Behind the subtle body, lives Jiva or the individual soul of man... The Jiva is a part of that universal substance, and it is eternal; without beginning it is existing, and without end it will exist. It is passing through all these forms in order to manifest its real nature which is purity. Every action that retards this manifestation is called an evil action; so with thoughts. And every action and every thought that helps the Jiva to expand, to manifest its real nature, is good.
Vivekananda
I am contemplating something I have been both interested in understanding for years (studied it in great depth, taught about it, wrote about it etc.) and am now facing head on again in real life ...and that is the toxic personality.
You have probably encountered such a personality at work, in a group or in a relationship. You may have felt the full effect of a very insidious poisoning from an ego whose agenda seems to be counter productive to that of the soul's... even if you did not know where it was coming from. In the beginning, we often do not know where it is coming from. The actions directed by such a personality, though very under the table at first, involve bold faced lying, slandering through others by being the one in the background with the smile on their face but that look of total apathy in their eyes, gaslighting, and the creation of damaging story, dirty, dirty stuff that seeps in and convinces others that what the person is telling them they are seeing is real. Then when the poison has had time to do its thing, they step into the limelight to 'save and rescue' when they were the ones that did the damage in the first place. They bully and harass, usually by standing behind and directing others, until their victims are on their knees (leaving work on stress leave, broken and self doubting, or doing something in self defense that this person uses against them etc.). All along, they profess to be the victim or the protector of the victim...and everyone else the villain. They can do so, so much damage.
I am dealing with such a personality now...someone I have known for such a long time. And though my soul was warning me with all these uncomfortable feelings I had when I was around her from the very beginning of our relationship...I was not wise enough to see the full extent of her toxic personality until recently. She is on a mission to destroy my family by standing in the background using, manipulating, and directing the beings closest to her to inflict the pain for her. It is so, so clear to me now what we are dealing with.
How do you stop these personalities from hurting others? How do you make them see what they are doing so they stop?
We usually begin, once we realize we are dealing with a person doing what seems like unfair damage and destruction, to attempt to reason with the person...make them see the errors of their ways so they change and stop doing what they are doing. Any reasonable person, we assume, who had a conscience would stop once they realized how much pain they were inflicting unnecessarily on another. Wouldn't they? That is the unspoken human law most of us have innately ingrained in us. So, we try to reason on the basis of this law.
This is where the frustration comes in. You cannot reason with a toxic personality. They cannot (or refuse to) see beyond their own agenda. They refuse to acknowledge their own responsibility in the pain they are inflicting. (Sadly, many are enjoying the power they experience when they witness the power they have to inflict pain). This causes great, great frustration for the individuals targeted by or witnessing these personalities in action. We will learn, after much agonizing attempts, that we are wasting our energy. They are not to be reasoned with because they believe they are beyond reason, beyond ethics, beyond the law. It is delusion they possess...I can see that...a certain state of grandiosity. They truly believe that their power to manipulate and control others is a "super-power" that is self sustaining...and that no one out there is smart enough to get past this power. They truly lack the insight or the willingness to explore the insight that they may be wrong and doing damage to others and to Self. They are actually doing damage to that which they truly are (the Jiva; the soul; the higher self). So, rejoicing in the power and control surges they are getting, they can become so very cruel and destructive....in a work place, in a relationship, in a social group.
They do great damage to their targets...looking for their weak points and sneaking up (usually behind someone else who will take the blame) and stabbing in the back. Then they walk away from a place when the damage is done with an innocent looking smile on their face, a big, "It wasn't me..." and a sense that their power has been enhanced. They truly see themselves as infallible. Hmm! These personalities are hard to deal with let alone reason with,
The real "victims" (I hate that word, but we will use it for now) once targeted and exposed are swept into the whirlwind of the toxic personality and man is it messy. The worse thing these personalities do is get into the head of the victim. It is almost impossible for the mind to escape the incredulousness of what the personality is doing with so little remorse. "There can't be people out there that evil!!!" the mind chirps over and over again. Even when you have not had to deal with that person for days that thought is still there pounding, pounding, pounding in your head. The reality of these unconscious psyches goes against that innate moral law that is such a part of who we are. That incredulousness is what opens the mental door and before long we are letting them in.
It is so funny how we are more apt to let thoughts about these type of people into our heads than thoughts of harmless and kind or even loving people. The mind is attracted to the toxic personality because it is an anomaly to the soul...like a "freak" in a circus show. The soul is like, "Wow! Look at that!" So we put all our attention on it and we let it in. Once we let that toxicity in...man does it fester. Though these people can do great damage in the external lives of their victims, they do much, much more damage to the mental life . That is their super-power.
And they don't just get into your mind...they get in your heart and contract it all up. We too often give them the power to close us. I am not sure why people like her do what they do but when you realize you are in the presence of such a personality (and it can take a long time before you see it clearly...they are usually very, very cunning and manipulative) it is so hard not to judge and hate the person. How does one not have contempt for someone who does so much damage to other beings under the guise of being morally superior to everyone else...with absolutely no remorse? This is also an anomaly to the heart that, in its purest form, is all about love and openness. The strongest ingredient in the poison they spew is the hate for them that we feed or resist...either way we damage the heart if we let that poison in.
Hmm!
So, what do we do crazy lady, like it or not, these personalities are everywhere?
Yeah...they are. And they are here for a reason. What a wonderful, wonderful soul lesson they offer. I have been blessed with this direct realization on this part of my journey. My family and I have become a target of one such personality at this time for reasons I may never completely understand. Perfect, perfect synchronicity. My soul is telling me maybe, so I can tell others, how to deal with such egos.
Visualization
I had a visualization during a meditation recently...and it has been hard to meditate lately let me tell ya...the pain this person is attempting to inflict and is inflicting amongst her own family and my own to get what she wants is a thought that keeps filling my mind. I am so full of hate and contempt that I go between feeding this hate and stuffing it down (both unhealthy defense mechanisms...hate is just an emotion that should be looked at with compassion and then released, not fueled and not suppressed). It is hard to get beyond this hate. Anyway, this visualization somehow came to me through all this obsessive thinking...
I saw my mind and heart as a house and this person coming to the door with all that toxic stuff crawling all over her...I knew I couldn't shut her out. By shutting her out I am shutting parts of myself out...because we all have those seeds the toxic personality has within our own personas, right? What we see in another is what we have within. At the same time, I knew I didn't want her personality's dirty shoes contaminating my sacred space. Then it dawned on me, "Personality!!!" The key word I could see in this mess crawling over her was "personality". It was just a dirty suit she was wearing. It wasn't her. Suddenly the door became so small with these cleansing brushes and scrapers all around its interior. On impulse, I stuck my hand out to hers and pulled her in. As she was coming through the doorway all her personality got scraped off in one swoop. Then she was inside my heart and my mind...a tiny little light that needed some growth for sure but a light pure and beautiful. That light is who she is...even when she doesn't know it. I knew I had then, a responsibility to that light somehow...to all lights...to the Jiva of all.
The toxic personality's Jiva, I realized, is also a tiny light here to grow and expand. They possibly haven't been focusing on that light or feeding it, so it might be a little undernourished. They may not be evolved enough to get beyond their egos at this point and we may not have the human ability to stop them or change them...but we can remember who they are at the deepest level. And, most importantly, we can remember who we are at the deepest level. We are souls here to grow and evolve and that means staying open. We don't have to fill our minds with their poison, nor do we have to close our hearts with hate and resistance. We can allow their Jiva in without dragging in the damaging personality.
So, as I face this personality in another I am psychologically and spiritually fascinated, and at the same time humanly repulsed. I know I cannot allow their personality and its karmic actions to do what it pleases to my family if its in my power to stop it (limited) nor can I allow thoughts of them to contaminate my sacred space.....but I also cannot close to them without closing to parts of Self.
Just a Personality
The number one thing we need to do when we are dealing with such personalities is to remember that what we are reacting to is a "personality" and not what the person truly is. The damage they do is just to the personality...They cannot harm the soul!! Recognize what the personality in that form is doing, do what you must to protect yourself and others from it, but remember it is not yours to change or fix...Karma will take care of that.
Our thoughts, our words and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw round ourselves, for good or for evil. Once we set in motion a certain power, we have to take full consequences of it. This is the law of Karma.
Vivekananda
Then remember: You are the only one in there.(Michael Singer). The purity of your mind and heart is up to you. It is within your power what you let into that mind-heart space and how. Your mission is to allow full expansion of Jiva ...yours and the world's. To expand Jiva, you must make It, and not the personality, the focus. The personality is nothing but a mental construct. The Jiva is everything! Don't contaminate it by putting mental clutter on top of it. And don't blame others, even this toxic personality, for the mess inside you. It is yours.
WTF(frontdoor)? You don't know what she is doing to 'me'?
What is inside you is only there because you let it in. You retard or expand the real, good, and pure nature of Jiva within you. No one else can. If thoughts of that person come bolting into your space...and they will...like I said it such a curious anomaly for the soul that it pulls the mind's attention to it -recognize them, allow them, and take responsibility for that contamination of your Jiva. At the same time give yourself a break. Don't do what I have been doing over the last little bit by beating myself up for feeling hate and resentment towards this person. I chastised myself for forgoing all I have been learning in my practice about compassion and kindness. Have compassion for those emotions within you. Accept how 'human' it is to react to what a personality is doing with your personality. Then remember that you are not a personality. It is just something you wear. The real you sits beyond the personality...that's where you want to focus your attention.
Commit once again to the practice of purification. (Repression and suppression do not purify...they just add more to the samskara clutter...the only real way out of an emotional experience is to go through it.) Stay open. When thoughts of or the physical presence of that person enters your space, allow your deeper Self to sweep away the personality they wear for the light inside. Focus on the light as you do what you must do in each moment related to the actions of this person. You have that power to see what is within them and what they are resisting even if they don't, when you recognize it in yourself and choose to make it your focus of attention. Jiva over personality.
If you are experiencing what I am at this time of my life, you have been blessed with a wonderful learning challenge. It doesn't feel wonderful, I know. I have been a human wreck for days now, but I keep reminding myself: We are here to evolve and to expand that light of Jiva. Every soul is at a different stage.
Don't let your own light be dimmed by reactivity to the words and actions of the toxic personality. It may help to visualize the scraping away of personality when you deal with such challenging people. Keep your heart and mind open to the light that exists beneath every personality... so you can help each small light to grow. In so doing, your own precious Jiva light will expand. That's what we are here for people, all of us.
Hmm!
All is well.
