Seeking Truth in the Early Morning

No one is more hated than the person who speaks the truth.

Plato

In that quiet stillness of early morning I wake up from a restless sleep.  I look up at the ceiling and I take a deep breath feeling the belly rise on the in and fall out of me on the out. The thoughts are there...bumping around in my head like disobedient children having a field day in a substitute's classroom. They feel so heavy on my chest. I sit up, ignoring the pain that is now protesting and I settle myself in that cross legged position that says, "I am ready". I close my eyes to the darkness and the shadows that hover in it. 

I take another breath. 

She is still there, lingering in the corners of my mind, a dark and menancing figure somehow controlling my breath like she controls my thoughts.  I breathe out. I scan my body for tension.  I feel it in my hips and knees, a sharp feeling in my shins, My gut is heavy like I have eaten something that was not good for me...I have.  I have eaten thoughts of her and what she has done and continues to do. It feels like poison inside me. I feel my shoulders too close to my ears.  I encourage them to drop and relax. I release my jaw...it opens somewhat reluctantly as if it were a pandora's box  with rusty hinges afraid to expose what is inside. Sigh! 

 I breathe again. 

I remind myself, "I am here to purify and cleanse whatever is blocking the Chit Shakti (Conscious energy). I can handle this." 

The thoughts come through my mind in the form of memories and confused feelings...years of feeling less than and shameful around her tumble into my psyche....years of apologizing to her without knowing what I was apologizing for.  I see her mother looking at me with disdain, growling at me for corrupting her daughter, not taking care of her, not being a better friend after all she did for me, for hurting her... all this when I could not even take care of myself. I was a villian in a story they created ...too broken to know I was never the villian and she was never the victim.  

I see my loved one in the same position and she is now the mother looking down at him. My heart breaks in maternal pain.  I want to protect him from her.  I feel it is somehow my fault that he is her target now. I think of what she has done to him with her judgments, accusations, lies, and slander.  How small he gets around her...how quiet...apologizing to her with his eyes without even knowing what he is apologizing for.  

And I remember.  I remember what that felt like. I cry for him. The emotion comes up and gets stuck in my chest.  "There!...There it is", I tell myself..."That is the knot I must unravel." There is a sensation of seering fire ( hate I assume) but it quickly passes as the innate tendency I have to explore truth makes itself known. 

"What is all this about?" I question. "What am I to learn from this? It can't stop at anger and hate can it? There must be something deeper. I want to see all this clearly." 

The thoughts begin to fade...just a bit...the tears come to my eyes and there is just pure feeling. There are not many tears...not yet...but there is enough to know the process of release is beginning. The feeling in my chest is not as heavy. I am letting go of something I have been clinging to for much too long.  I will regain my clarity.  I will use truth as a compass through all this and I will not stop at hate.  

All is well.