Waking Up in a Busy World: Now What?

Now what?

So I am here.
I can finally breathe.
I made it.
I stand on the podium
to receive my reward,
a reward
I used every moment
behind me
as a means to get.
I worked hard.
I sacrificed much.
I was better than.
I did more.
I achieved great things
and now
they look up at me
with envy in their eyes.
This is winning.
This is succeeding.
This is getting there...

There?
I am not getting anywhere.
I am here.
Here is a strange place to be.
It is done.
I did it.
I feel antsy as I bend my head
to receive this cold and lifeless thing.

The medal is heavy around my neck,
the handshake from the deliverer,
quick and impersonal.
The crowd has dropped their eyes
and seem bored as they
await my country's song of triumph
to end.
They are looking sheepishly, enviously
over at the others
now standing in line
to take my place up here.

I am ushered off
with a half hearted applause
while the new winner
is ushered in with cheers.
With a sinking heart,
I turn back to look at what was.
Is it really over?

Now what?
I must get it back.
I must worker harder,
sacrifice more,
be much better than.
I must use every moment
ahead of me
as a means
to get back up there again.
If my life is going to matter,
I must "do" whatever I can
to get and keep what
is mine.

The Antsy Feeling of " Now What?"

I am certainly not climbing up onto any podiums these days :) but I do have this antsy feeling of "Now what?" . I still have this ingrained and deeply conditioned idea that in order to be enough I must do and keep doing. Right now, despite the fact that the world around me is just stepping gingerly back into some semblance of normal after a Pandemic shutdown...I have many, many self imposed projects on the go.

My writing projects...which are too many to count seem endless and scattered. I am trying to submit some old stuff, finish some started stuff and new stuff in the forms of idea or poetry just keeps coming to the page. I am not focused enough to finish one thing...to give it my devoted attention...Like a kid with ADHD, I am pulled here, then here and then there.

I see so many other things, besides writing, that need to get done...including parenting stuff I probably have no real business in. There is yoga and trying to create new sequences and reopen classes ( two students at a time), my videos, my studying and renewal processes. There is my photography...I picked up the camera once and I am hooked again...feeling that pull to get out there and capture the world. There is my own "dharma" practice...which to me means my need to examine and study Life and my mind. (My priority these days) There is social obligations and now that offices are opening up again I have to re-address my health issues to keep worried individuals off my case. I broke a back tooth again ( 4th time) because of my jaw clenching and it hurts like &*^..I have to get that looked after. And there is this blog which seems like one of the easiest things for me to do.

The Busy Minds' Impossible "To-Do" List

My busy mind is creating long extensive lists of things I have not finished and that need to be dealt with .."now".

It is a chaotic and impossible list to follow. I am so glad I am at the point of my waking up that I do not feel the need to follow my mind's direction...that I can sit back and just watch and question what it is doing and why?

I also know that constant doing is usually just a distraction from being. For some reason ,I am resisting simply sitting and being . The mind is bullying me, trying to make me feel guilty about not doing enough so I "keep busy" and not settle in the present moment. The egoic mind doesn't like my present moment...is judging it as unpleasant and something to be avoided. That is all the more reason...I now realize...I need to sit and see what is going on in that head of my mine. :)

So when I ask myself the question, "What now?"...I can simply say..."Stop! Breathe, be aware of this moment and everything in it...body sensation, surrounding, what my senses are picking up...just be here. Don't use this moment to "do"... as a means to get up there somewhere. This is it. Notice all the things in it that make it worth being in...all those things that too often go unnoticed, like the lilacs in front of me, and how beautiful they smell...filling my whole house with that sweetness...and behind that is the smell of fresh baked bread that I just took out of the oven. I can hear the robins singing so beautifully out there and the wind through the trees. I can feel my body...even the tooth ache which makes me aware I am alive...and when the pain goes I rejoice in that ( it comes and goes). I notice and pay attention to the pain being there and not being there. There is my tea and the feel of the cup in my hand...my pets around me. It is just perfect...here and now...even though it is far from perfect. It is not a matter of being good or bad...either/ or...but... both/ and. It's perfect and it's imperfect. Hmmm!

Instead of listening to the mind and attempting to appease its insane wishes to do everything it is telling me I must do, I can just sit, get in touch with that stillness and be in this moment. I will be inspired, when the time comes, to do what needs to be done and I will be doing it from a much better place than "What now"? I sat down here this morning and asked my inner self what it wants me to write next...and that poem popped out. Hmmm! Go figure!

Anyway, I am rambling.

All is well.

Inspired by:

Eckhart Tolle ( June 10, 2020) Being at Peace/The Present Moment. Eckhart Teachings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-HWfAZlAbI