You are the problem, and that cannot be solved outside. It can only be solved inside.
Michael A. Singer
That is the hard truth about any so called "problem" we might have with Life right now, isn't it? It is not out there. Even if you just found out you were cheated on or your loved one has cancer, these things are not the real problem, as pain inducing as they are. You were not okay inside before these things unfolded and they simply triggered something within you, what was already wrong with you. You are the problem. You and you alone are the only one that can make it better inside you. And it doesn't matter if you have a diagnosis of a mental illness or not . You are responsible for your own well being, your own happiness. Yes, that means that problems are your responsibility You are "response-able" for your so called problems becasue you are responsible for your Life. You may not have a choice as to what Life hands you, but you always have a choice in whether or not you will activate your responsibility or if you will continue to react in unhealthy ways. You have the ability to respond to Life in a healthy way by taking responsibility for your inner world or you can react in an unhealthy way by blaming everything on others and the "outside world. You can choose to go inward and fix what is broken inside you or you can look outside for solutions that will never be enough. You are the problem. And that means you are the solution.
That's pretty harsh, crazy lady?
Maybe, but it is true. Yes, there are things in Life that are very hard to handle. Things that are pain inducing, adding complexity and sorrow to your life experience. There are many things that are far from pleasant and wanted. Yet, these things are happening and will continue to happen as Life does what it does...not to "you" personally....but just as an unfolding. You cannot run away from them or stop Life from doing what Life does. It just is as it is. You will experience pain, sometimes gut wrenching pain as you are here to experience it all. That pain may seem unbearable at times. It may bring you to your knees...but if you use your power of responsibility rather than your habit of reactivity...the pain will pass eventually, the so called "problem" will cease to be. It will not get stuck in you like so many things already have.
This is true regardless if you have a mental illness that leads to emotional regulation or not. Even if your pain experience is ten times more intense than the person's next to you, even if the trauma you experienced in the past was absolutely horrendous. What you have inside you now is yours. What may have happened to you or in your Life might not be yours but your response to it, is. It will definitely be more challenging for you to deal with painful events as they unfold, if that is the case, but it is still possible to handle this pain. If you have emotional dysregulation or have severe PTSD you may have developed a thicker wall of resistance than most would have in order to avoid this pain, you may be using many more unwholesome coping mechanisms in comparison to someone who does not feel pain in the intensity you do which will mean a lot more unravelling to get to the core ...but...but..it is still your responsibility to come to terms with it The problem is still yours. Others cannot fix it for you be they a loved one or a licensed therapist. You can definitely be supported and educated on skills that will help you to cope with the pain you are experiencing (DBT, maybe) but it will be up to you to use what ever resources are out there to help you to deal. People and things will never be the exact way your mind tells you they need to be in order for you to feel okay inside. It just doesn't work that way. And the more you keep thinking "they should be becasue you have this or that..." the more disappointed you are going to be, the more betrayed by others you are going to feel, the more unloved and unsupported you are going to believe you are. Once you can simply say, "This is mine and it is up to me to work on my insides.", while you realize the truth about life including the limitations of others...and really, really mean it...than a certain healing will naturally take place. Sigh!
I know someone who is suffering intense pain right now. I feel that pain acutely when I am with this person so I know it is so real. They have a pattern of emotionally reacting severely to certain life circumstances that the rest of us could tolerate. That emotional dysregulation is very real. Yet, a part of them refuses to own it and the experience. They see others and life circumstances as the source of problems and themself as a helpless victim to them. They depend very heavily on the diagnosis they have been given and the fact that our mental health system is very limited in resources specific to that diagnosis. They feel they cannot get better until Life changes to meet their specific expectations...until the right mental health resources magically appear, until Life stops being challenging and until people are expressing love and support in the exact way they feel they should if they really loved them. The reactions to life events and the behaviors of others are very extreme: full of blame, judgement, anger, even violence and self harm. These reactions can go from 0 to 120 in a matter of seconds and they are terrifying to witness. There is a point where this person definitely loses control putting them at grave risk. And even in the less reactive times, there is a lot of pushing away and pulling in at the same time so no one knows exactly how to approach or support.
Though ,I see how complex this all is, and how "real" , I also see the simplicity of the true problem under all these layers of complexity. The major issue isn't the diagnosed condition...far from it. The major issue is resistance to what is and a lack of ownership of the problem. I want to shout from the top of my lungs sometimes when I am witnessing reactions: Stop resisting Life! It cannot go the way you want it to, so stop demanding that it does! Stop blaming Life when Life is just doing what it is does. It is not out to get you...it isn't even thinking about "you" . Stop expecting and demanding so much from other people. They will never be able to give you enough to fill you up or fix that discomfort within you. Stop standing in the way of your own recovery! This idea of "me" you are defending and protecting has got to go! It ain't no freind!Stop using those defense mechanisms that pull you down more and more and just sit with the pain. It can't be half as bad as the pain you are inflicting on yourself through your own resistance. Face the fact love, you are the problem. That means you are the solution."
Well, lets just say any attempt at expressing this was not met in a favourable way. I don't say much anymore. I just do my best not to react...to stay calm, compassionate and understanding. Though, I am told over and over again that I am only doing harm. Oh man! Anyway, serendipitously that was on my mind as I listened to Michael Singer today in his weekly talk, From Believing to Knowing. In this talk he reminds us that we are not the thoughts and the emotions we are experiencing. We are simply the one watching them. We are not human beings having or not having an odd spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human one. If this person can get to that realization they would be free of so much unnecessary suffering, would they not? I wish that for everyone but especially for them.
All is well.
Michael A. Singer (2022) living untethered. New Harbinger/Sounds True
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (February 9, 2023) From Believing to Knowing. https://tou.org/talks/
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