What is given to us in this life time doesn't matter as much as what we do with it.
Jack Kornfield
I always wonder if I am doing enough with all these challenging circumstances Life has handed me. I wonder if I am doing it "right" in terms of the eight fold path. I really I wondered that, through an experience I had a few evenings ago, even though rationally I know I cannot fix other people or change their destiny. I can support and encourage and be present but I cannot change anyone. I know the only person I can control and work on is me. Working on me is all about letting go of "me" and its desire for things to be different than they are. I offer my best to the other when I am not in ego reactivity mode.
I keep hitting this situation with this one individual where it is never enough or never "right" in the way I support and give in their time of need. ...according to them. Of course, it is true. I am making oodles of mistakes, even judging and reacting some but I do not, no matter how much I reflect, see my reaction in the way they say it is. They spend so much time and energy, when they are at the point of their emotional nose dive, trying to convince me, themself and anyone else who will listen about how unsupportive, judgemental, defensive and uncaring I am being. When they are calm and have let go of the grievances held against me for how "poorly I supported them in the time of need"...I couldn't be more loving...again, according to them.
So anyway...I do not pray for Life to give me something different in this relationship challenge it has offered me. I don't pray that Life make this easier on "me" ( well, at least not often lol). Who is "me"? I do pray for the other person's recovery whole heartedly and I pray to stay open as much as possible as they progress on their journey ...to do "right" with this.
It is challenging for this person that I am, who still many times gets distracted by my own stored mind stuff, these feelings inside "me", and with what Life seems to be unfolding in front of me to stay open. It is challenging not to feel these attacks and challenges as "personal". Still I try to depersonalize it...to experience what is happening, not as egoic "me" but as deeper Self. Individuals, still in the height of ego identificaton...so distracted by the mess in their own heads that they identify with it and can not see anything or anyone else, don't like when I attempt ( albeit imperfectly and often unsuccessfully) to put away my own ego. Every attempt I make to fall back away from the drama of the situation and into the seat of the Witness so I can stay clear, calm and loving enough to handle it, is seen as a shutting down and coldness by a certain other.
"You are shutting down!" is the observed complaint. It is true. I need to detach somewhat so I do not react. It wouldn't be possible to stay in those volatile situations if I didn't...but "I am" there, so I assume, in the best way a person could be there. "Me" may be shut off to some degree but the Wiser part of me is there. They don't want the "Deeper I" at that time...though...they want my ego encouraging the melodrama. They want an ego to ego interaction. My lack of reactivity is seen as coldness. Hmm!
Upon listening deeply, I understand the pain, the emotions and the thought process of this individual. I do. I see the pain. I don't, however, obviously understand the behaviour of this person and the choices they make which they stress are a part of who they are and that others should just be okay with them. Anyone who doesn't sit with them as a target while they are more or less being what would be described as "abusive" is "abandoning them in the moment of pain". Anyone who doesn't whole heartedly empathize or agree with their version of reality , is "judging" them. When one attempts to add a different perspective to their expressed reality or at least make them aware that that is not what we are thinking as they accuse us of feeling a certain way...we again are not validating, judging, not accepting them for who they are. When one kindly and calmly creates physical distance during the volatile episodes, one is accused of being responsible for making the emotions spiral even more out of control and for any physical harm done to this person or other ( usually property) during the explosive emotional outbursts. There is absolutely no accountability, no responsibility at the time because they honestly believe "I can't help it. I can't control my emotions so I can't control my behaviour. It is who I am and you should just accept me and everything I do because of it. I am in pain. Can't you see, I am in pain. You have to help me. Give me what I need. If you don't give me what I need...if you don't validate my pain in the exact way I need you to...the pain will get worse. I will have no choice then but to "do" something that will hurt me or property. " They honestly believe that.
The expression of this belief is so convincing, that if one on the other side of these interactions is not absolutely careful, they will come to believe they are responsible for any harm the individual inflicts on self and property. That they are responsible for the pain spiral, for the person's emotional well being, for their life. It is very easy to get distracted by and drawn into this ego identification of the person expressing pain in this way.
It is so true...the pain is real!! The intensity of the emotion... the quick escalation of it...is so real. It must be terrifying for the person experiencing it. It kills me to see this beautiful vibrant person be consumed by this pain when it is triggered. Yet , I seem to see beyond teh pain. I believe from observation, this monster inside them is also being internally and unknowingly fed by the person as they are escalating. As I have been sitting through these experiences attempting to use my intellectual mind, rather than my personal mind (yes...when personal mind comes in there is judgement and defensiveness on my part), to observe where the feeding hand is coming from. Where is that obscure line between the trigger and the emergence of the pain experience, between the pain at say four on the scale to the pain that is reported to be well over ten, and between the ability to control and the lack of? I am trying to decipher what the person has control of during these experience and what they don't. I intuitively believe there is an element of control that the person is refusing to explore. That distinction seems so crucial. This believing "I have no control over this" is creating more problems than necessary. I want them to see there is an element of control but accepting that, may mean taking responsibility and accountability for past actions which would open up a pandora's box of guilt and shame giving them even more pain to deal with. It would also, however, be the key to healing. I want this person to recognize that this "disorder", this "illness" is not who they are...it is just something they have. Though it causes a great deal of pain, it does not have to cost them their life. The resistance of pain is obvious a big issue here.
Oh wow! See what I am doing here? I am "wanting" something for another person...(not only for them but for me as well. I do feel better when they are not having pain episodes. I do. I feel "relief". It makes my so called life easier.) But I cannot fix this other person. How dare I think I can. It has nothing to do with "me". ( And again, who is "me"?) Their life, their journey...not mine. They are where they are and my job is to simply love them where they are. Right now our relationship is challenging but this challenge can help me to grow . I can continue to work on "me"...the only thing that will really matter in the long run...so I stay open, accepting, present and loving with this person and all persons in my life.
More importantly, however, I see how my wanting is taking me away from accepting what is right now. Right now what I think and perceive and yes still "judge" about this other person's experience means absolutely nothing in the big scheme of things. It is "statistically insignificant" . My worry and concern over my well being as I relate...." statistically insignificant." My worry and concern over their well being..."statistically insignificant" . Our relationship....statistically insignificant. Our life spans on this planet that has been going on for 4.5 billion years...statistically insignificant.
So this relationship challenge, this observation of pain in another, is what Life has given "me". It isn't important. What is important is what I do with it. What do I do with it? I keep working on going deeper, staying deeper, staying in my calm center refusing to get disturbed by any of it. Maybe, just maybe, if I can stay there...suffering others around me will learn to find that calm center within themselves.
All is well.
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( July 6, 2023) Letting Go-The Path from Distraction to Liberation. https://tou.org/talks/
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