The idea that you have to be protected from any type of uncomfortable emotion is what I absolutely do not subscribe to.
John Cleese
I often mention, and probably share more than my remaining ego is comfortable with, how uncomfortable it is to have the "old stuff" coming up from the recesses of my heart where I had stuffed and stored it in some pandora's box of many "unwanted" things. I am easily triggered, it seems, by certain Life events and not so easily by others. When placed in a life threatening situation I experience it fully, wholly, and almost see the beauty in it. Yet, it could just take a few words from another to throw me back into the dungeon of my mind. It is obviously not the event, then, that is the problem nor is it the emotional energy itself.
Though my body was responding with fear last weekend during a life threatening event, my mind wasn't. I wasn't clinging to any of it. I was aware of it all, acutely so, but I was 'riding the wave' of it. It was being released as quickly as it was coming in. I wasn't using my will to create resistance and therefore reactivity against the moment. I was flowing with it. I was handling it.
The next day, however, when a samskara got bumped and old painful emotional energy started to come up...I resisted, creating tension and stress. The flow of that emotional vibration became even more turbulent inside me. The heart, the place where our emotions are stored, was doing what it does...attempting to purify itself. Purification means having these emotions and "samskaras" rise to the surface, into our conscious awareness, into our moments, so they can be experienced and released. When we resist, it is like pushing it back down, creating a wall between the natural flow of this energy upward and outward and our momentary experience. The energy on the other side of our resistance, just like the Colorado river does against the wall of the Hoover Dam, becomes even more turbulent when we do that. That is suffering!
It wasn't until I accepted both the experience outside: the not having our experience validated and acted upon by formal support systems in a way that would make us feel adequately supported and protected and the experience inside: the activation of old samskaras based on past experience seeking help from support systems leading to a flood of emotions that could be named as "shame, fear, unworthiness, hopelessness, desperation" as well as "anger, blame, and resentment"....that I felt a certain disentanglement from it.
When I recognized that what was happening outside had little to do with me and that what was happening inside had everything to do with me, I relaxed into the entire experience. I allowed it. I observed it. I felt a certain degree of compassion and understanding for the others. More importantly, I felt a certain degree of compassion and understanding for the heart that so wanted to release these trapped emotions. So, though I need to work on being more gentle with myself, I did try to call up each of these trapped energies gently and allow them into my conscious awareness. I looked deeply into those that were willing and ready to arise, understanding where they came from and why. And, as a result, some left...some were released. My samskara load is now a little lighter, as is my karmic load, as is my heart.
We need to learn to understand and handle our emotional energies so we are not run by them. We can learn to do just that. We can set our hearts free so Shakti can flow upward. We really can. That doesn't mean we don't feel our emotions, even the painful ones. That doesn't mean the process of purifying the heart is a pain free one. It isn't. It hurts :) But if we look at the process of purification as enduring the pains of a labour that will soon free the soul from that which held it back...would we not be willing to do our best to relax and breathe into each contraction?
All is well in my world.
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( November 5, 2023) Understanding and Handling Emotions. https://tou.org/talks/
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