Caught in a Whirlwind

 The truth is, everything will be okay as soon as you are okay with everything.

Michael Singer

I am having a hard time being okay with anything. 

Sigh! I have been watching myself in here over the last couple of days. It was a challenging experience just to watch. I don't like what I see.  I have been reacting and  the absorbed, stuffed and stored stuff has been bumping around inside me again. I have been feeling so, so pulled into outside drama as if it was the biggest magnet in the world. Worldly things are swirling around this human I call me, complicated by the emotional dysregulation of others-real pain expressed outwardly in a whirlwind way ....and I am pulled into it like a cyclone would pull a traveller in. As I swirl around inside it, I look around and I see so much drama, unnecessary drama; I see and feel pain, legitimate pain from these others, then the  need for control and power from others that fuels this drama and this emotional dysegulation; so much created story, and accusations, unhealthy conflict and confrontation; ferociously clung to convictions and a sense of righteousness that leads people (including me, the only one that I can control)  to do things they wouldn't normally do...I see the "goodness" of people slipping away in support of these convictions....and while I swirl and whirl around in this cyclone...I hear the voices of others outside of it calling out to me, "Help me...help me!" I hear the creaking and cracking of the bones in this body (imagined , of course lol), the thump of palpitations, and the sound of a heart getting tired. I feel the  chest pain, the left lower quadrant pain that will bend me over and this overwhelming fatigue. More than anything, I see the disturbance inside me, my own reactions, the closing of a heart I had done my best to keep open...I see my committment to stay calm, fair, kind, just, and empathetic slipping out of me into the whirlwind.  I am fighting back! I am fueling the whirlwind in me.

Fighting back means that I have closed.  I closed to the drama that is trying to sweep me away.  And I am not looking at these people with kindness...I mean it is still there but I push it down so that I can help assert and support the legal rights of another. Those rights are real and deserve to be honored but I don't want to close. I always knew what these rights were but I had encouraged this person to choose kindness over rights...to allow for some healing and adjustment time...to recognize and be acountable for any pain they caused and then to respect that pain experience in the other. I encouraged this person to deny their legal rights to allow for some healing...Doing that unfortunately was creating a situation that was not good for anyone, especially those most important in this matter. Then when it got to the point that the story and conviction in the mind of others became dangerous and unsafe for all, I agreed..."It is time to assert your rights!" and I supported that. 

I am fighting back!  Against the cyclone of drama instead of just flowing with it in the peaceful way I so wanted to. I am getting angry and resentful...becoming lost in my own convictions and righteousness...just like the others are. I know what this new assertion is doing to others...how it is feeding this emotional dysregulation of another (again I stress their pain is very real...it is palpable), to past relationships, what it has done to the opinion others had of me and how my reputation will be contaminated now (slander and character defamation)...and most importantly  how it just gets that whirlwind of drama to swirl faster and faster. I ask as I look up in this swirling vortex, "Am I strong enough to handle this now...especially when it doesn't feel right any more to close...to put aside my compassion for  my own conviction that legal rights matter?" 

In my mediation today, that whirlwind was reduced to a small but mighty tornado in the center of this body.  I didn't want to resist that, so I said over and over, "I can handle this! I can handle this! "

I want to let it all go...I pray for the ability to do that...so I can return to and maintain a sense of peace, calm, kindnes, and love.

All is well!