Struggling with Scarcity and Skeptical Doubt

It is certain that you cannot believe in abundance while identifying yourself with lack. Forget the lack and think only of abundance. 

Earnest Holmes

That isn't that easy to do Earnest.

Struggling with a Scarcity Perception

To be honest with myself, more than anyone else , I have to admit that I have been struggling with a bit of negativity, even in my practice. I have been feeling lost in a scarcity perception and caught up in the tangles of skeptical doubt. Sigh!  I have been feeling and perceiving "down" as a result. 

I was hit with a ton of suffering observation recently...seeing (and feeling) so clearly the intense suffering of so many loved ones all at the same time and I felt ill equipped to handle it.  I found myself, though I never admitted it out loud, weighed down by this observation and feeling experience  to the point I now have the perception I am "lacking" in wellness. I even pulled back from my wellness practice.  I stopped drinking water from my jug, I stopped walking the dogs daily, I cut back on my yoga  practice and have not taught a class in almost two weeks. I also, according to the kids, look like a "hot mess"lol. I don't want to socialize or go out and most sadly to me,  my writing motivation has lost much of its oompf. 

Doubting the Path I am On

At the same time I was seemingly consumed by the suffering of others, I was  reminded that what I write, what I share is not getting out there to readers the way I thought it was.  My writing is not being received the way I was hoping it would be. Though I try not to be attached to outcome,  it is challenging to accept that at all the hours, love, and effort I have put into this little practice of mine here might have been a waste.  I always said I just need to reach one or two people and it will all be worthwhile because serving in this way brings me so much joy...but I am not even sure I am reaching anyone. If I am not reaching anyone, who am I serving?  Google analytics is showing  that the few possible hits I am getting  are bouncing off my page like ping pong balls. I don't want to be a ping pong table lol...I want to write, speak, and share this wonderful learning. I do not need notoriety or fame but I do need some validation that I am on the right path in this service direction. I guess that is where the "Skeptical Doubt" comes in. Without that evidence, I am doubting. 

I also feel so intensely at times the scarcity of money as I struggle to get by, especially now that I have others in my home  that need me and may have more before the months out.  I am putting myself more and more in debt to provide for them without any idea of how I will pay it back. It creates a chronic worry that twists and turns into a big knot  in my belly. Then I find myself craving...craving financial abundance ( which to me would just be enough to diminish the worry) . Still it is craving and it is hindering me in my quest for realization of what is truly important. Instead of getting to the point of being satisfied with things exactly as they are, money or no money...I am mentally grasping and clinging to the idea that maybe I can manifest some money into my life ...as if the money is the problem and the solution...when it is neither. My mind is.

My mind is the problem, more specifically ...those subconscious beliefs , so sticky and determined to make themselves known,  are why I am where I am in my practice and in my life. This pathological idea that "scarcity, rather than abundance, is my destiny". That unlike, the rest of the world, somehow I am destined to continue suffering, struggling, without money or readership  or without validation that what I "do" is what I am meant to be doing. Sigh!

I do not  need to look out there for the answers.  I need to turn around and look into my mind again...the place where all so called problems originate and where all solutions can be found. I need to look at the core beliefs that pull  me down as soon as I experience a bit of suffering observation. Bring them and all the attached emotion up to the surface and have a chat with them. Hmm!

I just happened upon another 21 day meditation challenge offered by Deepak Chopra on abundance... a way of  replacing some subconscious clinging to scarcity with a realization of abundance.  I am not sure if it will bring more money or readers into my life, but maybe it will bring more peace...and isn't that what  am truly looking for anyway?

All is well.