In the Midst of it All

 Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all.

The Buddha

I want to be like a giant tree. Man what would it feel like just to be able to rest in what is...not worrying about anything just standing there solid, stable , flexible in the midst of all the comings and goings?  Clinging to none of it.  Pushing away none of it. Just embracing everything as the amazing experience it is. 

Anyway, working on it!

All is well. 

The Energy Inside

The yogi's entire path is inside and the path is these energies..

Michael A. Singer

 I woke up this morning thinking about vibrational energy. More or less confined to bed yesterday because of a rough night with abdominal pain and subsequent dehydration ( I did get to the root of the pain I was experiencing over the last year in my left upper quadrant though),   I was listening to Ram Dass speak about energy.  

All we see and experience is energy vibrating at different rates.  Our thoughts are energy that vibrate faster than light so we cannot yet measure them with our gadgets in a lab...feelings are even faster.  In thoughts and emotions we have energies that are heavier bringing us "down"...meaning that when our consciousness follows them , It stays in the low energy vibration. There is a perceived absence of  light. We will then feel "low", physically  and mentally. And we have energies that are lighter bringing us "up"...when consciousness follows them and stays with those things we are vibrating at higher level. There is the experience  of light and "lightness"/ease. 

I obviously by my rambles about the dark night and malingering malignant moods , have been vibrating at the lower energy levels. The people around me are vibrating at that low energy level.  The whole house seems to be full of this low energy....thus my desire to escape it as if it were the cause of my experience of  low energy. It seems that this low energy state is impacting not only my mental health but my physical. I have had the experience of being physically incapacitated twice in as many weeks. It is so heavy!

Anyway, I awoke this morning with an intention to better understand vibrational energy in order to  lift the energy levels up in me and in this house.  In an attempt to lift the energy within me a bit, both for my sake and the sake of others around me, I began by doing  two guided meditations designed to lift vibrational energy.  Then I went to the "studying" component of my daily sadhana and opened up the Sunday talk from Michael A. Singer.  Guess what he was talking about? Energies.  Again there are the guiding hands of serendipity and synchronicity at play.

The funny thing was that I was thinking about how I could lift the vibrations externally.  Should I leave the house for a while?  Should I go out in the wilderness like a survivalists and consort with nature  in the purest of ways?  Should I simply sage my house? Maybe Fung shui it (or just clean it and get rid of junk)? Should I put the positive energy music  on throughout the day  like I used to?  Should I focus my thoughts on positive things?  Should I create a dreamboard of some kind so my vision and senses are focused on what is achieved at higher levels? Where can I go or what can I do to get the experience of more sunlight ( like it has been raining here with mostly persistent cloud cover for almost a month)?  What can I add to my life?  What can I get rid of? 

So I was thinking of all that when I opened up the podcast. I was beautifully reminded, however, that working with energy is purely an inside game.  It is not a game of choosing and selecting energy experiences "out there" that will improve our energy "in here"; it is not about grasping, clinging and pushing away;  and it is not about suppressing energy in the  name of "spirituality".  It is simply about letting the energies, in whatever form they are in, to just be...to come up to our conscious awareness when they are ready to do so, so we can "experience" them fully and then we let them go.  When I use thought to organize and control my energies, as I have been attempting to do,  I am not doing the yogic thing. All thought patterns are attempting to get [and keep] these energies together but the yogi doesn't get it together...they just let it all go. 

Hmm!  I will let the energies be and remain open to them coming up to my conscious awareness more fully. I might still sage the house though.  Even if all that does is get rid of the smell of wet dog. 

All is well 

Michael A. Singer /Temple of the Universe ( July 9,2023) Working With Your Inner Energies. https://tou.org/talks

Surviving

 To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Have this image of me as a survivalist on a mission to survive, and thrive in the uncharted forest of Yogananda's  "malingering malignant moods," or "the dark night of the soul".  

Alone

I am watching Alone,  a Netflix series about ten nature survivalists in this country's  borderline  artic, competing to see who is able to stick it out the longest in the harsh conditions they are encountering. They are encountering so many challenges from starvation to shelters catching on fire, from injury to loneliness.  What is needed beyond their survivalist know-how is a mental stamina, an ability to  fall back into their peaceful, calm centers no matter what happens "out there". I see many evolved beings on this program...those who have great connection and reverence for the environment and the other beings in it; those that have these non reactive mind spaces, (they seem to know how ego reaction would be detrimental to their physical survival ...they experience the emotion related to a setback and they so quickly let it go); and those that accept reality exactly as it is. I also see those who are so grateful for any tiny blessing that comes their way, whether it be a batch of berries they run across or a rabbit they are able to snare. Many feel great remorse for killing or harming anything  and express this remorse with their deep reverence and appreciation for the life they took. I also like that some speak about how being out there in the wilderness is much easier than struggling in the busy worlds they came from.  Something to be said about that. 

Surviving?

Anyway, as I am reminded of the challenges I am encountering now in this forest of "malingering malignant moods" (Mine and  those of the other beings in this forest...my present living situation)...I see myself as a survivalist. Though my circumstances are much better than those on the show,  I feel I am journeying through a dark night.  It is like I am stripped bare of all the things others seem to take for granted...moments of ease, lightness, distractions in the form of  fun and excitement, hope, a bit of abundance, happiness, laughter, entertainment, joy....as well as old tendencies and defenses I once used to get by with. ) My mission is merely to survive this because I know there is a great award waiting if I do...freedom from suffering. 

The Challenge

Like all the other 8 billion contestants,  I was plopped down on a specific  area on this globe for reasons I do not understand, an area with its own set of circumstances to endure,  and it is my job to make the best of where I landed and what I am given  in terms of both bounty and challenge.I am met with so many challenges in a day...many  minor, many not. I feel myself as "me" starving and wasting away as I get through everyday, (which is a good thing...we want to shed the excess weight  of"me" ... so the deeper Self can be experienced, right?). I continue to build and maintain my shelter ( my practice) amidst the harsh conditions ( a busy world that doesn't want to let me practice, it seems...so much other things to do just to get by) . Though I know it is an inner game, I hunt for any bit of light and blessing and peace and love  I can find "out there" to supplement teh growth occurring internally,  but the land seems barren, offering only tiny bits of what I am looking for. I am so appreciative, down on my knees appreciative, when I find these blessings to consume,  or when there is even a short reprieve from having to deal with the many challenges.  I feel great appreciation when  I find even a glimpse of what I am looking for but have to struggle to stay in my center when I don't. I am constantly dealing with the shelter issues, the food issues, my own body's demand for more, wild things I cannot control, the weather etc.  It seems that if things can go wrong, they go wrong again and again and again.  It is exhausting to have to deal with one thing after another all the time . On top of that I have to deal with a line of  suffering others who show up at my door. I want to feed and provide shelter for them,  but  for  reasons beyond what I can understand or control, they fight me. At the same time, I am weak and starving, barely getting by with so little resources to share but I give what I have to others before I feed myself.  That is not a true survivalist technique. Am I failing?

Failing?

 I feel like I am running out of the energy to deal with all this. I feel very much alone, yet I can't be alone.  I want to give up. The sky  is constantly dark and cloudy overhead and I tell myself if I could just experience  a bit of sun, just a bit more than what I am experiencing, it would motivate me more to keep going. Not finding the sun "out there"...I try to find it in my heart. Aditya Hridayam punyam sarv shatru bena shenam. 

Internal Reserves Versus External Challenge

I am constantly trying to build up  internal reserves. I fear, however, that the external demands out weigh my internal reserves at this point. It is tough. Yet, I am determined not to tap out! I tell myself I just have to hang on and muster through this dark night. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. If I keep practicing, it will get better inside me soon so it won't matter what happens out there. Sigh!

Be Prepared for the Moments of Weakness

That sounds so depressing, doesn't it? Not my intention to depress but to express what it feels like to be where I am at this part of the journey. I want to prepare you for what might happen as you progress on this journey. Just like the contestants report how after all the warnings they got about what it would be like out there before they took on the challenge,   no one ever told them about the "weakness" they would experience. It came as a shock to them.  There is a weakness we may experience as we make our way through the dark night of the soul.  It is best to be prepared for it when it comes so it doesn't overwhelm you.  I was a bit overwhelmed at first but am getting used to it now. :) 

From Striving to Thriving

So I keep going. I am surviving.  Soon, I am confident, I will be able to say I am thriving.

All is well.  

Doing "Right" with What Life Gives Us

 

What is given to us in this life time doesn't matter as much as what we do with it. 
Jack Kornfield

I always wonder if I am doing enough with all these challenging circumstances Life has handed me. I wonder if I am doing it "right" in terms of the eight fold path. I really I wondered that, through an experience I had a few evenings ago,  even though rationally I know I cannot fix other people or change their destiny.  I can support and encourage and be present but I cannot change anyone.  I know the only person I can control and work on is me. Working on me is all about letting go of "me" and its desire for things to be different than they are. I offer my best to the other when I am not in ego reactivity mode. 

I keep hitting this situation with this one individual where it is never enough or never "right" in the way I support and give in their time of need. ...according to them.  Of course, it is true. I am making oodles of mistakes, even judging and reacting some but I do not, no matter how much I reflect, see my reaction in the way they say it is. They spend so much time and energy, when they are at the point of their emotional nose dive, trying to convince me, themself  and anyone else who will listen about how unsupportive, judgemental, defensive  and uncaring I am being.  When they are calm and have let go of the grievances held against me for how "poorly I supported them in the time of need"...I couldn't be more loving...again, according to them. 

 

So anyway...I do not pray for Life to give me something different in this relationship challenge it has offered me. I don't pray that Life make this easier on "me" ( well, at least not often lol). Who is "me"? I do pray for the other person's recovery whole heartedly and I pray to stay open as much as possible as they progress on their journey ...to do "right" with this. 

It is challenging for this person that I am, who still many times gets distracted by my own stored mind stuff, these feelings inside "me",  and with what Life seems to be unfolding in front of me to stay open.  It is challenging not to feel these attacks and challenges  as "personal". Still I try to depersonalize it...to experience what is happening, not as  egoic "me" but as deeper Self. Individuals, still in the height of ego identificaton...so distracted by the mess in their own heads that they identify with it and can not see anything or anyone else, don't like when I attempt ( albeit imperfectly and often unsuccessfully) to put away my own ego.  Every attempt I make to fall back away from the drama of the situation and into the seat of the Witness so I can stay clear, calm and loving enough to handle it,  is seen as a shutting down and coldness by a certain other. 

"You are shutting down!" is the observed complaint. It is true. I need to detach somewhat so I do not react.  It wouldn't be possible to stay in those volatile situations if I didn't...but  "I am" there, so I assume, in the best way a person could be there. "Me" may be shut off to some degree but the Wiser part of me is there. They don't want the "Deeper I"  at that time...though...they want my ego encouraging the melodrama. They want an ego to ego interaction. My lack of reactivity is seen as coldness.  Hmm!

Upon listening deeply, I understand the pain, the emotions and the thought process  of this individual.  I do.  I see the pain. I don't, however,  obviously understand the behaviour of this person and the choices they make  which they stress are a part of who they are and that others should just be okay with them. Anyone who doesn't sit with them as a target  while they are more or less being what would be described as "abusive" is "abandoning  them in the moment of pain". Anyone who doesn't whole heartedly empathize or agree with their version of reality , is "judging" them. When one attempts to add a different perspective to their expressed reality or at least make them aware that that is not what we are thinking as they accuse us of feeling a certain way...we again are not validating, judging, not accepting them for who they are. When one kindly and calmly creates physical distance during the volatile episodes, one is accused of being responsible for  making the emotions spiral even more out of control and for any physical harm done to this person  or other ( usually property) during the explosive emotional outbursts.  There is absolutely no accountability, no responsibility at the time because they honestly believe  "I can't help it. I can't control my emotions so I can't control my behaviour.  It is who I am and you should just accept me and everything I do because of it. I am in pain. Can't you see, I am in pain. You have to help me. Give me what I  need. If you don't give me what I need...if you don't validate my pain in the exact way I need you to...the pain will get worse. I will have no choice then  but to "do" something that will hurt me or property. " They honestly believe that. 

The expression of this belief  is so convincing, that if one on the other side of these interactions  is not absolutely careful, they will come to believe they are responsible for any harm the individual inflicts on self and property. That they are responsible for the pain spiral, for the person's emotional well being, for their life.  It is very easy to get distracted by and drawn into this ego identification of the person expressing pain in this way. 

It is so true...the pain is real!! The intensity of the emotion... the quick escalation of it...is so real.  It must be terrifying for the person experiencing it.  It kills me to see this beautiful vibrant person be consumed by this pain when it is triggered.   Yet , I seem to see beyond teh pain.  I believe from observation, this monster inside them is also being internally and unknowingly  fed by the person as they are escalating. As I have been sitting through these experiences attempting to use my intellectual mind, rather than my personal mind (yes...when personal mind comes in there is judgement and defensiveness on my part), to observe where the feeding hand is coming from.  Where is that obscure  line between the trigger and the emergence of the  pain experience, between the pain at say four on the scale to the pain that is reported to be well over ten, and between the ability to control and the lack of?  I am trying to decipher what the person has control of during these experience and what they don't. I intuitively believe there is an element of control that the person is refusing to explore. That distinction seems so crucial.  This believing "I have no control over this" is creating more problems than necessary.  I want them to see there is an element of control but accepting that, may mean taking responsibility and accountability for past actions which would open up a pandora's box of guilt and shame giving them even more pain to deal with. It would also, however, be  the key to healing.  I want this person to recognize that this "disorder", this  "illness" is not who they are...it is just something they have.  Though it causes a great deal of pain, it does not have to cost them their life. The resistance of pain is obvious a big issue here. 

Oh wow! See what I am doing here?  I am "wanting" something for another person...(not only for them but for me as well.  I do feel better when they are not having pain episodes.  I do.  I feel "relief".  It makes my so called life easier.) But  I cannot fix this other person.  How dare I think I can.  It has nothing to do with "me". ( And again, who is "me"?) Their life, their journey...not mine. They are where they are and my job is to simply love them where they are.  Right now our relationship  is challenging but this challenge can help me to grow .  I can continue to work on "me"...the only thing that will really matter in the long run...so I stay open, accepting, present and loving with this person and all persons in my life. 

More importantly, however, I see how my wanting is taking me away from accepting what is right now. Right now what I think and perceive and yes still "judge" about this other person's experience means absolutely nothing in the big scheme of things. It is "statistically insignificant" .  My worry and concern over  my well being as I relate...." statistically insignificant." My worry and concern over their well being..."statistically insignificant" .   Our relationship....statistically insignificant.  Our life spans on this planet that has been going on for 4.5 billion years...statistically insignificant.  

So this relationship challenge, this observation of pain in another, is what Life has given "me". It isn't important.  What is important is what I do with it.  What do I do with it?  I keep working on going deeper, staying deeper, staying in my calm center refusing to get disturbed by any of it.  Maybe, just maybe, if I can stay there...suffering others around me will learn to find that calm center within themselves. 

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the  Universe ( July 6, 2023) Letting Go-The Path from Distraction to Liberation. https://tou.org/talks/

I am

 I am without form, without limit.

I am beyond space, beyond time.

I am in everything.  Everything is in me.

I am the bliss of the universe...

everywhere am I.

I am existence absolute,

knowledge absolute

bliss absolute.

I am that.

I am.

Swami Rama Tirtha

Ram Dass/ Be Here and Now Network ( 2017?) Ram Dass Here Now-Episode 7-The Veil. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afULqyFWPC4

Concentrating on the Witness

 Om mani padme hum...

I am the jewel in the lotus

Buddhist mantra

This is a lovely mantra that Ram Dass shared in the below linked podcast.  He explains that its recitation  is giving reverence to the part of Om that rests in the heart.  I like that. It's translated  meaning, I discovered,  has been highly debated over the years.  I have read the many translations and have taken it upon myself to choose this one: I am the jewel in the lotus.  Of course by "I am", I am not referring to little "me" but to who I am at the deepest level, who we all are at the deepest level...to that consciousness and Source we share. Hmm! I just love the sound of this mantra and how it makes me feel. 

Anyway...traditionally this mantra was not supposed to be passed down to non-buddhist and that floors me.  Of all religions, I thought Buddhism was  the less secular and exclusive? If the motivation for using it is pure...the desire for truth and Self realization...shouldn't anyone be able to use it?  Of course, one could use whatever words they wanted in their mantras in whatever language they pleased, couldn't they?  Just words! But the sound of Om and hum are divine sounds that no words could compare to. That is why mantras like these are special.  I mean no disrespect to any ordained buddhist but I will continue to use it. Something tells me that the Buddha wouldn't mind. (Of course, I don't know anything.)

Rent-a-Body; Rent-a-Mind

In the below video, Ram Dass also spoke about the veil that arises to cover the True Self...the Atman...from our attention.  He spoke about how we get so identified with and "fascinated" by external things like bodies, thoughts, feelings and the going ons "out there" that we forget who we really are. He used the analogy of the rent- a -body and rent - a- mind we are driving around in.  Body and mind  are just vehicles and tools we are to use while here...we can't take them with us... but we have become so "fascinated" or identified with them we see them as who we are.  We become frightened over the prospect of losing the body to physical death, or losing  the concept of who we have come to believe we are to truth. He reminded us that we do not become frightened when we leave our cars even if that car is going over a cliff ( as long as we are not in it). We are not our cars, not our bodies and not our thoughts, ideas, beliefs etc. We really do not need to be frightened by Life.

Hmm! Once we wake up to the truth of who we are we will no longer be afraid of dying physically or mentally. Patanjali offered us a process for waking up.  Single focused concentration  is part of that (dharana) and a mantra like the one above can be the thing we focus on. We can focus on  a candle flame or breath.   We can use a mala etc but the thing is we are trying to bring something between the distracted subject and the objects of the experience,  so we are not lost in this over identification with mind stuff.  We have to look at the mind as a drunk monkey who just got bit by a scorpion. (Swami Vivekananda) This mind needs to be calmed down and focus can help us to do that. Our goal with dharana is to bring the focus back away from that object we ae focusing on, to that which is doing the focusing....  on witness consciousness.  Once we create distance between what we are sensing and the one that is sensing, aware taht we are not what we are sensing...we are on our way. This will eventually take us to samadhi and true merger...where we realize that who we truly are is one with everything.

I am at the point where I am still busy trying to sober this monkey up and to soothe the sting of the scorpion bite. :)  I do not imagine I will get to the point where I realize I am completely one with everything any time soon, if at all,  but if I can at least remove any scruples I have about change or diminish the fear of death, I will be more than alright.

I have no scruple of change or fear of death.  I was never born nor had I parents.

Swami Rama Tirtha

All is well in my world.

Ram Dass/ Be Here and Now Network ( 2017?) Ram Dass Here Now-Episode 7-The Veil. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=afULqyFWPC4

Wikepedia https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Om_mani_padme_hum

A Beautiful Trunk?

Everything is beautiful until you tell yourself it isn't.

Michael A. Singer

Hmm!  I know that to be true but things don't seem so beautiful to me right now.  I have been reflecting on how forking hard "my life" has been.  This descended on me like a big dark cloud this morning.  I intended to come out here at 530 to begin my daily practice, my sadhana, but I never slept well last night, so  I pressed the "dismiss" instead of the "snooze" when the alarm went off. I lay there but instead of going back to restful sleep  ...I became overwhelmed with this thought: "Man ...it has just been so hard....from childhood until now...boom, boom, boom...one extreme challenge after another. And it looks like there is more ahead.  I am just so tired of it all and I do not know how much more my body and mind will take."  I was not feeling sorry for myself ...just facing this reality and it  was that awareness that got me out of bed an hour late ...but still early enough for practice. I knew I needed my practice.

So I dragged myself out to the kitchen...fed the crows who have been at me since the alarm went off to feed them, and the cats were circling my feet so I took care of them.  Then I made a cup of tea and sat in my spot.  I did a bit of praying... in honor of all those who walked before me on this path.  I asked for a bit of guidance and support in my practice and I half meditated, while I drank my tea,  to the "Ahh" meditation from Wayne Dyer...skipped right to the affirmations part. After a few deep beautiful breaths I listened to Michael A. Singer's podcast...jotting down a few words as I did so. Now here I am. This is not how I planned to practice.  Seems half ass but it was this.

Anyway this reflection on how challenging my life has been is an important one and an important part of this practice. It is like a labelled storage container, a trunk,   in which so many samskaras are packed was placed outside my proverbial meditation cave. When this thought comes up all the neatly packed samskaras come up to the surface waiting for me to open this container and set them free. So much could be released simply by accepting that it has been so forking difficult. It could be a major step in purification. And I do want to be purified.  It isn't however giving me the  "beautiful" vibe lol.

Now I know I am the one that packed this trunk! I created much of my own suffering with my resistance to what is...I see what my mind has done very clearly in its desire to help me "cope"over the years...but the challenges Life handed me were quite extraordinary for one human to deal with. This "me" needed to escape some of it.  I have to cut myself some slack for using my defense mechanisms the way I did.  It was forking hard and it still is.  I am physically and mentally wore out! Do I have the energy to open that blasted trunk? 

I know there is a valid reason for everything that happens. Life gave me this trunk of experiences for a reason.  I don't know  what the reason was other than all that ever was is creating what is. It isn't personal but if I brought it down to the level of "my" soul, I can assume that if soul  came down here to evolve it must have needed this crap I dealt with (or didn't deal with) to do just that.  It must have had some karma or something to work out ( still feel a bit like I am being punished. Like I might have been responsible for some serious crap  cuz  I obviously had a lot to work out) . Regardless,  I want to put my soul's need first!! I do.  So I accept, even if this mind of mine doesn't understand, what is, was and will be!  

If she [Life] brings something to you...you dance with it.

I want to be able to embrace this trunk, love and honor it and everything inside it.  I do.  I may not be able to dance with it because it is too heavy lol but I can open it and explore what is inside as I let it all go. It won't be easy...heck it isn't easy now...but maybe  even pain of purification can be beautiful.  I just have to stop telling myself it isn't!

Be willing to go through pain...pain is purification...

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( July 4, 2023) Live to Protect or Live to Be. https://tou.org/talks/

 

Keeping the Sun in the Heart

 All evil vanishes from Life for he who keeps the sun in his heart. 

Ram Dass Mantra

How does one keep the sun in their heart after so many days of rain? With a committed practice of working on one's self.

I can do nothing for you, but work on myself.  You can do nothing for me, but work on yourself. Ram Dass

I woke up not so committed to my Sadhana (daily spiritual practice).  I felt the urge of resistance when the alarm went off at 530, telling myself, "It is okay.  You were not feeling well all weekend, there was so much chaos on top of that, and you had a busy day with the grandkids yesterday. It's raining and gloomy.  Forget the practice.  You are not in an ashram or monastery for goodness sake...you don't have to practice as if you were! Stay in bed.  Rest! " And I pressed the snooze button and rolled over.  

I didn't, however, fall to sleep right away.  The mind became active with some less than happy thought.  Remembering some advice I got once about waking up on the wrong side of the bed, "Go back to sleep and wake up on the right side," I closed my eyes and tried harder. The thoughts got louder and I watched them from a distance as they got louder.  Then the quiet voice of reason within me simply encouraged me  to get up out of bed.  So I did.  I came out here with those less than positive thoughts and the emotions they induce, with the heavy rain beating on the window pain..."again"... and I sat with what is as I practiced. 

It was a lovely practice so far.  Not over...because I go from meditating, to listening or reading wise words from highly evolved beings, to a mini hatha and a kriya practice, and then on to a day of mindfulness and Karma yoga ( being aware that everything I "do" provides some type of wholesome service). This writing I do now is a part of my karma yoga and therefore an important part of my sadhana. My sadhana is not over.  In fact, it won't be until I drift off to sleep tonight. 

It was easier to stay committed to the practice when I was the only one awake.  Not so easy now.  People around me love their screens and electronics and they like the volume.  I have a terribly hard time relaxing into what is when I hear the TV on or some video playing at high volume. Such electronic use  just seems to "crash" into my morning, creating  a nasty sensory experience for me to deal with.   It is like nails down the chalkboard, affecting me viscerally as well as mentally and emotionally.  I find myself instantaneously tightening up in the height of aversion.  I am angry at the person for turning the TV on, or blasting their volume up. How dare they interrupt my sadhana?! I deny them the right for their morning routine because I tell myself my practice is higher; I am trying to rise above mind stuff...while they are trying to slip below it with their numbing activities. I step on the  spirituality high  horse and prance around the house with my "Do you mind?  Could you turn that down?" or "I told you before, I cannot have the electronics blasting when I am practicing in the morning." I react!

Hmm! This reaction to the electronics as well as the less than happy thoughts and feelings I had when I woke up...as well as the resistance to the practice are not interruptions to my sadhana. They are all parts of my practice too. I can learn and grow from all of it. I am beginning to embrace all these things as I observe them unfolding around me and in me. All I have to do is keep the sun in my heart...remembering that I am here to serve others not control their morning routines, that I am here to learn and grow so I must thank them for showing me I have a ways to go, and I am here to shine the light of the sun ( that is within all of us) outward to help light up the world. It isn't about "me".

Hmmm!

Aditya Hridayam punyam sarv shatru bena shenam...Mantra above

All is well! 

Ram Dass/ Be Here and Now Network (2017) Ram Dass Here and Now-Episode 6- The Four Noble Truths. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64vQVBwaxJc

500 Users a Day

 500 users a day.  Should I be concerned? I don't feel comfortable with the fact that the stats on this site are showing that there is over 500 readers/user/posts read ( not really sure what the stats are recording)a day.  This has been going on for over a week.  Now these most recent readers are shown to come from Singapore.  When I go to Google Analytics...there are no readers from Singapore. Some from Nigeria and some from here? So I assuming most of the high readership is coming from bots but how did they get on to the site when I have spam protection and what do they want? Most importantly, are they harmful?

Anyway...just putting that out there.

Something Beautiful In Here

Pleasures conceived in the world of the senses have a beginning and an end and give birth to misery, Arjuna. The wise do not look for happiness in them. But those who overcome the impulses of lust and anger [desire and aversion?] which arise in the body are made whole and live in joy.  They find their joy, their rest, and their light completely within themselves. 

Gita , Chapter 5: 22-24

"There is something beautiful in here"

We have all probably recognized, at one point or another, even if it was just in a flickering glimmer, that there is something beautiful inside us.  I mean most of the time we attribute this something beautiful to being a reflection of something beautiful out there but there are other  times we get a glimpse that there is something beautiful inside that is not dependent on what is going on outside. For even just a fraction of a minute we might find our joy, our rest and our light completely within ourselves. 

I have not experienced it much but I have experienced a taste of that unconditional peace, joy, love...if not the 'bliss'  that yoga promises. I know there is something to that promise and I want whatever that beautiful thing is to come pouring through me and out of me. I want freedom from that which is blocking it most of all  and then I want to taste the rest and light of love at least...even if pure unconditional joy and bliss remain at a distance to my not fully evolved mind. 

I want to open and stay open. That is why I practice yoga.

Free from anger and selfish desire, unified in mind, those who follow the path of yoga and realize the Self are established forever in that supreme state. Gita, Chapter 5:26

I am not sure if I will ever reach the supreme state but I do strive for freedom from suffering for myself and others.  It is a start.

I am aware of what desire and aversion do to our human psyches so I am doing my best to put my preferences aside so I can accept Life as it is.  I realize what such preferring has done to this personal mind...this ego.  It has made it neurotic as it stuffed so many emotional charged feelings and "mind stuff" within.  I am aware of how all this stuff...these samskaras are blocking my flow.  I see how external triggers that bump into these samskaras are causing me to resist and close to Life as it is, so I am not living fully.  I have closed down the flow of shakti within me. 

I also  trust the teachings that tell us that the earth  (this horizontal plane of existence) is a place where souls are sent to evolve.  My soul can grow beyond these blockages, in fact it can grow because of these challenging samskaras.  All I have to do is accept...open...not close anymore and allow the release of these blockages. Hmm!

We can open up, full time, to the beauty within. Through yoga we can learn to  experience peace, joy, love and bliss no matter what unfolds in front of us or through us! 

First step: Open: do your part in removing blockages as you recognize they are in the way of you experiencing Shakti.  Learn to love your stuff...see it as that which helps you to open. don't worry about the stuff already in you...it will come up naturally.

Second step: Don't close.  Keep open to whatever unfolds in front of you  as you begin to experience the flow of shakti rising...first in trickles and streams ...as you catch yourself saying"Wow!  There is something beautiful in here." Then, Singer assures us, eventually we will begin to feel the unconditional peace, joy, love and bliss flowing like a river upwards. 

We can be made whole and live in joy through our practice. Embrace the learning challenges offered by Life. All of them. Even our "malingering malignant moods" (Yogananda) can be lessons for learning.

All is well! 

 Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( July 2, 2023) Transcending Moods.https://tou.org/talks/

Happy Canada Day and Happy Birthday

 Happy Canada Day!!

And

Happy Birthday to My Granddaughter...now Three

All is Well!

The Opening of Invisible Doors

 

By our calculations, 

thinking of nothing else;

by our desires, 

abandoning all other hopes;

by our efforts,

 renouncing all bodily comforts; 

we managed to gain entrance 

into this new world... 

so it seemed to us.

But we learned later

that if we were able  

to approach Mount Analogue [symbolic of Heaven]

it was because the invisible doors 

of that invisible  country

had been opened to us 

by those who guard them.

The cock, crowing in the milky dawn, 

thinks that its call raises the sun;

the child, howling  in the closed room, 

thinks that its cry opens the door 

but  sun and  mother  follow courses 

set by their own beings.

Those who see us, 

even though we can not see them,

open the door in answer 

to our puerile calculations,

our unsteady desires, 

and our awkward efforts

with a generous welcome. 

From Mount Analogue by Rene Daumal

As recited by Ram Dass in the below podcast

Ram Dass/ Be Here Now Network (2017) Ram Dass Here Now-Episode Four-Guru Found https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2RTmkol00U

Believe there might have been a host of unseen forces leading me to hear these words today. :) I felt compelled to share. 

Sitting here with chest pain. Was  feeling a bit  bummed that I was not able to stick to the activity plan I devised because my body said "no" but I decided this angina bout was one of those things that show up that one deals with.  So I am dealing. :) . Getting relief with the Nitro but it keeps coming back after about thirty minutes or so if I attempt to do too much. Not worried...at all...which I attribute to the fact that I have had this for years and know how it works for me. And because of my practice,  I no longer resist it, or get all tied up in the "this shouldn't be" of it.  It is as it is.  I don't run to ER like I used to either when the pain keeps coming back after the nitro wears off .  I just rest and muster through. I will go in if I absolutely have to but I am not there yet. I will know if that time comes. For now,  I deal with it when it is in my face and forget about it when it isn't.  I mean I pretty much totally forgot that I even have this. Yoga does so many wonderful things I am having less bouts .  And the medication I am on is working in keeping the episodes down. But it has not gone away.  It doesn't have to go either. My body knows its limits and is strongly telling me that I have been exceeding those limits over the last few days. Time to review my goals.  I will listen to the body and remember that all things happen for a reason.  This bout gave me the opportunity to rest, to spend time with my daughter and to listen to Ram Dass.  It may last a few days as these clusters tend to do.  I will just take it as it comes, expecting nothing...and accepting all of it.

It is all so very good! 

Tethered?

 What you think will make you happy, means everything else won't. You didn't define what will make you happy, you defined what won't.

Michael A. Singer

Michael A. Singer, in the below linked podcast,  tells us once again that in our search for being happy, our attempts at "selecting", " preferring" , "wanting" certain things in our life circumstances at the exclusion of others, is more about not wanting rather than wanting.  Regardless, the above words  remind us of the essence of the Buddha's teaching: "Desire" is the root cause of all suffering. Desire of course also includes the opposite side of the coin, "aversion" ( not wanting).

In a Hot Air Balloon Going Nowhere? Check the Tethers.

He offers the analogy of the hot air balloon tethered to a big spike buried deep, and firmly cemented into the earth.  We want the feeling of being up, "light", free but we are tethered.  Our goal is to release the tether.  

Most of us seek the release of suffering, ie peace and happiness, through what we erroneously believe is the cause of suffering....that spiked tether end  that is rooted to the earth. We have this notion that if we change what is happening "out there", get what we want  from the material world  and keep the "unwanted" away, we  can be happy and free.  That type of mentality is equivalent to thinking we need to jump out of the Gondola and with pick and shovel...dig through the earth and the cement the balloon is tied to before we can rise up. This is a process that requires so much effort, so little gain.  We cannot change the physical world.  Sure we may get some things we want and feel momentarily good because of it...we may then conclude that such action is fruitful but when we really look at it...we will see that it isn't.  

The external world  is the way it is and it creates rope that reaches up to us.  The problem isn't the end of the rope the earth is holding.  It isn't what we get or don't get from the external world but that we, in the Gondola, are reaching for and hanging  on to that tethers. We and our clinging , our preferring is what is keeping us from going up.  To be free we don't change the world so it gives us what we want...we simply let go of that end to which we were clinging. We stop wanting! We stop averting and resisting what we don't want!

It is our ego that is doing the clinging. Our ego and its attachment to "me, my, and mine" that is the problem.  In all actuality we are up.  Our consciousness, which is high and free,  is looking down at our egoic mind and its thoughts and its feelings...our psyche or ego which is just an accumulation of all our life experiences. I imagine these as a bunch of sand bags. In that psyche is the experiences we stuffed and stored ( samskaras) which ego is constantly trying to appease and keep down. So distracted by this personal  mind stuff, so absorbed into it, are we, that we have the delusion that we are weighted down, tethered to the earth, stuck and unable to rise up.

  If we get rid of ego...throw some of its sand bags over or at least slap the tether out of its hand , we will realize that we are floating above the earth and all  worldly drama. Until we do that, we will never truly enjoy life, never truly appreciate it for what it is and what it has to offer.  The only pseudo joy we will experience, is when ego gets what it wants and manages to keep what it doesn't want away. That is an exhausting way to live because number one: the work required to change the world  so it accommodates us never ends. It is exhausting and fruitless. And Two: we are fighting a battle we can never win.  Life is going to be life no matter what we attempt to do about it.  Reality is reality. Our resistance only makes this journey so darned hard! ...You are carrying around a burden that is incomprehensible and unsolvable.

The Only Real Lasting Solution 

The only solution is to take responsibility for our holding on and let go.   Let go of the rope, let go our our wanting, our aversion and our egos. We will still have the "mind stuff". Thoughts and feelings will come and go but we do not have to base every decision we make on them, on what this personal mind tells us.  We can instead rely in the impersonal intellectual mind. Hmm! At least until we realize how high high up we actually are and how far we can go. 

Hanging on to the tether and seeking to free ourselves by changing the world is not what we want.  Resistance and what it creates in us is what we don't want. Ego creates the illusion of a weight that keeps us down...we can free ourselves of the weight and the tether by surrendering to what is. 

Throw the sand bags of ego overboard and let go of the tether. You were never meant to spend your entire life  grounded to the earth.  Just the opposite.

All is well in my world.

Michael A Singer ( June 29) Letting Go of the Rope.https://tou.org/talks/

Not So Arrogant

 I am not so arrogant to think I am the only guide someone needs- but I might be the guide someone needs. 

Laura Anne Gilman (Good Reads)

I am not so arrogant as to believe the numbers.

The site is saying I have had over 1 K readers in the last 24 hours.  Google analytics is saying something totally different lol. Like I mean totally different. Why is that? I guess, I am not meant to know if I am reaching anyone and how many.  I mean the "how many" really is only significant to the ego ( which btw is still around , though much less annoying  and noisy :) ). . The "if", however, is significant to that wiser part of me who shows up here everyday. Hmm!  Maybe I have to find a site where the tracking is more reliable. I don't know. 

All is well.

Freedom From Self

 

We don't seek freedom for self. We seek freedom from self.

All is well!

As the World Turns

 When you are okay with how it is, you are okay. If you are okay with no matter  how it will be, you are in great shape. If you are okay with all that was, you made it.

Michael Singer

Hmm! The words above certainly offer a gauge for measuring how we are progressing along this path. Basically, the more we can accept Life as it is, will be and was... the closer we are to freedom, which is our ultimate goal, right?  Freedom means we no longer have samskaras blocking our shakti flow.  We can experience free flowing peace and joy as it arises without condition, regardless of what is happening out there.

The process of  opening up to, focusing  our attention on ,and experiencing the nonconditional peace, joy, love within us is the spiritual path. How rapidly will we progress? According to Michael A. Singer, your path will be as rapid as your willingness to accept the truth and to let go of the need for melodrama. 

How can we get to that point where it doesn't matter what is happening out there and to always be able to experience  free flowing shakti?  This is what I got as tips from Singer (though he didn't offer them in this form). 

1. Remember that every single "problem" is self generated and unnecessary. 
2. Remind self daily about how tiny our problems are: We are just micro specks in a tiny speck of time  on a tiny speck of dirt. Our problems then, are just tiny specks in this tiny existence we call "my life." 
3. Stop defining life as a problem.  It isn't a problem anywhere but in our minds.
4. Stop making problems bigger than they are, stop creating suffering  through our need for "melodrama". Soap operas may be fun to watch and we might even enjoy starring as the victim  in a few real life ones, but it only keeps us away from truth. When we add drama to "truth" we make a real mess of our lives
5. Get back to the "suchness" of things, the "what is" of the experience that is unfolding in front of you. 
6. Remember ... It is all about staying open to Life instead of resisting it.  Closing to Life creates resistance and tension.  Tension shows up as suffering. Staying open to what is is acceptance and through that we experience the peace we are seeking.
7. To stay open we need to stop preferring one thing over another. Most of the time, Singer reminds us, we don't even know what we really want.  We just think we do. Our wanting is not a reliable source of information  or a trustworthy means of basing our opening and closing of the doors that let the shakti pour through on . Life, as it is, is much more reliable and trust worthy. Accept all!
8. Learn to enjoy and honor the experience of the experience, no matter what it is! Life is just one big amazing ride we are on.  If we are open to all of it, without preference for some...aversion for other,,,we cannot help but to stay open. 
9. Remember you are the experiencer, the observer of the experience, and not the experience. 
10. Keep reminding yourself that nothing is personal and nothing lasts. All things are impermanent. You are just one of 8 billion and here for a very very short time in comparison to  how long the planet has been here. Your so called "problem" is merely a fraction of a blink of an eye in universal time. Challenges will come and challenges will go.  Again...you are just a  micro speck in a speck of time, on a speck of dirt. How can it be about you and your drama?

Anyway, that is what came to mind when  I listened to today's podcast. You may get something totally different from this when you listen for yourself.  So please do.

All is well!

Michael A. Singer (June 26, 2023) Cutting Through the Melodrama. https://tou.org/talks/

Karma Yoga Daily Routine

 Karma Yogi-who is free from attachment, whose mind is fixed in Self knowledge, and who does work as a service to the Lord, merges  completely in the knowledge form as Brahman.

Bhagavad Gita 4:23

Okay...so I came up with a plan. Despite what I have written about getting beyond "To-Do Lists",  I created one.  This one is different than the list I would have written 7-8 years ago.  I used to be really good at creating  lists of things to do each day based on "me" achieving my external world goals. I was very much attached to outcome and my mind was fixed on what I, as "me", could achieve for self. It got me into a lot of trouble and stopped me from experiencing simply "being"...thus the article I wrote for Tiny Buddha years ago. 

My motivation and desire for outcome, however,  has changed dramatically since then. This list  is about how to achieve my inner world goals of Self-realization by simply keeping busy and getting out of the way of the process happening within me. I call it  "Karma Yoga Daily Routine For the Summer". Being that there will be no working outside the home to include on this list over the summer months...it will address what I can do ( what I haven't being doing enough of) around here to keep the mind busy while the healing  takes place within me. I am providing service to those who live in this house with me as well as to myself. I may advance outside the home if Life provides the opportunity but for now this is good enough. :) The  planned routine  will include my yoga practice, of course, as well as routine daily tasks.  It is based on the search I did to understand the daily routine of buddhist nuns in a monastery as well as the daily routine in ashrams. In both cases...spiritual development is the major goal. Hopefully, it will keep me committed and motivated enough to stop floundering around like a fish out of water...so I am not so lost in the mess created by  this dark night of the soul and am instead, showing up for my life.

I will share with you to help cement my commitment. So this is a breakdown of my daily routine:

• 530: awaken and meditation
• 0600-0630: Sun Salutations and mini hatha practice with kriya
• 0630-0730: Tea/ study/listen/read..."spiritual" material
• 0730-0800: Exercise: walk or something
• 0800: Karma Yoga/ Offering Service: Pet feeding and care
• 0800-0830: Breakfast for Fam
• 0830-0930: Karma Yoga/ Offering Service: Blog
• 0930-1030: Karma Yoga/ Offering Service: Write 1500 words in another potentially publishable project...something that will inspire and help others
• 1030-1230: Karma Yoga/Offering Service: House work according to weekly plan
• 1230: Lunch for Fam
• 1300-1400: Karma Yoga/ Offering Service: Dishes and housework
• 1400-1500: Karma Yoga/ Offering Service: Outside in nature: walk dogs, tend to garden or other
• 1500-1700: Free Time...I will give "me" a bit of time etc.  Can spend this with "special" others until I am able to advance beyond the "special" . I will also make and drink a green smoothie at this time to nourish the body.
• 1700: Yoga Nidra or kriya
• 1730-1830: Preparation and supper ( going to leave the clean up to others)
• 1830-2000: Karma Yoga/ Offering Service: Yoga Class or a creation of yoga video
• 2000-2200: Free Time.  Again, I will appease the "me" with some Netflix or some reading or whatever.  Time spent with D. 
• 2200: Shower  followed by evening meditation
• 2230: Bed.  Can read for a while

Though it seems rigid and inflexible. I intend to make it anything  but rigid.  If Life hands me something other than what I have on my list to deal with...I will deal with that.  I have no problem straying a bit...as long as it is Life and not my resistant ego guiding me away from my Karma Yoga routine. That will be the tricky part.  I will have to constantly stop and ask, whenever I feel the pull away from routine, "Is this ego resisting or is it Life offering me another task? Would pursuing this be wholesome or unwholesome for my growth in the long run?" etc. 

I have, in the past, publicly professed that I was not a fan of to-do lists but I think that had more to do with the motivation and goal seeking my old lists involved.  Motivation and goals are completely different now.  My main goal is to just show up in Life as this process of healing and purification continues within me.  I want to stay busy and out of the way doing helpful things. My goal is not "success" in material world terms but in spiritual.  I want Self realization and that goal will be behind everything I do.   

All is well. 

The Seat of the Yogi

 What is... must be, inside and out...

Michael A. Singer

Michael Singer, as if talking directly to me (lol), reminds us to get out of the way of the spiritual process occurring within us.  I have been asking..."What do I do?  What do I choose?" in order to make this awakening occur faster and all I have been doing is interfering with a process that has nothing to do with "me".

I am not liking this part of my awakening.  I am afraid and I am resorting to doing what most of us do.  I am trying to control my growth. Well...ego has stepped up and is trying to control the process.  What is happening inside is between God and my Deeper Being...it has nothing to do with "me".  "Me" has to step out of the way.

How?

Michael Singer tells us Karma Yoga, is  how. 

Work, do, keep busy with all the tasks asked of you through Life.  What is showing up in front of you  that needs to be done, right now?  I look about me and see a thousand things I could be doing. Someone need your help?  Some housework need to be done?  Something need to be fixed?  Do you have a job to show up for?  Children to look after? Pets that need to be walked or cared for? When we resist doing these things for the sake of our spiritual development ...we are resisting and getting in the way of the spiritual process! (I have been doing that big time).  

Do.  Ego might chirp and complain about doing these things but don't listen to ego!! Do it anyway! If it says, "Oh my! What about my time...I have no time for "me"...that is a good thing.  That is karma yoga: to be so busy with showing up for what Life gives you now, that you have no time for "me" and its tendency to want to run after things that take you out of "now".  Be here and now with every task you do.  When we are busy doing, as we stay open and aware of presence...the purifying process continues within us.  It doesn't need us to interfere with it. Our focus outward on "meaningful" busy work stops us from interfering. 

We can add certain things to our doing practice directly related to this mission.  We can meditate every morning.  We can do yoga .  We can pray. We can study and read and learn  or whatever in a committed way every day.   The key word is "committed".   (That, I do.)  But make it a point to show up everyday even when ego says, "Oh I would rather not do that."  Don't listen to ego...stay committed to your Karma yoga.

Man, I see how I have been interfering.  I was avoiding working on the mess outside in hope of fixing the mess inside.  But I had it backwards.  Instead of sitting with the mess inside, which is beyond our ability to fix, we can let God and the Higher Self work it out while we go about doing things we have the capability of doing. 

You sweep the floor because it is better than sitting in the mess inside.

It is not about what we do but how much of us is doing it.  Put your whole being into what shows up for you to do in each moment. That, Singer tells us, is spiritual.

Hmmm!  Anyway...that is something to think about.  As much as I resist "To-Do lists" , I think I am going to come up with a doing routine...a "Getting Through This Dark Night Karma Yoga Routine". A doing list with a spiritual purpose in mind will led to committed mindful doing, not mindless doing.  Maybe things will actually get done around here  too lol.   

Yeah...I do not want to get lost in the "doing"...but I also don't want to get lost in the "being"...at least that part of "being"  that has nothing to do with "me", like this purification process.  Hmmm! 

It is all good! 

All is well in my world.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( June 25, 2023) Exploring Karma Yoga. https://tou.org/talks/

Another Question Answered

 Karma means your life is your making. Karmic accumulation can either be a boost or a burden-that is your choice.

Sadhguru

Please remember I am not answering these questions with any level of expertise. In them, I am a student, not a teacher. I am simply trying to put together what I have learned. If you are looking for expertise...seek it from others who can sincerely call themselves " Teacher"...or more importantly...seek it from the Wise Self within. 

All is well!

Wanting Something Different?

 

I do not know why it is the fate of the world always to want something different from what life gives them.

Gene Stratton-Porter 

I am glad readership is down again....my confusion during this dark night is challenging enough for this "me" to get through, let alone expect others to suffer through the reading of it. lol 

I am thinking about this idea of "healthy wanting" and if there is such a thing.

There has to be a balance, I think, between going after what we practically need as body and mind and  renouncing what we don't need as soul?  That is what is confusing for me.  I know desire and aversion are the two most basic hindrances to us getting to that deeper level of consciousness, where we really want to be whether we know it or not,  because they keep "me" active. As long as "me" is active , it is in the way of us going deeper.  At the same time...we do have bodies and the experience of "mind"living on this horizontal plane, don't we? There are certain survival needs to consider.  Singer tells us there are, however,  no psychological needs once we go deeper and understand , truly understand, nonduality.  That level of understanding requires a lot of practicing and learning and many of us won't get there before we die. A lot of our learning will come from challenge. I am okay with that . 

So on this journey there, is it not okay to lean a little towards the pleasant experiences of Life if we are given a choice...to maybe even want something different?  Sure we need to accept, allow, appreciate and honor every experience Life unfolds in front of us with as little judgement of "good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn't be," as possible but do we have to sit there and passively accept the low energy of painful situations, without "doing" anything? Can we not do, what is within our power, to improve them so there is less "external" discomfort?   Without being dependent on things to be different, or becoming attached to outcome, can we occasionally attempt to make changes to our present set of circumstances and still stay on the path?  

We are also told that there are certain external experiences that help to open us to the experience of internal joy. Yes, peace, joy, love come from within and it should not matter what situation we are facing in order to experience them but...until we are fully enlightened, Life events can really have an impact on our energy, can't they? I can attest to that! So is there anything wrong with "seeking" outer experiences that can help open us to joy? 

Say for example, in the slump many of us find ourselves in during this dark night of the soul ...is it okay to seek more external light while we wait for the internal light to burn its way through, by , for example, going on a vacation in the tropics? We know that the tropical sun is not the cause of our joy, it just helps to open us to the joy that is within. Is it okay to want and ask for relief from external challenge?   Sure we do not want to be dependent on outcomes, or whatever happens out there, but is it okay to ask for an easier ride along the horizontal plane...or at least a break every now and again? Can we ask for more , and accept and appreciate at the same time, that what unfolds  has little to do with us as these little selves?  Can we say, "Thy Will, not "my" will,  be done but if it isn't too much trouble, do you mind adding a few joy-opening external situations to help keep this energy up until I master keeping it up on my own? It is okay if you can't, but if it is not too much trouble, I would appreciate it! That is, of course, if no other being is going to be negatively impacted by my joy-opening experiences now or in the future. "  Then I would add, "If that is not in the plan...could you help me open faster so it doesn't matter what is happening outside?" 

Both Selfish petitions from an unevolved mind,  are they not? I don't know.

Never mind me as I ramble.

All is well. 

Just Don't Close!

 

Keep your heart open for as long as you can, as wide as you can, for others, and especially for yourself. 

Maurie Schwartz

I just realized something about the previous entry.  As I was sitting outside in the sun, surrounded by big beautiful trees, so much green, a blue sky and robins...so many robins singing and hunting for worms on my lawn....and as I was smiling over a memory of something silly my grandson did the day before...it came to me, "What was I saying? I am not completely closed! Far from it!" 

 I am open to appreciation when I am surrounded by  the beauty of nature .  I am open to  joy and love ...so much so when I am around my grandchildren.  I am open to excitement and enthusiasm at times.  I am open to creative inspiration or else I would not be writing this. I am not completely blocked.  There is light coming through all the time.  

My mind, however, has been focusing on that which is not pleasant and broken...on the blockages, casting a dark shadow over the light that is coming through.  Man I am not completely blocked...a lot of those old samskaras are crumbling and dissolving on their own...so more and more light can come through. I am at the point where I can "just not close!"  For some reason, when I heard that direction today ...I was seeing myself as so blocked...so closed ...no light coming through...so it did not make sense to me. Then as I was sitting "out there", experiencing "out there" because of the openings "in here"...it dawned on me..."I am not completely blocked or closed."  I never was. So yes it makes sense to not close anymore than I am closed so things can continue to come through. 

Oh the mind i a crazy, crazy thing.  Is it not? 

All is well. 

Staying Open or Not Closing?

 If you like energy and you do, then don't ever close. The more you learn to stay open, the more the energy can flow into you. You practice opening by not closing.

Michael A. Singer. 

I still have a hard time understanding the difference between staying open and not closing.  I mean, I understand that we are naturally open to that wonderful Shakti flow of love and joy and bliss ( though I have yet to experience it). And I also understand that we close to it when we resist what life gives us based on our blockages ( stored past interpretations or mental modifications which  lead to desire and aversion and that which block  this pure open field of awareness). I understand "resistance" I do and the need for "acceptance and allowance", of Life as it is... but when Singer instructs us not to worry about staying open...just don't close, I visualize the big question mark popping up in a little speech bubble above my head. It is like, "What is the difference...and how do we control such a thing? "

Open First

I mean ...the way I see it...I am already blocked...I am already closed. I have been most of my life. I am not open! I may have been born open but I am not open now! My job, then,  is to open...not to stop closing. How does one stop closing something that is already completely closed? I understand, I do, that I am not helping matters much when I resist the low hanging fruit when it shows up in my life...that I am putting more blockages on top of the blockages. Don't need anymore of those! But that doesn't seem to be the real problem for me...the problem is the deep samskaras...the real cause of the blockage. I work on the low hanging fruit but I am still closed at a deeper level. There seems to be so little light getting through from the inside.  One has to be open to close, right? I am not open...so how can I stop closing? 

I don't know.  I know I want to and intend to become open and to  be as open as I can be to Life as it unfolds in front of me and through me....whatever it is.  I don't want to resist ( close to ) any more of it...but  I am already closed.  So "Just don't close" is hard for me to follow. Better instructions, for me at least, might be "Get open and be at least partially open first and then once you are open don't close!"

Things Can open You?

And that brings me back to this, "Things can open you." I mean, I have learned the hard way about the folly of looking out there for things to make me happy and complete, I have.  I see that very clearly but when I am told that things out there can open us, I begin to question.  If I need to open first...are there things out there that I  can just use as a corkscrew kind of thing to help me open?  I mean...I know these external situations, events, things or people can't keep me open, once I am open...that will be my job but can I actively seek and use something "out there" to help me open "in here"  so I can get to that point where "Just don't close!" makes more sense to me? 

 Like what about nature and the sunset Singer described , for example.  Should we consciously choose to surround ourselves with nature? What about teachings and teachers who have opened and learned to stay open...should we consciously choose to surround ourselves with them?  What about positive and naturally open beings  like children  and certain animals? Should we consciously choose to spend more time with them?  What about adventure and  activity that speed up adrenaline flow ( and energy)? Should we be consciously partaking more in that?

 I know pleasant and unpleasant are dualistic terms that we are going to try to grow beyond but....if pleasant external situations open us, when we are completely closed, more gently than the  unpleasant do...should we not be consciously choosing those over the "negative" if we are given the opportunity?  

What to Choose?

Say for example, I have a decision to make.  I am invited to go away for a weekend by two different family members.  One family member is easy and pleasant...leading to little samskara reactivity.   I know it will be a pleasant, easy experience.  There is a good chance I will relax and therefore open a bit and let some of that happy, joy, love feeling energy to come to the surface. It may be just a bit of it we will be able to take with us but some. 

The other person is not so easy, not so pleasant ( according to mind)  and being with them leads to a lot of tension, resistance and reactivity. Though I know, in the long run, such challenges open us...there is a good chance that for the weekend I am going to be stuffing more closure over the deep closure. I am going to feel miserable. Of course, the problem is my judgement and what mind is doing but mind is doing this becasue of these deep seated blockages that are still in me. It knows how closed I am.  If I can get through this and after deep reflection on it...I may discover more of an opening. 

One experience, for whatever reason, is deemed as pleasant and softens the blockage so positive energy is released slowly in little streams and the other is deemed as unpleasant and pokes at the blockages. If we continue poking or adding extra force, they will explode open.  That constant poking will eventually release a lot of negative emotion that is sitting on top of the positive energy bringing it to the surface so it can be released...but it is going to be a challenging, difficult and painful  experience. Like stuffing sticks of DNT in the blockages. Yes, it will be effective in the long run...we want those blockages gone...but not fun!  

The pleasant experience, is not difficult but I am still opening a bit with each bit of relaxation and laughter.  The opening  is occurring more naturally. Now once, I have a lot of those pleasant external situations unfolding in front of me...a lot of sunset experiences...a lot of positive communication with others...a lot of laughing children or tail wagging pet experiences etc...some external ease to replace the challenges...I will open slowly but surely,  won't I? Then, once I am at least a quarter open,  I can worry about "not closing".  Is that how it should work? 

Right now, it feels like I am just standing here with a couple of sticks of dynamite in my hand...already lit.  I am passively accepting all life gives me without actively seeking anything more from "out there", as I wait for the big inner explosion that is going to set me free.  I do want to blow these samskaras from here to smithereens and I am ready for the pain and discomfort. I guess, I am willing to "renounce" all joy until that happens???  My realizing that nothing out there is responsible for my happiness or lack of has definitely put the ownership on me. I will and do accept what life offers as it unfolds in front of me . but does that mean I cannot seek and have experiences  out there  that open me up in a gentler way? 

Hmmm! The choice for me, I guess, isn't so much about whether I stay open or don't close, but how do I open...gently with so called "pleasant" experience or harshly with so called "negative" experience and challenge?  

This  reminds me of the horse training choices my sister has to make.  She can approach her young horse with firm, almost aggressive discipline to "break" it. It will involve something like poking at samskaras, to open it to her so it submits and follows her demands.  It will be unpleasant for both of them but eventually there will be submission.  Or she can follow another more slow but gentle  approach. She can encourage the horse to relax and enjoy her by offering pleasant experiences and rewards, so it breaks, not out of fear of consequenc, but out of love. Hmmm! She is choosing the last route. 

I mean, I do understand that once we are open our goal is to not close so the wonderful flow of Shakti can flow through us and into the world. But we do need to open first don't we, before we worry about not closing? It isn't until we are open fully that we will enjoy this external and internal Life fully, right?  So though challenge will help to open us, is it okay to also choose a more gentle way to open now and again, so we can enjoy life a little bit before we enjoy it fully? I don't know...I really don't.  I just know I wouldn't mind a bit more ease in my life.

Wow! Did I ever ramble, lol. 

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( June 23, 2023) Letting Go-Your path to Unconditional Love. https://tou.org/talks/

Thankful Heart

 The thankful heart opens us up to a multitude of blessings that continually surround us.

James E. Faust

Returned from a night away at my sister's farm where I spent time surrounded by the wonderful energy of nature and horses and sisterly connection. It was lovely and I am so grateful. 

I am not sure what to write today.  Grandson is coming in a few minutes and I am mentally and physically preparing myself for that lol. I know my age after a day with him lol.

Anyway, I will be back when this poem in my head decides to unscramble itself. :) 

All is well, exactly as it is! 

Preferring or Experiencing the Moment?

 Each experience stands alone.  It is complete amongst itself....Every single moment of life is an experience that  is complete and whole and worth living.  It is a miracle. It is an opportunity for tremendous excitement and growth. 

Michael A. Singer

Can you approach every moment of your life like that? Seeing no matter what unfolds in front of you as an exciting opportunity for growth? Imagine feeling that awe and enthusiasm  all the time and being able to say to life, "Good! Wonderful! Thank You! " and "Bring it on!" no matter what unfolds in front of you, even if it is painful. Do you at least want to put aside your preferences and your aversions so you can try to do that?

What is the alternative?  To continue living in our crazy heads,like most of us do, instead of experiencing Life as it is. Hmm! Think about it.

All is well!

Michael A. Singer / Temple of the Universe (June 19, 2023) Trading Preference for the Blessing of the Moment. https://tou.org/talks/

When Will Morning Come?

You have to grow from inside out. None can teach you. None can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul. 

Swami Vivekananda

Practicing Kriya yoga and I am really not sure what I am doing.  I want to take that "jet plane" to God...so I am studying and practicing Yogananda's written directions for Kriya. This is probably not the way to do it. One is supposedly supposed to be initiated into kriya by a guru before they practice...but I am telling myself...that in this modern world of virtual connection...the initiation doesn't have to take place in person?  It is not going to happen in person here, anyway. I could put an ad in the local paper, "Seeking, Kriya Teacher from Babaji lineage for Initiation."  I am quite sure that I would not get a response.  lol. 

I just want release already! This dark night of the soul is getting to be more than a little "old".  I hate waking up with that big knot in my gut and the heaviness in my heart...like I have been doing for weeks now.  I accept it, even if I don't like it.  We don't have to like this part, do we?  I am not asking to avoid the dark night...I am still very much committed to going forward in my mission to get to that peace that passes all understanding...but can we get there already? lol. 

At this point, there is so much samskara garbage right there at the top of me...so easily triggered by everything and anything. I am so aware of it all. It is dark and heavy. I am also looking back at my life and saying, "OMG I spent almost six decades living in a mental construct and not in reality...what a waste!" I really don't want to spend another day here, living like this, but it is going to take what it takes for me to let go of all this mental stuff and conditioning. Sigh!   It's crazy. 

Anyway, I am committed and am venturing forward. Morning will come when it comes, I guess. 

All is well. 

Going Deeper

 There is a need to go deeper, to let myself go completely, to enter into the surroundings in a real fellowship of oneness, to lift above the outer shell, out into the depths and wideness where God is the recognized center and everything  is in time with everything, and the key-note is God. 

Emily Carr 

This beautiful collection of words from Canadian artist and member of The Group of Seven, Emily Carr certainly implies that she was well on her way to self-realization, don't they? She was on a quest to go deeper. Her art spoke of this connection. She created this moving Essence through her pictures whether it be wind or light or snow.

Anyway, giving in to the  need for distraction (why can I not just sit with boredom?) I did up another very imperfect  video as I attempted to answer another question from the jar. 

All is well!

My Morning Practice

 If you stop making a mess, the mind will stop being a mess. [Or something like that]

Michael A. Singer

It is already One PM and I am just coming here to write now.  I, out of physical ( and possibly mental) fatigue slept in until 9 this morning.  Then after feeding all my pets who shot these looks of "What the fork crazy lady? You are an hour late with the food!"at me, I sat down. I could even hear my crow ( Well..he isn't mine lol but I have been feeding him and his mate for a while and he comes when I call him)...cawing loudly outside my window this morning, telling me to get my butt out there with some food.  By the time I got out there he was gone, fed up with my insolent tardiness lol.  Anyway...once all my "masters" were fed I sat down with my tea and listened to Michael A. Singer's latest podcast.  After that I practiced some Kriya yoga in hope that it will call up the Shakti energy to push away the remaining samskara junk so I can be purified sooner. ( Now, I can just imagine how that would sound to someone who doesn't truly understand yoga lol...woo-woo...but it it truly isn't. I really cannot explain it or teach it though...you have to check out someone who can, k? ) Then I did my regular meditation.  All and all, you could say I did over two hours of meditation. I also did some salutations and tried to get some steps in to get the heart pumping to help with the low heart rate and BP.  So anyway, it was all a part of my practice and I spent four hours in total on it.  If it wasn't for teh body feeling the way it does, I would not have had the opportunity to practice at this length.  So I am grateful how everything happens for a reason....it is like the universe is guiding me here. ( Too woo-woo for you? ) 

Wow!  This was my morning practice. This is what I did for me today.  Let me rephrase that...this is what I did to get rid of "me" today and reconnect with Self.  Hmmm!  

Anyway, there is so much I want to write about.  Mostly how I am actually "seeing" and "visualizing" the dissolution of "me" these days and how that feels.  (Sucky! lol) But I think all that might have to be expressed in  a poem...if at all.  This experience  may be too visual and tactile for words. I don't know.

But anyway...it is all good.  "I'll be back!" (Watched the "Arnold" Documentary last evening ).

All is well!
 

Within?

 

nor will they say, "Look , here it is!" or "There!" for behold the kingdom of God is in the midst of you.

Luke: 17: 21 ESV

Another answering of a question from the jar. Bear with me as I indulge myself in another  Self- seeking exercise.:)

All is well

The Burden of the Unhappy Self

 The burden of an unhappy self ...can be transmuted. ..Presence is arising  and is gradually dissolving the pain body in you....The pain body is fuel for presence.

Eckhart Tolle 

Hmm! Many of us carry the burden of an unhappy self, don't we? We shine the light of consciousness down on those dark parts of us...the suffering parts of us...what  Eckhart Tolle refers to as the "pain body"; we narrow the focus of the lens into that six square feet of "me" and that becomes all we see. It becomes who we think we are. 

 Sigh, got a call in the middle of the night regarding a very tormented pain body that needs transmutation, if this loved one is going to stay alive. I dropped right into the depth of Self...or tried to when I got the call. (Like I said...in this in between stage, I am not sure who Self is). I was calm, non- reactive, demanding quietly that the person relaying the news drop all the unnecessary drama and "add-ons" ( which often come in the form of the messenger's personal interpretations, past history, and their reactivity) for the "just is" of the situation.  Stripping that relayed story of the emergency down into the bare naked reality really helps.   Then I made some decisions, gave the person on the other line  directions and I waited calmly, (even getting a few winks of shut eye), for the next call, the next step.  I then got up slowly, ready to take action, breathing deeply, recognizing any tension in my body and encouraging it to relax.  I noticed and accepted that only parts of me would relax completely. I accepted that I would not know the full extent of what I would be confronting until I got there. Told myself that is okay...I am not this body and I cannot dive into some future in my mind.  I then started to get dressed. I was ready to respond.

 Just then another call came in, saying the individual was now home and safe. I calmly thanked the person.  Went back to my bed and laid down.  There was no real sense of relief or happiness in me based on the change in the external event.  There was just a calm and cool detachment.  I didn't fall to sleep right away but there was no ruminating or endless recollection  of how many of these phone calls I received over the years, a couple with fatal endings.  There was no wishing and hoping that this person would get better. There was this complete acceptance of the situation being the way it was and totally out of my hands. Sure there was pain, and sadness, some fear and grief but there was an acceptance of that too. I did eventually fall back to sleep. 

Hmm! Is that progress?  Have I gone, Michael A. Singer, from mastering  the dealing of the low hanging fruit to dealing with the more challenging stuff in an "untethered" way?  I wonder.  Heck I may stub my toe in a few minutes and find myself screaming and cursing my way through the house like a banshee on crack, anything but calm and abiding in higher Self lol. Who knows? 

This loved one has a pain body.  I still have one too...though it is transmuting, dissipating with every breath of presence I can bring into a situation.  I have to keep being present no matter what unfolds in front of me, for both our sakes. I don't always succeed but sometimes I do.  Regardless, I am committed to the practice. Someday, I will be able to shine this amazing light of consciousness ( which is who we are) away from the darker parts of self  with ease and place it on the lighter parts of Self.  Someday it might even  remain there in the  light where it belongs. This will require a wide angle lens, of course. I have a wide angle lens inside me; we all do.  We can put our attention on anything we choose! Maybe it is true that  these pain bodies, once stripped to their essence, will make great fuel for all presence to shine.  Sigh!

All is well, exactly as it is.

Eckhart Tolle (January, 2023) How to Heal Emotional Pain in 2023. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONUjdUDFi1I