I Wish

Oops!  Tried to edit and revise this...maybe it wasn't meant to be...cuz I kind of made a mess lol


I Wish

I wish I could have sat with you that afternoon,

pulled a chair up close enough to you,

leaned  my open being towards you

 as the pain resurfaced

and the knots of hope that kept you going

 

unravelled.

I wish I could have been there.

 

I wish I would have been able to place,

even an awkward hand

on your knee as it bounced up and down

while  the  persistent and compelling thought

vibrated through you,

so you could feel the connection

 

of form against form

and know that your body’s borders

and your broken heart could never

 truly separate  you from others.

I wish I could have showed you

 

that you were not alone.

 

I wish I could have showed up

at the right time,

with my judgements, my ideas,

my need to hide



 behind layers of useless advice

and delusions of wisdom

tucked away somewhere,

 so I could   be for you,

someone who simply listened. 

I wish I could have offered

my   listening presence.



  I wish I could have

made you feel safe enough   

to release the
 gnawing pain you were stuffing

so deeply and ferociously inside

like some brave  but broken Sergeant

on the battle field,

trying to keep your charges  and yourself

from knowing just how afraid you really were.

I wish I could have let you know you

did not have to sacrifice yourself for peace.

 

 

I wish that I could have sat with you

in the perfection of warm and spacious  silence

allowing it to wrap itself around us and go through us,

so  you could  purge yourself

of the suffering that was eating at every cell of your being,

as it tricked you into believing

 there was no escaping from it.

I wish I could have offered  you,

a better way out.

I wish I could have nodded my head

in front of you while you spoke

so you would know that I was earnestly ,

with my eyes and my ears,

and my heart and my soul,

there to pick up the pieces of you that spilled out

all around us in the   verbal flood  of confusion,

give them back to you and

watch as you put them back into

their respective places.

I wish I could have showed you that someone cared.


 

I wish I could have rocked back and forth  

with you that afternoon,

holding your pain and your being

in my heart,

 as if it were my only child,

long enough  for you to catch your breath

and  hear what was being said

 through my own flawed and wordless articulation.

I wish I could have made you hear

what the silence had to say.

 

I wish I could have made you see,

without opening my mouth to offer

verbal trinkets and long winded explanations

about the preciousness of Life,

 
how sweet and musical  that breath  you were thinking of ending was,

how beautiful and magical that heart beat you were thinking of stopping was,

how lovely and welcoming this world you were thinking of leaving was,

how forgiving and transformative that suffering you were determined to end was,

and how perfect and divine  this being you couldn't see within you was.

I wish I could have made you see

how amazing your  Life could be.

 

I wish, I was there  in that moment

when that other  thought became so loud

 

and so demanding,

 

it was all you could hear,

all you could feel,

all you could see.

I wish I was there to  remove

 

your  trembling hand

from the object you

clung so ambivalently to,

to hold it in my own

until the thought stepped back,

until the darkness opened up a crack

to allow a soft ray of light through

 
and until the  suffocating heaviness diminished,

just enough

to make you

 

 willing to breathe another breath,

and live another day.

I wish that I was there then

 

so you could be here now.

 

 

 

©  Dale-Lyn (pen), June 2020