Just do the work. Commit yourself to not bothering yourself!
Micahel A. Singer
Dealing with difficult people really involves dealing with yourself. I know that, I do ...yet reflection on the last few months reminded me of an old tendency I have of projecting outward. I was focusing so much on "them" and what they were doing, I was polluting my insides with negative thoughts, allowing some nasty seeds from store consciousness to grow up into my mind to take over my mental garden and I was reacting...putting judgement, negativity, resistance, a big "No! This shouldn't be!" statement out into the universe. etc. I set out to fix and change the circumstances and them...putting so much effort, energy, and time into that "resistance" of what is. Why? Definitely for some logistic reasons but also for some self serving reasons. I didn't like the way I felt...the way...as my old ego mind would describe it, "they made me feel". ( There was a direct personal pain and there was a pain that came indirectly came from watching my loved one suffer). Sigh!
Then when I recognized these tendencies coming up bringing a host of unwanted feelings with them, I resisted them. How do we resist our emotions or our samskaras? Through another human tendency-supression and repression. We push them back down. I pushed it all back down and I was a bit hard on myself. "You are more evolved than that!! You are supposed to be a yogi!!" I found myself critically exclaiming to myself. "Yet here you are...angry and reactive! All those years of practice for this???"
It does me no good to condemn myself or anyone else for this very human experience of battling egos. I know that. Compassion for all...including myself is a crucial step in dealing with this. It ain't easy but compassion will free me from these heavy weights in my heart.
Condemning them and hating them is not the solution to this problem...far from it...it will only enhance it. Sure, any reasonable person who could see what they are doing would say, "Yeah...no wonder why you guys are so angry!" It is incredulous...it really is...and so hard for the human heart and mind to accept that others would lie, slander, manipulate, and cheat for their own selfish reasons. (This human's ego slipped into the ring there with that last statement lol) How can one feel compassion in that?
Hmm! Start with acceptance, maybe? Recognize that they "know not what they do" and even though it feels so personally directed towards us, it isn't ( a small portion maybe has to do with us but it mostly has to do with the mess each has within them, just as my reaction only has a tiny bit to do with them and is mostly a result of the mess in me). Recognize that their unconcious (less than evolved) behaviour and choices are based on an accumulation of life experiences that really have nothing to do with us. So many variables in each of their lives has accumulated into what they are doing now. And of course, ego, as it is for most humans, is the director of those choices. My egoic reaction to their choices, at the same time, is my responsibility...not theirs. If I let ego take the reins here...that's on me, not them. At the same time, I can't beat them or myself up for their behaviours and my reaction to those behaviours. Is it right to beat up a grade five student for not passing a test in advanced calculus? Of course not! They are just not developmentally there yet. I am not there yet. Learning is a stage by stage process. We are at whatever stage we are at!
Would it serve Life a little better if we had compassion for the learning of that grade five student, accepting where they are without these great expectations to change it or make them be at a level other than the one they are at? Would we serve Life and therefore ourselves better if we didn't see the frustration and acting out they were doing because of challenging lessons as something personal towards us? I work with grade five students and I can see through their behaviour when they are over challenged by a lesson...they will act out and blame me or others. That is the human condition. I do not take it personally...I step back, and open up a dialogue about their frustration as I encourage them to be patient with themselves before I readjust the lesson plan. I am compassionate.
Why can I not be just as compassionate with the "them" in this situation? Most humans are grade five students or younger in their spiritual development. Some of us because we got slapped around by Life a bit in order to wake us up...might be at a grade six level or higher. So yeah, without adopting a sense of spiritual superiority I may be a grade ahead. Or am I? Sometimes when I see the internal mess inside of me rising to the surface I think I have been sent back to grade 2 lol. But in fairness to myself, I chose to stay in school....I seen the need for such internal work and because I realized whatever I was doing before wasn't working, I sat there listening to the teacher. I paid attention. I did some hard work...I really did.. I moved on to the next level. Is a grade six student any better than a grade five student? Definitely not...I was just actively in school longer...that's all.
When we walked out of the court house the other day I encouraged my family to let as much of this go as they could...to not let their focus stay trapped on watching what these people were doing or on the hate and anger they were feeling. I said, "If they pollute your heart and your mind that is on you...not them. You may not have any power right now to change their actions or behaviours but you do have the power to decide what you keep inside you. Please don't let it be a "rightful" sense of hate and anger. Yes, you have a right to anger and hate even but having a "right to something" doesn't mean it is the best choice to make. It doesn't serve you in the least. It will pollute your insides and your life if you insist on holding onto it. Try to change your focus onto the productive things and try to keep your heart open and kind as much as you can. "
They just looked at me as if I had three heads but I will keep encouraging them to do that. I don't want them giving anymore of their precious life over to humans who are not ready to move on to grade six yet. I don't want them to get stuck in grade five forever either.
We all must compassionately accept that learning occurs at different levels and focus more on our own learning than that of the others.
All is well
Hmm! So much learning.
All is well!
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