Surviving

 To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Have this image of me as a survivalist on a mission to survive, and thrive in the uncharted forest of Yogananda's  "malingering malignant moods," or "the dark night of the soul".  

Alone

I am watching Alone,  a Netflix series about ten nature survivalists in this country's  borderline  artic, competing to see who is able to stick it out the longest in the harsh conditions they are encountering. They are encountering so many challenges from starvation to shelters catching on fire, from injury to loneliness.  What is needed beyond their survivalist know-how is a mental stamina, an ability to  fall back into their peaceful, calm centers no matter what happens "out there". I see many evolved beings on this program...those who have great connection and reverence for the environment and the other beings in it; those that have these non reactive mind spaces, (they seem to know how ego reaction would be detrimental to their physical survival ...they experience the emotion related to a setback and they so quickly let it go); and those that accept reality exactly as it is. I also see those who are so grateful for any tiny blessing that comes their way, whether it be a batch of berries they run across or a rabbit they are able to snare. Many feel great remorse for killing or harming anything  and express this remorse with their deep reverence and appreciation for the life they took. I also like that some speak about how being out there in the wilderness is much easier than struggling in the busy worlds they came from.  Something to be said about that. 

Surviving?

Anyway, as I am reminded of the challenges I am encountering now in this forest of "malingering malignant moods" (Mine and  those of the other beings in this forest...my present living situation)...I see myself as a survivalist. Though my circumstances are much better than those on the show,  I feel I am journeying through a dark night.  It is like I am stripped bare of all the things others seem to take for granted...moments of ease, lightness, distractions in the form of  fun and excitement, hope, a bit of abundance, happiness, laughter, entertainment, joy....as well as old tendencies and defenses I once used to get by with. ) My mission is merely to survive this because I know there is a great award waiting if I do...freedom from suffering. 

The Challenge

Like all the other 8 billion contestants,  I was plopped down on a specific  area on this globe for reasons I do not understand, an area with its own set of circumstances to endure,  and it is my job to make the best of where I landed and what I am given  in terms of both bounty and challenge.I am met with so many challenges in a day...many  minor, many not. I feel myself as "me" starving and wasting away as I get through everyday, (which is a good thing...we want to shed the excess weight  of"me" ... so the deeper Self can be experienced, right?). I continue to build and maintain my shelter ( my practice) amidst the harsh conditions ( a busy world that doesn't want to let me practice, it seems...so much other things to do just to get by) . Though I know it is an inner game, I hunt for any bit of light and blessing and peace and love  I can find "out there" to supplement teh growth occurring internally,  but the land seems barren, offering only tiny bits of what I am looking for. I am so appreciative, down on my knees appreciative, when I find these blessings to consume,  or when there is even a short reprieve from having to deal with the many challenges.  I feel great appreciation when  I find even a glimpse of what I am looking for but have to struggle to stay in my center when I don't. I am constantly dealing with the shelter issues, the food issues, my own body's demand for more, wild things I cannot control, the weather etc.  It seems that if things can go wrong, they go wrong again and again and again.  It is exhausting to have to deal with one thing after another all the time . On top of that I have to deal with a line of  suffering others who show up at my door. I want to feed and provide shelter for them,  but  for  reasons beyond what I can understand or control, they fight me. At the same time, I am weak and starving, barely getting by with so little resources to share but I give what I have to others before I feed myself.  That is not a true survivalist technique. Am I failing?

Failing?

 I feel like I am running out of the energy to deal with all this. I feel very much alone, yet I can't be alone.  I want to give up. The sky  is constantly dark and cloudy overhead and I tell myself if I could just experience  a bit of sun, just a bit more than what I am experiencing, it would motivate me more to keep going. Not finding the sun "out there"...I try to find it in my heart. Aditya Hridayam punyam sarv shatru bena shenam. 

Internal Reserves Versus External Challenge

I am constantly trying to build up  internal reserves. I fear, however, that the external demands out weigh my internal reserves at this point. It is tough. Yet, I am determined not to tap out! I tell myself I just have to hang on and muster through this dark night. God doesn't give us more than we can handle. If I keep practicing, it will get better inside me soon so it won't matter what happens out there. Sigh!

Be Prepared for the Moments of Weakness

That sounds so depressing, doesn't it? Not my intention to depress but to express what it feels like to be where I am at this part of the journey. I want to prepare you for what might happen as you progress on this journey. Just like the contestants report how after all the warnings they got about what it would be like out there before they took on the challenge,   no one ever told them about the "weakness" they would experience. It came as a shock to them.  There is a weakness we may experience as we make our way through the dark night of the soul.  It is best to be prepared for it when it comes so it doesn't overwhelm you.  I was a bit overwhelmed at first but am getting used to it now. :) 

From Striving to Thriving

So I keep going. I am surviving.  Soon, I am confident, I will be able to say I am thriving.

All is well.