What Gaudy Day Denies

 She walks in beauty like the night

of cloudless climes and starry skies,

and all that's best of dark and bright 

meet in her aspect and in her eyes;

Thus mellowed in that tender light

that heaven to gaudy day denies...

Lord Byron

This poem came to me in distorted lines the other day and I had to work with my memory to put it all together...But great poetry (and as I tell my students...rhyme) gets stored in the memory in a nice neat file that is easy to retreive, I was always a bit of a poetry nerd and felt myself drawn to it. I liked the Romantic age because of the rhythm and rhyming.  I was one of the few that actually "studied" it lol and enjoyed doing so. Funny thing is I never really thought much of this poem.  I studied it and it stuck in my memory but I never really thought "much" of it.  Then it appeared out of nowhere a day ago...filling my mind spaces again...Byron's words asking to be heard. Why?

Why with everything I got going on now would I be dwellling on a poem about some guy looking at a woman with long dark hair? What has that got to do with custody cases, betrayal, toxic personalities, dying loved ones, financial woes, the cries for help I am hearing constantly around me and a body with  bones that are threatening to snap underneath me? What?

We went for a walk last night.  I was pondering those words before I even left the house...like I say...they are stuck in there now like an old tune you can't get out of your head lol.  As we were walking...I looked up and I realized I was walking in the beauty of the night.  That beauty that Byron was seeing reflected in someone else. I looked up and there were cloudless climes and starry skies....and all that was best of dark and bright met in her aspect and in her eyes...Whose the "her"? Life...I realized how beautiful Life was; how beautiful each moment was ...a perfect mixture of the  bright and the dark.  That Life was in everything around me...everyone...even in the people who will be sitting on the other side of the courtroom today. I was filled with so much peace!

I have been struggling...let me tell ya...I have been struggling with this that others are doing to my son and to me as a result, how they are letting their broken personalities call the shots as they seek to appease those needy and demanding personas, rather than adhering to  what that "beautiful night" within them is showing them. If it wasn't for the prospect of them taking away his relationship with his kids and they will if they win, I would never have invested as much as I did in this.  I was and still am clinging to so much in regards to being on the receiving end of what these people do and the power they seem to have over our lives. Not only did I let them into pollute my starry night but I clung to them, not allowing them to leave. They (well thoughts of them)  became the "gaudy day" to the point  I couldn't see the stars.

  This thing has consumed me.  Why? Because I let it. We can't control these people.  They believe they are right or at least their egos are convincing them they are right.  They cannot hear what I had the blessing of hearing last night as I walked...the  undisturbed silence that exists beyond court orders, the thoughts and the feelings, the judgments and beliefs, all the crazy things we humans do to make sense of Life, and all the worldly stresses we encounter in the process. There was such a peaceful silence in that space of beautiful night, interuppted only by the sound of my breath or my feet touching the earth. Part of the peace I experienced for the  short time I experienced it last night, came from other words pounding through my head, "They know not what they do." And we have no control.

I do not want to hate these people.  I do not want my son to hate them. I want to find that space beneath all this pain he rightfully feels they inflicted. ( and "I verily beleive that to be the truth".. lol) I  do not want them and their actions consuming our lives any more than they have. Regardless of the outcome (and it is such a consequential outcome) ...I realized last night...we have to let go or it will eat us alive.

We have no control of the outcome. We tried...man oh man we tried.  We had a well supported case but what we are presenting today, my fearing and untrusting mind tells me,  is not so supported based on the decisions of others. I suddenly...because of an old fear inside me...an old samskara related to past events don't trust those decisions but I need to. We have to let go and trust the process. We have to trust not only the process of the law to seek and honor the truth (which I am having a hard time with right now), we have to trust the process of Life in honoring what is.   

I have meditated and prayed for hours and I am not asking that the outcome go a certain way...I am asking that we find peace in whatever the outcome is.  We may not be able to control what come sout of today but we can control how we respond.  We do not have to hate, or resent, or seek revenge. We do not have to let these people eat up our lives anymore than they have. We can learn to build a mind at peace with all below...and a heart whose love is innocent. That is what this Life is about...not winning a court case regardless of the consequences of losing.  

My son will lose so much if that which we are trusting in fails us. On top of that it is paramount that we do not lose our open and loving hearts.  That is my worse fear. Please do not let me hate....Please help me to let it all go...and to be able to accept whatever Life offers us so I can still see and appreciate the beauty of the night. Most importantly, so I can support my son to do the same. I cannot truly support him in the way that is best ...which is not jumping into this ring as his gladiator...but by showing him that what we carry with us from the inside, no matter what is happening out there, is what really matters in this Life time...A peaceful mind and an innocently loving heart...is the best legacy he can pass on to his children. I have to be at peace to show him that.That is what I pray for,  

...But tell of days of goodness spent

A mind at peace with all below

A heart whose love is innocent!

Lord Byron

All is well.