Touch the preciousness of this moment which will never occur again.
Br. Phap Hai
I think of these words as I sit here wondering what to write about. This moment, right here and right now, is my Life. What do I want to do in, put in it to make it meaningful?
I don't know really but I am here writing. I thought writing was and is what I am supposed to do but I am questioning myself lately. I noticed ego's big greedy face in the mirror the other day and I was a bit taken aback. I have been telling myself that my writing was an egoless adventure where I was not worried about anything but getting the words down...not worried about quality or outcome...I was writing for the sake of writing , a tool used by something greater.
Yet, I realized yesterday that I was attached to an idea, a fantasy of myself as a writer...I thought for a second that I was better than I was. See the "I" in there? I realized through a small series of events that ego was still motivating my writing...there was an "I, me and mine" wrapped into it all. Truth is, a desire for redemption from shame was my major motivation.
Remember my two ego friends? Shamer and Redeemer? As I peel away layers of self protection we encounter once again , Shamer doing what Shamer does best. "Little me" feels "diminished", "less than" others, and somewhat unworthy because of his big "pep(less) talks." Automatically and unconsciously, I call on Redeemer to come to my rescue. This part of my ego, doesn't have much to work with these days to pull me away from Shamer's claws...except my writing.
Ego likes doing , right? So really the only noteworthy thing I have been doing lately is writing. So ego uses that to create a story of redemption. "You got some chapbooks out there...look at how quickly you write the poetry. Some short stories are out...you are working on novels that once published will make people realize that you were doing something of value, you were honing a craft." It tries to convince me that what I write is better than it is.
Well, I read good writing yesterday in my sister's book of short stories and I was so amazed, so impressed and so very jealous of her writing. Now...she took the time to hone her craft and to build on it. She admittedly "worked" to create what she created. And it shows! Her stories blew me away. Her book inspired me to re-evaluate my own writing and I went back to the Chap books I more or less threw together...and realized that without the committed effort they should have received...what I put together was not that great. I read my short stories I have out there and did the ego thing of "comparing" them and I felt they were not as good Though, I am truly, truly happy for her, I do feel a little jealousy which is a sure sign that ego was more than a little involved in my writing life. With that comes the realization that ego had once again hopped into the driver seat of my writing adventure.
I do not want ego there. I don't like how he drives. :) I recognize, allow and even embrace the fact that he is there with the feeling of jealousy, diminishment and fear that I will not leave something of value behind. As I do this, I feel I can look into it a bit deeper before letting it go.
I am humbled, which is wonderful and a far cry from shaming. Truth is, I have not yet mastered this craft and it may take another fifty years to do so. That is okay. In the mean time, I can offer my less than perfect work to the scrutinizing eyes of others while learning not to be effected by it. I can practice not being so "I,My, mine" focused and stop taking credit and blame for what I create. I can create for the sake of creating as I practice getting better at it...but content with what I (and I mean beyond I) produce now in this moment. I can be happy and supportive of my sister's talent. I can even learn from her. I can grow and grow and grow as I am, knowing that everything is constantly changing. My ability will change just as the next moment will be completely different from this one.
We need to accept where we are right /write now in our abilities, embrace it so we can touch the preciousness of this moment which will never occur again. This is it! Write!
It is all good! It really is !
All is well!
No comments:
Post a Comment