Everything is beautiful until you tell yourself it isn't.
Michael A. Singer
Hmm! I know that to be true but things don't seem so beautiful to me right now. I have been reflecting on how forking hard "my life" has been. This descended on me like a big dark cloud this morning. I intended to come out here at 530 to begin my daily practice, my sadhana, but I never slept well last night, so I pressed the "dismiss" instead of the "snooze" when the alarm went off. I lay there but instead of going back to restful sleep ...I became overwhelmed with this thought: "Man ...it has just been so hard....from childhood until now...boom, boom, boom...one extreme challenge after another. And it looks like there is more ahead. I am just so tired of it all and I do not know how much more my body and mind will take." I was not feeling sorry for myself ...just facing this reality and it was that awareness that got me out of bed an hour late ...but still early enough for practice. I knew I needed my practice.
So I dragged myself out to the kitchen...fed the crows who have been at me since the alarm went off to feed them, and the cats were circling my feet so I took care of them. Then I made a cup of tea and sat in my spot. I did a bit of praying... in honor of all those who walked before me on this path. I asked for a bit of guidance and support in my practice and I half meditated, while I drank my tea, to the "Ahh" meditation from Wayne Dyer...skipped right to the affirmations part. After a few deep beautiful breaths I listened to Michael A. Singer's podcast...jotting down a few words as I did so. Now here I am. This is not how I planned to practice. Seems half ass but it was this.
Anyway this reflection on how challenging my life has been is an important one and an important part of this practice. It is like a labelled storage container, a trunk, in which so many samskaras are packed was placed outside my proverbial meditation cave. When this thought comes up all the neatly packed samskaras come up to the surface waiting for me to open this container and set them free. So much could be released simply by accepting that it has been so forking difficult. It could be a major step in purification. And I do want to be purified. It isn't however giving me the "beautiful" vibe lol.
Now I know I am the one that packed this trunk! I created much of my own suffering with my resistance to what is...I see what my mind has done very clearly in its desire to help me "cope"over the years...but the challenges Life handed me were quite extraordinary for one human to deal with. This "me" needed to escape some of it. I have to cut myself some slack for using my defense mechanisms the way I did. It was forking hard and it still is. I am physically and mentally wore out! Do I have the energy to open that blasted trunk?
I know there is a valid reason for everything that happens. Life gave me this trunk of experiences for a reason. I don't know what the reason was other than all that ever was is creating what is. It isn't personal but if I brought it down to the level of "my" soul, I can assume that if soul came down here to evolve it must have needed this crap I dealt with (or didn't deal with) to do just that. It must have had some karma or something to work out ( still feel a bit like I am being punished. Like I might have been responsible for some serious crap cuz I obviously had a lot to work out) . Regardless, I want to put my soul's need first!! I do. So I accept, even if this mind of mine doesn't understand, what is, was and will be!
If she [Life] brings something to you...you dance with it.
I want to be able to embrace this trunk, love and honor it and everything inside it. I do. I may not be able to dance with it because it is too heavy lol but I can open it and explore what is inside as I let it all go. It won't be easy...heck it isn't easy now...but maybe even pain of purification can be beautiful. I just have to stop telling myself it isn't!
Be willing to go through pain...pain is purification...
All is well.
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( July 4, 2023) Live to Protect or Live to Be. https://tou.org/talks/
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