We will sit and listen without any prejudice. We will sit and listen without judging or reacting. We will sit and listen in order to understand. We will sit and listen so attentively that we will be able to hear what's being said and also what is being left unsaid. We know that just by listening deeply, we already alleviate much pain and suffering in the other person.
Thich Nhat Hanh; peace is every breath; 104
My heart is heavy. I wrote yesterday (as I have many times before) about things and circumstances I really want in my life that I believe ( without knowing anything for sure) will bring my living to a state of peace and fulfillment. Amongst the things I want to be "doing" , if I am to "do" anything, is to create a service or be a service for our youth, especially in the area of addiction and mental health. I see such "need" there, such suffering. That suffering has been touching my life experience directly.
Yesterday...after writing that... I was reminded with one situation after another...boom...boom...boom...how big this need is, how much our young adults are suffering.
I had two of my daughters outwardly expressing their suffering and a sense of helplessness that it will never go away. That broke my heart. I couldn't "fix" it for them! Then I had another loved one show up higher than a kite after a few months of some degree of sobriety, and breaching parole. I was made aware that his actions once again were putting him and others at risk. Then, I was told some very sad news about my daughter's friend who apparently took his own life in a very violent way yesterday. My heart got so heavy so fast. It felt like it would either shrivel up or explode.
Staying Open
I want to stay positive. I do not want to allow fear, anger, disappointment and a sense of helplessness to close me down. I want to stay open to all Life puts in front of me...so I can give my best...and if my mind is responsible for what Life puts in front of me, I want to ensure even more that it is used very skillfully! I want to approach the suffering of others skillfully.
How Do We Approach and Help Transform the Suffering of Others?
What do we do, then, when it comes to handling the suffering of others? I know now that we do not turn away from it, ignore it, deny it, repress it ( no matter how heavy it feels in our hearts). That is not the answer. Compassion is! Compassion or "Karuna", according to Buddhist teachings, is the capacity to understand the suffering in another and to help to transform it. We must recognize it, allow it into our hearts, embrace it there...embrace the suffering of the other as well as our own and then we look at it deeply.
Step One: Seek to Understand.
At this point I do not understand why this population of younger individuals is suffering so much. I can speculate. I can say that the electronic age has reduced personalization to a screen that requires a certain degree of competition and comparison in order to feel worthy. The things they are comparing to are unrealistic portrayals that they cannot attain or maintain, leading to a chronic state of unworthiness. And on top of that they are lonely for direct contact!
I can say that our youth are becoming label dependent and are seeking and therefore succumbing to the diagnosis'/conceptual realities of various mental disorders that we would have passed off in our day as something you just needed to get through, "anxiety", "depression", " addiction", "eating disorders".
I can say that kids are not given the opportunity to learn how to deal with intense emotions. They are overwhelmed by them and see them as something to avoid at all costs. We live in a "numbing" age, a "keep busy and don't sit still with your Self" age, and a "look away from real life into your screen" age....not a "this is suffering, a normal part of the human experience, and this is how you deal with it" age.
I also think that our youth are actually waking up a lot faster than we are. They are realizing that "This , what we are doing, is not the way to go!" and that is unsettling , confusing and fear producing. They look to us for guidance and so few of us are awake enough to assist them in the transition. They are often lost!
Of course, I do not know for sure why our youth are suffering so. I just know they are. The only way to truly understand is to listen deeply, offering our space and presence for them to do that. Are we, as their elders and mentors, offering that?
So we need to understand why they are suffering before we can begin to help them transform that suffering. We cannot, however, get lost in it.
Step Two: Stay Out of the Hole
When I speak of helping others who are emotionally suffering, I always use the analogy of someone who fell down into this deep hole. If you want to help you do not jump into the hole with that person...If you do, both of you will be stuck there. The best thing is be where you are and help from there. Of course when people are in pain, they want you in the hole with them, just for company. They may use whatever they have in their unhealthy tool box to pull you down with them. And it is also easy to become so overwhelmed with how the suffering of others impacts your little sense of "self" that you can find yourself in a hole as well. It is so important , however, to stay out of the hole! Keep space between Self and suffering and be aware of that space. Observe it from a calm, spacious distance.
Step Three: Listen Deeply
As I sat across from one of my daughter's yesterday who suffers greatly with a diagnosed Borderline Disorder, I found myself watching and asking from (and to) a deeper place, "What do I do with this?" How can I best help her?" In that moment, I knew that it was best to just be there...to be present and open and spacious...to listen. I cannot say I was a perfect listener, because I wasn't, but I can say when "I" stop getting in the way...I can be pretty effective in this role.
As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches deep listening is a selfless, patient act.
...when we offer someone our practice of deep listening. we do it with the sole aim of helping them empty their heart and release their pain. When we can stay focused on that aim, we can continue to listen deeply, even when the person's speech may contain a lot of wrong perceptions, bitterness, sarcasm, judgment and accusation .
It isn't always easy but when we listen from the higher Self, putting our own noisy little egos away, when we put away our judgments and our "I told you so's", we can offer something precious that will help transform suffering. We as the older population, the mentors of our youth need to be willing to listen. We can affect so much change by simply offering our youth an hour of our undivided attention. Are we able to do that? Am I?
Step Four: Check in with Self
When we have recognized and allowed the suffering of this often troubled age group into our hearts; when we embrace their suffering and look deeply into it through our listening and presence...we can then take that back into Self . We do not let ego or drama step in and tell us how to handle the situations we encounter. We allow Self to tell us how to proceed. Maybe we will be guided or inspired to do something specific like set up a sober house, a support group, to volunteer for a crisis line , to donate. Or maybe we will simply be guided to talk openly about the issues, to listen more and be there more. Maybe we can actually learn from our youth about our own need to wake up.
We do need, before we offer true compassion to others, to be kind and compassionate to ourselves. Before we assist others into a skilful way of being mentally emotionally, we have to be in using our own minds skillfully. Are we?
When we use our minds skillfully, our hearts will open wide enough to allow the suffering in without it shrivelling up or exploding. That's pretty cool.
Hmmm!
Anyway...my desire to help will guide me to where I need to be in order to make some semblance of a difference, however small. It is all good.
All is well in my world.
Thich Nhat Hanh ( 2011) peace is every breath. Harper One
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