Allow Self to Open; Later Better Than Never

 The causal level needs to remain your primary focus, the teaching of enlightenment your main purpose, and peace your most precious gift to the world.
Eckhart Tolle(2004), The Power of Now, New World Library (page 204)

A Delayed Blossoming


Man!  This waking up is a very strange thing. It is like part of me is standing back watching my little self as pieces of protective coating keep peeling off...sometimes very painfully. I am "feeling" more and more as each layer is removed and that is a strange thing too. I am feeling the pain and raw vulnerability but I am also feeling the sweet release of years and years of accumulated pressure against very tender flesh.  It is a nice feeling as I connect to something I so long denied.  Hmm!

Anyway, I am also having something  like "Life Reviews'.  Because of being triggered as I was yesterday or for no apparent reason at all  I will have a vivid memory of something in my past, usually something related to what I did or didn't do to others and myself over the years that could have led to pain.  It is like I am being shown on some old movie screen how my pain got in the way of truly "being" there for others and myself, keeping me stuck in some self-made comfort zone, and preventing me from  living fully and joyfully the way I was meant to. So as I relive these experiences, I experience some regret, not so much over what I lost living like this, but over the fact that others got hurt or didn't get the best of me in a way that would make them feel better about themselves. I regret that I  didn't love openly enough, did not offer peace enough, so afraid was I of getting hurt.

I also know that this pain has knotted in my body and has caused some cells to become confused.  I know it is responsible for the muscle aches and pains we all get, and it is also responsible for whatever I got going on in my heart and vessels, what I got going on with the pelvic pain I'm still getting and this mass, first discovered in November which  is now leaving me with a constant, undeniable pressure in my under arm no matter how much I try to ignore it. Though these things are very physical and real in that context...I see beyond their physicality.  I almost ( almost lol...still  sounds pretty much like Charlie Brown's teacher's voice...garbled)  hear  what these things are telling me.

It is time, I guess, for knots to be removed or untied, for pressure to be released so the tender flesh can finally heal.  It is time to open fully to what Life is truly all about. Man...it only took over five decades to get to this point...lol.  How is that for a delay in blossoming?  Doesn't matter, I am here.  :)

And I am just standing back watching all this go down and experiencing it at the same time....It is so very strange and  so very awe inspiring.  Hmmm! I know I cannot go through this without sharing it...I have to share this learning...so I keep coming back here...again and again and again.  Sometimes I have 100 readers a day, sometimes fifty and as I have now...numbers trickling, once again, below 20.  It doesn't matter how many read, what the outcome is ...I just know I have to show up.  I have to come here! I have to offer a way to peace.

It is all good...so very, very good!