Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
Rumi
I have a big ego still. I am fully aware of it. Though it often still pulls me into its dramas and I get all caught up and tangled up in its issues...I do know, at some deep level, that I am not my ego. I can pull myself back, more and more, from this ever demanding and compelling object of consciousness and simply observe it.
Most of the stuff I write here is just observation of this ego at play. If I am observing it, as in recording its antics, I am not it. Am I? I go from being the object of consciousness (or assuming I am that) to being the Objective Observer of an overactive ego. I share my observations in hope that you will observe your own ego at play and therefore disidentify from it. And I share because it helps me to disentangle myself from this "problematic me" so I can, more and more, become aware of the consciousness that is observing, the consciousness that I am.
You are a beautiful being staring at something that is not beautiful
As Singer tells us in the below linked podcast, in our sadhana/spiritual practice, we are not to put our energy into getting rid of the ego. When we do that we simply create another ego with another name. We develop a spiritual ego (and I am often guilty of doing that). Our goal is to simply be aware of ego's presence in our lives and not be disturbed by it. Watch it, feel it, experience it without getting lost in it, without being disturbed by it. We maintain the Seat of Observer and ego is just one of the many things this Observer observes.
The practice is all about being comfortable in this role of Observer of ego. So when ego acts up, as its nature, we observe and feel the disturbance. We recognize ego and what it is doing. We notice the way we feel inside...maybe fear, anxiety, shame and then we relax into this experience. We do not expect ego to relax...that is not its nature. Remember ego is simply the accumulation of all the stuff you stored inside: your likes and dislikes, your attractions and aversions...your strong emotions. Often the ego was built on pain. If that stuff was stored in pain, it comes up in pain. We then notice the anxiety, the shame, the fear, the anger etc should it arise. We do not expect or demand that these emotions be anything but what they are either. We simply recognize them, observe and allow them to be what they are. We can, if we are so inclined investigate further into them but we do not have to until we are more comfortable with watching ego. We try to be kind...or at least neutral... in our response to what we are observing; detached from that which we are observing...knowing it isn't who we really are. If I am observing it, it isn't me. I am the "I am " observing.
Singer reminds us in our investigation of ego to begin slowly. We can start with those things that are closer to the surface. When I awoke today, ironically, I found myself dealing with a minor ego thing and doing my best to relax into it. I recalled, for some odd reason-not sure why it popped into me head...a photography book I self published years ago for gifts. In the introduction of the book I made a glaring geography error. Because the photos I had taken were all about the river I grew up on I mistakenly said this river flowed into the Bay of Fundy, when in reality it flows into the Northumberland Strait (something I actually knew so well...aha ego just stepped in there to tell you that I was someone who knew lol). My "academic" ego, the ego that likes to be seen as smart was really bothered by that mistake but because I had already handed out the gifts there was no way of correcting it. My ego led me to feel shame and embarrassment. In fact, whenever I think of that book, to this day, I feel my face flushing and the tightness in the belly. I automatically try to suppress the experience of recall back down into the recesses of my subconscious.
And it is truly such a little stupid thing!!
Today, when it came up, I remembered Singer's words about relaxing into ego and its emotions (not knowing that that would be today's podcast topic, as well). I observed the ego activation, the shame and embarrassment. I recognized ego in it all and I reminded myself I wasn't that academic that wanted to be seen as smart...that was just ego. I was the Observer of this ego in action. I noticed but said "no" to that strong temptation to suppress. I breathed and relaxed my body as much as possible. I sat with the experience as I recalled the book and the mistake. I felt the feelings in my body. I recognized and allowed it all as I observed. The body relaxed, the feelings passed through, and it was over. I can think about that book now and the experience I have is so much better. (Though I know I would still feel embarrassed if someone mentioned the mistake to me etc...ego, I know is not gone lol) . Anyway , this relaxing into what is works.
An ignored guest quickly leaves
Sigh, we are not the ego. We are Consciousness and from there, simply Observers of the "little stupid things" ego does. Ego, is probably going to be sticking around for a long time for most of us, at least. We can learn to be comfortable observing it.
All is well.
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( November 19, 2023) Understanding Ego: Everybody Has One. https://tou.org/talks/
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