may be trying to convince me at the time...that it is not going to work and I am just crazier than a bag of hammers.

Saying "Thank you!" is the real magic though.  There is something so healing and so freeing in uttering those simple words. The act of looking up at the sky, feeling the earth beneath you and your muscles extending...makes appreciation so much easier to express.  Those two actions...the physical stretching and the verbal expression... allow our natural inclination for gratitude to be set free...so it flows through us sincerely.  You do not need to know exactly what you are thankful for or why...you just have to feel it, experience it.

Be thankful for where you are right now! Try the reboot  a couple of times today to see for yourself.  What have you got to lose...20 seconds out of your day and possibly the heavy burden you have been carrying for much too long. 

All is well in my world.

When the mind, body and spirit work as one, anything is possible.
Criss Angel

Beautiful sunny day and I am grateful. Having a little issue with the computer...we picked up a virus or something and I have a hard time getting into this blog.  I panic a little as this is how I have been starting my day everyday now for years.  It is an important ritual for me.  I get frustrated when I find obstacles but I am here.

Body/Mind Connection

Thinking more about the body and mind connection...the body, mind, spirit connection I should say.  I truly, truly see the way to health is through the mind...the way to the mind is through the spirit. 

Yet, after a day of listening to wonderful speakers talk about this connection: Christine Northrup, the late Wayne Dyer, Ester Hicks, Louise Hay, Deepak Chopra and Tony Robins...and doing my back exercises, some gentle stretching, relaxing and maybe a bit too much sitting...I ended up with an intensified version of the discomfort  that followed me around from 2 Pm to bed.  I had a hard time sitting but I couldn't stand for long.  I would pace and walk back and forth but that aggravated the ticker...so I had to stop. 

I was very much caught up in the body.  I accepted the discomfort as being there.  It was not overwhelming or something I couldn't bare.  I didn't resist.  I accepted it.  I did my best to listen to it but  I couldn't help but feel at certain points, "What am I doing wrong?"

The more aware I become of the mind, body, spirit connection...the more my body gets noisy? Why?  

My only explanation for that is my awareness is purely at a thought form level maybe...it has to be at a deeper level of knowing that is not interpreted or expressed through words. I have to know that I can control my body and eliminate pain at my very core. 

How do we get there from this intellectual knowing I have now?  That is where I am at in my learning.  How do we go from knowing at the level of the mind to open up to the knowing at the level of the soul? 

Wow!  That's exciting.  At least...through this new questioning... I know where my learning journey is taking me.  It is taking me back to my connection with the observer...and from there to God.  Is it not?  We assume knowing is intellectual when it isn't.  Knowing goes  beyond thought, beyond mind and body to who we really are...to that being that experiences life through our mind and body.

An Example

Anyway...I know someone who has a diagnosis of COPD...possibly quite advanced.    I  noticed signs since we met...clubbing of the fingernails that can only come with chronic hypoxia, a terrible cough, wheezing and SOB at times, weight loss and periods of decreased mental acuity and drowsiness  when his sats were low. 

This individual did not even know the name of his condition...I just happened upon it on a doctor's slip once. To him he just has "a little problem with the lungs."

He absolutely never complains...never stops because of it.  He is right now working 7 days a week at something he enjoys doing.  How can he be doing this when others would be house bound and possibly on O2 therapy if they had the same condition?  It is in his attitude and the way he approaches life that makes the difference in his health experience...his life experience. 

He doesn't see problems.  He sees only blessing.  In the two years I have known him, I have never seen him angry or upset.  He has a genuine smile on his face all the time...is kind and gentle with everyone he meets.  Walks slowly, moves slowly...seldom in a hurry.  He doesn't get frazzled when things go wrong because in his eyes he doesn't see things as going wrong.  He is a person who knows how to get beyond thought to being. 

Sometimes I will look over at him when he is sitting quietly, my own mind in a frenzy over this or that, and ask, "What are you thinking about?"  He will answer me with a big smile on his face..."Absolutely nothing!  I am just enjoying the view."

He knows how to be...and this is not something he works at.  It just comes naturally to him.  He does not fill his mind with all that garbage about illness too many of us do; doesn't see himself as ill...so he isn't ill.

 As a nurse who studied under the medical model, I unknowingly interfere with his experience from time to time when I observe his mental acuity being an issue or hear a cough that is getting worse.  I express my concern.  I put my thoughts into his reality at those times. He often gets past that influence but sometimes he seems to heed what I have to say and he ends up sick in bed with pneumonia like symptoms.  (The collective consciousness of illusion taking over again.)

I am learning to keep my mouth shut and to sit back and learn from him. 

All is well in my world.

More on the Effect of Belief on the Body

The body is a verb not a noun...
Deepak Chopra

We seldom think of the body as an action.  We see it, as we do many of the stuff around us, as things.  Yet the body is an energetic, ever moving, ever changing, vibrating, creating action.  It is an action. It is a doing not a being.  We, the observer,  inside the body are the being.  The body is never still, never quiet, never not doing...but the observer is always still, always quiet, never doing...just being.  The mind is the information system that controls the body and that is the body.  Every cell in your body is a part of that mind.  Every cell...every molecule  thinks, interprets, remembers and responds. Every molecule acts because every molecule has the moving energy of atoms within it.  Every molecule is an action...every cell is an action...every organ is an action and every body is an action...in the vast universe which is also an action. "Say what, crazy lady?"  Things are just the manifesting of this moving energy...what we experience as the world is the way our minds perceive and create  us and the world around us.  We use our minds to capture and still this vast moving energy into some "thing"  just so that we can make sense of it with our five senses and with even more "thought".

The world  as we created it is a process of our thinking.  It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.
Albert Einstein

So we are back to this familiar notion: the answer to all of the world's problems is a change in thought.   Our worlds are merely reflected thought form.  We (as we come to know ourselves ) are what we think  we  are and the world we live in is what we think it is.  Our bodies are healthy if we think with conviction they are healthy, ill if we think with conviction they are ill.  So why do we think illness thoughts if they are making us sick?  Why are we so convinced? Because we are culturally, socially trained to be so.  It is ingrained in our collective subconscious. Illness is a product of this culture and we prescribe to it.  We prescribe to the idea that our bodies are vulnerable to genetic and external forces in the form of disease.  We also prescribe to the idea that it is only something or someone outside ourselves that may have the power to make us better when we are ill. We then get sick because we are convinced we will and we depend on chemicals, treatments and others outside ourselves to make us better.  All this is just a twisted manifestation of our convictions and beliefs that society and culture has collectively enforced upon us.  What would happen if we believed we could never get sick...I mean truly believed that...would we get sick?  What would happen if we had ourselves convinced that we were already sick and then we changed that thinking around and became absolutely convinced that we could get better?  The many, many studies done on the Nocebo and Placebo effect prove how much our convictions effect our health and our recoveries.   It is belief that creates illness.  It is belief that creates wellness.  It is belief that creates everything we experience in this life: the good, the bad and the ugly. It is belief we must change if we want to experience life differently, healthfully and happily.

Our bodies are our gardens, to which our wills our gardeners.
William Shakespeare (Othello, Act One; scene 3)

All is well in my world.

It is raining this morning and the buds on the trees outside my window are coming out.  It is nice to see.  Life's cycle  is beginning all over again.  Sweet.  Back was so much better until I sat to watch a movie last night.   Oh well...it is coming.  Get it completely out of my mind and it will be out of my body.  :) My vehicle knows I have important places to go and it is going to take me there.  It is all good.

For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

On Driving Your Vehichle to Where You Really Want to Go

If you don't know where you are going, every road will get you nowhere.
Henry Kissinger ( Brainy quotes)

When the Body speaks

Back is still acting up but it is better...as long as I do not bend down or get up suddenly...it is all good.  I just want to know what it is trying to tell me?

Unlike my cardiac condition it carries another message ...and though its voice is not as frightening...it is probably more persistent.  I figure its reprimand  has something to do with the fact that I am not still enough, not listening enough.

The body is putting me in a position where I have to be still.  It knows I remain a bit stuck in my head...thinking, thinking, thinking, asking, asking, asking but I don't stop, close my eyes and sit silently waiting for an answer. :)   (In all fairness though...it was a meditation that got me into this mess in the first place lol.)

 I still try to keep busy with doing as well:  I write, submit, putter around here, make sure everyone is at least fed if I cannot do much for cleaning up after them other than some laundry and some dishes. I even attempted to clean the yard yesterday...was able to pick up some garbage but that was about it.  What should have been a 5-10 minute job took me over 40 minutes. Despite the pain...I keep going until I spasm up and can't move at all. My back is telling me to slow down and do less.

It is also telling me to avoid sitting for long periods.  I spasm up if I am in a chair for more than a few minutes at a time.  The big thing, I discovered, is not to sit on the couch or in any chair for too long.  So my writing flow is sporadic and interrupted by many trips to the kitchen or up and down the hall.

Am I being told not to write?  To take a break?  I look at my writing as the only thing that is keeping me sane these days lol...Am I being told to stop trying to hold on to something that was never there in the first place (my sanity)?  I don't know.  It's all good though.  In fact, I am even a little excited about the learning that this opportunity offers me.  

Learning in Pain

That is why I am boring you with this rampage about my back and sitting longer than I should to get it all down.  I want to remind you and me  there is learning in pain...and when the body breaks down there is a certain amount of humility that is good for the soul. 

I am reminded that my body is only a vehicle that I drive.  I didn't take the greatest care of it in my reckless pursuits down the bumpiest roads of life.  I didn't nurture or appreciate it enough.  I drove it too hard. I chose the roads with all the potholes and left the smooth highways to the others I assumed were more deserving. 

Either I didn't listen to its rattles and the squeals  enough or I made too much of those abnormal noises as justification for where I was in life. I blamed my body  for slowing me down, for not being able to go fast enough to keep up with the  Mario Andretti's of the world.

 I took it to the shop from time to time but I was never assertive enough with the mechanics.  I was never sure myself if I had a right to be there.  Oh I asked people to look at its wear and tear and feel sorry for me because of it at some points in my life.  I exploited the hanging bumpers and rusted door frames, the cracks in the windshield.   

Too often I asked others to take over the driving and blamed them or my body for not getting me to where it is I am headed.  At the same time I had no idea where I was going. It was only recently in my waking up process that I realized that I was always the driver and as the driver I called the shots.  Though I may not be able to control what is happening around me, I can control how I drive through it. Most importantly, I can control the direction in which I go.

Where are you going?

Where are you going?  Do you know where you want to go? 

Are you heading in the right direction and are you enjoying the experience? 

What type of a road are you choosing...the bumpy old back roads  or the highways with no scenic value but that get you there faster? 

Do you know that there is another route to go besides the bumpy or the fast...a smooth road that offers the beautiful scenery the world has to offer as you journey?

Are you taking care of your body along the way so it functions well enough to get you there?  Do you appreciate it?  Are you listening to the squeals and the rattles, paying attention to the cracks and the rust without being overly consumed by them?

Do you take accountability for yourself as the driver or are you blaming the mechanics, the drivers you hired, the vehicle you are in or the world around you for driving you around in circles?

I am the Driver

I know I am right where I am right now ( probably stuck in this chair lol) because I put myself here.  Without judgment, or blame...without a need for pity or guilt...I pull over to the side of the road for a bit and pull out my GPS.  I need to make sure I have the right destination in there. 

Where am I going?  To a place that brings peace and joy, love and happiness.  I choose another route than the one I am on right now.  I put my blinker on...make a U turn and head in another direction.  I take the next exit to  that smooth and scenic route. 

Once on that road to feeling better...I just have to sit back and trust that my vehicle  will get me there.  I look around at the amazing world and I  enjoy the ride.

All is well in my world.

More on Being Humble

If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise or disgrace, because you know what you are.
Mother Teresa

Isn't that beautiful? That is what I want.  I want to know what I am.  I want to be above the need for praise and beyond the fear of disgrace.  How wonderful that would be to live our lives that way...humble to the core. I am beginning to see my goof ups and embarrassing moments, my rejections, and my mistakes in a totally different light now.  They touch me less; they define me not.  I may never be a "great" writer, a "great" photographer, a "great" thinker, teacher, parent, or person in the eyes of others or myself.  That is okay.  I will still write, photograph, think, teach, parent and be for the sheer joy of it and with the hope that what I offer will benefit someone somewhere someday.

We are not as we appear to others in our glory or in our shame. We are much more than that.  We are all much more than that. Maybe I am finally getting it.  Do you think?  :)

It is all good.

Being humble means recognizing that we are not on earth to see how important we can become, but to see how much difference we can make in the lives of others.
Gordon B. Hinckley

Be Still and Know...
Psalms 46:10

Okay...I got up lol...just in case you are wondering,

I am literally stuck right now.  The back is so gone...lol...I keep getting stuck in my chair which I am right now.   I can not push down on the chair arms or the desk to pull myself up...causes too much pain. I have to wait for my daughter to get up to pull me straight up from it. For now...I am stuck.  I want to say, "Why?  Why?  Why?" like a victim.  I stop myself and say it with a more curious inflection in my head.  "Why?"   "Why am I unable to move...unable to "do" even the small bit I was able to do before the back went out again.  Why am I so immobilized right now?   Does someone or something out there or in here want me "still"?  What comes to mind as I write this is:  "Be still and Know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10)  Okay...I think God and I have to have a little chat.

All is well in my chair bound world.

On Making Mistakes...Grammatical and Otherwise

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw

We all Make Mistakes

I spent my life making mistakes, let me tell ya.  Big ones, small ones, medium sized ones...any sized ones.  I made and make mistakes.  I had a very, very honorable life to date. lol

A Tiny Mistake; Many Tiny Mistakes

One little chronic mistake was brought to my attention yesterday. It was just a trivial spelling error but once I realized it, I was floored as if I committed some major crime.  For as long as I can remember I spelled Author..."Authour".  I would ignore the spell check and continue with what I was so sure was the right Canadian spelling of the word.  I am not sure why I had that particular conviction in my head but it was ingrained in there. 

Every time the red line would flash and I would check for the computer's spelling of the word...I would tell myself, "That is the American spelling.  I am determined to spell it like a Canadian."  And I would keep that "u" so proudly in there.  I used my version of the spelling on everything I wrote and in any way I could.  I sent that word to publishers and agents ...to students and readers.  I was arrogantly convinced and felt no need to question. 

Then yesterday, I seen the word spelled "Author" in a Canadian text...and it was like, "What?  The editors  are succumbing to spell check too?"  I had to investigate farther... to look it up to be sure.  Everywhere I looked it was spelled "Author".  Then it dawned on me... of course it is Author...not authour because it is not doctour or actour. The suffix used to define a person's role   is "or" not "our".   Ouch!

Then I thought of all the grammar mistakes I made over the years on essays, submissions and even on publications.  I wrote  as a columnist for a paper once ...and the editor requested I send in the original piece.  He never edited my work.  Every spelling and grammatical error a person could make when they are writing off the cuff was  exposed across the paper every week.  I had people from the community calling me up to give me grammar lessons. It was humiliating. 

That is how my writing is remembered by some.  One individual let it slip that he and his family looked forward to reading my articles each Sunday.   It was a fun way to sit with the fam and count all the mistakes I made.  What a blow to the writer ego in me, that was to hear that.  Man...that is not what writing is intended for lol.  So my misspelling of the word "Author" brought that to mind...and with it, more than a little humiliation.

Humbling

The humiliation eventually settled in to a feeling of being humbled.  Humble is a wonderful place to be for learning to take place.  So I will learn from this. I will never spell that word incorrectly again. I will be much more mindful of grammar and spelling.    I will appreciate the tools on this computer that help me to write better English and I will try to be more humble in my writing adventures as well as in my life!

What is the moral of this story?

I have learned a lot from my mistakes...and not just the grammar and spelling ones I have made over the years...all mistakes. We all make mistakes.  Even the people who found enjoyment exploiting or picking out mine, make mistakes. It is human to error. 

It is honorable to error. It is honorable because it is humbling...mistakes offer an opportunity or a way of stripping back layers of ego to get to who we really are.  All that arrogant, "Look at me and how perfect I am in what I can do, what I have, and  the success I achieved" stuff, is not who we are.  We are perfect beings under imperfect personas that make mistakes.  Mistakes put holes in our perfect personas so the real us can shine through. Humility is not a diminishing quality ...it is one that expands.  Once we accept humble we can learn and we can grow.

So I made mistakes in my writing and in my life. At least I stuck my neck out there and I wrote like my heart so wanted me to do.  I put myself on the line, left my imperfect mistake bound person open for criticism...in order to follow my bliss. I continued to write, continued to make even more mistakes and grow.  I didn't spend my life doing nothing.  I was an "Authour" and an "Author." lol  How many people can claim that distinction?


All is well in my world.

Parental Guilt

Guilt is to the spirit what pain is to the body.
David Bednar

Raining again the way it should be in April...warm, cleansing and somehow soothing.  I am finding some comfort in the rain.  (My appreciation of the rain  might have a little to do with the fact that rain means I can't do yard work outside...which is timely being that I can't bend down  at the present moment lol...eases some of the guilt.) 

Parental Guilt

My guilt, I am realizing comes from my challenges caring for others.  I realized that the other day.  I am not grocery shopping the way I would like to...cleaning or cooking for them.  I am not looking after the pets the way I would like to...my poor old dog needs her nails clipped but in her crankiness she will bite if you touch her paws so they are getting really, really long .  Every time I look down at her feet...I feel guilty. 

I am not disciplining or guiding the way I want to as a parent...letting homework go or my daughter to stay home when I know she is tired not sick. I do not motivate and inspire with pep and energy like I used to in hard times.  How can I get my girl to be more physically active when I can barely get off the couch some days?  There is my son...another matter all together...and because he is downstairs and I avoid those stairs as much as possible...we seem to be cut off form each other for the most part.  I need to get down there to clean and observe what is really going on.

The yard is a mine field of garbage, broken things and dog poop lol.  I feel guilty that I am not cleaning it.  The inside of my car needs to be vacuumed...I keep telling myself...when I feel better...when I am less tired...on a good day....I will do it all then.  (I mean they are all good days...I should say days when I have more energy...but those days never seem to come.) The less I deal with everything the more things pile up or get bigger.  So I feel guilty...that is the emotion that I experience when I stop to feel...guilt. 

What is a step up from guilt? 

Blame...lol...skip to blame ...I try to say to myself: I am so angry for others putting me in this situation .  My problem is ...I can't seem to stay in blame...or anger...I believe I am so responsible for my life...I feel so accountable for everything that goes on in my life because I see it as a vibration of what is going on within me...thinking that I cannot stay in blame.  Part of me has stopped pushing forward.  I am stuck.  According to an article in Chakra Anatomy the second chakra (pelvic and lower back) is the source of guilt.  Go figure!

Anyway...I will figure it all out...or it will figure itself out.  All is well in my little world.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain.
unknown

It is all  good.  I am managing the pain and as I do I feel more connected to something greater than my little experience in my little world. :) I even got my income tax done yesterday lol.  I can not sit for long but I managed to sit long enough for a couple of sessions at a time and I got it done.  Simple accomplishment ...no pressure.  Life is sweet.

All is well in my world!

Dialogue With the Body

In most cases learning something essential in life requires physical pain.
Haruki Murakami (Japanese writer)

The Message of Pain

I am learning something essential.  We all experience physical pain from time to time. Physical pain stills us and makes us listen.  We can gain valuable insight and knowledge from it  if we take the time to get beyond the discomfort to the lesson.

 My body seems a little desperate to get my attention lately.  It gets it through chest pain, pelvic pain and now my musculoskeletal system is joining in.  I got up from a crossed legged meditation yesterday and the back was gone.  I hurt my back in an emergency patient transfer way back in 1986 when I worked out west.  Was off work for one and half days with it ( if that).  Seen a doctor for a 5 minute visit a week later...he prescribed  Flexeril which I didn't take.  Never had an Xray or mentioned it to another doctor since but the effects of that injury never went away.

It goes out on me...I don't know how to describe it..."kinks up"  "Spasms" "prevents me from standing up or straightening up"  ..."causes pain that makes even putting my weight down on the floor excruciating"...it does this ...whatever this is...once or twice a year.  There were times I was literally unable to walk to the bathroom and had to be carried during these bouts.  Pretty!! lol 

But because it only goes out a couple of times a year I totally forget about it in between the bouts.   Yoga, I believe was my saving grace. I also used chiropractic from time to time with some benefit. Since I am not able to do my yoga regularly because of the crazy heart symptoms...the back isn't getting the stretching it needs.

So yesterday on top of the pelvic pain that was thankfully milder than it was the day before and the post work day cardiac symptoms I always get... I got the back pain.  I reached down at one point of the evening...all tensed up... to get something off the floor and I  pulled my shoulder.  There was a very sharp and intense pain there for a few minutes and that got aggravated for the rest of the night. 

If that wasn't enough, while I was sitting on the couch watching TV in an awkward position (my couch is not meant for bad backs or shoulders) ,  I started getting these awful Charlie horses in my feet...the kind that make your toes fan apart and you scream, jump up   and stamp imaginary fires out on the floor in an attempt to get rid of them. 

They went from one foot to the other for about an hour. Well of course every time I jumped up ...forgetting about my back and shoulder...I intensified those two other experiences and gave myself palpitations to boot. It was like: Really???  Could you be a little more subtle in your calling out to me?  You do not have to yell body!!!  I am becoming more aware!!I probably would have heard you without all this crap!  You could have just whispered that there was something you wanted me to hear." lol

Indulge me.  I am going to take it a part to examine the message each symptom might have to say in a more holistic way.  Let's go back and use the chakra's as a guide to understanding the lessons the pain might be teaching me.

The Chakra's

 

What are chakras? 

According to the ancient teachings of Yoga  and Ayurveda we have seven circulating wheels of energy that travel up the spine.  Each chakra has a name and colour and affects more than just the spine or physical body.  This spiral of energy houses the Prana or vital life force that resides within us all. It is believed that everything is energy and if energy is blocked anywhere along the chakras the person will have some type of emotional or life energy block as well. Healing is carried beyond the limitations of the physical body.

 

I won't list all them  but will supply the reference which can explain more to you. Whether you see this as "woo-woo nonsense" or not...have  a look before you dismiss the possibility of some truths hidden within these teachings.

Messages from The Lower Chakras

 

Let's start with the lowest affected chakra in me. The lower back and the pelvic region belong to the second chakra which is believed to be responsible for creative expression .  So here I am with a lot of screaming and complaining going on down there.  Could it be that I am not being creative enough?  Not writing enough?  I have been so busy submitting...that I have not put much into writing the two new books I lined up.  I know in my heart it is not about the publishing or making money...it is about the writing.  I need  to put more energy into creating than I do into selling my work.  :) Keep it pure!

 

I have been told that my shoulder and back will act up when I am not using my core muscles correctly...when they get weak and lazy.  So the core muscles are situated in the third chakra...the center of personal power.  Wow!  Weak in the power department means a feeling of powerless ness.  I do feel powerless to the events of my life lately...to my health condition, the financial situation, getting people to believe me and support me.  I can see that applying pretty nicely.  Maybe my body is telling me through pain in shoulder and back the same thing my physiotherapist is telling me...I need to build up my own power muscles if I want to be free of pain for good.  Cool.

Messages from The Heart Chakra

 

Now...this is really cool...the forth chakra is considered the bridge between matter and spirit.  That is where the heart resides...any respiratory or cardiac conditions would be due, according to these ancient teachings, to blocked energy that prevents us from reaching spiritual balance .  Here I am so caught up in awakening from and transcending a life dominated by ego and the world of matter to the spiritual.  Does it not make sense, then,  to have  a physical cardiac condition? 

Something is preventing the awakening.  I need to find out what that is. The heart chakra is also responsible for love and connection.  Is it a lack of self love that is preventing me from going forward into receiving the spiritual blessings all around me?  Do I feel disconnected from society and others because of my present situation?  I would have to answer yes to both.

Messages from The Third Eye
 

Then there is the sixth chakra which sits between the eyebrows.  A blockage here could affect my physical vision ( which I am having a heck of a time with lately) but also my intuition. My inability to see clearly and to have distortions in vision are telling me that I am not heeding my intuition enough which I definitely want to do.

 

Wow!  Pretty interesting isn't it?  Worth looking a little more into.

So much to learn from pain, the chakras and the body

 

So despite the pain I feel a bit of a thrill in thinking that there is more to it than the obvious.  There is a challenging lesson waiting to be understood through physical discomfort.  I can't say I like pain...but...I do love a good learning challenge!

 

All is well in my world.

 

Fondin, F. (n.d.) What is a Chakra? from The Chopra Center.  Retrieved from http://www.chopra.com/articles/what-is-a-chakra#sm.00019gtg1loafdrzv9s1doa39szzf







When you see how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.
Buddha

Mindfully Washing the Dishes

When your mind is clear, empty of memories and knowledge, things are seen exactly as they are.
Patanjali

Stepping Away from Active Thinking and  Resisting

Yesterday  was a bit of a rough day but only because I couldn't get my mind past the fog, the pain and the to do list that was engraved in my head.  I had so much to do to prepare for my first class today and despite how I felt physically  I got that done.

My moment of transition yesterday from a state of active thinking and resisting came when I was washing the dishes.  I was standing over the sink  thinking about how rotten I felt and I picked up a bowl from the bubbly water.  It was smooth in my hand and I suddenly remembered a saying from the translation of Patanjali I have about washing dishes...The translating  author suggested treating  each dish as if it felt our touch; he instructed that we should be gentle and careful like we were bathing a baby. If the dishes clang, clash or bang during the process, be mindful, we  are making them cry.

A Sacred Experience

Even washing the dishes can be a sacred holy thing.  So I became very mindful. I just felt the warm round surface of the bowl as the bubbles dripped from it.  I breathed in the scent of Palmolive which was so familiar and soothing to my senses.  I let my hands hold on to each fork and spoon in the sink before I lifted them up to be washed...one at a time, gently and in no hurry. I leaned into the cupboard, relaxing my body,  and looked out at the spring light filling my back yard.  I was not focusing on "getting it done" but on being in that moment.  It was really quite lovely.  :)  (Imagine that coming from someone who hates housework as much as I do lol)

It inspired me to get dressed...I was in my PJ's and playing the "sick role" all day.  And I went for a walk.  I didn't get far before the chest pain hit but at least I went...I tried...I got out there.  I stopped resisting life which I thought I had to do because I was feeling so miserable and had so much "work" to do.  I lived a bit.
    
This morning...I woke up to glorious light, a choir of robins outside my window and a body that is relatively pain free.  Yeah!!  Slept through the night.  I am so very grateful for that.

All is well in my world!

Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in.
Napoleon Bonaparte

I believe it is more important to Be than it  is to Act. 

To get to that level of spacious being we may have to begin with thought...more precisely, the retraining of the mind and the learning to shut it off. 

I have spent a lot of time in deliberation and now I believe it may be time to act.  I have accepted but I have not surrendered.  

Maybe I have to act on this pain...seek out confirmation and better pain management. 

Maybe I have to act on the swelling and submit to a diuretic. 

Maybe I have to act on my situation: financial, household maintenance etc by  admitting defeat. 

Maybe I need to  admit that I am not happy with the way it is and seek help outside myself to make it better. 

Maybe I need to act on the reality of my external life and the effect it must have on my psyche...and  talk to some professional  about it. 

Maybe I need to go in! The first step to going in  is coming up with a plan for deliberate action...I do that by stopping thinking and allowing the answers to come. 

What???? 

You see.... the answers as to what one has to do is not necessarily going to come in "thought form".  We may not hear words and clear directions coming to us:  "You have to do this...you have to go there..." 

Our inspiration and motivation for certain action  will often come from a space beyond the  mind and the knowing we get, we may never be able to describe in words. 

We accept, we allow and then we act. 

Where does one draw the line between accepting, allowing and acting? I will need to use the mind to think about that and write about those "thoughts"  at another time. lol.   For now I stop thinking and go in.

All is well in my world.

Pain

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.
Karl Marx

Pain

The pain is back. 

Three months without pelvic pain and it started creeping back into my life on Friday....full blown yesterday, knocking the wind out of me and waking me up several times during the night last night  so I am walking the floors again.

 I thought I was done.  I thought I was making the grand transition.  I wanted to be free so I pretended the pain was not there as best I could. I wanted menopause so badly because I wanted there to be no more endometriosis pain or worry over it. 

Not to be.  The pain is here and there is not much I can do about it but accept it while I manage it the best way I can. 

Getting Beyond the Fear

The worry, however, I can do something about. The worry gets me no where but down.  This has to be what I thought it was from the beginning...it comes at certain times and it leaves at certain times.  I know this pain...I have lived with it for so many years. The only difference is the extra pain on the left side.  I can explain that in my head by saying that it is likely endometriosis adhesions on the left ovary.  That makes sense to me.

So why am I worried?  Why do I resist it so? I do not like what the pain does to the rest of me.  It completely exhausts me....I had to sleep for four hours yesterday.  I can't do anything.  And I get more chest pain, SOB, dizziness around the time I have this.  For the last 5 mornings I have been waking up with my eyes swollen because I am retaining so much fluid. 

It is what it is

I want to resist this and say things to myself like: this isn't happening, this shouldn't be happening but it is. It is what it is and will be what it will be. I have gotten through many, many bouts of this and  I will get through this one.

An antidote

If I step back and look at it and me with it, the question arises: Why did I bring this into my life and what am I to learn?  What is it asking of me?  Maybe Marx was right....maybe physical pain comes to make us forget our mental suffering.  What mental situations am I avoiding with physical pain? I need some time to sit still with those questions and figure that out...the only problem is that with this much pain it isn't always easy to sit still for long.

Oh the drama of my life.  :)

The "Craziness" of Waking Up

All humanity could share a common insanity and be immersed in a common illusion while living in a common chaos. That can't be disproved, but we have no choice but to follow our senses.
Isaac Asimov (20th century biochemist and science fiction writer)

Judging spirituality as woo-woo Nonsense or mental illness?

I have often said that I know what I write about here will not appeal to many.  Some would judge it as "woo-woo nonsense" and me as a "nutcase" or  use some other stigma-producing and less than politically correct adjective to describe those who suffer from  mental illness with.

What a Professional Might See

I am sure a psychiatrist (if he wasn't Jungian lol) would read my entries with a bit of concern. 

My reference to the ego and the observer as separate contrary minded parts that exists within me could make it appear that I am disassociating (which occurs with "spilt personalities") and separating myself from my personality and body ( ego) could appear that I am depersonalizing (which is seen in affective disorders and in psychosis). 

Yeah...there may be concern.

 My attempts to emotionally get beyond the situations that life presents may be viewed as reliance on the unhealthy defense mechanisms of  denial, suppression and repression. 

My reference to the spiritual truth and "who we really are" may be viewed as delusion and religious preoccupation ( even though  no actual religion preference  is referred to).

A psychiatrist may be concerned by  my writing. It is true...others may see me as crazier than a bag of hammers.  I can live with that lol.

The Truth

Truth is, I do not think I have ever been healthier mentally or emotionally, only because I am rediscovering the inflexible and constant  health of spirit.

 By going beyond mind, emotion and  body to that space...everything finds its rightful place. 

How I appear on the outside means less and less to me.  How I am on the inside, means everything.

So though my waking up may seem to others as a step toward mental illness ... to me... it is a giant leap toward healing and recovery, both the personal and the universal kind.  Hmmm! 
It is all so very good.

All is well in my world.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.
Friedrich Nietzsche

It is usually in the night where the mind ego is most active. 

I dream of things that can bring me down and I wake up thinking of them.  Things that I am able to ignore  during the day demand to be seen at night.  Is that not strange?

I can ignore the stressors to some extent when I am awake...I walk around with my eyes wide open but blind...otherwise I would go crazy in my attempt to put out or prevent one fire after the other as they appear. 

Take this house, for example...a minor inability to keep it up to par in maintenance and cleanliness because of my health has turned it into a rectangular culture medium that would make Kim and Aggie squirm right out of their pink gloves.

I am sure the pathetic state of it  is settling somewhere inside me as I walk around in it but because I do not have the energy to deal with what needs to be done or to clean it...I  shut so much of it out.

The fact that I am hanging on to it by a thread can also be denied even when  I am short on another mortgage payment like I was this month and the bank calls.  I don't answer the phone.  The fire is obviously getting bigger and bigger all around us but I deny it. 

I refuse to see all the issues and problems and crisis during the day.  Yet, I cannot help but to see those fires  when my eyes are closed or I am laying in the dark.

The night, especially the dreaming part,  reminds me of trauma, crisis and urgent issues I need to acknowledge or deal with.  It whispers to me in the hush of the wee hours..."Your life really is not like that of other people's.  As much as you and others try to normalize it...you really can't.  There has been an extraordinary amount on your plate for years now...no human being can handle that much for that long and not crack.  My God....woman...think of what you had to deal with..." and then it starts running a video show in my head of the biggies I am dealing with now and the ones I had to deal with in the last 10 years and before that.  

It will occasionally show a few of the normal daily stressors in there like work related stress, relationship issues, parenting issues  but only to show me the comparison between the normal and the "crazy, bizarre, out of the norm" things most people I am presently in contact with  cannot even consider let alone understand. If anyone deserves to say, "I have some stressors in my life," I do.   (There ...ego got a say lol)

When I observe  the events of my life from  this quiet space I see my story  really is extraordinary and worthy of a good book jacket wrapped around it. More than anything ...it is worthy of some precious learning opportunity to gain and share. 

I also find myself asking as I look up at the ceiling in those early morning hours, "Why me?"  It is no longer my "victim" ego that asks that question but the observer .  I want to know..."Why did this all show up or why did I create it?" The observer asks and at the same time the observer knows the answer but I (the little I)  don't lol. 

I would like to think the observer  whispers back in a language I am just beginning to understand, "Because you asked for it.  This is what you asked for before you arrived here.  You knew what you were doing then...you knew what you needed to learn and to grow...so Life provided the opportunities for that growth...just as you asked.  Everything in your life is going exactly the way it is supposed to...the way you wanted it to.  It's all good!"

Wouldn't that be wonderful to hear that and to know that when we ask such a profound question?

I would love to believe that I am not a victim to random events; that I am not "cursed" lol.  I would love to believe that I asked for all this for some higher purpose I have yet to fully understand.  That would make it all worthwhile, wouldn't it?  

 I could lay there in those early hours, when the shadows of passing car lights are dancing across my wall, knowing that it is all going to be worth it; it's all going to be okay.  It's all good!

All is well in my world...day and night. :) .

The Quiet Observer Sees

Sometimes it is the quiet observer who sees the most.
Kathyrn L.  Nelson

The Observer

Once again I pushed myself beyond a healthy state of being. 

Yesterday, I pushed and pulled the students  and myself through a brutal class of finishing assignments and testing to meet the course requirements, which we did.  Yeah! 

The quiet observer watched me from that inner space within...saying nothing, judging not...just watching as I panted and huffed my way through class.  I know it saw a tensed up body with brows furrowed, shoulders tight and a voice that was urgent like it belonged to the leader of a fire brigade directing others with the putting out of a life-threatening fire. :)

 It felt a body that was exhausted, dizzy, fearful of collapse pull itself from place to place. 

It observed this powerful, focused but misdirected mind at work as it...intent on getting it all done...shut out all the precious sights and sounds around me, all the bodily symptoms and the opportunities for connection with others.

It watched as I turned off the clock and accomplished one task at a time until the mind  met its goal.

The hours passed and I was shocked to see how late it got.  ...but the observer wasn't.  It pays little heed to time ...only to moments it is not  ignored and denied, moments where its grace and propensity towards gratefulness are  heard beyond ego's demanding chirps.  Yesterday...there was not many of those.

The Ego

 To others...I seemed productive maybe . .. despite the chaos of my desk.  Getting that 2 hour class in, marking 45 assignments/tests in a few hours, organizing student papers for filing, getting marks in and calculated after having to redo my evaluation criteria on the system to accommodate for the missed classes, dealing with students as they came in with questions and putting my course material in a neat, organized fashion together and away... is no easy task for the healthy body and mind.  To do it when I felt the way I did was quite an extraordinary feat. 

My mind, as I said , is a very powerful thing.  Yesterday, I let it and this goal of getting it done guide me as ego took charge.   Ego does not want me to think about the observer, that threatens its very existence. 

It wants me busy with thought and action so I don't "feel" it within me. 

It wants me goal oriented and productive...meeting professional and social obligations. 

It wants me focusing on external gratification not the inner stuff. 

It wants me fearful of loss and failure so I do and keep busy. 

It tells me if I don't keep up I won't   keep this job and earn the money I need to survive.   It is so worried about my financial situation, untrusting of Life and social systems to provide. It pushed me with fear and a need to do as well as a desire for external accomplishment and praise.

Ego said "Do!" yesterday.  The observer said "Be"...I listened to the ego. I met my goal and I got it done but at what cost? 

Sure...there was a moment of "Man...it is done! I can't believe I did that!  Aren't I great?  Aren't I amazing?  Wow!" Ego was happy...but ego, we know, never stays happy for long.

The Consequence of Listening to Ego over The Observer

The observer was neither pleased or displeased with my performance.  It was just quietly watching.

 When I stopped long enough to notice my "being"...I realized I was completely exhausted.  It was even challenging to walk to the elevator at the end of the day. I was dizzy, my vision was off.  I was numb when I wanted to be enthused by the renovations my daughter wanted me to stop to see on my way home.  I was numb in my interactions with everyone as exhaustion makes one.  I did not appreciate the lovely day or go for a walk in the woods.  I saw only what had to be "done" when I walked into the house  and  I had nothing...absolutely nothing left to do it with...so I was consumed by guilt and shame.  There was no energy or vitality  in me...I made it to the couch and there I staid, falling in and out of sleep for the rest of the day.

 Is this living? 

Was that one moment of accomplishment worth it?   My moments after the ten second feeling of glory were full of bodily symptoms, guilt and shame, and a total disconnect to the beauty around me, the people around me.  Is that living? 

The quiet observer knows that isn't living but it doesn't say "I told you so."  It doesn't shake a finger in my direction and chastise me for my stupidity.  It just waits quietly in the background of my life with its arms open, watching and waiting for me to come back to it where I belong. 

I want to go back to it.  I want to go home. I want to learn to just be again.

All is well in my world.

Just let go.  Let go of how you thought your life should be, and embrace the life that is trying to work its way into your consciousness.
Caroline Myss

Snowing out there this morning.  The world is coated in white again.  The aging dancer slipped across the stage once more  when no one was looking.  :) Good for her!  It is all good.  It is what it is. My tea is cooling beside me...and life is grand just as it is as it works its way through my consciousness so I am at least aware of it.

Still Thinking and Doing

This awareness/consciousness/waking up...whatever you wish to call it....I am learning...does not mean passivity, lack of thought or action or being completely without the ego.  Sometimes I fear it will never work its way through me...because I am still "thinking", still intent on getting things done and still very much aware that I still have a big fat ego clinging to me. 

Still Waking Up

I realize now that despite that,  I am still waking up. What awareness of the present moment...which is Life...does, is it clears a path, creates space for proper action, thinking, and creates awareness of ego's antics just so one doesn't get caught up in them. 

The fact that I can observe and see my ego at play, see and understand when I am lost in thought or doing and am able to bring myself back, even momentarily, to spaciousness shows that I am not identified with those things...I can get beyond them.  How is that for amazing? 

Yesterday I felt dizzy and miserable ( kind of like I do now) until about 11ish.  My vision and head cleared a bit then ( meds kicking in?).  Anyway, once I felt better I decided to rest and work on my marking in a pressureless and one paper at a time way.  I got that done.  I did not go for a walk....but I also was able to pick my daughter up from school, supper was taken care of by the pot pies I made the day before, was able to wash sheets and with help from daughter get them on the line.  I was able to start my bread and watch one of my favorite little shows ( Call the Midwife ::) .  D. and I even got a movie in later that evening.  Everything I could do yesterday got done without over thinking or overworking.  

All is well in my little world.   

Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behaviour. You are beneath the thinker.  You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.
Eckhart Tolle

Stress is wanting something to be the way it isn't.
Eckhart Tolle

Feeling Stressed?

I pushed myself again yesterday.  I have got to stop doing that. 

Missed hours from my class  this term due to weather, and my own crazy idea that I have to do things a certain way have led me to this point where I could easily be overwhelmed by the amount of marking, replanning and revising the course at the last minute.  My mind is full with thoughts about how I am going to squeeze all remainder of course requirements in and still have everything done, marked and with grades in the computer by Friday at five.  At the same time I start another course I have never taught before on Tuesday and I am not ready for that. 

This all when I am feeling completely exhausted physically with a head that keeps spacing out on me. (And not the nice intentional kind of spacing out that leads to more awareness lol...I am referring to the foggy brain -missing large chunks of mental capacity type of spaciness that comes with fatigue and dizziness from what I assume is a low cardiac output).  This could overwhelm me.  The question is will I allow it to? 

How does one get overwhelmed by experiences like these? 

By resisting them ...by resisting what is. 

When we find ourselves tensing up when we confront a life situation, pushing harder against the stream, fighting to keep going despite the body's cry for rest and care and dealing with more adversity and things seemingly going wrong all around us ...we are resisting what is happening right now.  

In my mind I am saying things like: "Oh My God!  How am I going to get this all done...I am going to kill myself.  Why did there have to be so many missed classes on my day.? Why did I make this course so project based? I am going over my hours...but I need to keep going.  I am making myself sicker and for what? I can't be sick now.  I can't deal with that now.  I have to do this to keep my job.  I need to keep my job.  I want to keep my job. Why is this happening?  It is so unfair!" 

This is what I am allowing into my moment.

Every thought is an energy that  fights against what is going on right now.  All my energy is going into fighting and it does not change one thing.  I will still have a deadline Friday.  I will still have the marking to do and the marks to get in. My body will feel the way it does.

These things, however,  are not the real problem in this one moment. It is simply in the mental resisting of what is happening right now that I have a problem. Our resistance is the problem.

 How do we not become overwhelmed and get past this problem focus then?  

We need to allow and accept this moment for all it is regardless of what we find in it... the event, the emotional, mental or physical experience, the behaviour of another etc ... before we can flow through it or it can flow through us. We need to allow the moment to be what it is. 

We need to be aware and honest.  In this moment I really don't feel well...my head is spinning;  my vision is threatening to get blurry(words are sometimes leaping up and down  from the line) ...I feel so weak and tired...the left side of my neck is squeezing.  That is my physical reality in this moment.  My physical symptoms are intensified by my working harder than my body wants me to. So I take the time to write it down here to  confirm my acceptance of what is going on.  I could deny it like I have been doing for the last week or so (denying is resisting) or I could admit to it.  By writing it out here I am in a sense choosing to  accept it. My truth is...I am not where I want to be physically right now  and my pushing myself at work is not "getting me past it" ...it is making it worse...

Resistance of what is ...is making it worse, creating a problem where a problem does not have to be.

Truth is...there is a lot to do before Friday...that is true.  But I can only do one  task at a time, and live in one moment at a time.  That is my reality. That is the reality for all mankind.  Friday at 5 will come regardless of how much tension and stress I put in from here until then.  I cannot change that or control that. I can choose a different way of being though. 

 I can choose peace other than this and peace is the sweet feeling one gets when they surrender to what is.  I can surrender. I can just allow my body to do what it needs to do; Life to give me what it needs to give me; things to happen around me as they need to happen. 

I can drop the resistance and get into that quiet, inward space I wrote about previously.  From there, I can  observe it all as part of something so much greater than me.  I can learn to say and mean it: "What is...is; what will be...will be."

It is all so very good.

I think it is very healthy to spend time alone.  You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.
Oscar Wilde

I am not so sure that what ever I got going on in my heart  is menopause friendly.  Just in two months my exertion tolerance has diminished remarkably.  The simplest things require the most effort.  I really did not anticipate that once the protective coating of estrogen became unpredictable that it would behave so dramatically.  I thought it would be a more gradual thing?  Of course, this is when my sisters had their MI's and such.  I am aware of that. Oh well...it is what it is and truth is we really do not know what it is lol.  I just know my body is tired.  I have limited control over what it does other than work on my thinking about it.  That is okay...I can live with that.  My ability to accept Life as it is has improved which is the most important thing.  :)

Waking up is such a joy.  :)  It gives me purpose, clarity, understanding, the ability to forgive and let go, hope and something to do when my body is not up for all the things I used to fill my days with. There is a certain meaning in my life now where  there was busy work and action before. 

Other than this blog I am not going around preaching lol.  Just in case you think I am.  This is a very quiet growing process for me.  If people ask me what I think I will tell them but otherwise...I am still very much playing the "reporter in the background" role. I am socializing much less because of this, as well as the fact that it requires too much physical energy for me right now, but I am still out there some.  :)  I discovered this weekend that I am okay with that change in my social status.  I need to socialize less....well in the traditional sense.  I actually choose and prefer to spend more time away from events, crowds, etc. It is all good.

Well another day begins on this wonderful journey.  May yours be blessed with understanding and growth. 

All is well!

I have to get out and shoot some new pictures.  I am digging way back to find pics for this blog...some of the pics go back to when I shot with a  Nikon Coolpix...which was many, many years ago lol.

Bear with me...I will get the energy to shoot soon enough:)  All good!

Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many- not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
-Charles Dickens

My blessings:

• My children and the precious time I spend with them.  I cooked a big Ester Dinner last evening and all my children sat around my table laughing and talking and complimenting me on the food.  There was gratitude, love and joy in those moments.  Then, when the food was put away and the dishes were washed... D. and all of us played a board game  where we acted silly and laughed even louder.  I looked around that table at my blessings and felt my heart swell.  This is Life, I thought, in all its perfect majesty.  How could I ever find reason to complain when there is this much love in my life?
• My family and friends at work and beyond.  So grateful for them, all of them, for touching my life the way they do.  Oh ego, at those times it festers, likes to find reasons to be displeased but it has to dig very deep with great effort to do so lately.  The older and more wiser I get...the more work it has to do to find reasons to complain about my relationships.  Ego is tiring itself out in its attempt to stir up drama in my relations with others or to react to the egos of others...and I appreciate even more the blessing I find here.
• D....I have found a gentle soul who is more evolved than most without even knowing how evolved he is.  He is my Slim and his presence in my life is a quiet reflection of how I wish to be.
• My Pets.  I am surrounded by gentle guardians of my being.  They teach me so much with their presence.  They fill my life with joy and peace.
• My words.  This ability to come here and sprinkle words across the screen is such a blessing to me.  It fills me with so much purpose and a connection to something greater.  I am a writer...regardless of how I am seen by others.  I am a writer and that to me is one of my greatest blessings!
• Nature.  The world that surrounds me heals me, inspires me and helps me to grow into a better person. It connects me to my source.  When I am out there in the woods with the sunlight streaming down through the canopy above my head...I feel like I am in a sacred spot.  I want to photograph it...still it forever so others can see how precious it is.  I want to breathe it in to my very core so I remember how it is a part of me.  Being surrounded my nature is a holy experience for me.
• My work.  So grateful to the college for allowing me to stay on with such limited part time hours and protecting me with certain benefits when I was so sure my decision in 2014 would dissolve all of that. Grateful for the opportunity to get out and "normalize" a few hours a week doing what I do love to do. Grateful for the income.  :)
• My miraculous body.  Man...this body  is an amazing vehicle that takes me around from place to place, that allows me to experience life.  I can do so much....and I am grateful.  It also talks to me and teaches me through its symptoms and I am learning to listen and understand its meaning.  I am learning to work with it...instead of against it.
• My miraculous mind.  Man this thing I call my mind is truly something.  It is a wonderful tool I can use to expand and grow into all I am meant to be.
• The ability to get beyond mind and body.  Now this is the true blessing!  I am learning...I am learning.
• All the learning I have done over the years intentionally and unintentionally!   Every hardship, every difficulty, every challenge as well as every opportunity and blessing I encounter teaches me and takes me closer to where I want to be.  I just love learning and growing!!!!  I see the learning and growing I have already done and the learning and growing ahead of me and I am in awe.
• Waking up.  Man I am so thrilled by this process of waking up.  I can't get enough of it.  I want to learn all I c an...practice, write, speak about it.  It consumes me.  I want to be aware and conscious!!! I want to be an example.
• Life.  I am so grateful just to be alive.  To feel the Life force flowing through me...
• This moment...I am so thankful for this one precious moment as I sit here writing my blessings.  For knowing that it is my Life and for being aware and appreciative of it.    I am so very, very blessed.

All is well in my world!

Happy Easter!

Our Lord has written the promise of resurrection, not in books alone but in every leaf of springtime.
Martin Luther

Is that not a beautiful quote for Easter?  Not only has Christ been resurrected from the dead but so has the entire world and everything in it.

All is well in my world.