Otherwise

"You will be ever hearing but never understanding;

you will ever be seeing but never perceiving.

For the people's heart has become calloused; 

they hardly hear with their ears, 

and they have closed their eyes.

Otherwise they might see with their eyes,

hear with their ears,

understand with their hearts

and turn, and I would heal them".  

Matthew 13:15

As I continue to work through and deal with my reactivity related to the incident on Saturday night ( or more precisely the reaction I had when dealing with support systems the next day) I come across this talk from Michael Singer (See linked below). In this talk he reminds us that it isn't reality that is causing the problem.  Reality is just reality.  It is our reaction to reality that is the problem. 

Our reactions are based on our psyche and what it has stored...on how it tells us things about what happened and what we should do about it.  Most of the time it tells us to resist, avoid, project blame out there, suppress or repress. This isn't helpful in dealing with the issues.  This reactivity is based purely on our own personal agendas and our personal agendas are "statistically insignificant"in the big scheme of things. 

Our psyches are simply the accumulation of stored events. I understand to some degree where my reactivity to the way the situation was handled by formal support systems come from.  I understand the samskaras within me that form my psyche.  I see them, because of my practice, being closer to the surface than they ever were. Because of that, I am as prickly as a pear ( Are pears prickly? Where did that expression come from?) and easily triggered. So, the way the situation was approached by others who I assumed were there to help, protect and support us was an obvious trigger.  I reacted with a great deal of resistance and  with a familiar  "I can't believe this is happening again.  How can I help my children?" mantra. 

What I did, though I actively tried not to, was view the system approach through teh lens of my own negative past experiences.  I stereotyped and blamed  all individuals in these systems as "never believing me"...which is not fair because I have  received some wonderful support and care from certain others in these systems in the past ( my GP and certain other physicians, some police officers when dealing with my step son, his care team was amazing etc). Yet, my samskara-triggered reactivity blurred the lines and I generalized all similar past experiences as I projected outwardly.  Sure, this situation could have been handled differently. Sure, the above passage may apply to certain individuals from these systems  that made the decisions they did. But it also applies to me. 

My heart had become calloused over the years.  The samskaras we build up inside us are calluses on the heart.  I, as a result, became self righteous in my pointing a finger at them.  I was not seeing with my eyes and hearing with my ears the expression of their own personal humanness that may have been coming out through their decisions. They have psyches too that colour their perceptions, prevents them possibly from seeing or hearing clearly, from understanding and perceiving "my" little version of reality which is so unimportant in the big scheme of things.   As do I!  

The only reaction I can focus on is my own, not those  "assumed" reactions others may or may not be having.  My personal little experience of this is so unimportant and irrelevant in the bigger picture.

So what? My personal experience and the personal experience of my family members was not heard or validated, not supported or even believed, enough, the day after.  That is the reality of our situation.  That is what went down.  I can't change that.  I can't not change the opinions and decisions made by others.  I can't pretend to understand or know either why it happened the way it did, why it so often seems to happen this way.  I was looking at it all through the lens of my own samskara reactivity. Not clearly.

After the actual attack incident where I stayed so clear, where I was able to maintain the Seat of consciousness and proceed with inspired action, I became more than a little disappointed with myself to see my reactivity the next day.  To see how  I once again slipped and started operating from my own calloused heart,  resisting and blaming those out there for being human too. I seen the Seat...I was in the Seat...I was nonreactive in the most dangerous of situations...yet the next day...I become totally lost in my reaction to the reaction of others. 

I see now how I do not have to beat myself up for reacting.  As long as we still have a psyche we are going to react! I just need to accept that it happened and then accept that I reacted to it in the way I did.  The examination of  my reactivity is another wonderful  thing I can learn and grow from.

Sure, individuals in these systems may be having a challenging time coping with the reality of suffering.  Maybe they need to see better with their eyes, hear better with their ears, and understand better with their hearts.  But that is none of my business if they do or they don't.  My business is seeing with these eyes, hearing with these ears, understanding with this heart and turning this being  to the  Source  of it all for healing.  I need to get beyond my personal story and my own psyche that is so reactive to that which doesn't react.   

Basis of karma is simple: You are the source of all your baggage. When you clearly perceive this, your essential quality changes. ...If you see someone else as the source, you will always be distracted, disorientated, bitter, frustrated, agitated, and angry. When you see yourself as the source, you are centered. Your energies are now focused within you. You are no longer enacting rituals of blame and rage in your head. You are no longer enslaved to your internal environment or your mind. Sadhguru, Karma ( Harmony Books, 2021), page 165

And I am getting there! 

All is well! 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( November 2, 2023) Handling Your Reactions to Reality. https://tou.org/talks/