How we spend our days

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

Annie Dillard 

 Spent my whole morning so far going through my yoga page...reviewing it, analysing it...making sure it will meet with someone else's approval. ..even though I hear myself saying in another  breath..."It doesn't matter what others think"lol Such a walking contradiction the mind can be, eh?  Did not meditate or record my dreams from last night, let alone get into my novel.  So strange what I spent my time doing today...reviewing the past I guess and boys did the time go. 

If the above quote is right...I am spending my life looking backwards at my so called achievements and so called failures...determining how others will react to them?  Man...I don't like that. lol.  I want to write and speak and teach and give whatever I can with whatever time I have left without any attachment to outcome...with not one concern about how it will be recieved.  I don't want to spend a moment wondering if what I did in the past is okay with someone else. ...

Now that I am finally here... I am not sure what I want to write about...if anything.  Hmmm! Lesson learned?  I am not sure yet.  

All is well. 

Think Through the "What About Me?" Until It Dies

 Confusion usually results from not following ideas and feelings to their death...think it through!

Alan Watts

When we have a feeling, especially of confusion, we really need to think it through before we act upon it. Would you not agree?

A Personal Example

I have been feeling more than a little overwhemed at times. I  feel more than a bit heavy, more than a bit stuck.  I feel confused, mostly, as to what I am supposed to do with all this.  My ego mind (as well as many of the individuals who are observing my situation)  automatically assume I have to make some changes in my external world like kick people out so I regain "my" space, become more assertive so my needs are met and  regain or at least maintain some semblance of "power" that I "percieve" others are taking from me. This higher and wiser part of my thinking self , however, knows that I am simply confused and I  need to explore these feelings and thoughts right to their death  before I make any life changes. 

As I look deeply into these feelings, I am reminded over and over again that I am losing any semblance of  "My" and "Mine"...I see how I am literally being pushed to the edge of this picture of "my home" and this "perception" is leading to a mixture of feelings ...mostly confusion.  

I find myself in a "What about me?" confusion. I really want to look into this.

Just a Chair

For example, I had a particular seat at the kitchen table that I have been using since I moved in here...It provides an  easy access because I am  the one usually setting the table, putting the food down and running to get what is needed for a meal.  I and the kids always referred to it as my seat. No one sat in it but me. It was just a chair but it was "My Chair!"

Well someone who came to stay with us  has somehow claimed it for his chair. Oh I tried, in the beginning of this individual's arrival into my home, to passively stake my claim to it  by making little territorial gestures, dropping hints, getting there first.  There were several times I mentioned, "I usually sit here because it is easier...that is why I moved you over there" only to find him in "my chair" the next meal. . Others and myself even referred to it loudly  as my seat in front of the individual on many, many occassions.  I would, at the beginning, set his place at another part of the table but he always seemed a little begrudging when I did that and kept ending up in my seat when I didn't have a chance to control the seating the following meals.  

I was not sure what was going on with this mini battle.  I was not sure if he simply still, after all the assertions, hints and what not ,was not getting that it was "my seat" he was claiming or if it was a deliberate gesture of dominance on his part. It was really a source of contention for me.  I felt like I had to fight for my place, for respect, for control ...it became a competetion to reestablish my power at the table and therefore in my home...it was exhausting.

Detaching 

At the same time this was happening with "my chair", I was trying to establish a state of  mind and being that was free of "me, my, mine" ...so I didn't want to assert right out loud, "This is my seat...stay out!" That seemed counterintuitive to my ultimate goal to become detached. (I was obviously very attached to my seat...which in a sense was representative of me being attached to the "ownership role" of this house and "my life" as well as a certain power and control that came with it.) 

Wanting to advance spiritually and compassionately, I therefore took the time to attempt to understand all the variables that might be behind him taking my place at the table.  I figured  he might be experiencing a sense  of being trapped on the other side of the table where I usually placed him (He suffers with paranoid delusions); he has very poor short term memory because of the damage done so he might forget that is my chair; and he feels the need to be physically close to his father etc etc . I felt compassion and kindness with that realization and I decided I would take  the higher ground in order to keep the peace... and in order to advance away from ego  as well. I let go of my chair to him.

Letting Go? 

Well...I thought I let it all go when I began to refer to it as his chair ...but I didn't.  The resentment and this feeling of being taken advantage of still lingered even after I would have these long conversations with myself, Well "who" exactly is being taken advanatge of ?  Who owns  the "my" in my chair and my house?  Is this the self I want calling the shots etc? Whose "rights" are being impinged here...ego's or the higher Self's?  This is just a chair! Is it worth giving up your peace for?

I realize that this is a wonderful lesson in letting go of ego...and I feel better for a bit when I realize that and I let go  but eventually ego will step in again to stir up some drama. I  then feel the resentment and the "this is not okay!" telling me I have not let go completely ...obviously. 

No room for "me"

Now this situation is complicated by the fact that because another needy individual has entered my space...I am using half the dining room table as my writing spot.  It is crowded and congested with computer equipment, books and papers etc. It is obviously not the best  place to write, leaving only a few spaces at the table to eat and I feel so "this should not be!"at times  

I do most of the cooking but on nights I teach yoga and nights where they are not willing to wait I do not cook for them.  They cook for themselves without any thought of when, where  or what I will eat...which is okay...I seriously do not expect other people to concern themselves with my vegetarian choices.  But because my dining table is now  cut in half  ...there is no seating for me during these meals...They sit down together with their meal with no thought to what I will eat, no concern, no place set, no seating for me  at "my" table. Despite my assertions about the importance of family eating together...they plan and carry on a family meal in which I am not even in the picture. I hear myself crying out in my mind "What about me?" and it sounds too pathetic to utter it out loud. 

At the same time, I know that there is no "me" of value.  I don't want my hurt little ego entity to have any say in the decisions I make. I don't want to appear "selfish". Watts reminds us in the video below, however,  that we are all inherently selfish.  We just need to consider who "self" is...who "me" is?

So last night as I found myself crunched up in the corner in front of my computer after throwing something together for myself because meat was added to the salad before I was offered any...I was  angry as the thought whirred through my head:  "What about me? This is my table...my home that I am allowing others to stay in ...I cook 80 % of the meals and do 100% of the clean up...why am I excluded from this meal like I don't even exist?" I ("little me") carried that resentment with me like a stomach bug for the rest of the evening. 

I came across this Alan Watts video this morning. I am willing today to think my confusion through until it dies.  I am going to look deeply into my resentment here listening to ego, sure, and what it has to say about it all but really listening to Self ...it is that wisdom I will ponder until the thought and the feeling related to "What about me?" and "My Chair at my  table in my home...not yours " dies.  Then maybe I will make some changes in my external world...or maybe I will make some changes in my internal one...who knows.

All is well. 

Alan Watts/Philosophy and Esoterica ( Feb, 2019) Alan Watts on Exploring Your Dark Side. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OakcVC6Z9g

As it Will

 Don't seek for everything to happen as you wish it would, but wish that everything will happen as it actually will-then your life will actually flow well. 

Epictetus

Numbers are way down again and that oddly relieves me as much as it concerns me.  "Am I reaching all those I am supposed to be reaching?"... is replaced by, "Whew...Life is telling me I can do this for "me" again...so I learn what I am here to learn."  

Wishing everything to happen as it is happening...is a heck of a lot easier on the mind and body than wishing it will turn out a specific way. 

With no expectation...no judgement and no need to know what will happen next...is the way to approach each moment as it unfolds before us.  Opposition to what it provides only brings stress and damns the flow of life energy through us and around us.

We went away for a night this weekend ...I really thought I needed to get away from all the clutter of bodies, stuff, emotion  and circumstance that has been congesting my living space.  I guess...I went with a bit of expectation, judgement and a need to know what would happen next because ...I found myself dissatisfied with how things turned out at times and even complaining to some degree. I complained about the expensive motel room we booked that had a bathroom half the size of my bedroon closet...and an expensive meal at one of the restaurants that I could not eat. I reacted to the weather when the sun we left with turned into rain. I had "assumed" that getting away would perk me up and  all the less than favorable circumstances and negativity that was clinging to me would just slide off with each Km we got away from home base. ...but it didn't. I expected the weekend to "fix" everything in my head and heart.  I therefore made judgements that this or that was "bad, wrong and shouldn't be" when it didn't fix it and I began to spend a lot of the trip  planning and preparing for the next moment ahead.  Sigh!  I was pretty stuck in old ego ways. 

I realize after I observe myself in these situations that it is not the readership, the situations or what happens but my wishing it would happen a certain way that causes any so called suffering. Just allowing things to be as they are will make Life flow so much easier.

We need to start wishing that everything will happen as it will instead of how we demand it should. It needs to be "Thy will be done" rather than "my will be done". 

Any dissatisfaction I have with my stats, my trip or my present living sitautions has little to do with the trip events or weather  and little to do with my present set of circumstances, as challenging as they may seem to be to others. It has to do with what my mind is saying about them...that's all.

My thinking is the problem...not Life.  As Eckhart Tolle teaches in Achieving Happiness Beyond Thinking, true peace, joy, 'happiness' comes when we are able to transcend the trap of thinking so many of us are caught in. 

Hmmm!  All is well in my world.

Eckart Tolle (June, 2021) Achieving Happiness Beyond Thought https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCCi38nIVzA

In the Company of Friends

 

In the Company of Friends

When the chaos begins to swirl around me 

threatening to knock me down,

I seek their grounded  company.

I sit in amongst their warm circle,

absorbing their green strength 

and healing nature. 

They sing to me, 

in the most soothing 

of voices,

and whisper to me 

that it is all going to be okay.

Within their full maternal arms

I am rocked 

and protected from my dreams.

I lean in 

and they sigh 

with appreciation for my trust.

I let go 

They soak up my pain  

one precious drop at a time....

All that was problematic

all that was not real...

they breathe back to me,

 clean, and transformed

in beautiful breaths of

spacious and  refreshing air.

I seek the company of friends

so I can  breathe 

for the first time all day.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) June 25, 2021 

Resonating With Suffering

 Empathy is the faculty to resonate with the feelings of others.  When we meet someone who is joyful, we smile.  When we witness someone who is in pain, we suffer in  resonance with his or her suffering.

Matthieu Ricard

So much suffering around me.  Sometimes I fear it is going to break me. I get to the point where I feel so saturated with other people's suffering that if I absorb just one more drop, I imagine I  will explode.

 For the most part...when I am there in the moment witnessing and supporting...I feel okay.  I feel I can handle it. I can support, empathize, stay calm and open, provide a little wisdom and presence if required and do some good.  My gut takes over guiding me as to what to say or telling me when to shut up and say nothing. A wisdom often comes out of this presence that would never come out of a reactive mind. 

But...and you knew there was going to be a but, right?...when I walk away from whatever was shared with me or what I observed or was the target for...I feel so much heavier. I feel like I sucked up every bit of negative energy in that experience.  I visualize parts of me dripping out behind me to make room for what I just absorbed as I move on to another crisis ( and for some reason...in my experience of life ...these  "suffering" manifestations  always come in clusters...just like my chest pain does with very little reprieve between one attack and the other.  I never seem to have time to fully process, regain my balance or catch my breath before I am confronting another whammy.) And just like I feel during an angina attack my chest gets heavy and shrivels up and my gut gets tight when I feel their suffering. .  I am completely exhausted afterwards like I was the one that broke down. I feel it so physically. Some times it is hard to distinguish between an empathy attack and an angina attack. Sigh!

And the sad thing is... there are times I absorb all this only to have the person tell me it didn't help. Even when I can almost see the heaviness sliding off of them, the darkness lifting from them, they may turn to me and say that not only am I not helping, I am making it worse. It is like WTF? Why do you need me here then? Why am I doing this if it is not helping you and hurting me? Sigh.  My inner guidance  tells me at times I can listen though that it did help them, but not their ego. 

I can respond clearly and calmly for maybe the first two individuals that "need" me that day, depending on their level of emotion and the circumstances (dealing with a slip in recovery or the unfair treatment by a narcisstic partner is easier to deal with than witnessing the terror that comes with a paranoid delusion of someone having another psychotic break in which you are the source for suspicion or the expression of another not wanting to go on living)...but as it is in my experience... there is usually a number three and a number four, sometimes a number five to deal with that day.  And anyone from number three on is going to have a soaking wet sponge , already oversaturated to pick up their pain with. I am , by no means, a "Bounty Man Sponge" like in the commercials. I may look like them around the middle these days...but that's about it. I have four biological children, a step son and a grandaughter...with two more grandchildern along the way.  With the exception of the grandchildren, each of these individuals have a very significant amount of suffering in their lives and they look to me for support, guidance, and empathy. I am just one very broke, less than healthy. far from perfect mother. There is only so much of this imperfection to pass around. 

  There are times I have nothing left to give.  I'm done. Then I feel so guilty...I feel so sad when I get to that point I cannot absorb another drop as I watch myself close down.So, ironically,  I am always very grateful for the universe, as I plea for forgiveness, for prioritizing for me when it offers me the most needy things to deal with first. I also get angry and frustrated at times, looking up and calling out, "Why can you not just stop it with the onslaughts? Why can you not give us one thing to deal with at a time...or at least make the things we have to deal with a little less challenging?Why can you not provide enough other support for us so we can deal better?   Or  if  we are not meant to have more support, why can you not wrap me in more bounty sheets making me a more effective "quicker, picker upper!" so I have more room in me  to absorb at least some of the pain from them?  

I will also cry out at times, "It is just too much!!!" I know as soon as those words levae my mouth that that isn't true. This is simply as it is...not too much even though it feels too much.  It is what it is and it is all meant to be.  I had recently prayed for an acceleration in this awakening process. Maybe just maybe...this is all part of the acceleration for all of us to become more concious at a deeper level. I don't know.  I don't know much...but I will trust that Life has all our backs. 

So...yesterday was a challenging day...started out feeling good providing small services for others and then I walked into one suffering experience after the other.  By the evening I was toast...completely burnt out. 

I woke up this morning after a hard sleep with so much grief, worry, concern  as well as all those residual emotions I absorbed yesterday that are not my own. So I sat down to meditate over this and  I felt I had a choice...I could do one of those meditations that would make  all the energy that was not mine  slide off...or I could do a meditaion that opened up my heart more and created more space in me or around me so I could absorb more (Tonglen).  I wonder if you can guess which one I chose.

All is well. 

Desirelessness

 Do not love the world, or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.

1John 2:15 NSV

What do you really want?  Do you know?  

Alan Watts speaks of wanting ....in another video I cannot at the moment cite....  He speaks of our inability to know what we want as desirelessness, which, he believes, is a state we can benefit from.  Of course it is a Christian , Buddhist, as well as other teachings' aim...to be desireless...to want nothing of this world. 

I am not sure, however, that desirelessness  means to put away all our wanting.  When we put away all our wanting, we are denying a very human aspect within us that keeps us moving forward...are we not?  I often write of the "giving up on wanting" cancer that afflicts many of us and by that I mean we may reach a certain state of hopelessness, usually after a series of defeats,  where we  give up on wanting and expecting anything and we  simply "endure" life rather than see it as as the miracle it is. This desirelessness, I believe anyway, is not what is  meant by Watts and the Buddhist teachings.

What was done with this so called "Law of Attraction" is not what is meant either. The world we live in is not meant to be a big Pez dispenser we can simply push with a thought so a "desired" treat pops out. Even if we get that treat...that is not what we really want and making that the aim can even make us sick. This is why we are warned by certain teachings to put away our desires...at least for the things of this world. Focusing on getting the treats can confuse us as to what we really want. 

When I look at the above bible passage I think what was meant was not to be overly attached to the things of this world...at least not above the Love that makes us who we are. 

So what do we really want?

So Watts in this video I cannot cite at the monment ( sorry) tells us that what we really want is unknown to most of us.  He says it is unknown for two reasons:

1. We already have it.
2. We don't know who we are. 

Huh?

1. We already have it!  What we really want is not something out there in the physical, external world.  It is not something that can be found up ahead in the future or dragged up from the past. It is not something tangible that you can hold in your hand or percieve with your five senses.  It is not something you are not already equipped with.  It is something already in you.  Something you just don't see because your thumb is too busy clicking the Pez button down. 

2. We don't know who we are.  We don't know what we want because we don't know who we are.  We falsely believe that we are these bodies and minds, these egos that act like a veil between us and Self. These egos like the Pez container philosophy but who we really are knows better. We are spirit having a human experience, not humans having an odd spiritual expereince.  What we really want, then, is not of this world because we are not of this world. What we really want is intangible...it is peace, love, joy that comes from realization of who we are.  It is seeing and allowing the higher consciousness and awareness of all that is in this moment to be....that we want.  We just won't know that ( and I don't mean on the conceptual level but on the experiential level) until we get beyond ego to Self.

Hmmm! So sure...enjoy and be grateful for  your treats if they come your way.  Keep your thumb clicking away if you so desire ...but  do so with a certian desirelessness, knowing that whatever you get from this external, physical world will not fulfill you or sustain you. What you really, really want is deeper and more Life sustaining than that. 

All is well in my world. 

Synergy and Decision Making

 Synergy is better than my way or your way.  It is our way. 

Stephen Covey

Hmmm!  I have been writing, speaking and thinking a lot about surrendering.  In order to surrender and let go, we need to trust that which we are surrendering to. We do need to let go of our need to control and manipulate everything...and simply accept Life as it is so it can  just flow through us and around us. Even when we think we made a decision ...we really didn't.  There was a million little variables seen and un seen in that decision that we made...and if we have any ownership of it...it is only minimal at best. 

The data for a decision in any given situation is infinite...Alan Watts

There is something that contemporary and business minded society refers to as synergy at play in our ordinary lives. It is the coming together of forces to create a favorable outcome. Ego tells us we are responsible for every decision we make be it the so called  right one or the wrong one...but we are only a small cog in this wheel.

Decisions that turn out right have little to do with our conscious intent or control...Alan Watts

So instead of clinging to a control we really do not have...we should surrender that control to the universe which always has our back whether it seems that way or not, that is ultimately the key player in any decision we may make whether we know it or not. We can trust the universe! We can trust Life! 

If we can't surrender completely...we can at least delegate.  We can begin trusting other beings, coincidence, life and maybe God. We can give up a bit of control at a time. 

The way to become one with the universe is to trust it as another....Alan Watts

We really do not know where our decisions come from. Not knowing is actually an amazing part of this journey.  We just need to trust that Someone or Something other than the puny clump of flesh your little me is in...has a huge part in making decisions that are best for all...in the long run. We are incapable then of making the wrong decsion, even if it really seems like we goofed up,  if we act on the principle that we have the backing of the universe.

 We might never be able to fully understand or conceptualize the forces synergizing with us to attain the best results.  It really doesn't matter. We are not meant to know it all, or decide it all. We are just meant to flow with the course of nature, one act of faith at a time. 

All is well. 

Sorry...listened to so many Alan Watts video lectures today that I am not sure where each quote came from.

Facing Mount Later like a Cloud/Water Person

 Acceptance of everything flowing away is absolutely basic to freedom-to becoming a cloud/water person.

Alan Watts

Lately...when I come here...I feel a little frustrated and sad.  The inspiration I gained after my morning meditation seems to flitter away abit. I exhaust myself by following my habitual tendency to read all the entries that were read by others.  (And I know at that point...I should correct the many typos I discover in those entries but I don't. I fear the fading inspiration to write something new that I come here with  might get lost in the drudgery of editing and revising that which was already written.) I also have a head full of worldly stuff...there is a lot going on around me and in me competing with that inspiration.  

Trickling Energy

Because Life is doing what Life does (and for the most part I am accepting of that) I seem to have a limited amount of energy period...therefore there is a limited amount of energy allotted to creative pursuits. On top of that...the jar I am carrying all this energy in seems to have a small invisible crack somewhere...and my precious reserves are seeping out a trickle at a time. So often by the time I open up to New Post I am struggling to scrape up enough creative juice to put together  something of value here. As for all the other things I am working on or feel inspired to create...they all are grouped together into a big pile that is getting bigger and bigger each day.  That pile is named " Mount Later" . 

Someone mentioned to me recently when I relayed the fact that I was facing a challenge paying my mortgage, "You should be doing something with your writing or your speaking.  You could be making money off that."  I just laughed it off and told her that I would be better off trying to sell my house than my work....work that I am challenged to even finish, let alone submit or seek means of getting some monetary reward for. Besides I say, it would be like selling myself. Shouldn't I just be giving that away. . . isn't that what I am here for?

Facing Mount Later

When I leave this page I always feel a sense of accomplishment...like I  have given a piece of my self away for a higher purpose.  (Of course...I don't want any of us  to get lost in the idea or concept of "self" here, okay?) It feels so good to write.  

And at the same time, because my energy levels are a bit low...by the time I am done here and I walk over to that big mountain of unfinished writing and the callings of all the muses trapped in that pile somewhere...I just feel overwhelmed.  I feel I don't know how to get inside that pile to free all that inspiration that wants to be expressed. I don't know where to begin. 

I hear, "Grab those poems, write new ones, finish your poetry workshop, put together a chap book!" Then I hear, "Finish that novel...you only need 20,000 more words and someway to tie it all together." After that I hear, "Get those memoirs out again! You got some positive feedback on those!", "You need...I mean you really need to get the book you wrote on trauma recovery out...there are people that need that!", "Get your short stories published...that is the only way to get your foot in the door!", "Freelance...write more articles!"  and finally I hear, "Do something with these blog entries...get them into print." 

On and on it goes...and I just stand there in front of Mount Later ,"Huh? Do you have any idea how tired I am...how much I got going on outside of this little writing venture?  There is one crisis after the other to deal with..how am I supposed to find time to write anything...let alone all this??"

Writing Like a Cloud-Water Person

Besides I want to be a cloud/water person. ...a person that drifts like a cloud and flows like water through Life...attached to little.  I write here like a cloud and like water ...it is easy...even if I am drained...but whatever is going on over there with Mount Later feels stuck...neither drifting nor flowing.  Hmm!

Letting Go

I have to let it go maybe. What does it mean I wonder , when it comes to this writing stuff, ...let it all go? Be attached to none of it? 

I have been getting good at letting go. I let so much in my life go already.  I mean I have been clinging to the house, I suppose, for all kinds of reasons...but mostly for ego reasons.  I am getting to the point where I could probably let that go too...and that would put away my mortgage stress ( would add a whole lot of other stressors though). I tell myself without the stress of getting by...maybe I would be able to deal with Mount Later better...maybe I could write for the joy of writing and the giving of myself like I do here.  It might be hard on the  bare  fingers, though, writing through  snow storms as a homeless person in Canada. I don't know. 

I just know the solution has something to do with letting go. I can do that, can't I? I have also let go of attachment to outcome with my writing...done that long ago. I write and when I send it out I judge not, expect not and have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I just get it out....and I tend to even forget about it.  So as I face this big Mountain of stuff crying to be finished...I should be able to take this letting go approach I am mastering to it.

Maybe ...what I have to do...is just focus on one project at a time...the one that huants me the most...the novel...and finsih that and get it out.  Still feels pretty overwhelmning.  What about if I break that down to...5000words/week ...could be done in a couple of weeks.  If I do this...I need to open to the page and let go of any resistance I have, any judgement, expectation and need to know where this is going...just write.  Hmmm!  That sounds like a plan....a plan for my writing, and a plan for my living like a cloud and water person.

Let it go and let it flow!

All is well in my world

 Happy Father's Day to all fathers!!! 

May you love and teach your children well...all children well!  

I am looking at a picture of my own father now as I write this.  I miss his physical presence, his words of wisdom and his laughter in my life but he is still around me always...of that I am sure. I remember what he taught me both through his achievements and his so called "imperfections and mistakes".  I am so grateful for his presence in my life...all of it.

Anyway, feeling heavy myself in this parenting role, lately...a bit overwhelmed once again by  the suffering of others. When I feel this suffering within me I seek to recognize it...and name it briefly without getting too hung up on labels or concepts.  Then I seek to accept it and allow it into my conscious experience.  It is tricky to lean into suffeirng when the knee-jerk reaction is to pull away, as many of us are conditioned to do....but I am training myself to lean. Then I investigate further ...just so I can better understand the nature of their suffeirng and  how it is absorbed in me.  I try to look a little bit more each time into the nature of suffeirng itself. These are the first three steps of the Buddhist way as explained by Tara Brach's R.A.I.N. I am getting better at these steps.

What I need to work on doing better...is nurturing myself  when I experience suffering in whatever form it comes in. I imagine that is the step that is most challenging for all of us to master.  I will nurture others but fail to nurture myself.  I tend to blame myself, instead, for other people's suffering and my lack of ability to "fix" it. That does absolutely no good to improving the situation for me or anyone else.  I think it is necessary to find compassion not only with the other or the world that is suffering but with ourselves. 

Hmmm! I wish that for all fathers.  That they  are able to recognize, accept , investigate the suffering in their children .  ...all children in this global village and that they are able to nurture all...even themselves through suffering. 

Hmmm!

All is well in my world. 

Just This

 Just This!

There is no past,

no future.

Just This.

There is no place out there

or up ahead any better or

any worse.

Just this. 

There is no relationship

that will fill you

or break you.

Just This. 

There is no problem

or solution not yet 

thought of.

Just this.

 

There is no perfect action

or thing to do

that will make your life everything 

you think it should be.

Just this.

 

There is just this moment

as you breathe in

and just this moment

as you breathe out.

This is your Life.

Just this. 

Dale-Lyn , June, 2021 

 

Beyond Normal but Nutty

 "Enlightenment" is simply seeing things as they are.

Adyashanti

Enlightenment, according to Adyashanti, is just a big and often misunderstood term or concept for seeing things as they are.  

Most of us do not see clearly.  Most of us...which would make it the "norm" ...see things as if we are wearing blurry lens.  Those lens are our conditioning and beliefs.  When we truly believe some idea or concept and look out at the world through that type of perceptual field...the world is distorted. And we make our choices and what not based on this distorted way of percieving. Most of us do this, especially if we were taught and conditioned in similiar ways... establishing the same belief systems. Therefore :  It is normal but nutty. 

When we realize just how "nutty" this is we seek to shift our perception, to see in a way that is less nutty, to remove the much too trendy glasses ( our conditioning and beliefs that no longer serve) so we see the world  differently. We begin to see it for what it is...and we see that what the mind was creating and telling us was it...was just an illusion that can truly only exist in our minds.  Putting down the lens of conditioned belief not only changes our vision,  it clears our mind of story and illusion. This is enlightenment.

We do not come into a piece of information we didn't have before when we become enlightened...we actually remove information that was in the way of us seeing clearly ( our dependence on these blurred lens ...our mind and our conditioned way of percieving) . We realize that information, conceptual knowledge etc that we have habitually used to improve our understanding of things... can actually get in the way of us seeing clearly and understanding truth. 

Awareness... that which we unknowingly seek...requires no understanding.  It just is. We are not going to get anything "out" of this process of awakening because it is not something you can grasp or understand conceptually.  It is beyond all that.

Awareness, the one thing required for every thing to be, is not a thing.

Awareness is the background on which everything tangible  in our world emerges, yet, It Itself, is intangible.  We can not touch it or know it...we can only sense it...feel it...experience it. This is our reality...what we are seeking when we say we want to wake up.  

What we are really seeking, then, is no-thing...emptiness, space...what the Buddhists refer to as Shunyata. 

I like how Adyashanti explains our seeking of this.  It is like going to the finest restaurant,  ordering the best thing on the menu and getting an empty plate. How many normal but nutty people would want to do that? Yet this is what we do when we seek to be enlightened...we are ordering the best thing we could ever experience in Life...and at the same time the only thing on that menu that is real....and it is nothing  Wow!  A bit mind blowing, eh? 

What we are also ordering is our Self...for we are the very thing we are ordering. We are no-body, no-thing.  We don't have or get awareness...we are awareness. And when we live as awareness...experiencing the timelessness, the peace, and the joy of being in the present moment, the only time we can be in when we are truly seeing clearly...we are the very thing we are seeking.

When we are enlightened/awake we can still do and function in this world of things but we do so as awareness. It really doesn't matter what we do as long as we are doing it as awareness....as long as we are doing it with awarness of this no-thing and no-body from which all doing emerges. 

Love this:

If you are somebody picking up garbage in the park you will be miserable, but if you are a nobody picking up garbage in the park there will be beauty in the movement. Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm!  Do you still want to become enlightened?  Do you wnat to become a no-body and a no-thing? Or are you more content being normal but nutty? 

Anyway, all is well! 

Adyashanti/Nondual Videos (June, 2021   ) Shift of Perception (2008) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njWDak9_5gY

Eckhart Tolle/Nondual Videos (May 2021) No Desire to Do Anything/Happy as I am (2004)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPvYo49NNWM

Unconditional and Need-less Happiness

 Does fulfilling your needs make you any happier than not fulfilling your needs?

Ram Dass

Wow!  That is quite a question, eh? Most of us would be inclined to answer quickly with, "Of course it does.  Why else would I be seeking to fulfill them?"

But let's look at that a little deeper. 

When you get all the things you are seeking, when you have your belly full and a good's night sleep, when you have enough money in your accounts and are able to pay the bills without worry, when you get the car you wanted or move into the neighborhood you felt you "needed" to be in, when the kids are behaving and living just the way you "needed" them to....are you any happier?  Sure you may be feeling pretty pleased with life and yourself when all these things fall into place but are you any happier? How long do you stay pleased with yourself before you discover there is something else you need "out there" to make your life fulfilled? So are you really happier when your needs get met...or just temporarily and very conditionally responding to what is in front of you? 

Look into this question and answer honestly. Is our so called happiness dependent on the good coming in and the bad staying out of our conscious experience? So when my needs are not fulfilled, do I feel I have a "right" not to be happy?

Let's get something straight: We all have a right to feel whatever we feel... be it happiness or unhappiness. Are you more concerned with what you have a right to feel or what you could feel? 

As long as you are only focused on getting little me's needs met...the less truely happy you will be.  True happiness, is an inside game.  It is not dependent on what is happening out there or what you as a personality and clump of flesh are going through...it is all about how unconditionally open you are to what life offers. 

Sure having it easy for a while as we travel through one of those rare valleys offered by life circumstance...is nice! It feels good to look around and realize that everything is going smoothly, that at the moment you are experiencing little to no challenge getting your needs fulfilled. This is not necessarily true happiness, though,  but a watered down conditional version of joy.  

The question is: Are you going to feel this way when the circumstances change and the valley turns into a series of complicated mountains to climb, when getting your needs met seems next to impossible...when challenge once again unfolds in front of you? When we can experience joy and peace regardless if we are able to check all the boxes on our need to do or have list or not, when we can feel fulfilled even  in the midst of hardship, challenge and difficulty...that is true happiness.  Getting our needs met has little to nothing to do with it. 

No level of pleasure from any material possession compares to the feeling of unconditional happiness.

Edmond Mbiaka

Hmmm! something to think about.

Mid-Air Flight of Golden Wine

 That all I know of Life and myself, is that we are  just a mid-air flight of golden wine between His  pitcher and His Cup.

Hafiz

Hmmm! I am thinking about a lot of things these days...feeling, more than thinking I suppose... about the nature of Life and the suffering of others in this world. I have had a lot of people share with me in the last few days ...their anxieties, worries, fears, sadness and pain. I was very open to it at the time...so wanting to be there but I think it has all clung to me just a bit.  I am by no means regretting or resenting that some of it has stuck...this is, I believe, what happens when we are just beginning the opening up  process to compassion...it is a little messy maybe, at first. It is however, the reason why we are all here.  

I mean I am releasing some of the energy that has been coming my way too...with tears, just a light trickle,  that seems to come when I am listening or thinking or witnessing Life ,with all its sorrows and joys, play before my eyes and ears.   I am feeling more and more 'connected' to everythhing for some reason too. 

It was amazing this morning as I sat out  on the bench in my yard watching the life around me: hummingbirds flying back and forth from the feeder, the trees dancing and singing in the breeze, robin song all around me, a little field mouse running across my yard ( fortunately my cats...who will not keep their bell collars on...were in the house) and then there was 'my' crows. 

I believe crows to be amazingly intelligent birds and I have befriended a pair in the past ( they mate for life) but have lost touch with them over the years.  But a new pair have come to my awareness and I began the adventure of befriending them.  They see me sitting outside now and one will fly over head making its noises and perch somewhere  where he ( not sure of the sex)  can see me and I can see him.  I will go get some food and spread it on the ground while he watches....and he will stay where he is watching me to make sure it is safe.  Then he will call out to his mate who will fly over into a neighboring tree to scout for him as he lands to get food and they will take turns like that....getting closer and closer to me as they trust me more.  (We have some complications in our relationship that make this trust building a little more challenging...three dogs who like to chase crows). My last pair were a lot closer to me physically at this point but I am patient.  There is no doubt, that they recognize my bodily form and are attempting in some primitive way to communicate with me that they want food. The last pair I had befriended would literally follow me on my walks up the hill.  They would fly from one tree to the other  behind me, cawing away. It was really quite amazing.  I don't know what happened but I believe "I" (not them) zoned out of our erlationship because I was too busy "thinking" of other things.

Anyway watching "my" crows ( I am fully aware they are not mine lol) and the world before me this morning led to one of those tear trickles.  It was very nice to feel so human and so connected at the same time. 

We miss out so much on these little connections in Life when we are lost in our busy thinking and doing and that is sad.  All of it is so amazing, really....Life...with all its music, its beauty, its different beings and relationships,  its joys and its sorrows.  When we get lost in this idea that it is all about "me" ...we miss so much. 

It is not all about us.  

We are just wine being poured from the Master's Pitcher into the Master's Cup.  We are the mid air flight of Life expressing itself but  man, it can be a beautiful flight if we could  just open our eyes, ears and hearts to all that is. 

All is well.

Time to Wake Up?

 Do you really need time to wake up spiritually? You need time until you realize you don't need time anymore.

Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm!  I listened to Eckhart Tolle this morning as I sat here with my tea and I was hit with little gems of wisdom that I scrawled down on paper.  Of course, I had to maneuver around my cat who loves to lie down on the paper I am writing on or right in front of my screen when I am typing. Do you think she is trying to tell me something lol? 

This one came from a question in the video below about manifesting awakening. Tolle answers the questioner with something like this, may be paraphrased: Don't regard awakening as a state to be acheived...don't attempt to manifest this awakened version of self. He went on to say that seeking or striving to arrive at this fully awakened state we might call enlightenment can become an obstacle to our waking up.  Why?  Because we do not go anywhere or attain anything by spiritual awakening. It is just a realizaton of that which is already here.

I know I am constantly saying, "I am not there yet", as if I am travelling down some linear path from the unawakened state to the awakened state that exists somewhere up there in the future. Tolle reminds us that "future" is merely a thought form.  So when we strive and seek some future goal of becoming awakened, we are pursuing a "thought form"...and this 'eyes ahead and forward' movement will prevent us from seeing and discovering what is already here and now.  The truth we think we are moving toward, this essence, this relaity of who we are, is already here.  It is simply a matter of realizing it.   We are, for that reason,   encouraged to stop seeking, stop striving and stop "doing" for the sake of trying to attain or achieve something we already have...heck... that we already are. 

Can not achieve being through doing. 

We need to realize that there is nothing to achieve or gain here.  Who we are in our essence is already complete, already One with Source, already awakened. We really do not need to "do" anything but see what we are. Yet, many of us still see it as a journey don't we. Maybe this type of conceptualization  will help us to deal with it better.  Maybe we could look at it as  a journey without time and a journey without distance.And it is not a solo journey. It is not about anything this "little clump of flesh" can do because....

The presence in you knows Itself

Remind yourself of this when you you catch yourself saying things like ,"I am not there yet.  I am getting there. Someday I will be awakened". 

It is like asking the Universe, that we are simply a part of, as if we are childen driving along some highway to some fun destination... "Are we there yet?" 

You know what the Universe will answer right? "Yes dear...open your eyes.  You have always been here.  We didn't have to go anywhere."

All is well.

Eckhart Tolle/Sounds True (2020) Conscious Manifestation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjX4IplPQuw

Creations of Value

 Not to be attached to something is to be aware of its absolute value.

Suzuki, page 50

I listened to an Eckhart Tolle video today, see below, about how to tell the difference between knowing  if what we are doing is guided by ego or the higher Self. That brought me to the Buddhist teachings on "detachment" and that brought me to the book I just finished reading, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind.

What I am learning is that what we do is valuable as long as it is "inspired" by something Greater than ego motive. It is valuable as long as we experience 'harmony" in the process.  

As we awaken into a harmonious relationship with Life, Tolle tells us , we go through three stages.  We begin to accept Life as it is (higher Self/ big 'I') instead of resisting (ego, little 'I'). Then we begin to not only accept but enjoy rather than resent. From there we progress to enthusiasm where we are able to create or give birth to something new. If we create from this type of  enthusiasm than what we create will be valuable. 

We can also tell if ego is interfering and misguiding us on our way to creating enthusiastically by how we respond to obstacles, achievements and outcomes. If we fall into negativity when we hit the unavoidable obstacles that are sure to come in any creative process, than ego is likely still in charge. If we react with only a short lived sense of satisfaction from our achievements ...again it is ego taking us away from what is valuable. Finally, if we are more focused on getting to some outcome than the process itself ( seeking  the material or exchange value of the creation), it is ego.  

Something to think about. 

And when we repeat, "I create, I create, I create," soon we forget who is actually the "I" which creates the various things; we soon forget about God. This is the danger of human culture. Actually to create with the "big I" is to give; we cannot create and own what we create for oursleves since everything was created by God...But because we do forget who is doing the creating and the reason for the creation, we become attached to the material or exchange value. 

Suzuki, page 50

All is well

Shunryu Suzuki (2020) Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. 50th Anniversary Edition. Shambhala/Kindle

Eckhart Tolle ( June, 2021) Does Excitement Come From the Ego? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgGXwM_DYGI

Satisfactory Ending

 Just by recognizing the nature of story...by looking at it ...we are getting out of it... The fiction of 'little me' can only sustain itself if it remains an unconscious movement. 

Eckhart Tolle

Hmmm! We, as the proverbial "little me" are always telling ourselves stories about who or what we are in this drama of life and it is usually not a very pleasant story. This need for the unsatisfactory story leads to a need for a happy ending, a dependence on outcome and a stepping over, pushing aside or a dismissing of the present moment to get somewhere up there where the great satisfactory ending is supposed to be. We are so attached to this momentum of getting somewhere up there in this busy world and  we are also more  attached to outcome  than we are to process.

If someone tells us that our future is being taken from us...we panick because we realize that we won't reach the ending that we were so looking forwrad to.  The thing is there really is no story anywhere but in our minds.  There is just the beginning of Life, the climax of Life, the lows of Life, the highs of Life and the ending of Life all occurring right now in this here, in this now. ...the only time and place it can occur. There is no happy ending to make all this twisted plot we travelled through worthwhile... up there.  There is just this! 

So?

So we shouldn't hold our breath and wait for the satisfactory moment to come...We shouldn't deny, push away, avoid or stuff what is happening right here, right  now in hope that our satisfaction is something up there we need to get to.  

Be conscious of your story and your dependence on it.  Be conscious of this "little me" entity that seems to be starring in the drama we create in our minds. Be conscious of your tendency to step over what is right here and now...and instead...look deeply into what is right here and now.  Allow it, embrace it, make peace with it and let it go. Just as the beginning or your story is here and now, so is the ending. 

Put down the fiction novel you are so intent on starring in and breathe right here and right now.  This is your life! 

All is well.

Detached Creation

 Life needs to be a dance between creating and not getting lost in our creations.

Eckhart Tolle (somewhat paraphrased)

I am back to my sister's story...another 2000 words...going to reduce the time frame even if it strays from reality in order to create a flow in the plot sequence. I will see how that goes...no judgement, expectation or a need to control or know what will happen tomorrow. 

I am realizing, through reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind that it is not the effort that I am putting into this that counts but the meaning beneath the effort.  It isn't about getting published or having her story out there for others to read.  It is about being with her again, walking beside her again, laughing with her again and putting into words in some meager way her experience of life.  Maybe it is about showing her the empathy and respect I might not have shown her enough of  while she was alive. 

Those who are attached  only to the result of  their effort will not have any chance to appreciate it, because the result will never come.  But moment by moment your effort arises from its pure origin, all you do will be good, and you will be satisfied with whatever you do. (page 113)

I am on a life long jorney to understand the human mind ...therefore the human experience. I want to understand it enough to make peace with it. 

We each must find some way to realize our true nature. (page 130)

I use writing as a medium to that. Our inmost nature wants some medium, some way to express and realize itself. (page 129)

I just need to let go and let Life take the  reins of this project.  I am merely an instrument for it to work through. Sigh!  When will I truly get that?  

All is well. 

EckhartTolle (June, 2021) The Key to Conscious Creativity https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VXLqLhDDaI

Shunryu Suzuki (2020) Zen Mind, Beginners Mind 50th Anniversary Edition. Shambala/ Kindle

Doubting and Satori

 Underlying great doubt there is great satori. If you doubt fully, you will awaken fully. 

Hakuin Ekaku

Of course we doubt, right?  We doubt the validity of almost everything that  happens to us.  We doubt the intentions of our neighbour, the purity of the water we drink, what we are being told, the rightness of our choices and if we are really, really open and honest...we doubt the stability of our own minds.  

Doubting our minds is the quickest way to satori which is enlightment or a realization of truth. It is doubt that leads us to question and it is questioning that leads us to understanding.

So instead of blindly believing what we have been taught, we should be doubting, questioning and examining this thing called Life. 

Hmm! Something to think about. 

The unexamined life is not worth living.

Socrates

Understanding a Dream

 A dream that is not understood remains  a mere occurence; understood it becomes a living experience.

Carl G. Jung

Dreaming About Bears

I had a dream about bears last night.  I often dream about bears.  In this dream...I was walking home alone , (?) I believe, along a quiet road. As I was looking down at the pavement, to my left from the corner of my eye I could see a brown bear. I looked up, somewhat alarmed, and I seen another, then another, then a black bear or two, some more brown bears, some more black bears. There were so many bears I couldn't count. I was somewhat surprised and alarmed. 

(Now I should say I am not that afraid of bears...I have had conversations with a black bear on more than one night who came to snack on my garbage...I walked out to the step both times and asked him to leave for his own sake  which he kindly  did after looking right at me.  He just calmly turned around and slowly walked away... lol).  

Anyway, I was more surprised and confused, I believe, by the bears in my dream than afraid. A presence beside me told me it was okay...that we needed to walk through them to get to where we were going.  Trusting this wise voice I said "sure" and proceeded to make my way through this field.  Everything was good until one of the brown bears came behind me to sniff me and the bear  started to growl a bit like a dog in warning. I turned around to offer my fist to sniff but it growled more. I looked to the presence ( even though I can never see it in my dreams) for advice.  I was told again by this female voice...that the bear can sense I am in menopause and is now threatened by me.  I was told to stay calm, don't panic and to keep moving slowly  to where we were going. I listened to the voice.  I could see women my age panicking, walking or running  to the side of me and they were having a lot of trouble with these bears. It frightened me but I knew I had to keep going calmly and slowly . So I kept walking. 

I got to the midway point of our destination ...some wooden shelter...and sighed in relief.  I was told everything would be okay from here, that  the bears were now sleeping...and as we walked on there were bears all asleep around me.  We had to maneuver our way around them...or I did, I mean.  I was kind of afraid one would wake up but I just kept going as instructed.I really did not know where I was going. 

I finally ended up on the street I grew up on. I looked up to the house where my late friend lived and the little hill around her house was filled with bear but I was no longer afraid. 

Wow! What does that dream snippet mean, I wonder lol. 

Attempting to Analyze the Dream

I looked it up ...and one site, which was not Jungian, suggested that sleeping bears are a sign to stop speaking so openly in public.  Wow!  That after I put the video up yesterday about my parenting expereince and I expressed my desire to do a TED Talk on it. I removed it for now.

Another site said. When this Bear (Brown)comes to you in dreams, you will be fearless in the face of adversity in your waking hours. https://whatismyspiritanimal.com/animal-dream-symbols-a-m/dreams-about-bears/  Wow!  I could use a little fearlessness lol. 

This same site went onto say that hibernating bears  in a dream could symbolize a transition in someone's life. Dreams about hibernating Bears and their caves symbolize that it is time to stop and pull back into yourself. Seek safety and solid shelter out of the coming storm. A Bear dream might symbolize that it is time to store up for the next season in your life or just time to take care of preparing yourself for what is coming next. Of course the transition of menopause was already mentioned in my dream state but it was a threat to this bear? Maybe I need to store up some energy, become more "selfish" during this transition? Now these bears were not in a cave, they were all over the field they were so hungrily eating from in the first part of the dream. 

I was more interested in Jungain analysis. In one article, an explaination of a PHd dissertation on Jung's Wild woman archetype explains the possibility of seeing bears as scattered peices of ourselves ( in which my dream shows many scattered pieces).  I could be attempting to reconcile many of these scattered pieces into a whole as I transition.  The threatened brown Bear is simply trying to warn me of my need to do this? https://www.pacificapost.com/bears-wild-woman-archetype-individuation

And this 

The bear is a creature of contrasts, as it possesses enormous strength and yet generally thrives on fruit and honey. Because of their habit of hibernation during winter months, bears can stand for ressurection. It was the emblem for the kingdoms of Persia and Russia. For the Celts, it is a symbol of the warrior, and in Christian symbolism we encounter the fable of the she-bear who gives birth to shapeless offspring and must lick them to give them form. Similarly, we are ignorant creatures who find our way only through spiritual knowledge.

In Jungian psychology, the bear represents danger caused by the uncontrollable contents of the unconscious, and with this is often associated as an attribute of the man who is cruel and crude. The word 'berserk' most likely means 'bear-coat' and refers to a Norse warrior who morphs into a furious bear.https://www.google.com/search?q=Jungian+symbols+%26+bear&biw=1920&bih=969&ei=x3e_YNynBbSv5NoPk4C0iAM&oq=Jungian+symbols+%26+bear&gs_lcp=Cgdnd3Mtd2l6EAMyBggAEBYQHjoHCAAQRxCwAzoECAAQQzoCCAA6CAghEBYQHRAeOgUIIRCgAVC9L1iGR2DISmgBcAJ4AIABhQGIAZQIkgEDMC45mAEAoAEBqgEHZ3dzLXdpesgBCMABAQ&sclient=gws-wiz&ved=0ahUKEwicp6aLmYjxAhW0F1kFHRMADTEQ4dUDCA4&uact=5

Hmmm!  What did I get from all this dream analysis?  ..  I haven't got a clue lol.  Interesting though to ponder whatever that is that is going in my subconscious.  And I do like bears ...so whatever they mean is cool with me. I will think about it some more. 

All is well!

What I learned the hard way about parenting

Thought I would share this little snippet of a very imperfect speech I recently gave ( to my dog and cat...who btw were not very attentive lol). I have decided I was going to do a TEDtalk...more likley a TEDx talk before I leave this planet.  So I am practicing in an attempt to grease some rusty speaking skills.  And they are rusty as the clip shows. 

I also wanted to discuss this topic which is near and dear to me.  I believe if we want a healthier world we begin with ourselves, then we teach our children how to create that (by children I mean the children of this global village). It all begins with finding serenity within.

Though I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be as a person and as a parent...that all things that Life threw our way were meant to be...looking back I see the one thing I didn't teach my childen was the one thing I wish I did very early on...and that is how to live with serenity. I believe we, as elders in this global village, need to make that a priority lesson in our homes and institutions. Peace is everything and it doesn't come from anything the external world provides or takes away. None of us know what challenges life has in store for us and peace and serenity means being open to all of them! So I want to share what I learned the hard way to anyone who will listen. (As I mentioned...my cat and dog were not too keen on listening...hoping that is not an indication of future prospects lol )

All is well!

Worried About Bees

Learn to leave your mind alone it will quiet itself. 

Alan Watts

Found myself worried about the dwindling bee population in my yard and therefore, I assume, in the world. I am going around teh yard counting the bees I see and comparing them to the numbers I have counted in past years. I became a bit obsessed. Then I found myself worrying about worrying lol.

I do realize...worry is not going to do any of us any good.  Appreciating what we have while we have it in this moment is what is important.

No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen.  

Alan Watts

All is well!

Lightworker??

I have been born into a broken world and my purpose is to make sure when I leave it, know that I have left a mark of kindness on it somewhere.

 Nikki Rowe

Note: ++ typos...will need to come back and edit

 I often wonder why, as I appear to be 'waking up', I find myself so "out of the loop".  I have written extensively about that feeling of disconnect that has been building in me for as long as I can remember but especially over the last few years.  I thought the increased intensity of this feeling was due to the sudden and drastic changes in my life circumstances: going from being very active in a job I loved, to having to cut back my hours at work and finally  having to leave my job all together; from having a professional title and recognition to having nothing but my name to sign a form with; from going from a good salary and the things they provide to barely getting by on next to nothing for so many years; from priding myself on my integrity to realizing how assumptions were made that gravely diminished the opinion of my integrity and therefore pretty well making a mess of my life and from being physically fit and active to having to limit almost everything I do etc etc.  I thought that is why I had a hard time "fitting in" and taking part in conversations, why I began to absolutely hate small talk, why  I began to prefer the company of animals and nature to social gatherings. 

I realize now that it had or has little to do with my present situation but some inherent trait within me that I have always stifled. I have always felt "different", like I didn't quite belong in my family, my community, this world maybe. I could never understood why. I deeply care about people and sincerely wanted to help but I just never felt like I fit in.

Someone  recently put the question in my head, "Are you a 'lightworker?'' My first conditioned reaction was, "Of course not!  There is no such thing.  That is just New-Age mumble  jumble." Then somewhere in this awakening journey I came across these videos that put that posibility on the table, at least for consideration...at least enough to possibly explain why I feel the way I do. 

Christina Lopez tells us, in 10 Remarkable Signs You are a Light Worker, that a lightworker is someone who has:

1. an intense desire to serve humanity
2. a highly sensitive nature. Empathic
3. a strong intuitive side (express great intuition even before they know they are intuitive)
4. a life long feeling of being totally out of place, "different"
5.  a certian wisdom that goes beyond their years
6.  the history of people coming  to them for advice
7. a tendency to go deep within. Very introspective and good at doing shadow work even if they are afraid to uncover what hides inside them.
8. a very strong and powerful energy field that children, babies, animals and those who can read or sense auras are attracted to. Because of this powerful energy field they may be manifesting things they do not want in their life if they are not careful
9. a tendency to be forward driven.  An intense need to heal the past so they can move on. Can walk away from past situations, relationships etc pretty easily without looking back or clinging
10. a need to grow.  They have a very powerful inclination to grow, evolve and expand.

Wow!  That sounds like me.  Whether or not  there truly is something called a Lightworker"...that certainly has been my experience so far.

As far as the "disconnect" that happens for "lightworkers", Christian Lopez goes on to say in another video, Signs of Spiritual Awakening and Feeling Disconnected and Lonely, that this disconnect we feel in our families, social groups or the world at large ...

• comes on very quickly because of a sudden shift of energy at the quatum level
• is temporary. In truth we are never actually disconnected...just perceive we are. When our energy shifts we may give up old networks that do not serve us while we are being inputed into new networks that better serve us. 
• is irreversible.  When we spiritually disconnect from places, people, things because they no longer serve our evolution, we cannot reconnect.  Though ego may resist and fight letting go of these familiar patterns of existence, we cannot plug back in to that which we have disconnected from
• happens multiple times in varying degrees through our awakening and through our lives
• is happening for our benefit , in order to take us to a better way of living, a more joyful place for the soul... so it is best we do not resist it too much.  Resistance will slow us down. 

What to do if we notice this disconnection happening in our lives

• Know what it is and that there is a purpose for it
• Be  patient! Know that though the energy change is immediate, the repercussion may be slower, as energy takes time to ripple out enough to change reality
• Learn to  ground self ...get back into body, breath, connection with earth etc through mindfulness and awareness
• Connect to spiritual guidance team, "I give authority for you to intervene".
• Do not fight it!  Ego will resist and if you allow it to progress forward will be slowed.  Try this mantra: "I am just going through a process of disconnect but eventually I will connect to something new.  I will be a whole new person, more joyful, more purposeful, and aligned with higher energy."

Well it is something to at least consider, is it not?

All is well! 

Christina Lopez 10 Remarkable Signs you are a Lightworker. https://christina-lopes.com/live-with-joy-purpose/lightworker/

Christina Lopez (November 2018) Signs of Spiritual Awakening and Feeling Disconnected and Lonely.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDZUbhh0ztU

The Life that Exists Beyond the Life Situation

Don't let life situations obscure or stifle Life which is your sense of aliveness and presence.

Eckhart Tolle

 What happened here? There was a big long spiel???

An Apple Tree Reminder

 My Little Apple Tree

If peace can have a scent, it takes me to your side

where leaf is green and flowers bloom and bees so happily abide.

You stand so like an angel with branches  stretched like wings  toward the sky

and wanting Heaven too, I lean against your steady bark and quietly I sigh.

I am lost in the sweet presence that makes the blossoms escape from your tiny tips

and I close my eyes and feel It as "thank you" slips from my lips.

You teach me what I need to know without useless word or thought;

You show me what I am and you show me what I'm not.

I breathe you in and when I do I breathe in all that I could ever be.

Somehow I find the truth I seek, in you,
my little apple tree. 

-Me...

©Dale-Lyn (Pen) (May 30, 2018)

I thought I would put this up again because I realized I missed shooting and appreciating my little apple trees outside while they were in beautiful bloom.  Sometimes we get so caugt up in our heads we fail to see and appreciate what is right in front of us.  And apple trees in blossom are amazing to smell, see, hear  (all the buzzing within them) and simply experience.  We really do not want to miss such things in life! Sigh!  Luckily photograhpy can help us to remember what we are missing... to some degree at least. 

All is wel!

 

Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.

Ben Franklin

All so good in my world.  I am so grateful for the learning opportunity that has presented itself to me through this little bit of semi-nursing. (By no means am I going beyond the legal and ethical  scope of practice I am presently at lol...felt I needed to say that).  I think it is time to make peace with nursing, to make peace with my past, to make peace with myself and synchronicity has brought me right to the physical location where I can do that.  That really is so amazing. I am not saying I am not a bit afraid of this necessary and potentionally life transforming confrontation...because I am...I still fear making mistakes that may harm others in anyway...facing fear creates fear until we get through it.  The key is to walk through fear, not around it. Every step I take through it will make more space for me to give...and I do want to give. It is all good. Life is very, very good.

All is well in my world

Forget Your perfect Offerings

Ring the bells that still can ring, 

forget your perfect offering 

There is a crack; a crack in everything,

that is how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen from Anthem

Disturbing Thoughts

I was recalling the nursing procedure I did recently that was far from perfect. I failed to offer perfect help. The disturbing thoughts related to that have returned even after the moment of superb reprieve and 'aha' I experienced  when I realized where they came from and what they were.  For a while there, I thought they were gone for good. I felt like I took a major step in my growth and healing. I felt peace.  

Then yesterday they slipped back  in to my thought stream, trying so hard  to disturb and call me away into a 'you are defective and deserving of punishment mode' with : "You did not do that perfectly therefore you are wrong!  You may have made a mistake that could hurt someone and you are not allowed to make mistakes especially if they hurt, bother, or upset other people in any way. Aren't you always doing that?  Why do you bother to even try to help?You are just going to end up hurting.  If you are not perfect in this role, you are bad and you have no business doing it! You deserve  to be chastised, shamed or  punished! "  Pretty pathological and gruesome, eh? 

Return of PTSD

I witnessed these intrusive thoughts coming in one  at a time, slowly at first before multiplying like baby rabbits.  I witnessed the way my jaw got tight and my teeth  clamped together, how my belly felt tight and my chest got heavy as my body began, almost automatically, to curl forward in protective freeze mode.  I witnessed the fear  increase at the thought of possibly hurting someone took over and the shame, I felt in my core...for possibly making a mistake I am not even sure I made but assume I must have made because in this role, don't I always make mistakes?  Wasn't any offering that wasn't perfect a mistake? 

Ego Twins

I watched what my mind wanted to do with these thoughts...in one breath it seemed to be welcoming them as it pushed anything positive I may have done in the past or have the power to do in the future away...the next it was trying to push the bad  away as it desperately went after anything that would be positive or at least diminish the negative. I watched the ego twins battle it out too: shamer ego doing its dirty work chastising and diminishing me and redeemer doing its ego-salvation work to fix, repent, repair and of course to save face. I tried to reach out to people, "Check and see...make sure...watch for...I will come back and fix.etc "Even though I was assured everything was fine...   I awaited for the  the punishment to come to me.

Watching with curiosity and a certain detachment

The whole time I watched what was happening inside me with a certain curiosity. I  knew my reaction  was all so irrational and overly dramatic. I knew so clearly for the first time in my life  "why" I  reacted the way I did, felt the way I felt. I could trace it back and see the whole picture and that was amazing to be able to do that. . Still...the thoughts didn't seem to know that I knew lol. The feelings didn't seem to care...they were going to move around inside me regardless. My knowing and understanding and being able to witness what was happening did not stop the PTSD experience...but...but it didn't overwhem me. It didn't "kill me." 

Throughout it all, I could breathe and watch the breath.  I could bring myself back to the moment.  I could witness and when we witness we are not lost.

Cracked and Broken In Places

I am realizing now that I am cracked and broken in places. Whatever trauma I experienced in my life...all that pain...it has left its mark on me.  I am deeply wounded and deeply scarred...so it would not be realistic or do anyone  any good to have me  "pretend" that there are no wounds and to restrict my offering only to that which is perfect. I cannot give what is perfect for I am broken in places. And as Hemmingway says...the world breaks us all in one way or another. 

Strong at the Broken Places

Acknowledging that will allow us to see that it also makes us stronger because it has left its mark on us. If I didn't break with Life...if  my outer shell did not crack..."I" would cease to be in the sense that I wouldn't be able to see the light that pours  within and comes from within, that is so much more powerful than any onslaught we experience externally. 

Forget your perfect offerings

Suffering can take us inward, to the light we are. Let's not be afraid of that suffering or ashamed of our cracks and breaks.  Let's learn to expose them so the light that comes through, the strength that enemates from them  can be there for all.We may not be perfect, what we have to give may not be perfect and that is okay.   Let our True Self that lies within our cracked and broken shells  be the  gift we really offer. 

All is well!

The world breaks every one and afterwards many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills.

Earnest Hemingway from Farewell to Arms

What Would Bale Do (January 2017) Stop Misquoting Leonard Cohen and Ernest Hemmingway. Start Listening and Reading. https://whatwouldbaledo.com/2017/01/12/stop-misquoting-leonard-cohen-and-ernest-hemingway-start-listening-and-reading/

Myopic View of Self

 It is quite alien to western thought to conceive that the external world, which is defined as something that happens to you and your body itself is something that you got caught up with...it is quite alien to our thought to consider all that as you yourself because, you see, we have such a myopic view of what oneself is. 

Alan Watts/True Inspiration (January 2018) Overcoming a Victim Mentality, Lecture by Alan Watts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUcJBe2wU1k