...if you function unconsciously, your karma rules you absolutely. As soon as you function with some awareness, the power of karma over your life weakens.
Sadhguru, Karma: page 187
I was thinking of "negativity" again and the effects it can have on our external events giving the appearance that the cause for it is "out there," not "in here". But sigh...it is all "in here."
Unconscious and Ruled by Karma
I have been punched around a bit, it seems, by Life simply doing what Life does. Without knowing I was doing it, I personalized it and made it all about what Life was doing to "me". I once again became a bit punch drunk resulting in a familiar perspective. My eyelids were swollen so I could only open them enough to see the bloody mess around me. There seemed to be more darkness than light. I had my gloved fists in front of my heart protecting it from other blows. That led to a self protective constriction. There seemed to be only fear and trickles of "That's okay, make the best of it" coming from it. Where was this wonderful shakti flow I read so much about? This joy? I was exhausted so the ability to move around and away from other hits seemed diminished. I was tense and reactive. It felt that everyone and everything was there to whop me on the head. It looked like things were challenging and may remain so possibly forever. I didn't even consider the option of getting out of the ring. It seemed like my destiny to be there taking the beating.
A Limiting Perspective: Peace with What is
I was trying to find acceptance and therefore peace in my present set of circumstances. I was telling myself again that, "It is all okay, what happens to "me" doesn't matter anyway. I want "me" gone and Life is simply scraping/punching the remains of "me" away." Yet, at the same time I was clinging like crazy to the identity of this "me" (as yesterday's poem shows) so I felt each blow that connected with my body or mind. There was no hope of winning...no hope of gaining joy and freedom...I couldn't see a way out of the ring. It became all about accepting and then surviving what Life was giving me. That's it. I was focusing this amazing light of consciousness on what I could see in the ring from my beat up body and mind. I was staring on something so limiting and negative. I got swallowed up into that focus....again.
From there I went from wondering why there was so much negative crap falling down around me to accepting it all as something I deserved. I slipped back into the old erroneous ways I looked at karma. Looking out at life circumstances from this perspective, it seemed a little bleak....challenge after challenge, drawing in negative circumstances like the violent attack a few weeks ago. Awareness of my childrens' suffering intensified leading to thoughts about my fault as a parent...to guilt and shame...fear...more awareness of their suffering etc. I was made aware again and again about my financial situation...any attempt to get out of it seemed to fail. I was so sure no one would hire me or help me in anyway. I was dealing with physical pain again and felt hopeless in ever having that dealt with, let alone eliminated. The potential to reach people with my writing seemed thwarted...like it would never happen...like I was doing it all for nothing...leading to feelings of defeat and a sense of "I am just not good enough. Who did I think I was?" It kept getting darker and darker inside me like the November sky.
Not Noticing= Intensifying Karma
And I didn't notice just how negative my mind set was getting. I, who spends so much time examining my own mind, didn't quite see how negative I was thinking and perceiving. I was all caught up in this idea of "Accepting what is!", removing the "me", and seeing the 10,000 sorrows as a part of Life. I didn't notice that the deep core belief that says "You deserve to suffer...only suffer. It isn't going to get any better for you. Make the most of it. Light? No, get used to the darkness. That is your destiny," had resurfaced. And that I was operating from it.
I was percolating that negative energy in me and then I was putting it out there. The world around me was simply responding to this mindset...to the actions my body, mind and energies were performing based on it. Still, I kept praying for something out there to change...praying for a break of some kind that would eliminate at least part of the suffering. I was looking "out there" as both the cause of my suffering and as the solution. I slipped back into old ways of dealing with life.
The Ripple Effect of Negative Assumption
Yes, karmic consequence was manifesting in my life but it had nothing to do with any outside punishment that I deserved. It had to do only with what I was putting out there from in here. I was assuming things that were not true and acting out on these assumptions...physically, mentally, and energetically. For example, I was so sure that when I didn't hear back right away about a little job opportunity, that it had been decided that I wasn't worthy of it. I was convinced that it was decided this person I call "me", who has so much education, experience, skill, creativity, potential etc, was deemed unworthy of such a position. So, with that assumption in mind I walked away from the opportunity...I did not pursue it further. Did not seek to challenge my assumption. The energy of my emerging samskaras and core belief bubbled and boiled inside me and I unknowingly kept putting it out there.
As a result, other life circumstances based on it kept coming back into my "awareness": made aware again and again of my financial situation, made aware of how little readership I was getting and that I would likely never make it as a writer/motivator and how embarrassing it was for me to even assume that there might have been a chance at one time, made aware of all the broken things in my house that I cannot afford to fix as well as the financial situation of my children that I also could not fix. The dog got sick leading to an expensive vet bill. Others got sick around me. My pain came back and I knew there was nothing I could do about that.
All this led to other reactions on my part which led to other life consequences etc. I started thinking and living like a "poor person" not caring about the state of my house or my own appearance. I stopped considering trying to publish again and gave up on all the stuff I have out there now thinking there is no use. It just isn't good enough. I am not good enough. So, I, in turn, did not seek to give to the reader or get any positive feedback that would say otherwise. I let my house fall to pieces and told the children that in my "poor state" I could not help them...we would have to be "poor" together. Went into even more debt. Assumed we were all going to get sick and die eventually and that there was nothing we could do about it. I gave up hope of ever getting a diagnosis for my pain. I was closed, withdrawn, snappy and reactive around certain others I was harboring resentment towards increasing the experience of stress in the household and in "me".
Praying for A Break
From here...this place of assuming the worst about myself and Life...I went from praying for something out there to change just a bit to make my life easier, to praying for the ability to accept Life exactly as it was. The latter was more likely to be answered. .. I found some peace in acceptance but not joy. I assumed that "joy" was beyond what I deserved...starting the whole cycle over again. Crazy!!!
A Crack that Lets Light In
Then as I was attempting to study and understand Karma better, as I was practicing my kriya and karma yoga...and when Life answered my prayers for a bit of a break ...(that came in the form of me feeling more open in the presence of my grandson every week)...some light came in to this place I didn't even realize was so dark. I saw how different it all appeared in the light...even if it was just a trickle. Something in me opened. I opened my eyes enough to question if I was actually in a boxing ring with Life. Maybe it was just my mind. I decided to test out my previous assumption.
Challenging Assumptions In the Light
I pursued the job opportunity again and discovered it was simply that the other was so busy she couldn't get back to me. I now have the little part time position that will suit me much better than what I had been doing. Income without exhausting myself. I felt this trust in Life opening up inside me again. She was no longer my opponent. Some money started coming in from other resources. I was drawn, for some inexplicable reason, back to an article I published years ago to see all these amazing comments on it about how what I had written was so helpful and appreciated. I was getting to readers. The sick others around me started to get better. Hope and help started appearing in their lives a little bit. The external events were becoming positive. Why? Because I was opening up to the positive energy within me!!
Karma is an Inside Game
When I judged and reacted to life situations that were unpleasant, I felt negative...I percolated this negativity inside me...I then put negative energy "out there"...I perceived, thought, emoted and acted negatively and I received negativity in return. That is karma! It is not some metaphysical down pouring of bad luck and penance...it is simply the consequence of what we brew inside and pour outward.
Life was not punishing me! It was never that there were no positive, life affirming, situations' out there, as well, when I was experiencing what seemed negative but because of my mindset, I was only focused on those situations that reinforced the belief that I deserve to struggle through life. This gave the illusion of being punched and punched again by the "negativity of life". When all along it was just the negativity of my mind that was accumulating karma.
When things go wrong as they sometimes will...we need to step back and view it from a wider perspective. When we feel like we are being beaten down...we need to look deeply into that assumption and challenge it. "Is this true? Is this belief that I am being punished by Life because I deserve to be valid? How can I test it? " Test it...look for the positive and life affirming that shows the untruths of these assumptions. They are out there. Widen your lens and capture the beauty as well as the ugliness; the light as well as the darkness, the opportunity as well as the challenge and the joy as well as the sorrow."
All is well!
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