Fleeting Thoughts

Thus you should think of this fleeting world: A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream; a flash of lightening in a summer cloud, a flickering lamp, a phantom and a dream.

From the Diamond Sutra, page 238

To start with a thought from my head or one from someone else's, is the question I often ask myself  when I plop myself down here.  Do I write down  a quote I came across today that resonates in me  and write to that...or do I write and then find a quote that applies to what I have written? 

Thought First.

I have been pondering , once again, this idea of non-self that I am struggling to experience directly and at the same time I am pondering the impact challenging life situations  have on any idea of "self" we might have.  Why does it feel so personal when things are challenging? Why does it feel like this "me" is being attacked? Is it Karma or curse that  this "little me", I am obviously still too identified with,  is experiencing? Do we really have to deal with all that crap head on? 

 I was also seeing today how sometimes, after all my practice, I am still running from what I judge as "unpleasant" into "pleasant seeking", even if it is only done through fantasy.  I still catch myself thinking and dreaming about some rescue from these situations, from the moment, instead of just accepting them and all they offer. I recently  found myself in a mental state of worry and fear once again when I realized that I will be  without the small income I was earning caring for someone at a time that I am also in  even more debt: new roof and new grandbabies to help support. The knot in my belly began to twist and turn. I resisted that feeling and ran off into a fanatsy of desire. I found myself imagining selling something I wrote, or finding a job that met my creative needs and allowed me to  earn a decent living. I  even viusalized getting to the point I was free of debt. I wondered what that would feel like not having to worry about money, having that knot in my belly untangled.  I imagined all my efforting here finally having a fruitful outcome that stripped me of worrying about paying the bills and keeping the house.  I was a succesful writer, teacher, speaker.  I found myself living in a fantasy in my head and it was lovely. I was desiring big time. While my exaggerated version of reality seemed unpleasant, (I was a seperate "little me" cursed with bad luck or karma, poor and broke and destined to be that way for the rest of my life) , this desiring was very pleasant. I kind of clung with white knuckles to the door frame of that fantsay when the wise Self called me back to my moment. I didn't want to go back. But  I have evolved enough to know that this desiring will not end my suffering.  It just distracts me from it.  So I came back to here and now. The only way out is through, right?  

Sigh... 

So I want to talk about all of that. You ready? 

I guess we could begin by addressing the understanding that thoughts have no reality or permenance.

The Impermenance of Thought

When a rainbow appears we see many beautiful colours-yet a rainbow is not something we can clothes ourselves with, or wear as an ornament: it simply appears through the conjunctions of various conditions. Thoughts arise in the  mind in just the same way. They have no tangible reality or existence at all. There is therefore no logical reason why thoughts should have so much power over us...Dilgo Khyenste Rinpoche, page 237-238

 My thought that I am "poor" and will be for the rest of my life is empty, lacking in sustenance and solidity.  The thoughts that my life will be so much better than it is now when I become successful and get  paid for what I love to do...is also empty, lacking in any tangible thing to hold onto. The thought of "me" as a seperate little entity, cursed with bad karma is empty of existence, as well.  The future "when" in my fantasy...pfff...nothing but smoke futuily trying to hide the only time there is...now. Even the thought of an "I"...of  a "me" has no power unless I give it power.  . I give my thoughts power when I follow them, when I allow the mind  to trap me and decieve me.  

My fantasy was a collecion of thoughts ...a movie was being played in my mind and I was so enthralled by that movie that for a while I didn't notice I was thinking.  Then I began to realize I was thinking.  The more practice I do...the more frequently and the more quickly I begin to recognize that  I am being carried off by the mind. At first I resisted coming back down to reality.  When  I was ready...this collection of thoughts evaporated away as if they were bubbles on a stream. Once I was back in my breath, my body, my moment  I could examine my thoughts more clearly.  I could see that the thought that led to my fantasy: of there being a seperate little entity being punished by the universe was very fleeting...it arose and left ...By the time I was back in my moment it had changed and morphed into the thought "Hey...sometimes Life is difficult.  It has nothing to do with me." 

The circumstances of my life lack longevity as well and they are the conditions that help to form thoughts.  They, like the thoughts the mind creates in reaction to them,  come and they go.  Right now I am broke, a week ago I had enough to pay the mortgage, next week I will have more or less than I have now. Always changing...arising and dissolving with  nothing solid to hold onto...are the happenings of our lives. And our thoughts , in reaction to these happenings, do the same. 

So that can take us back to understanding non-self.

Non-Self

When we examine and see the impermenance of thought, we see the impermenance of self.

There is nothing personal about Life because there is nothing personal period. 

When one perceives impermanence, the perceptions of non-self is stabilized.  One who percieves non-self eradicates the conceit "I am".  The Buddha, page 238

This notion of little me we have is constantly changing, is it not?  It is a thought or concept and like all thoughts it will come and go. Just like our thoughts constantly change, just like our circumsatnces and all phenomena  change ...this little me is not permanent. 

So there is nothing being done to me.  Because there is no "me" and there is nothing solid in that thing we think is happening to us. That brings me to the next thing to discover...how the fantasy doesn't save us.

No Future Salvation

Desire itself is impermanent. It doesn't have to be gratified before it leaves us.  My fantasy did disappear as quickly as it arose, without it having to come true first and by noting when it disappeared I was able to see the impermenant nature of desire itself. Thinking that desire is something that can remove us from the unpleasant is just a trick of the mind.  Desire itself will not last. 

Hmm!  I am not sure if this reflecting did anything for you, but it cleared up some things for me.

All is well! 

Jospeh Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Stuck on the Relative Level of Self

On the relative level, we live and act and relate as individuals with one another, with all our personal stories and histories.  On the ultimate level, there's no self, no "I", no one there at all.

Joseph Goldstein, page 74 Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True. 

 One of the  lessons I have the hardest time  actualizing in Buddhist teachings is the idea of non-self.  I can get that most of the things we grab for in the world of form are unsatisfyng and that everything is impermenant but when it comes to this idea that nothing is personally happening to me...I struggle.  I can intellectually understand that concept  but I have a hard time directly experiencing it. It is like "I know it" but "I don't feel it." Especially when things seem to go wrong in numbers! 

I have had a challenging weekend...waiting on one grandbaby I was expecting to come ( turned out to be a false alarm) so I could run to look after my son's daughter; worried about the family and  the man I was caring for and sadly we lost him; and last night my daughter called me at 2 am...she was beginning an early labour at 33 weeks. Again, with COVID restrictions, all I could do is advise, suppport and offer presence from a distance via text.  Sigh! They were able to stop the labour with meds and are in the process of strengthening baby's lungs with cortisone injections into Mom. The goal is to get her to 35 weeks. But it is all up to baby. 

Maybe it is just the sleep dep and the pain that seems to get worse with stress and sleep dep...but man, it feels so darned personal. Even when the "little me" is nothing but a bystander in all these things. 

I know that what happened has nothing to do with "me"...whatever this "me" is.   Life isn't attacking me ...selecting my form and mind as a target for "bad" things.  And really there is no such thing as "bad" without judgements  from this "little me" which is really nothing but a concept. Yet I find myself lost in this sense of personal attack, personal challenge, a "me-me" inflicted with suffering, yet again when I observe the suffering of others. There is very much a "self" that I am experiencing whether it is a delusion or not. 

I will work on moving from the relative to the ultimate level.  In the mean time... Please pray, meditate, or send healing intentions their way, will ya? 

All is well! 

Testing the Desire to Write Here

 When we don't recognize when desire is present, we're simply lost in its distorting energy; when we are aware of it, it becomes part of the path of awakening.

Joseph Goldstein page 125

I had stepped away from my blogging for a couple of days this week.  Wanted to make sure I was not too attached to it or anything that I do on a regular basis. So on Tuesday, I told myself , "Nope!  Not going to write today! And maybe not for the rest of the week. "   

I felt a few pangs of desire but I held back on gratifying this hindrance.  (Can you tell I am reading Joseph Goldstein's Mindfulness: a Practical Guide to Awakening?).  I want a "luminous mind"..."free of desire , which is the basis for delight, joy, traquility, happiness, concentration, and insight." pg 125

I don't want my passion for writing to get in the way of my need for peace.  If that makes sense.  So every now and again I will just not show up here.  Until I can ascern if my motivation to come here is a hindrance to my waking up,  a "desire to do" that leads to clinging or , hopefully, a wholesome and skilful way to be... I will test myself by refraining from writing on occasion.

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

Living Wisely

 Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.

The Buddha

A bit sad and shocked this morning. I was ancy all week thinking about this person whom I was helping with some of their care since May. This week, I could both observe and sense something was happening.  I knew he was failing as expected from his condition.  On Monday, I was planning on sitting down with the family and a nurse from the health care agency he was admitted under  in order to  come up with a care plan for the "when it is time" sort of thing. I thought we had time to make  these plans and prepare  when I left him and his wife on Thursday. 

But Life had other plans. He left this world 24 hours after my last visit. The "happening" progressed quickly and he died at home while the ambulance was about to transfer him....  He left his body as he had wished. The family only had to witness a portion of the suffering that could have been, the suffering I was expecting and was trying to help manage and diminish.  So I do call that a sweet blessing. 

Still...my heart swells with sadness...for the family and  for myself ( I will miss him and our visits). 

It made me think once again about the fragility of this Life we cling to.  It isn't anything "solid" that we can wrap our hands around. When the time comes, no matter how hard we are holding on, we cannot stop this transition from taking place. We have to let go when it is time to let go...whether we are willing to or not.  It isn't predictable either...we cannot set the time , place, and how of this inevitable passing when it is done naturally.  Life decides when it will be breathed in and when it will be breathed out.

Ironically, as I was awaiting the news of his passing I was also awaiting a call about a new beginning.  My son is expecting his second baby and I am on call to go look after my granddaughter while Mom and Dad are in the hospital bringing new life into the world. Mom was having contractions yesterday. So I waited with phone in hand all evening with the accumulation of this ancy gut feeling I was gathering all week twisting and twirling inside me. I found myself  wondering what it would be...birth or death...that I would hear of first.  It was what we call "death" that was brought to my attention. 

But what is death?  Is it really  the terminal ending our culture seems to  refer to in hush hush voices as we hide it away from our conscious awareness...or is it more?  Is it less? 

Is it not  simply a passing on of one way of being ( encased in flesh and mind) to another freer way of being? How free the essence of who we really are must be without the dense heaviness of body, and the frustrating 'craziness' of the mind to deal with.  

I see this person who has passed as "free". Life was breathed into the him we knew by his name, body, personality, thoughts and beliefs and when it expressed itself fully, through that incarnation with all its achievements and all its failures, all its blessings and all its struggles, all its joys and all its sorrows...it breathed itself out. Hmm! His "life" was all that existed from the first breath he breathed in and the last breath he breathed out but Life is so much more. 

Of course, his physical absence will be missed.  That is what we grieve but how can we grieve for his liberation? 

And to think it is possible to achieve this liberation while we are still encased in flesh and mind. We do not need to wait until our last breath in human form to be free.   Wow!  

So between the first  breath in and the first breath out...let's put away our fear of dying and fill that beautiful pause  we call living with wisdom, compassion and love.

Hmmm! Something to think about.

All is well. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

 Happy Thanksgiving to all those who are celebrating gratefulness today.  I do not want to celebrate  nor do I wish to undermine   the  history of this day . Truth is too many suffered so that the settlers to this continent could have the abundance they were giving thanks for...thus transforming this day into somewhat of an unconscious holiday for their future generations.   Maybe we can get beyond that traditional significance  and transform the motivation for this day into one where we celebrate  gratitude for everyone and everything with equanimity  rather than history. 

Just saying! 

All is well! 

Recycling old pics again...my bad

Back and Forth in Seeing Clearly

 When you see only problems, you are not seeing clearly.

Phil Knight 

An Unrelated Question

I start by asking a technical question related to blogging that is totally unrelated to today's topic.  

Who and what is "other" on the stats page? The majority of  readers are under that designation of "other" and I see they are listed as coming from the United States.  But what does it mean?  Is it just a way that readers protect their anonymity?  Why does it leave me just a bit uncomfortable especially when I see on "other" days the "Lessons"  I did in 2018 are what is being read? 

Have no idea who these readers are and why I feel that gut thing.  I just do. I am, at the same time, grateful for the readership because it helps to inspire me to write. And that is what I am here to do. 

Going Back and Forth

Anyway...want to get back to yesterday's discussion on the going back and forth from habit mind to this new way of seeing clearly that I referred to yesterday as being guided by Grace. 

Friday morning, I sat down to write to someone I have been talking to about my living situation and the need for change.  When I wrote her, I was writing from a place of grace directed clarity.  I was looking at my situation from peaceful eyes and noting that "any suffering" I may have experienced related to this situation, had little or nothing to do with the people, events and happenings but with my creating story around them. I explained how  I was noticing that on some days everything "bothers" me and on others, the very same situations , or things that could be deemed as even "worse" by most others, did not bother me at all, concluding that my mind was the common denominator.  When my mind was operating from old habits and conditioning...I was bothered.  When it was operating from a higher level of awareness I was not.  I was explaining that the most important thing in my life right now is to learn to stay in this peaceful, clear perspective when I look around me...to not be consumed by thoughts about others, myself and circumstance that can quickly pull me into judgement, narrative, and a rationalization about why I should be upset. I want to detach to some degree and remain undisturbed regardless of what Life offers me...and I wrote how I was learning to do that even in this challenging living arrangement I have going on. While I was writing her I was experiencing peace, a soothing sense of detachment and a decreased need for "urgent change" even though the situation was far from pleasant or what would be deemed as "a healthy environment" by most mental health professionals. I could see so clearly how my mind was the culprit in any sense of suffering I might have, not the circumstances. It was very profound.

I walked away from my writing feeling a renewed committment to my mission to wake up, to place compassion, loving kindness and selfless service at the top of my priority list.  I decided to offer a physical service to another in need and was  looking forward to moving my body and mind as one unit in this endeavour.  It turned out to be a bigger and more challenging job than I expected.  Lovely while I was doing it.  I staid very mndful but it did  physically exhaust me. When I left that job to return to this situation I have going on here, with a few very obvious triggers brought to my attention, I suddenly found myself less peaceful. I was vulnerable to habit mind and somehow decided to follow it into its tale of "this shouldn't be" .  Just like that the ticker started acting up...the pelvic and abdominal pain came back with a venegance... and I guess, I fell from grace.  I was reactive to other people's unconsciousness...very reactive.  I was angry at myself...knowing , once again, that change had to be made. Realizing that change was not going to come with my simply saying, "Change has to be made now!"  I knew I  had to step up my level of assertiveness ten fold  which in those moments I did not have the energy to do. So I fell back into old patterns of resenting, resisting being repulsed, and beating myself up for these changes not being made.  I got swept up by the drama and story of this situation.  Once again, I became a "victim"  to others, circumstance and Life again. It happened so fast.

After a very rough night with the physical pain and overactive problem mind, I woke up cranky and so lost in this story. It was awful. And to top it all off we arranged to have the roof done that day because it was not going to handle another rain. (I had to borrow though I didn't want to and I have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay it back.) This added to my sense of victim in a problematic world mind.  I was not seeing clearly. I was angry and blaming others and Life for putting me in this situation. I was feeling absolutely miserable physically...exhausted, sick to my stomach, in pain.  Yuck!  I was setting myself up for a day of being on the couch. My mind was telling me that is all I could do and I was obeying.

The Question

As they were clammering above my head and I could see through the windows  the old tile coming down...I remembered what I learned about  the disquise Sloth and Torpor often arrive in. And I found myself asking, "Will curling up with this negativity help you in the long run? Maybe you should just try to do something other than this." I got up, got dressed and went outside to at least supervise if not assist.  I found myself  picking up a few of the old roof tiles and putting them in the bin...the next thing I knew I was lugging and tugging loads of the same.  I found myself bending down and putting all my energy into the simple process of taking old tiles from one place to another...back and forth, back and forth.  I was not attached to any outcome.  I was so in the moment. I was helping, moving my body, doing something productive and soothing at the same time. My depleted energy, instead of becoming more depleted, returned... my pain, though still there, was manageable.  I felt better.  I started working with the very people who I was resentful of only hours before...feeling kind and compassionate. My heart was open. I was truly enjoying this process.  I was calm and peaceful though active.  I found myself, once again, experiencing grace. Why?

I had stopped thinking, was removed and detached from this story I had. When I got out of my head I naturally stopped judging others...and though I could see their unconsciousness...I was no longer judging it or them for it. Everything natually without any effort from me fell into a state of Grace. 

The Moral

Once again I was reminded that when we experience suffering..Life is not the problem...mind is. We can all achieve grace without doing anything but being willing to step away from the stories we created in our minds about it. Sure we may slip back into   habit mind from time to time ...we may continue to go back and forth many times before we awaken fully but the most important thing is  that we keep making our way  back to peace everytime we realize we have slipped back into old habits. 

Life is so much easier and more peaceful when we see clearly. 

All is well! 

Grace or Confusion?

Spirit is in a state of grace forever. Your reality is only spirit. Therefore you are in a state of grace forever.-  ACIM

ACIM

I strongly feel to the point of "knowing conceptually "this point of truth  that we are all in a state of grace forever...but right now I just don't experience that grace directly. 

Confused

Sigh! ( and that is a pathetic sigh).  I am so confused.

I often write about being caught between dream state and a full waking up...between ego and this version of being I want to give the world...between gratifying "little me's" needs and those of the greater Self....between doing and being.  I am in an in-between state of  knowing grace conceptually and knowing grace directly. Knowing grace directly brings peace.

I also know in my heart that the source of all man's suffering is not life circumstance but our reaction to it. ...what the mind does. I truly, truly see that now...this is the beginning of grace. 

When we truly experience grace...we experience the serenity of simply allowing things to be.  We remain calm and undisturbed in the face of adversity.  We deal with the unconsious behaviour of others without getting all reactive. We stop blaming, judging, being repulsed by or angry over what others do or where they are at in their own process of waking up to grace. Other people cannot disturb our peace or add to it. We are okay with the impermanence of things and understand suffering better. We stop getting caught up in our stories and self made identities and see the deeper connection. We look out at the world with a calm, open, somewhat detached  and clear perspective. This is the wisest way to live. 

I know that!  I want to experience that knowing directly  more than anything! So I study, read, watch, listen and learn.  I practice and I pratice...and I am making my way there...I am waking up but I am still in the confused state of waking up...not sure what is real, wondering if I am still dreaming...half wanting to jump out of bed and at the same time wanting to close my eyes and go back to sleep because it is easier. 

Going Bak and Forth

When I deal with challenges like my present living situation...I see myself going back and forth between dealing with it calmly and peacefully and dealing with it reactively. I do  want to deal with this calmly, clearly, compassionately as I would if Grace was in charge.  But I often deal with it with my old, reactive habit mind.  

I find myself, angry, fearful, judging, repulsed, wanting to run away  and push away in regards to my present living situation. As a result of being occassionally onsumed by these twisted mind patterns my body is following suit. I am physically ill...this pelvic pain is now accompanied by abdominal pain, affecting my ability to eat (ulcer?).  I spend hours bent over every evening.  Some days are worse than others.  My heart is also responding to stress the way it does.  I am finding it very challenging to do anything physical.  I am so exhausted and my ability to assert myself has greatly diminished. This is where the challenge and confusion comes in.

Those whom I live with seem to believe as long  as I am not  saying "This has to change Now!", all is good.  So though I have and had many, many  sit down conversations about the need for this change, a stronger and more committed type of assertion is needed before change will happen.  And I don't seem to  havethat level of aggression and force in me. 

There is this intense feeling of guilt that arises with that. I tend to self deprecate because I see my not being able to be as assertive as needed here to make change as being an injustice not only  to myself (whoever or whatever that is)  but  to this person because it is enabling.  Yet when I am sometimes assertive in response to getting my needs met and when I confront the other's behaviours I feel guilty for reacting, for judging, for not being able to see beyond the unconscious behaviour, for not being compassionate enough and for not following through with my practice of selfless service.  When I see others taking advantage of my committment to "selfless service"  I get angry...then I feel guilty for being angry.  

How can I  get lost in aversion because others are seemingly taking advanatage of what I assume is "mine"  when there is no "me, mine or self"?  So I pull back into silence.  I try to detach.  I find space between me and them. And suddenly I feel grace.  I feel peace.

Until.... 

I feel peaceful, centered, in the arms of grace...until I am made aware once again that my needs, others needs and rights are not being considered.  Until I realise that this place is not being used as a place to heal but a place to hide while the need for instant gratification is fed regardless of  who might get hurt, until I am reminded that  I or others are enabling this  unwholesome energy. ...or until I reach into the fridge to find the last two drops of milk I asked to have saved for my tea is gone. :)

It is a very confusing time and when it comes to dealing with challenging situations like my living situation and the people involved I go back and forth from dealing with it from a higher perspective and dealing with it from a lower. 

Sigh! 

Why do we get  so confused between these states of being...on our way to grace?

I  wrote this back in February 2018. 

So here I am free falling into what I hope ( but do not know ) will be grace. I have no knowledge.  I have no perception of stable ground beneath me. I have no identity.  It's bloody scary!


 I am afraid of the landing even though I actively sought it.  So what do I do instinct wise- I grab onto ego thoughts and ideas, names and identities...anything that will break my fall. Yet, I am aware enough to know that if I grab onto anything I will go nowhere.  I will remain stuck.  I also know (or think I know because of my understanding of science lol)  that the softest landing is  one where I do not tense up and resist the impact.  So I feel like a mess because I am trying to cling, trying to let go.  I am trying to fall gently into grace and at the same time I am tensing up and resisting the fall.

That is where I am right now in my awakening. Not near the  grace I long for but getting there.  At this point I have this inner feeling that I do not need to do anything but continue falling. It is ego that tells me I have to grab, cling, fix this moment of free fall.  It is spirit that tells me to just lay back in the space and let the moment be.  Grace  already has her strong protective arms around me.  I am safe.  I was always safe even though I know nothing.

Maybe it is all grace...this confusion, this reaction, what my life situation offers me in the form of a learning lesson.  Maybe it is natural and okay to find ourselves reacting a bit ...clinging to some old mind habits...when we begin to wake up and free fall into grace. 

When I am confused over my dilemna...when I know in order to make changes I need to be more assertive but feel confused and guilty about doing so...I need to remember this quote I published in August.  I don't know if it helps or not?  

Embrace that you sometimes must use aggression and force to get others to back off if they have felt entitled to your energy, time and resources. Accept that this does not make someone like you narcissitic, irresponsible or entitled, but expresses your self love and dignity.

Doug Noll

Not Knowing

I have a hard time with "aggression and force" but maybe being strongly assertive is a part of my practice...I really do not know...I really do not know anything and that is another reason why waking up is so darned confusing.  All those things, ideas, and ways of doing we once were so convinced were  the only way to approach others, circumstances and  life with  crumble  into pieces and we realize we really do not know anything about anything.  That is a strange feeling...

It is then , I suppose , we must remind ourselves...that regardless of what seems to be happening around us, ergardles of how onfused we may feel in this waking up... we are  in a state of grace forever.   Grace will take us there. 

All is well! 

The inevitable is

 

It Just Is

It is...

it just is.

Maybe it won't last.

Maybe it will slip away tomorrow

or in the next moment...

maybe it will be gone before

you can exhale completely...

or maybe it will be the way

it is

until you discard your body

like  you drop a dirty and wrinkled outfit

before crawling into bed.

It is,

it just is.

Maybe you can change it, 

fix it,

make it better or 

at least, more pleasant

 for the next moment

or maybe you cannot.

Regardless...

it is,

as it is,

in this moment.

It just is. 

It is inevitable

as it is

right here,

right now. 

So take a deep breath

and accept 

the inevitability 

of it is...

© Dale-Lyn, October, 2021

A Sigh

 

God is an unutterable sigh, planted in the depths of the  soul.

Jean Paul

I want to let out a big sigh here...a big S-s-s-si-i-i-i-g-g-g-h-h-h-!!! Not a desperate frustrated type of sigh...but a sigh one exhales after a big, delicious meal when one is full and content but not quite done.  I am full, it seems of  so, so much learning that keeps coming and coming...and though I am full there is always room for more. I just want to keep eating.  

It is not glutteny or greed...just openeness.  As soon as I ingest...it flows through me in these sighs.  I sigh out this learning  in my family life...I sigh it out in my studio...I sigh in out in the caring for others that I am doing...I sigh when I experience nature through the lens of my camera and I sigh very deeply on  this page.  Every time I sigh... I just make room for more... each and every time. 

What I learn, what I see, what I experience,  what I gain I have no choice, it seems, but to give away.  These sighs are my giving away that which was never mine to cling to. I am gaining so much...but not for the purpose of hoarding and collecting in order to strengthen some idea I have of 'myself' ...but to have it just flow through me the way I believe it is meant to.   I guess, if I keep up with this...whatever this is I will be  filled but never full. ...spacious but never empty....gaining knowledge but never knowing.  

I cannot explain it.  It is so bizarre and so wonderful at the same time. 

All I can think to do is : Sigh! 

All is well! 

Loving Autumn

Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the Autumn tree. 

Emily Bronte

I absolutely love  early Autumn in my part of the world.  The light and colour is absolutely amazing! I love the weather...cool and crisp  in the morning and evenings, warmer during the days.  I love the smell of  a landscape ripened to completion.  I love the fact that Autumn offers us humans and other beings so much sustenance in the form of harvest, giving us an opportunity to collect and store for the less abundant months ahead. I, for example, am collecting the most beautiful apples from my overloaded trees out front, a gift from another generous being, and am in the process of making apple pies for myself and others. I intend to put many away for the bleaker times  as  a reminder of  the precious bounty offered up by these young trees filling  more than just our bellies.

 I especially love the light in Autumn.  It is lower than it is in summer, like that light before a sunset, casting a golden hue over everything. Oh man!  I just love the season.  The woods where I walk offer a wonderful space to soak it all up! And the horses in the field, love the apples we provide.

Love being alive! Don't you? 

All is well!  

Like Sunflowers

Sunflowers

 Great majestic heads,
crowned with rays of sun

bend gracefully 

in the early Autumn breeze.
Vibrant and reassuring,
offered up
so cheerfully
to the fluttering
and humming Life
 that passes by.

Life's breath flows unseen

through strong torsos, 
tall and erect

waving but unwavering 

against an ever changing 

landscape

Broad leafs,
extend outwardly,
 asking
for more 
of what is needed to
allow their beings
to dance,
accepting
with  shameless gratitude
nature's ever giving
bounty.

Roots,
I can not see,
stretch deep below
the visible surface
like elegant, pointed toes,
trusting without sight,
 delicately connecting
and
spinning into all that is.


I breathe and 

like the sunflowers

settle
into the breeze 

shared by my own
little existence,
supported and fed 

by this body
that holds me upright.
Reaching out
my trembling hands
I ask
for what is needed
to sustain me.
Blushing,
but getting past
my shame of needing;
I slowly,
ever so slowly ,
learn
to appreciate all that
lands on my
outstretched appendages. 

Like the sunflowers,
  I begin to trust  

that all
will be transformed
into that which  will
stretch and lengthen

this version of Life
as it expands 

toward the infinite space of sky.


Though I can not yet
see my own roots,
my own tattered and worn
point shoes,
I imagine them there
extending
and reaching out
to the Source of everything.
I let go and do my best
to trust the
perfect  flow and rhythm of
 nature's dance,
allowing the music of Life
to open me up

to all that is.

Like
the dancing sunflowers,
I am freed.

© Dale-Lyn : July, 2020

Virya and the Five Hindrances

 Don't Watch the Clock; Do What it Does. Keep Going!

Sam Levenson https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/keep-going-quotes

Hmm!  Right now it is almost one in the afternoon and I am just coming here.    I allot the first three- four waking hours of my Life as a retired human being to my spiritual development.  

My  Morning Practice 

Now, I realize the word "spiritual" here will trip people up.  What I mean is I allow time each day for calming, healing and opening my mind and heart, which technically is  what is offered in most spiritual processes. Maybe my motivations have changed somewhat in that  I am no longer putting all my focus on  getting to heaven when I die...I am trying to get to peace now. I am working on my mind. So I get up, sit in quiet solitude while I drink my tea; I listen or read something inspirational related to waking up to a higher level of awareness; I do a set of sun salutations, a short walking meditation around the house, and then I sit to meditate. I fill out today's entry in my gratitude journal and write a blurp in my devotional.  After that I come here to write, learn, teach...whatever it is I am doing.  Only then do I feel equipped to go "out there".

Well, I feel a little discombobulated because my routine did not go smoothly this morning. I did not embrace solitude like I expect to do each morning.  D. was home. I found myself slipping in my committment to be device-less and disconnected from social media for the first three hours and began answering texts and emails. I tried multitasking two very important spiritual tasks I do every morning...meditating while I listened to some profound teacher.  (Not wise). When it came time to come here and write for learning and teaching purposes...I couldn't get into my computer right away ( the poor old thing is dying- overloaded, and overworked. ).  It took me an hour and a half just to get to the point I could type here. So my three hour spiritual practice is going to be a lot longer. Sigh! I am feeling a little more than frustrated

First of all, I realize through this reaction I am having that though committment and routine is important in any practice we should not be too attached to  any of it! I can look at this also and use it as another example in my real life experience with the five hindrances. 

The Five Hindrances

According to Buddhist psychology there are five things that get in the way of us getting to that calm, clear, non reactive  mind that we may be practicing yoga, meditation, religion or whatever in order to attain. These five hindrances are: desire, aversion(ill will), sloth and torpor, worry and restlessness and finally skeptical doubt. 

Desire: Desire gets in the way because it leads to craving and a seeking of something "out there" to make us feel better "in here"  or fill in some hole we assume we have within.  If I am "wanting" from a place of ego...well that wanting is going to get in the way of attaining that which is truly beneficial to me and others...my peace of mind. Peace is already in me... I won't find it anywhere out there ...Yet there I was this morning  desiring everything in my world to accomodate my routine and quite upset that it wasn't. 

Aversion: Anger, resentment, frustration, blame, judgement , hatred etc are all feelings that push the moment away. As long as I am pushing the moment and whatever it offers away because it does not meet some idea I have of how it should be ...I am closing my heart.  A closed heart is a numb, unloving  heart and a numb, unloving heart cannot experience peace. Peace comes from a heart that allows everything in. Well...this morning I found myself closing...I was closing to D.'s presence a bit.  I was closing to the fact that my morning was not going the way I wanted and expected it to; and I was closing to this computer in a less than calm and centered  way.

Sloth and Torpor: we talked about this a day ago.  This low energy state that pulls us away from the action necessary in this process of waking up and leads us to check out in a myriad of ways...is I beleive...the epidemic of our culture. 

Worry and restlessness: A monkey mind that jumps about and pulls us in one direction and then another can be very distarcting .  We will be so busy watching the activity and antics  of the restless mind, we won't be able to see the clear and peaceful mind behind the performance.  We really need to sooth this mind.  And worry...well the greek translation for the root of the word means to strangle and that is what worry does ...it strangles our awareness  of the peace within with all the"what if's" and "Oh nos!" it distracts us with. I allowed both worry and restlessness into my morning.

Skeptical Doubt:  All it takes is a bit of "I am not sure if this going to work" or "I don't think I am meant to have peace" for our faith in the process to crumble. I found myself sayng to  D. today, after letting out a few less than peaceful words to the computer, "I don't think I am supposed to be writing here, maybe. Maybe taht is what the Universe is telling me."  

Virya

Hmm! I was going to quit but a little voice in me beneath the desire, aversion, sloth and torpor, restlessness and worry and the doubt...said: 

 "No! You are going to finish your practice. Yes...recognize how these hindrances are a part of your mental state right now and do not beat yourself up for the fact that they are there...but at the same time don't listen to their arguments. Complete your practice...even if it is a bit longer than normal, a bit more  jumbled and chaotic this morning.  Let go of the need to have it go smoothly and perfectly...it does not have to be perfect, it just has  to be. Note the frustration and anger but Don't close that heart! Put a little energy and effort into getting into your computer (balance that sloth and torpor with its counterparts) . Note the worry and restlessness but  remember...it is just a show in the forefront...it will pass and you will see the peace that is the background waiting. Replace that smidgeon of doubt with a mustard seed of faith...that is all it will take. You got this! Persevere!" 

Keep Going!

Viriya...which is our willingness to keep going, to exert efort and energy...will get us past the five hindrances. It helped me this morning...or otherwise I wouldn't be about to write:

All is well in my world! 

Go Through

 The Only Way out is Through!

??

As much as we want to escape from whatever... be it our relationship conflicts, our life circumstances, our boredom, our negative thoughts,  our heavy feelings, our challenges, and our pain...there really is no escaping. I mean we can stuff everything down away from our conscious awareness with denial, supression, repression, numbing activities, projection and blame...but we cannot run from Life. It will catch up with us eventually and when it does we will realize that our attempts at running and avoiding have actually turned our pain into full out suffering. We will have even more to deal with. 

When will we learn that the only way out of challenge and difficulty is to go through it?  When will we be willing to notice it, allow it, sit with it, look deeply into it and then maybe even embrace it...seeing the learning value of it?  

Challenge helps us to grow...as long as we don't shrink away from it. 

Hmm!  Something to think about.

From Blaming to Happiness

 Happiness is available. Please help yourselves to it. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

Who is responsible for this happiness? 

Hmm! I think we may all conceptually know on the most basic of levels that we create our own internal environment (karma) and that no one out there can make us feel anything.  Yet knowing conceptually and living as if this were the truth are two entirely different things, are they not? 

Putting the Blame outside ourselves

How many times a day do you catch yourself thinking, "She makes me so mad!" or saying out loud, "You hurt my feelings...or you disappoint me...or you frustrate me!" or even, "You ruined my life!" ?  How many times a day to you catch yourself blaming something or someone "out there"  for any discomfort you may be feeling "in here"? Well...you may not catch yourself doing it...but unless you are very evolved, I gaurantee that you are slipping into this mental state more than once a day. It is the "normal" thing we humans do.  But just because it is normal...does not mean it is the most skillful way to live.  It will not help us build healthy relationships and it will not help us to experience this happiness that we are told is available.  Infact, this type of mind set will probably lead us farther away from happiness. 

We React

Let's face it...we react! We react when people speak to us or treat us in a certain way we perceive as bad, wrong, or shouldn't be. We may feel something "unpleasant" if their approach to us is less than considerate or compassionate.  We may feel the sting of rejection, anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment, frustration, fear when they say something or do something that we judge as wrong, bad or shouldn't be. Because we feel the sting of the unpleasant in response to their actions  (or lack of) we have been conditioned to blame them for our feelings and our messed up internal environment . Then we counter their actions with our own. (Usually with a sense of blame, defense and attack.) . That leads to  a messy external environment as well as a messy internal environment. Yuck!

Where then is this happiness that Thich Nhat Hanh says is available to all of us?  I don't know where it is.  I just know that as long as we are projecting responsibility and blame outside of ourselves and onto other people and other things we are certainly not going to find it.  We are going to continually react with blame. 

Equanimity

What we need to do is approach everything with equanimity...which can be defined in many ways: mental calmness, composure, evenness of temper, without judgement,  preference or aversion, especially in stressful or difficult situations.

Can you stay calm and composed when someone is telling you off or doing something very destructive in front of you? 

Let's face it...people are going to do things we don't like.  They are going to seemingly p+&& us off. Yet it is through not reacting to their behaviours that we will find a certain peace...even if not reacting is often considered a "no-no" in today's society.  We are told over and over to stand up for ourselves, not to let the "bullies" win, fight back...get angry instead of passive. Yet when we do this we forget a very important law of Karma.  No one outside of us is responsible or to blame for our lives.  Our lives are merely a result of our actions. 

We are all heirs to our own actions.  Our happiness or unhappiness is dependent on our actions, and not merely on our wishes. 

We may wish that "things" were different; that "other people" were different so that our lives would be different and we could be happy. What we need to realize, however, is that our wishes do not determine our satisfaction with life.  They will not change what kinds of lives we are living...they will not fix the messes we may be experiencing inside. Only we can do that through our actions. 

Mary or John are not responsible for our happiness and we are not responsible for theirs.  They may wish us ill or wish us well but the only things that will determine our happiness or lack of is our actions.  We are responsible for the actions we choose. We may wish them well or wish them ill...but that will have little impact on the lives they are living, externally or internally. Their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on their actions, not my wishes. They are responsible for the actions they choose. 

Yes... happiness is all around, available to all of us when we act skillfully in a way that opens us up to it. 

Skillful Action

What does skilfull action entail...it includes our thoughts, perceptions, speech, motivations,  efforts, intentions, understanding etc...those actions that bring happiness. What types of action brings happiness?  Those entrenched in kindness, compassion, non-judgement and that are wise.

This statement: We are all heirs to our own actions.  Our happiness or unhappiness is dependent on our actions, and not merely on our wishes....is wise! 

So when people really seem to p+&& us off...we need to remember this statements.  They are heirs to their own actions. Their happiness or unhappiness is dependent on their actions, not merely on my wishes or on their wishes. I am the heir to my own actions.  My happiness or unhappiness is dependent on my actions and not merely my own wishes or theirs. These people who seem to be causing our unease and possibly screwing up our chances for happiness...aren't! They cannot take credit for our happiness or blame for our lack of.  Only our actions determine our happiness.  

So as they are doing, whatever they are doing that seems to be causing us so much grief...remember that how you act right there and then will determine your happiness. What they may be wishing, saying or doing has little impact. What you say, think, do does!  Yelling back or doing even worse in retaliation will not bring you to happiness. Resentment, anger and aversion will not bring you to happiness. Blaming them will not bring you to happiness. Wishing they and Life were different will not bring you to happiness! 

Being nondisturbed, detached ( but not indifferent) as you focus on the good within them that may be very hard to see in that moment...will bring you to happiness.  Of course, it will take practice to decondition the mind that reacts and balmes others for happiness or lack of.  Be kind to yourself as you build your equanimity muscles and learn to see beyond the behaviours of others to the goodness that, like happiness, is always there and available. 

I am reminded of this poem :

“ The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”

Kent M Keith https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/271599.Kent_M_Keith

All is well!

Joseph Goldstein/Pascale Ferradini (April, 2013) Buddhism: The Essential Points https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgkBnMu_cdM&t=2475s

Joseph Goldstein(Dec, 2012)Guided Meditation on Equanimity. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncpIt7znVm4

Sloth and Torpor

 When the mind is contracted under the influence of sloth and torpor, there is not much joy or pleasure in the practice, not much delight in our lives. We're always pulling back or holding back...The first steps are simply to notice when sloth and torpor are present and when they are absent, so that we can recognize the difference. We get to know our minds very clearly.

Joseph Goldstein, page 143

I wanted  to write about Sloth and Torpor...as a pair, forming one of the five hindrances that we in the west might refer to as "laziness or lack of energy and motivation". As you may have been as well, I have been experiencing periods of that mind state off and on for years.  

Though there are many reasons for it...I have found myself giving into this feeling of "being tired".  The last two days, for example, I would come home from doing something out there and curl up in the lazy boy to watch You tube videos or binge on Netflix for hours at a time while I napped on and off...All this when there is so much to "do" around here...like clean my house, finish my novel which I am so close to finishing, sit down and have hard conversations with the inhabitants of this house, make plans for the future.  Instead of doing anything, I would just give in to this feeling , tell myself I needed to rest and I would become nothing but a dull and lazy sloth. 

Why is my mind sinking into this pit of sloth and torpor? Because: 

• it is easy and more pleasant than doing the things I have on my mind to do! It is the easier option for sure.  I mean...housework?  Come on? Though I am not fond of housework,  I really am not lazy and I can clean.  Infact, I can clean well and energetically if I put my mind to it.  I clean other people's places with ease and actually enjoy it...but when it comes to cleaning this house... that feels like a place I have no claim to anymore...yuck!  And the messes I have to clean that do not belong to me but are left for me...yuck! It is easier to curl up, and close my eyes to that which needs to be cleaned around me. And to go back to that novel which has become a "strain" on my emotions and mind...not something I prefer to do. Would rather tell myself "I deserve a nap!" As far as dealing with people who somehow don't hear me and whom I have to keep being more and more assertive with...yucky too. Life has seemed to be so challenging for me over the last little while. It is easier to to flick on the TV and get lost in the drama going on there than to deal with the one going on here. 
• Conditioning that tells us we need so much sleep a day or we will not be able to function effectively. I keep telling myself I really am physically tired and I have convinced myself that I need so much sleep and rest a day.   I am not sleeping well at night because of pain, menopause or worry...so I give myself permission to make up for it with a nap or a 4-5 hour Netflix/You tube binge during the day . It is a culturally okay thing to do. Infact...sloth and torpor is very prevalent in this day and age.
• Judging and perceiving discontent and  boredom.  I am kind of discontent  with my life situation as it is.  Instead of staying alert and appreciative of  the moment to moment things I could be doing...I judge them as boring and therefore not worth the effort..I allow this boredom to take me to a place of escape that requires little effort. All the things I could be doing...I judge and perceive as "boring" and therefore "not pleasant"  enough to invest effort in. 
• Fear of failure.  Another reason why I curl up and slip away is because I fear failure.  I fear not being able to keep the house clean once I get it clean.  I fear going to that novel...investing all the emotional and physical energy required into it...only to create a real sucky read. I fear once again asserting myself and laying down the law here only to have what I say ignored as it has been over and over again. It makes me feel like a failure. There is still, obviously, some attachment to outcome involved. 
• Escaping Painful Emotions.  There is a host of painful emotions accumulating inside of me and dying to be expressed...but man that is not an easy thing to confront.  It is much easier to curl my legs beneath me and a cozy blanket than it is to face them head on with alerteness and awareness. 
• Took one step too far in my desire to move away from the dependence on the to-do list. I think it is obvious now that I am not a big fan of the to-do list. I have been saying we need to move away from our need for structured and planned  diversional activity and focus more on "being".  I believe that, I do,  but I took it a step too far.  I told myself at those moments I was curled up that I was "being" and not doing...when, in fact, I was not truly being because I was numbing, lost in diversional activity and far from being alert and aware.  I was seeking to go below awareness Hmm! There is a big difference between checking out and checking in. I was checking out. Doing is a necessary part of being human and action is required at times.  We may not need structured and rigid to-do lists but we do need to act from time to time.  Our energy is often ignited and intesified when we act.  Hmm! 

So I am becoming quite aware of my tendency towards sloth and torpor.  That is the first step of recovery from it.  Recovery entails building arousal, endeavour/perserverence and exertion muscles. I envision what it would be like to approach my day to day experience with energy and enthusiasm rather than this...I want that but first I need to accept my approach now. Every time I sit on that chair, telling myself I am tired and deserve a break,  I am going to ask, "Hmm! Is this sloth and torpor calling?  Will this benefit me  and others in the long run or will it hinder? " 

All is well! 

Joseph Goldstein ( 2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Sounds True: Boulder

A Day to Stop and Think

 Truth and Reconcilliation 

As your ancestors 

cry out to be heard

through the chaos 

that makes up 

this world of  lost, 

busy and greedy minds,

a world too many still cling to 

with white knuckles and heavy breath

as if it is the only reality,

my ancestors 

bow their head in shame

within me.

I feel the heaviness 

of their shoulders 

dragging mine  down

away from  ears

 full of the echoed cries of children,

of  lost women, 

of brave souls

mortally wounded by broken promises 

and exhumed from  the sandy depths 

of someone else's

unconsciousness. 

These ancestors within me

cry out for forgiveness

as they see clearly 

what they could not see

when they walked around in forms

that felt so righteous

 in their taking 

of that which was never theirs. 

The red, once proudly worn 

with national pride,

is replaced with the saffron

worn by those 

who have achieved 

the sight of truth

few will ever achieve 

in this busy world.

Though my form 

that carries the sins of my fathers

may never be worthy 

to wear such ceremonial dressage,

I do so with the hope

of healing for all. 

© Dale-Lyn, July, 2021

Meant to publish this yesterday. 

Mantra?

 Love all of it; be attached to none of it.

me

Hmmm! Those words came to me as I began meditating and they became the perfect mantra.  I was using the mala, as I often do for breath meditation when I am feeling a bit too agitated to just slip away from monkey mind, and I found myself breathing in with "Love all of it!" and breathing out with, "Be attached to none of it." And it just seemed so perfect...a bit like Tonglen.  I mean with the breath in, while I  lightly gripped one bead,  I was visualizing breathing in all Life had to offer: the 10,000 joys ( and so many images of joy came to me) and the 10,000 sorrows ( and so many images of other suffering came to me as well)...I just breathed it all in , as if my heart was big enough to handle all of it, while I recited "Love all of it!"   Then when I breathed out, releasing the bead to grab another, I felt as if I was letting it all go, releasing all of it...clinging to none of it ....as the air left my lungs with the words, " Be attached to none of it."  It was very nice.

I mean...mantras  are just a bunch of words, right? "Love" is just a word having different meanings and connotations for all of us. "Attached" may have different meanings too.  So, if you are going to use a mantra,  do not get too hung up on the words themselves but on what they symbolize for you, what they "point to",  and what feeling they evoke in you.  

Love to me means an open, accepting, non judgemental and compassionate heart. Attached , to me, means a clinging and an expectation, a dependency on things being a certain way.  So I breathe all of Life in, openly accepting all of it...being compassionate  for all of it.  I am not judging and  selecting only  bits and pieces that please me. I am accepting all of it. When I breathe out...I release it all ...and everything feels so cleansed without any clinging or sticking.

It was  a lovely meditation and I thought I would share it. This mantra, or something similar that resonates with you.  may not only help us with our sitting practice but with Life.  Having an open heart that accepts all and clings to nothing would serve us all well, would it not? 

All is well.