Karma says if you focus on hurt you will continue to suffer; if you focus on the lesson you will continue to grow.
Unknown
People used to to tell me, " Be careful what you ask for!" And I would just shrug my shoulders. When I so arrrogantly challenged the Universe "to bring it on", I had no idea that it would oblige so quickly and so ferociously. I hear an "I told you so," coming from somewhere.
I was convinced I was evolved enough, prepared enough, "spiritually centered " enough as a human being to demand more from the teacher. To stand up from my seat in an Elementary classroom to say "Let's do a crash course in suffering now so I can flush everything out in one big swoosh."
Yeah...lol...I wasn't ready. The teacher obliged and now I fear She is going to knock me off my feet.
I am trying to convince myself that it is okay if the ego gets ripped off...I want it gone anyway...that sure it will hurt but if we pull it off fast it will be like ripping off a Bandaid. A sting then gone. Nope...I was wrong about that too. It is more like the months of dressing changes done on burn patients. (I do not mean to diminish that experience by using it in this analogy. Forgive me.)
The suffering of others is part of the learning process. I look around at all the suffering beings waiting in a que for me to be done with this court thing so I will have some time to help them and all I can think is..."Oh please...I don't want anyone waiting for me to help them anymore. I want this all to be over soon. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be responsible for the suffering of others anymore. It is too much." Sometimes I reflect and I realize ...I end up hurting the people I love more than helping them when I rush into help.
I remember a line I used to share with my students when I taught them psychology..."Help is the sunny side of control." I realize, in this court thing...though I certainly had some of the skill set that he needed I was often on the sunny side of control. Yeah. I apologized to him for that yesterday and I wanted to find a way to apologize to the truly lovely young woman who was representing him. I was harsh in my lack of trust and this need I felt to control the situation. Yuck! I didn't like that part of myself...that was a part of this "me" that I so badly want to scrape off...it was the same thing I was noticing in the others I was pointing a finger at....all ego at play. It was really clouding my higher Self and I was acting/reacting from that "hurt little me" rather than this omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent Self. I recognized the "goodness" of his lawyer as a person as soon as I met her. I had a very good feeling about her as being a fairly evolved human being. I picked that up right away and whenever I was in her presence..."Yeah! She is a good person!" ...but.... being a less than evolved human being, my fear based ego started chirping up in my head, "Don't trust! Don't trust!" and I listened to that! Man...I slipped. This caused a great deal of suffering for me, as this little human, for 48 hours. I was focusing on that suffering instead of focusing on the growth. I was sooo reactive! I felt punished by Karma again, even though I knew that wasn't what Karma was all about. It was a messy lesson I didn't end up passing.
Once I realized that, I came back to the classroom to humbly say to the teacher..."I made a mistake. I goofed! I took on more than I was ready for. Can we repeat that lesson?"
Now, I hold my breath and wait for the repeat lesson. Hopefully, I learned enough from this week to do it a heck of a lot better next time!
This is my Karma...all these challenges ...and I am okay with that. I was hoping my lessons wouldn't involve watching others suffer...but if it is, it is.
So, I might have failed a course or two...but I am sure Life has some remedial help and repeats to offer.
All is well
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